Merrill Daily Harold, 1110 E. 10th Street, Suite 666, Merrill, WI (2025)

12/07/2025

MERRILL, WISCONSIN: A CITY H***Y FOR CONSERVATION!

Merrill, Wisconsin erupted into chaos this week after City Hall unveiled its new holiday sustainability initiative: "Eat A Beaver, Save A Tree."

What began as a well-intentioned environmental message instantly became the most unintentionally risqué campaign since the town’s ill-fated "Stroke It for Charity" canoe-paddling fundraiser.

Mayor Anita Shavve insisted the message was strictly literal. "This is about population control, or something" she declared, proudly presenting a slow-roasted beaver like she was posing for a woodsy centerfold. "These critters are mowing down trees faster than our residents slam down Old Fashioned's."

But the town’s collective eyebrow shot upward like synchronized gymnastics.

Within minutes, Merrill's Facebook community page, normally used for lost dog announcements and arguments about snowplow conspiracies, became a battlefield. Some residents embraced the slogan enthusiastically, slapping it on bumper stickers, koozies, and one disturbingly sensual holiday wreath. Others called it "a perverse attack on wholesome woodland creatures, and human decency."

Animal rights activists gathered outside City Hall holding signs that read “KEEP YOUR MOUTHS OFF OUR BEAVERS,” while counter-protesters waved grill tongs and shouted, “TO SAVE A FOREST, WE NEED TO LICK THEM BEAVERS!”

Complicating matters further, Merrill Special Indeed Needs School (aka: Merrill SINS) mistakenly adopted the slogan for its holiday spirit week before anyone realized the implications of "Beaver Appreciation Day (aka: BAD.)" Principal, Hosay Kenusea, is now on administrative leave, reportedly hiding in a storage building, barricading himself behind broken toilets, and modifying tampon dispensers to fire bottle rocket tampons at anyone that "trips his trigger."

Despite the uproar, Mayor Shavve refuses to back down. "This program is beholden to the true meaning of Christmas, or something." "Hell! I'm sure that Jesus dude would've munched on beaver, if they weren't so damned hairy and unclean back then!" Anita continued, "If eating beaver is wrong," she said, "then Merrill can stay wrong. We need more wrong stuff, or something."

As of press time, beavers remain on high alert, woods remain hopeful, and the Chamber of Commerce is quietly considering rebranding the town as "Wisconsin’s naughtiest environmentalists."

12/01/2025

As****es rejoice! A new product from swiss company Ahssvipers, has just been unveiled at the 2025 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The new contraption is a modified version of the original design the swiss tech company unveiled last groundhog’s day and has been finding its way into homes ever since. If you aren’t in the know, Ahssvipers revealed the Wahdelbach 1.0 last year to the applause of every dirty as***le in the world. The revolutionary device is an automated toilet paper device that uses incredible AI technology to help you get that perfect wipe every time. Customers that took the leap of faith and invested in the earliest version of the Wahdelbach found that their as***les had never been cleaner, with some saying their significant others could see their own reflections in the partner’s third eyes!

With such a wonderful addition to the home seeming like it couldn’t be improved on any further, the burgeoning swiss developer decided to put their paper where their mouth was and got right to work improving the original design. While the 1.0 featured a spinning brush and hose-like internal cleaner, the 2.0 has replaced the brush head altogether in favor of an eerily detailed, human-like hand that features 180 separate points of movement, allowing for the perfectly personalized wiping experience. The new wiping mechanism isn’t the only humanoid feature added to the new 2.0 model however, as the internal rinser has also seen some improvements including a new, torpedo shaped head as well as a new, ribbed for your pleasure body with an extra 10 inches of length.

Company founder Ashtole Blaschtenburgner reported that the original model was great but “far from” his ideal partner in the bathroom. Blaschtenburgner claims that the 2.0 version of the Wahdelbach is “getting there” but there are still boundaries he believes can be penetrated. “Ja, I have been wanting to improve the design by doubling up all attachments and arms, that way you can wipe with friends and family at the same time.”. The proud inventor went on to describe he has plans to create a video gamified pair of toilets he intends to introduce to the market later next year which should be the precursor to his doubled up Wahdelbach he intends to call the 4.0, not the 3.0. Blaschtenburgner claims he intends to aim the dual toilets to s*xual deviants and video gamers specifically, sure that his concept for a companion app game called Battle Sh*ts, will be a hit with both parties with plenty to be enjoyed by the broad public as well.

