Merrill Daily Harold, 69 E. 69th Street, Suite 69, Merrill, WI (2026)

06/03/2026

KATE GOODENOUGH ELEMENTARY STUDENT DECLARES VICTORY IN DODGEBALL WAR FOR NINTH TIME, ANNOUNCES PEACE DEAL OPPOSING TEAM NEVER AGREED TO

MERRILL — School may have ended for summer last week, but that hasn't stopped third-grader Brayden Thompson from declaring total victory in the ongoing Kate Goodenough Elementary Dodgeball War for the ninth time in seven days.

The conflict began during the final week of classes when Brayden eliminated two students from Room 3B during recess and immediately proclaimed what supporters described as "the greatest dodgeball victory in school history."

Most observers assumed the matter was settled.

Unfortunately, Room 3B disagreed.

According to neighborhood residents, Brayden and a small group of loyal supporters have continued gathering daily at the school's playground throughout summer vacation to conduct what coalition members describe as "victory operations."

Brayden, who frequently describes himself as "the best negotiator in third grade," insists the conflict is essentially over.

"Nobody makes dodgeball deals better than me," Brayden told reporters Tuesday while standing on a picnic table near the swing set.

"I know more about negotiations than the fourth graders. Maybe more than the fifth graders too."

Minutes later, Room 3B spokesman Gavin Peterson responded on KidTok.

"If the war is over," Gavin wrote, "why are we still playing dodgeball?"

The post quickly accumulated dozens of likes before supporters dismissed it as anti-victory propaganda.

Brayden's allies have since launched a full-scale social media campaign celebrating each new victory declaration.

Tyler Jensen, Director of Strategic Recess Communications, recently informed followers that Brayden had achieved "complete and total dominance of the playground."

Attached photographs appeared to show dodgeballs still actively flying through the air.

Another supporter, Mason Keller, Chief Victory Verification Officer, released a hand-drawn chart proving victory had increased by 427 percent since the previous victory announcement.

The chart consisted entirely of arrows pointing upward.

On Wednesday, Brayden hosted what supporters described as the Historic Summer Dodgeball Peace Summit behind the swing set.

Attendees included Brayden, Tyler, Mason, and Hunter Schultz, Senior Playground Intelligence Analyst.

Notably absent was anyone from Room 3B.

Following the summit, Brayden announced that a complete ceasefire had been negotiated.

"We've reached a tremendous deal," Brayden told assembled supporters.

"A beautiful deal. Probably the greatest deal in playground history."

When asked whether Room 3B had agreed to the ceasefire, Brayden replied that details were still being finalized.

Twenty-three minutes later, Room 3B resumed throwing dodgeballs.

Gavin Peterson later posted a group photo from the kickball field.

The caption read:

"We just found out we signed a peace treaty."

Despite repeated victory declarations, Gavin has continued posting updates from the opposing side.

Following Victory Number Six, he uploaded a photo showing Room 3B standing on the playground.

The caption read:

"Still here."

Following Victory Number Seven, he posted a photograph of Brayden being struck in the shoulder by a dodgeball.

The caption simply read:

"Historic victory."

Supporters immediately condemned the image as misinformation.

Several Merrill parents admit they are struggling to keep track of developments.

"I've attended four victory cookouts this week," said Merrill resident Randy Kowalski while mowing his lawn.

"Every time Brayden declares the war over, somebody announces another peace summit."

Another resident reported purchasing three separate MISSION ACCOMPLISHED yard signs.

"Apparently all of them were premature."

School officials had hoped summer vacation would bring the conflict to a natural conclusion.

Instead, coalition members have now organized:

• Nine victory celebrations

• Six ceasefires

• Four peace agreements

• Three historic summits

• One strategic timeout

and approximately zero lasting results.

Current banners associated with the conflict include:

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED AGAIN

STILL ACCOMPLISHED

FINAL VICTORY

FINAL VICTORY (UPDATED)

FINAL VICTORY (THIS ONE COUNTS)

At press time, Brayden had announced Victory Number Ten, a Permanent Summer Ceasefire, and what supporters described as the most successful dodgeball agreement ever negotiated.

Moments later, Gavin Peterson posted a group photo from the kickball field showing Room 3B preparing for another game.

The caption read:

"See everyone tomorrow."

Supporters immediately hailed Brayden's response as his greatest victory yet.

An eleventh victory celebration and seventh peace summit were expected later this afternoon.

