Journals from a Broken Mind

08/29/2026

Enjoying the sierraville junior rodeo.

06/30/2026

06/30/2026

We celebrated Marlowe's One year birthday last Saturday! She brings all of us such Joy. Proverbs 17:6 Grandchildren are the glory of the aged; parents are the pride of their children. Our love for marmar is like the feeding of the 5,000. It just keeps multiplying.

03/30/2026

Today is World Bipolar Day.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder on March 3, 2006—over two decades ago. Research shows that up to 20% of individuals with bipolar disorder, particularly when untreated, die by su***de. It’s a serious illness that deserves awareness and compassion.

Although my diagnosis came later in life, I had been living with bipolar disorder for most of my life. My first su***de attempt happened when I was 15 years old. At that time, mental illness carried heavy stigma, and I never received a diagnosis or treatment. I spent another 19 years enduring severe mood episodes before finally getting answers.

I’m grateful there is a day dedicated to raising awareness about bipolar disorder. Knowledge is powerful. The more we understand this illness, the more lives we can help save.

While there is no cure, treatment can help people manage symptoms. But like any illness, even with treatment there can still be flare-ups.

I never imagined I would live long enough to become a grandmother. Today I have a precious granddaughter who brings immense joy into my life. Bipolar disorder could have easily robbed me of that blessing.

Every year on World Bipolar Day, I reflect on how misunderstood this illness still is. People sometimes say, “Everyone has mood swings.” While everyone experiences ups and downs, bipolar disorder is not simply a normal mood shift.

Bipolar disorder can push someone far outside the emotional range most people experience—often without any clear trigger. One day you may feel hopeful and grounded. The next day your brain may tell you that life isn’t worth living.

That’s not a normal mood shift. It’s the reality of a brain disorder.

Many people with bipolar disorder look “fine” on the outside while fighting intense battles on the inside. Stability requires constant work—sleep, medication, therapy, faith, and support systems.

If you know someone living with bipolar disorder, your compassion can make a powerful difference. 💚

03/16/2026

A friend asked me recently what my experience with ECT has been like, and I wanted to answer honestly.

ECT is one of those treatments people whisper about. Before I agreed to it, I carried the same fears most people do. Old movies and stigma had already written a scary story in my head.

But bipolar depression can bring you to a place where the question changes. It stops being “Am I afraid of this treatment?” and becomes “Is there anything that might help me stay?”

For me, ECT didn’t erase bipolar disorder. What it did was create space between me and the darkness. After months of heavy clouds in my mind, it felt like the sky finally cracked open enough for some light to get through.

I’ll be honest though— even when it helps, the fear doesn’t magically disappear. I still walk into treatments with anxiety. My body remembers the headaches and fogginess that can come afterward.

But I also remember the darkness that came before it.

For me, maintenance ECT is not a sign of failure. It’s part of the fight to stay.

And my faith carries me through it. I believe I am a precious child of God, and nothing—not bipolar disorder, not treatments, not my hardest days—can separate me from His love.

If you’re considering ECT and feeling afraid, you’re not weak. Fear and hope can sit in the same chair.

Sometimes courage is simply showing up anyway. 💙

01/17/2026

Faith in the Ordinary

Scripture:
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” — Lamentations 3:22–23 (NIV)

Not every season of life is dramatic. Some seasons are quiet, repetitive, and painfully ordinary. For those of us living with a mood disorder, stability can feel strange—almost empty—especially after years of intensity. When the crises subside, we may wonder whether our lives still carry meaning.

We often measure purpose by momentum. By milestones. By visible progress. But God measures faithfulness differently. Sometimes faith looks like getting out of bed, taking medication, keeping appointments, and choosing rest over chaos. Sometimes it looks like maintaining what has already been built rather than chasing what comes next.

Living between episodes requires a different kind of trust. It asks us to believe that ordinary days are not wasted days. That quiet seasons are not God’s absence, but His mercy. Stability is not stagnation—it is space where healing can take root.

The Lord’s compassion does not only meet us in emergencies. It shows up in routine. In repetition. In days that feel small but are sustained by grace. When nothing remarkable happens, faith is still happening.

If your life feels uneventful right now, take heart. You are not behind. You are not forgotten. You are being carried by a faithfulness that renews itself each morning—even on days that look the same as yesterday.

01/15/2026

Faith in the Fire

Scripture:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned.” — Isaiah 43:2

Faith does not always look like confidence. Sometimes it looks like endurance. Sometimes it looks like repeating truth when your mind refuses to cooperate. Sometimes it is nothing more than refusing to let go of Jesus when everything in you wants relief more than perseverance.

There are seasons when the fire does not lift quickly—when medication adjustments take time, when symptoms linger, when prayers feel unanswered. In those moments, faith is not proven by how calm we feel, but by what we cling to. God does not ask us to manufacture peace; He offers His presence in the middle of the flames.

Scripture never promises a life without fire. It promises a God who enters it with us. Bipolar disorder and trauma may intensify the heat, but they do not negate God’s nearness. When thoughts spiral and emotions surge, truth can still be held—even with shaking hands.

Faith in the fire is not heroic. It is honest. It is choosing to believe that God is still good when your experience feels anything but. It is trusting that He is at work even when healing comes slowly, imperfectly, or not yet.

If this season feels hot and unrelenting, hear this: you are not abandoned. You are not failing. And the fire does not get to define the ending of your story.

05/25/2025

Bipolar is a biological illness yet it presents so psychological. Instead of a high fever I present with irritability and agitation. Instead of physical pain I experience psychological pain. When I am symptomatic with bipolar, I have to get a grip. Grow up…act like a grown woman. I’m seen as immature and childish rather than symptomatic with a severe illness. I wish I spiked a high fever each time I was ill. At least then, I would receive compassion.

09/15/2024