In light of this exciting news, be ready with your pocket books as the Wahdelbach 2.0 is set to release as soon as November 32nd in every Macy’s and Younkers locations in the Continental US and all Ikea’s in Europe and Thailand.

11/28/2025

Pine River Hunters Grow Desperate, Weld “Deer Smashers” to Matching Prius Fleet

By Staff Reporter, Merrill Daily Herald

PINE RIVER — With gun deer season halfway over and not a single buck bagged, a trio of Pine River hunting buddies have taken what local authorities are calling “a regrettable, yet highly on-brand turn for this community.”

Lifelong friends Randy “Buckless” Krueger, Tim “Trigger-Happy” Walters, and Dale “The Optimist” Fenske have spent the last two weekends perched in their stands, staring into the empty woods of Pine River as deer apparently migrated en masse to literally anywhere else. After “a record number of hours of seeing absolutely nothing,” the group decided it was time for a tactical shift.

That shift, unfortunately, involved railroad tracks.

Each of the three hunters—who already stand out thanks to their matching red Toyota Priuses, which they proudly describe as “eco-friendly hunting rigs”—announced a plan to improve their odds by welding makeshift “deer smashers” to the front ends of their cars. According to witnesses, the devices resemble “a budget Mad Max bumper built by a guy who failed high school shop class.”

“We ain’t harvesting nothing in the woods,” said Krueger, tightening a bolt on his rail-grade front end. “But every deer in Lincoln County eventually crosses County Highway P. We’re just adapting.”

DNR officials, alerted after locals reported “three red hybrids prowling the shoulder like wolves with catalytic converters,” quickly reminded the men that vehicle-assisted harvesting is not part of Wisconsin’s approved deer management strategy.

“We’ve seen bait piles, salt blocks, and questionable grunting techniques,” said DNR warden, Joe Byrider. “But this is the first time we’ve encountered a coordinated Prius-based offensive.”

The hunters remain undeterred.

“We’re sportsmen,” insisted Walters. “We believe in fair chase. We’re just expanding the definition of ‘chase.’”

Meanwhile, residents along County Highway P have expressed concern about the trio’s new method, particularly after Dale test-drove his rig and allegedly took out several mailboxes, though he maintains they “looked vaguely deer-shaped.”

No deer have been harmed yet—unless you count emotional distress—but the hunters say they’re confident their luck is about to change.

“If this doesn’t work,” said Fenske, “we’re considering mounting decoy does on the hoods. Maybe light-up ones from Menards.”

DNR officials have already pre-written several citations “just to save time.”

As gun deer season heads into its final days, one thing is clear: Pine River may be the only town in Wisconsin where a pack of modified Priuses is a bigger threat to the ecosystem than actual hunters.

11/23/2025

PSA ALERT: MERRILL HUNTERS STILL CAN’T TELL A DEER FROM A TRAUMA NOODLE!

In Merrill, Wisconsin, deer season came early this year, not because of climate change, but because local hunters are legally blind to reality, and morally colorblind to wildlife.

The confusion began when “trophy hunter” Kelvin Kalvin Kallahan mistook a hyperventilating ferret behind a woodpile for a twelve-point buck. He whispered, “Lord, she’s majestic,” and fired.

What followed was less “clean kill” and more 1960s drive-in movie gore sound effects, mixed with an aggressive rain of stolen socks, loose buttons, and what doctors later confirmed was the ferret’s final Yelp review of existence.

By week two, every living room in Merrill had a new conversation starter: A taxidermied ferret posed majestically over fake leaves, holding a tiny acorn, like it died trying to open a Roth IRA.

The local paper’s headline read:
“DEER SEASON YIELDS 87% FERRET CASUALTIES, 13% REGRET. KALLAHAN'S A MORON!"

Hunters defended themselves, saying nature was “getting confusing on purpose” and that “everything is brown if you squint through a case of Busch Light.”

Thad Pe**er, self-proclaimed "Mr. Know-it-all," unveiled his new invention: Ferret-Blind™ Camo, which is just normal camouflage but legally absolves you of empathy.