06/02/2026

TOM TIFFANY ANNOUNCES CAMPAIGN TO BECOME WISCONSIN'S FIRST "SEXECUTIONER"

TOMAHAWK — Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Tom Tiffany stunned supporters, critics, political analysts, and several innocent car enthusiasts Saturday when he announced his intention to abolish the title of Governor and replace it with the entirely new office of "Sexecutioner."

The announcement was made during the Memorial Day Memories Car Show in Tomahawk, where attendees initially believed Tiffany was preparing to discuss taxes, economic development, or road construction.

Instead, witnesses say Tiffany climbed onto a flatbed trailer parked between a restored 1969 Chevelle and a bratwurst stand before unveiling what campaign officials described as "a bold new vision for Wisconsin."

"For too long, Wisconsin has been governed by governors," Tiffany reportedly told the crowd. "It's time for Wisconsin to be s*xecuted."

The crowd reportedly responded with six seconds of silence before a man accidentally dropped his kielbasa.

Campaign officials later clarified that the Sexecutioner would possess all the powers of a traditional governor, plus several additional powers that have not yet been explained to the public and, according to sources, may not actually exist.

Political insiders believe Tiffany's fascination with the concept began during the 2024 Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.

Rumors circulated at the time regarding unusually high activity on various dating applications, like Grindr, as thousands of delegates, activists, consultants, media personalities, and self-described alpha males descended upon the city.

"Tom came back from Milwaukee a changed man," said one anonymous campaign staffer. "For weeks he kept asking if the Governor's Mansion could be converted into a combination executive residence, Harley-Davidson museum, and leather-themed leadership center. Looking back, the warning signs were all there."

The proposal has reportedly triggered widespread confusion throughout Wisconsin Republican circles.

Many loyal conservatives believe the announcement represents an ambitious outreach effort toward LGBTQ+ voters ahead of Pride Month.

"This has to be some kind of strategy," said one concerned Republican volunteer while nervously removing campaign signs from a pickup truck. "I don't understand the strategy. I don't understand the title. I don't understand why the campaign press release came bound in black leather. But there has to be a reason."

The response from Wisconsin's LGBTQ+ community has been considerably less enthusiastic.

"We would like absolutely no part of whatever this is," said a spokesperson representing several Pride organizations. "We spent an entire afternoon trying to determine whether this was a political campaign, a midlife crisis, or an escaped Village People tribute act. We still don't know."

Several Pride organizers quickly issued statements clarifying that Tiffany had not been invited to any Pride events and that the title of Sexecutioner is not recognized by any known LGBTQ+ organization, state agency, municipal government, bowling league, motorcycle club, homeowners association, or fantasy role-playing game.

By Monday, confusion had spread even among Tiffany's most dedicated supporters.

"I voted for the guy before," said Tomahawk resident Randy Becker. "But I thought he was going to talk about inflation. Instead, I got a forty-minute speech about executive authority, freedom, decorative chains, and something called the Department of Strategic Seduction. Honestly, I was just trying to look at classic cars."

Several attendees reported that the campaign presentation concluded with Tiffany promising to create a new cabinet-level position known as the Secretary of Hitachi Wands, though campaign staff later denied the position existed before quietly adding it to the campaign website.

At press time, campaign officials were preparing a statewide listening tour entitled "Ride Hard for Wisconsin," while desperately trying to explain that the campaign's newly unveiled logo was completely unrelated to anything anyone was thinking.

Nobody believed them.

06/01/2026

PARENTS THREATEN BOYCOTT OF CENTRAL WISCONSIN SOCCER CLASSIC OVER TRAVEL COSTS, SECURITY CONCERNS, AND TALENT VERIFICATION CHECKPOINTS

MERRILL — Parents from Merrill, Tomahawk, Wausau, Stevens Point, Rhinelander, and surrounding communities are threatening to boycott this summer's Central Wisconsin Soccer Classic, citing rising costs, excessive travel requirements, confusing schedules, and growing concerns about what many describe as "an uncomfortable amount of federal interest in youth soccer."

The annual tournament, expected to bring hundreds of players and thousands of spectators to fields throughout Central Wisconsin, has long been considered one of the region's premier youth sporting events.

Many parents now say it has become something else entirely.

"I've got one kid playing in Merrill at 8 a.m., another game in Stevens Point at noon, and a third game scheduled in Tomahawk at 5 p.m.," said Merrill resident Rick Dombrowski.

"I don't know if I'm attending a soccer tournament or transporting nuclear materials across state lines."