Enter: El Generale Squeezlebone.
Philosopher. Revolutionary. Emotional car wreck. Grandfather to El Capitan Spaulding, and holder of a PhD in Existential Screaming.

He climbed a tree stump, wrapped in a shoelace scarf and pure spite, with his message of retaliation:

“YOU CALL THIS HUNTING?” he shrieked, vibrating like a microwave with a fork inside.
“WE ARE NOT ‘SKINNY GROUND DEER,’ WE ARE SENTIENT PIPE BOMBS OF FEELINGS!”

He held up a tiny family portrait.
It was just a gum wrapper with claw marks and what might have been blood or cherry Slurpee.

“My brother, Sir Nibblesworth, executed for the crime of being a little too cylindrical.
My niece? Mistaken for ‘wind debris’ and hung next to a Packers calendar!”

Grown men wept.

Area rifleman, Hunter Slows, gradually lowered his rifle, whispering, “Dear God… I just shot my own sense of purpose.”

From that day forward, Merrill introduced mandatory Ferret Discrimination Vision Tests for hunters, featuring confusing flashcards and aggressive squeaking simulations.

Business collapsed.
Souls reflected.
The ferret population rebounded... bitter, feral, emotionally damaged, and somehow stronger.

And every year, when deer season begins, you can hear a tiny bell ring in the woods…

followed by the ferret ancestral whisper:

“CHECK YOUR OPTICS, YOU EVOLUTIONARY SPEEDBUMPS!"

11/17/2025

*TV SHOW COMING TO MERRILL!*

In the normally tranquil hamlet of Merrill, Wisconsin, where the wildest nightlife is the 24-hour Kwik Trip coffee machine sputtering like it’s summoning demons, television producers descended like caffeinated vultures. They were there to cast for a brand-new sitcom: ENEMIES, the chaotic antithesis to Friends.

Rumor spread fast. Thad Pe**er said Hollywood was coming. But, town chair people clarified it wasn’t “Hollywood-Hollywood,” but more like a guy who once drove past the Hollywood sign while stoned, delivering frozen sausage links. Technical details be damned!

Producers set up auditions in the Merrill bowling alley, Lester's Ball O'Rama, which still smelled faintly of old feet, cheap nacho cheese, and generational despair. The locals lined up. Not because they wanted fame, no one in Merrill believes in such witchcraft, but because auditions came with a coupon for free ball polishing.

The show’s premise was simple: six dysfunctional strangers who actively despise each other share an apartment built on the edge of a sinkhole. Instead of bonding over coffee at a cozy café, they’d screech at each other while drinking lukewarm gas-station beer, in a dilapidated laundromat / questionable pizza shop.

Betty Gonnahump auditioned first. When asked to insult a stranger, she unleashed a volcanic tirade so blistering the producers scribbled “POTENTIAL LEAD, POSSIBLE MENACE TO SOCIETY” in their notes.

Then came Randy “Two-Toes” Stumpf, who lost the other eight toes in what he called a misunderstanding with a snowblower. His natural ability to mutter threats at full volume without moving his lips stunned everyone.

But the real standout was Eugene Woller, who showed up in a trench coat filled with live ferrets “for emotional support.” One ferret suddenly escaped mid-audition, causing a melee that producers described as “cinematic gold” and the fire marshal described as “grounds for immediate closure.”

By day’s end, the producers knew they had a hit.

ENEMIES wasn’t just a TV show...

It was Merrill, unfiltered, unhinged, and ready for prime time grindage!

11/14/2025

BREAKING NEWS: NEW YORKERS EYE WISCONSIN FOR A BETTER LIFE

While news of the new Mayor elected in New York has spread a good deal of hope for many Americans, there is a group of deniers that seem to think all of this good change isn’t so good. In today’s piece, we will be taking comments of willfully displaced New Yorkers looking for a new home and how that may affect Wisconsin.

Reporter John Micheal Pants is on scene in New York city where he is walking the beat, interviewing a congregation of dissenting characters attempting some form of protest. Despite the stained brown pavement and rats the size of mopeds, some folk have found other reasons to be dissatisfied with their surroundings. “I just can’t believe they’re tryin’ to make things good.” One bewildered street goer said on the goings on. “I mean, what’s next? Are they gonna take the lead out of the pipes and make the water taste good?” The disgruntled man said as he stared angrily at a mosque in the distance. “I bet they’re gonna try makin’ the rats smaller too.”