Parents estimate a typical tournament weekend now costs several hundred dollars after accounting for fuel, admission fees, concession stand purchases, lodging, team apparel, parking, and emergency caffeine supplies.

Stevens Point mother Jennifer Kroll said she recently paid nearly $300 for a hotel room located less than fifteen minutes from her own house.

"The room had a bed, a television from the Clinton administration, and a smoke detector that chirped every forty-five seconds," Kroll said. "Apparently that's premium lodging now."

Concession pricing has become another source of frustration.

Parents report paying as much as eight dollars for bottled water, nine dollars for hot dogs, and fourteen dollars for nachos believed to have originally been prepared during the first Obama administration.

"I bought lunch for my family and my credit card company immediately texted me to make sure my card hadn't been stolen," said Tomahawk father Brian Krueger.

However, rising costs are no longer the only concern.

A growing number of parents have begun expressing unease over rumors of expanded security measures being planned for the tournament.

The concerns reportedly intensified following last winter's highly publicized federal operation at an Abbotsford daycare center, which many parents say permanently altered their understanding of what government agencies might choose to investigate.

"Look, I'm not saying anything is happening," said one Merrill parent who requested anonymity. "I'm just saying my daughter scored four goals in a tournament last year and three days later I saw two guys with lanyards and clipboards watching warmups."

Other parents claim to have witnessed unidentified officials recording player statistics, monitoring goal celebrations, and measuring sprint times.

"Nobody can explain why somebody needs to know which eleven-year-old leads the conference in assists," said a concerned father from Rhinelander.

"That's exactly how databases start."

Rumors intensified this week after leaked tournament planning documents referenced the creation of a Player Verification Zone.

According to the documents, athletes may be asked to present player cards, birth certificates, proof of residency, and evidence that they have never intentionally flopped to draw a penalty kick.

Additional screening may reportedly apply to players who score more than three goals during the tournament.

Parents have nicknamed the area the "Goal Scorer Processing Center."

Tournament officials insist the designation is inaccurate.

The proposed security measures have received strong support from Wausau Mayor Douglas Dainty.

"This is about protecting the integrity of the game," Dainty said during a press conference held inside an air-conditioned hospitality tent overlooking Field 3.

"If a twelve-year-old scores five goals in a single weekend, I think it's perfectly reasonable for authorities to ask a few questions."

Dainty also announced support for a new Talent Compliance Initiative that would identify unusually skilled players for additional evaluation.

"We simply want to know where all these goals are coming from," Dainty explained.

"Frankly, if a child can consistently score in youth soccer, they deserve to be on a watch list of some kind."

The mayor later unveiled plans for several additional tournament enhancements, including:

• Talent Verification Checkpoints

• Preferred Spectator Screening Lanes

• Dynamic Concession Pricing

• VIP Lawn Chair Seating

• A Central Wisconsin Soccer Passport that families must have stamped while traveling between Merrill, Stevens Point, Wausau, and Tomahawk

• A dedicated Goal Scorer Registry

According to Dainty, the registry would help officials track players exhibiting "suspiciously high levels of offensive productivity."

Parents were less enthusiastic.

"My son scored two goals all last season," said one father from Stevens Point.

"At this point I'm less worried about government surveillance and more worried they'll think he's not trying."

As criticism mounted, Dainty continued to defend the tournament.

"This event generates tremendous economic activity," he said.

When asked for examples, Dainty pointed toward a nearby Kwik Trip.

"That location sold seventeen extra breakfast sandwiches before 10 a.m. during last year's tournament."

"That's growth."

As of press time, organizers remained confident families would continue attending despite growing complaints and rumors.

Parents agreed.

"We'll absolutely be there," said Kroll while loading six folding chairs, three coolers, two canopies, four sports bags, and a wagon into her SUV.

"But if anybody asks for my kid's expected-goals percentage, we're leaving."

05/31/2026

MERRILL DAILY HAROLD – BREAKING NEWS

WHITE HOUSE UFC CARD COLLAPSES AFTER FIGHTERS LEARN 100,000-PERSON CROWD IS ACTUALLY 4,000 FIT MILITARY PERSONNEL

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Organizers of the upcoming UFC Freedom 250 event at the White House are scrambling to save the fight card after multiple fighters reportedly withdrew upon learning the event's originally advertised crowd of 100,000 patriotic Americans has been revised downward to approximately 4,000 military personnel who can successfully complete a physical fitness test.

The event, originally announced as part of America's 250th anniversary celebration, was expected to draw a crowd larger than many NFL stadiums.

Instead, recent reports indicate the actual audience surrounding the Octagon will consist primarily of active-duty military members selected through a ticket lottery and meeting strict appearance, fitness, and readiness standards.

According to sources familiar with the situation, several UFC fighters immediately began reconsidering their participation.

"I signed up to fight in front of 100,000 screaming fans," one fighter reportedly said. "Now I'm being told I'll be fighting in front of 4,000 people who can all run two miles without stopping. That's a completely different atmosphere. Our fans are guys who can't touch their toes and can't read. They buy our merch. We put autographs on their wife's b***s. What the hell man?"

The withdrawals mirror problems currently facing the America 250 concert series, where multiple musical acts reportedly backed out after learning more about the event's highly publicized political profile.

Several fighters allegedly expressed similar concerns.

"They kept telling us this wasn't political," said another anonymous competitor. "Then I saw an eagle flyover, three giant American flags, a military parade, six television networks, and a commemorative coin featuring a shirtless George Washington choke-slamming King George III."

As fighters continued leaving the card, organizers were forced to announce replacement bouts.

The new main event will reportedly feature Chuck Norris versus Kimbo Slice.

Officials acknowledge both fighters may face attendance challenges but insist negotiations remain active.

"We have not received a formal no," one event planner explained.

The remainder of the card has undergone significant revisions.

Current scheduled bouts include:

Kid Rock vs. The Woke Mind Virus

Ted Nugent vs. Three IRS Agents

Donald Trump vs. A Flight of Stairs

Marjorie Taylor Greene vs. The Epstein Files

Vanilla Ice vs. Anyone Else Who Didn't Cancel

The Village People vs. Several Extremely Concerned School Board Members

A proposed undercard fight between Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster was unfortunately canceled after both contestants failed to appear for mandatory drug testing.

Event organizers also briefly attempted to schedule a triple-threat match featuring George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt before historians objected.

The shrinking attendance numbers have reportedly created additional morale problems.

Many supporters who initially expected a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness history have learned they may not qualify for admission.

The news came as a particular shock to America's large and proud population of middle-aged men who have spent the past decade perfecting what medical professionals describe as "advanced tactical barbecue physiques."

"I was promised a patriotic UFC event," said one disappointed applicant while adjusting his Freedom Suspenders. "Nobody mentioned I'd need visible abdominal muscles."

Officials insist no discrimination is taking place.

"We welcome Americans of all shapes and sizes," one spokesperson stated. "Some of them will simply be watching from much farther away than others."

Meanwhile, attendance estimates continue to evolve.

Organizers initially projected more than 100,000 attendees.

That figure later dropped to 75,000.

Then 25,000.

Then 10,000.

Then approximately 4,000.

Officials now say attendance calculations include television viewers, livestream viewers, social media users, people who drive past Washington, D.C., and every bald eagle currently residing within United States borders.

Despite the setbacks, organizers remain optimistic.

"The event will still make history," one White House official stated.

When asked how, the official clarified that no sporting event has ever before lost this many participants before the opening bell while simultaneously increasing its projected attendance.

At press time, organizers announced that Chuck Norris and Kimbo Slice had also reportedly withdrawn from the event.

Officials confirmed they are now negotiating a replacement main event between Kid Rock and a bald eagle that became trapped inside a Freedom 250 merchandise tent.

Sources close to the eagle say contract talks have stalled after the bird demanded more fish, fewer speeches, and complete creative control over its walkout music.

05/30/2026

MERRILL DAILY HAROLD – BREAKING NEWS

ED HAROLD CHALLENGES KALVIN "KAREN" KALLAHAN TO MMA MATCH FOR 35TH ASSEMBLY SEAT, CONFUSES ACTUAL CANDIDATE

MERRILL — In the most exciting political development since the Merrill City Council accidentally voted to ban Tuesdays in 1984, Merrill Daily Harold editor Ed Harold has formally challenged Wisconsin State Representative Kalvin "Karen" Kallahan to a Mixed Martial Arts contest at the 2026 Lincoln County Fair.

The winner, according to Harold's proposal, would become the next representative of Wisconsin's 35th Assembly District.

The loser would receive lifetime admission to the Merrill Historical Society and a $7.43 Culver's gift card.

Almost immediately, election officials pointed out a significant flaw in the plan.

Harold is not actually running for the seat.

The Democratic candidate is Elizabeth McCracken.

"That's nice," Harold responded. "But this isn't about elections. This is about settling things."

Political experts spent several hours attempting to determine what exactly needed settling.