“I hear they’re gonna try rebuilding the bridge to Staten Island too.” Another angry street goer bemoaned, referencing the great metal bridge fire of 2024 that destroyed the only bridge to Staten Island, severing it from the rest of the world and forcing it into a post-apocalyptic state.

While there are no other interesting stories in New York at the current time, Mr. Pants continued his quest to find more opinions and maybe even a direction these upset New Yorkers plan to go. A common theme amongst the jabber in the crowd was things getting worse or a broad sense of ruining things that were at one point pristine or beautiful, much like the American spirit. It didn’t take long for the whole crowd to switch directions and begin walking west, seemingly directly out of the city. In the spirit of making things worse for themselves, the crowd of mostly people in their 50s and 60s, elected to leave their worldly possessions and vehicles behind, in an attempt to send a message to the people in charge.

“This is what we want!” The group began cheering as they left the city behind them. Mr. Pants, following closely behind the vacating mob, asked them where they were headed. In response, he collected a shared sentiment in the crowd searching for places where things were worse. Given that they were walking, it was likely they were headed to Pennsylvania, a historically worse place than New York, but when this was suggested, the responders grew agitated, certain they weren’t that desperate.

It was clear they wanted to go someplace that wasn’t just already bad, no, they wanted to go somewhere good that was slowly becoming worse. “I hear they’re building crap tons of those AI buildings in Wisconsin!” One excited and very greasy man chimed in. “That’ll do all sorts of bad stuff to the water and power grid.” He continued, rubbing his hands together like a fly. “Maybe we’ll head there and see how bad things will get in the coming months when they switch those suckers on. All those P*e Fasts and hot water ought to do some damage, and I don’t know about you’s guys, but that sounds like it’ll make things way worse for everyone.”

With their new destination in mind, the New Yorkers, now calling themselves Old Yorkists, began to slowly walk their way to Wisconsin. Hopefully most of them will freeze in place long before reaching the midwest but the tenacity of a scorned New Yorker is something akin to an animal leaving to the woods to pick out a good spot to die, it just may be inevitable.

This is a developing story and with our journalist, Mr. Pants, on the scene, we will be back with any major updates in timely fashion, so stay posted.

11/02/2025

Local Family Values Groups Outraged Over ‘Indecent’ Snickers Bars
By The Merrill Daily Harold Investigative Treats Desk

MERRILL — Several local “family values” organizations are demanding an apology after what they describe as a “deeply inappropriate and s*xually suggestive” Halloween candy giveaway this year. The controversy centers around Snickers bars — specifically, the full-sized ones — which, according to the groups, “still had the veins.”

“We thought the candy industry learned its lesson after that viral incident last year,” said Ruth-Anne Pemberton, spokesperson for Parents Against Perverted Peanuts (PAPP). “You can’t just hand children something with that kind of texture. It’s sinful. It’s worldly. And frankly, it’s distracting from Jesus.”

Members of the group gathered outside the Merrill Walmart on November 1st, holding signs reading “CLEANSE THE CANDY” and “NO VEINS, NO SHAME.” One man was spotted handing out Hershey bars labeled “Purity Edition,” though police later confirmed he had just scribbled the phrase on with a Sharpie.

Snickers’ parent company, Mars Incorporated, released a statement late Friday afternoon reminding customers that “the veins are chocolate, not carnal,” but the outrage has continued to ripple through the community.

Pastor Tim Jorgensen of the New Light Baptist Church called for “a return to simpler, smoother treats,” recommending that parents instead hand out peppermints, Werther’s Originals, or “those gross orange circus peanuts God intended.”

Local convenience stores reported a sudden spike in candy returns, while the Sawmill Brewing Company capitalized by launching a limited-edition “Veiny Delight Stout,” described as “thick, nutty, and uncomfortably satisfying.”

City officials say they are reviewing next year’s Halloween guidelines to ensure “only wholesome, God-fearing candy circulates Merrill neighborhoods.”

When asked for comment, one trick-or-treater simply said, “It’s just a Snickers, lady.”

— The Merrill Daily Harold

11/02/2025

NEW BUSINESS VENTURE... BUT WHERE DO WE SWIPE OUR EBT CARDS???

In today’s political climate, the use of food assistance and other like programs are under more scrutiny than ever. While most would assume this delicate issue requires finesse and subtlety to navigate, a local business owner has his own ideas for how to make those dollars stretch a little further, or, at least, he did until the looming government shutdown led him down a different kind of rabbit hole.

James B. Gnasty, the owner of local bar and gentlemen’s club, Slippery Lips, recently instituted a new company policy allowing the use of Food Share benefits while at the club, a move he was sure would only bring him more success. To begin, we asked him what inspired such a new way of conducting business. “Well, most of the girls are already on em anyway, on account of all the kids they end up having.” James began, slipping past the fact that half of the children are allegedly his own. “It took a little reverse engineering, but we figured it out in the end. Now, people have a new use for those extra food stamps they don’t need.” He continued, rubbing his hands together like a hungry fly.

When asked how he was able to pull off these changes, he gave a simple explanation. “We hot wired some grocery terminals to the stages and each table. Since they came from grocery stores that are no longer ‘officially’ in business, it was as easy as plug and play.”

When visiting the club, it can be seen that the familiar checkout terminals are present, albeit a bit crudely placed with wires running across the back end of tables, all of which travel back to James’ office. Girls are now encouraged to throw discarded clothing toward the wires to help cover them up more during the busier hours as well. With options like Lapdances, private sessions, and even something called Gagoodity Hour being discounted if purchased with food share benefits, the club saw immediate results as patrons eagerly flung their digital assistance to women with no clothes on.

It wasn’t all fun in the sun for James and the girls though, at least not when the government decided it was shutting down for the foreseeable future, canceling millions of food related benefits for the people that often frequented such establishments as Slippery Lips.

“I mean, we were stunned.” James said as he began to recount when everything changed, again. “Our profits were up nearly 40% in the first month we started accepting EBT for lapdances and nachos at the buffet. Come to think of it, I think you could already get the nachos with foodshare before we put out the terminals… Either way, we were selling more and losing less since it's all digital and then, on one Monday in early October, we got a letter in the mail. It wasn’t something from the government getting on our case, no, it was them telling us that nobody would be getting any more benefits while the government is closed.” James’ began to tear up as he continued. “I mean, now the girls are gonna start losing the weight where it really matters and I was just about to start running our Gobblin’ and Wobblin’ promotion for November. Without fat on those asses, there won’t be any wobblin’ now.”

James finished his interview urging for those going through financial hardships to seek help wherever able but those that were doing alright to stop in and support a struggling, local business. Since receiving the news, James has also been running ads similar to Animal Shelters featuring the hungry girls with special attention being drawn to their diminished features. So far, the only network running the ads are Cinemax and Hallmark but James remains optimistic, leaving us with a parting line he wrote that he plans to use until the government opens again.

“We are remaining Hoepful, and so should you.”

10/25/2025

Judge Feels the Freedom: Courthouse May Get Ballroom After Underwear Epiphany

By The Merrill Daily Harold Investigative Comfort Team

MERRILL, WI — In what local officials are calling “a bold step for both justice and jock support,” Lincoln County Circuit Judge Allison Gale has proposed adding a full ballroom to the courthouse — all inspired by his first experience wearing Duluth Trading Company’s signature Buck Naked boxer briefs.

According to courthouse sources, Judge Gale reportedly strutted into chambers Monday morning with “an unusual amount of swagger,” announcing that “true freedom should not be confined to briefs, or to courtroom procedure.”

“He said it was like his lower half was dancing the polka while his upper half was maintaining judicial decorum,” said one court clerk, who requested anonymity but admitted they’ve “never seen a judge grin like that during sentencing.”

The proposed “Lincoln County Justice Ballroom” would reportedly feature oak floors, a live polka band on Fridays, and “ample ventilation for maximum Duluth comfort.” Early plans also include a bronze statue of a winking badger holding a gavel and a pair of boxer briefs.

County Board members expressed mixed reactions. Board chair Dale Zastrow called the idea “a breath of fresh air for a building that smells like mildew and old paperwork,” while others questioned the funding. “We’re still paying off the courthouse elevator repair from 2003,” noted Supervisor Judy Klemp. “Now we’re supposed to waltz through fiscal responsibility?”