Harold declined to elaborate.

Fair organizers have already embraced the idea, announcing that The Rumble for the 35th will headline the 2026 Lincoln County Fair immediately after the Demolition Derby and just before the Firemen's Water Fight.

Promotional posters feature Harold squaring off against Kallahan inside a state-certified octagon reportedly constructed by the Lincoln County Highway Department after several beers, a welding torch, and a sketch drawn on the back of a Kwik Trip napkin.

"I've spent years fighting misinformation, comment sections, and people who think Harold is a typo," Harold told reporters. "Frankly, this is the logical next step."

Sources close to Kallahan say the representative has yet to respond to the challenge.

Witnesses claim he has been seen abruptly changing direction whenever approached by reporters, campaign volunteers, or anyone carrying MMA gloves.

Several phone calls seeking comment reportedly went unanswered.

His voicemail greeting allegedly still states:

"You've reached the future Governor of Wisconsin."

"It's difficult to negotiate with someone who's faster at avoiding reporters than answering questions," Harold said.

Meanwhile, Democratic candidate Elizabeth McCracken issued a brief statement expressing confusion.

"I am literally running in this election," the statement read.

Harold reportedly responded by asking whether she would be willing to serve as ring announcer.

According to fair officials, the bout would consist of three five-minute rounds under official Lincoln County Fair rules.

Those rules prohibit eye-gouging, biting, and bringing a lawyer into the octagon.

The contest will be officiated by the Honorable Judge Allison Gale of Lincoln County, a 75-year-old veteran jurist with absolutely no MMA experience but who once successfully broke up a bar fight involving two intoxicated Packers fans and a man wearing a Bears jersey.

"That's more experience than most referees have," one organizer noted.

Between rounds, competitors will be offered cheese curds, deep-fried Oreos, and Brandy Old Fashioneds in accordance with Wisconsin Athletic Commission regulations that may or may not exist.

Medical assistance will be provided by the Merrill Fire Department's B-Team.

Their emergency response plan currently consists of the phrase:

"We'll hose 'em down if they get too sweaty."

Betting markets have already opened throughout Lincoln County.

One local tavern currently lists the odds of Kallahan accepting the challenge at roughly the same probability as finding an affordable apartment in Merrill.

Another sportsbook is accepting wagers on whether Harold enters the arena accompanied by heavy metal music, bagpipes, or a dramatic reading of angry Facebook comments.

Political analysts remain divided on the outcome.

Some cite Kallahan's youth and athleticism.

Others point out that Harold has survived decades of Wisconsin winters, truck stops, Facebook arguments, and Friday fish fry debates that escalated into discussions about property taxes.

As of press time, election officials continued insisting that defeating Kallahan in hand-to-hand combat would not legally award Harold a seat in the Wisconsin State Assembly.

Harold called that position "deeply anti-democratic."

Tickets for The Rumble for the 35th will be available at the Lincoln County Fairgrounds, the County Clerk's Office, and any tavern with a functioning cash register.

All proceeds will go toward repairing the fair's Tilt-A-Whirl, which has not tilted, whirled, or inspired confidence since 2009.

The Merrill Daily Harold will continue providing exclusive coverage, fighter profiles, weigh-in results, and live updates unless Kallahan accepts the challenge, in which case reporters will likely be too busy laughing to take notes.

05/29/2026

Cokenado Terrorizes Merrill, Delights the ‘Bloody Six’

By Colby Wailer - He'll be happy to have a beer with you!

As we approach everyone’s favorite time of year, Tornado Season, we have already been treated to our first twister of the year. Over the weekend, a startlingly speedy funnel crashed the Memorial Day activities by bringing something we haven’t seen this late in the spring season since the Great White Out of ‘07. I’m not talking about snow either. I’m talking about pure, uncut, Colombian co***ne.

It’s estimated that the budding tornado touched down near the Sixth Ward in Merrill, a popular section of town used to house various substances in abandoned factories. When the funnel cloud formed, it immediately got to work prying off the roofs of the many factories gathered in the old Bloody Six.

While most folks would be hiding in their basements during a tornado, Midwesterners run on different sauce, opting instead to stand outside with a Busch Light and watch nature attempt vehicular manslaughter. To everyone’s surprise, after ripping the top off the old Sierra Mist factory, the tornado took on a stark white glow as it began whipping up what everyone initially assumed was sugar from the soda plant. As the winds intensified, however, onlookers were treated to the unmistakable zoomies that can only come from the type of sugar that starts with “booger.”

This instantly whipped the amateur storm watchers into a frenzy. Reports quickly poured in claiming the nearby Holiday gas station was raided for every available menthol cigarette, energy drink, and suspiciously dusty roller dog rotating beneath the heat lamps. Witnesses say the coked-up masses then began chanting “RAISE HELL, PRAISE DALE!” in tribute to the late Dale Earnhardt Sr. before stripping down and stampeding through the streets like feral hogs escaping a fireworks factory.

Several residents claim they saw one shirtless man attempt to fistfight the tornado while another reportedly saluted a passing lawn chair that had achieved low orbit over the bridge. One local woman described the atmosphere as “the Kentucky Derby if everyone was divorced.”

While the incident occurred Saturday evening, authorities confirm they are still receiving reports of n**e Sixers prowling the streets, waiting for their highs to wear off. The entire district across the iconic double bridges remains blanketed beneath a minty fog of chain smokers operating on approximately zero sleep and several deeply questionable life choices.

Local authorities have largely abandoned attempts to restore order, instead placing warning signs near the southern bridge advising travelers of “heightened drug-fueled goblin activity” within the Sixth Ward.

The rest of Merrill reportedly responded with a collective shrug and the phrase:

“What else is new?”

05/27/2026

TOM TIFFANY SECURES GOP ENDORSEMENT AS WISCONSIN COMMUNISTS NOMINATE “THE PEOPLE’S VIBRATOR”

-Polls show Cold War relic crushing race by historic margins despite lacking pulse, policy platform, or legal personhood.

By DeaDon - He's all about good vibes!

MERRILL, WI — Wisconsin’s gubernatorial race detonated into surrealist chaos Tuesday after Tom Tiffany officially secured the Republican endorsement for governor, only to discover that his presumed opponent would be a “thoroughly experienced” Soviet-era adult s*x toy, nominated by the Wisconsin Communist Party during what witnesses described as “a deeply confusing picnic behind a shuttered Hardee's.”

The nominee, officially listed as Comrade Throbislav, The Worker’s Delight, is believed to have been manufactured sometime between the Cuban Missile Crisis and the invention of decent soup. The object reportedly emerged from a dusty footlocker labeled “Agricultural Attachments / Definitely Not Pleasure Devices” discovered in the basement of a retired Oshkosh union hall.

Within hours of the nomination, statewide polling exploded with moaning, and delight!

One survey, conducted by the University of Northern Cheese Logistics, showed Throbislav holding a staggering 69-to-1 advantage over Tiffany among likely voters, undecided raccoons, and at least four emotionally exhausted bull semen collectors.

“It’s unprecedented,” said political analyst Wanda L***y, visibly trembling beside a whiteboard covered in arrows and gravy stains. “Historically, candidates benefit from charisma, fundraising, or coherent speech. But voters are increasingly responding to candidates who simply remain silent and vibrate occasionally.”

Tiffany’s campaign attempted to regain momentum Monday by unveiling a 14-point infrastructure plan, and a ceremonial bratwurst launcher. Unfortunately, the event was overshadowed when Throbislav’s supporters arrived chanting, “SEIZE THE MEMES OF PRODUCTION,” while wheeling the nominee atop a modified snowblower draped in red velvet and expired coupons for ham loaf.

Communist Party officials defended the choice.

“Unlike traditional politicians, Comrade Throbislav has already admitted it’s been inside terrible decisions,” declared party chair Leonard “Beans” Fukup, while smoking what appeared to be a clove cigarette made from newspaper fragments. “The people crave authenticity. Also, it glows in the dark.”

The campaign itself has become increasingly bizarre. Throbislav’s platform reportedly includes:

-Nationalizing Culver’s condiment stations.

-Replacing all traffic cones with “community guidance cylinders.”

-Mandatory accordion lessons in public schools.

-Strategic Vaseline reserves hidden throughout the Nicolet National Forest.

Meanwhile, Tiffany supporters insist the race is still winnable.

“Tom’s a serious candidate,” said Merrill resident Duane P. Horkbladder, who accidentally glued his thumb to a campaign sign during the interview. “Sure, he’s down fifty points to a haunted Kremlin marital aid, but Wisconsin folks appreciate determination.”

At press time, Throbislav had surged even further ahead after a debate performance in which the Communist nominee said absolutely nothing for 47 minutes, while emitting what analysts called “a calm, bipartisan humming noise.” Political experts across the state agreed it was the most coherent gubernatorial debate since 1989.

Merrill Daily Harold

06/03/2026

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