A spokesperson for Duluth Trading Company released a statement thanking Judge Gale for “championing comfort in government” and offered to sponsor the first annual Justice Jam, a semi-formal courthouse dance benefiting “those who suffer from chafing, both literal and bureaucratic.”

Construction on the ballroom is expected to begin “once the county can afford it, or whenever Gale’s briefs lose elasticity” — whichever comes first.

10/23/2025

*BREAKING NEWS: THE AMISH DON'T LIKE TO HAVE FUN!

While the nation at large is steeped in a grand debate over whether there should or shouldn’t be a tyrannical despot at the helm of our great country, there are other, more confused groups that seem to be assembling in the wake of this mass call to action.

The Board of Amish Ministries and Fidelities (BAMF) announced last Monday that they would be holding a surprise demonstration outside the Merrill courthouse to raise awareness of issues that they believe to be just as pressing as the state of command in the country. What issues are the Amish clamoring over you may ask yourself. Could it be grain shortages? Wagon wheel prices going up due to tariffs? Or how long it takes modern youth to raise a barn?

The answer is actually nothing typically associated with the amish: Sexual Kinks. To get to the bottom of this, the Daily Harold reached out to the head chairman of BAMF, Gabe Uttsecks, seeking answers as to why the amish are choosing to make their stand against what most consider normal or even fun, this is what he had to say.

“One of our Youngins came back from their Rumspringa wearing a dog suit and walking on all fours. Normally, this would be bad enough, but when he started raising his leg to relieve himself on my wife’s blouse, I knew the outside world had gone too far.” The man spoke, clearly still distraught over what he saw. “That’s not it.” Gabe continued. “There have been others that come back asking to suck on the toes of others…” It’s here that Gabe became so flustered, his responses became more panicked than vindictive. “Some of the boys have even been caught smuggling batteries into the compounds in their… Willies.”

The haunted recollections of Gabe continued for some time mentioning things like Ni**le Clamps, leather and spikes, and beads designed only to go in your back side. “We just don’t get it and we certainly don’t approve of what foul corruption is bleeding into our youngins while they are exposed to the s*xual horrors of the modern world. We, as a community, have mustered the courage to step outside in defiance of these ‘kinks’, as they’re called, with a protest we are calling ‘no kinks day’.”

While a bit tone deaf, Gabe and the other Amish elders all agreed that s*x should only serve the function of reproduction and should feature as little friction and lubrication as possible. “I mean, when Martha and I did do the s*x, it was for a terrifyingly long 5 minutes and it was horribly chaffing.” Gabe recalled with a shudder. “I can’t imagine anyone wanting to add more to the experience.”

When asked if there will be a dress code to more easily identify the protestors, Gabe nodded his head. “Yes, but it won’t be our normal black and white clothing.” When asked why they would be switching colors, Gabe explained. “You see, there is a deviant group that also wears our colors. Lots of black clothing and pale skin, the youth only call them Goth Baddies.” The confused elder explained. “We will be choosing to divert normal expectations of our clothing by wearing bright blue and pink, representing man and woman, and we will also be wearing white shirts beneath since that’s the only color we make our under shirts in.”

When asked if BAMF knew what colors were on the Trans flag, the confused elder only shook his head dismissively. “This has NOTHING to do with cars… unless the boys are trying to do s*x with those too now.” A haunted worry seemed settled over the man before we asked him to give us a closing remark.

“Clamps are only for horse saddles and s*x should only be had with your wife and in the presence of a priest who is older than both of you combined.” With that, Gabe simply noted that the demonstration would be held on Monday, November 3rd at 11:30. It would have been earlier but there is a “Pony Play” gathering using the grounds before them.

10/19/2025

*NEW TREND THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!*

We all know that middle names take many forms and choosing the perfect one isn’t always so easy. Recent studies coming in from the Institute of Names Studies indicates that a new middle name is being doled out faster than the blue Jello cups at the insane asylum. So, what is this new name that is taking our nation by storm? It’s none other than a tribute to our great, goblinoid VP, Mr. J.D. Vance.

There is much speculation as to the identity of the J.D. in our co captain’s name with many scholars and guess makers making good, but incorrect assumptions as to what the mysterious two letters could be. Some of the more bold guesses include: Josh Darnit, Jeepers D Creepers, Jimminy Dimminy, and even Jabrickishaw Dergusen but the truth has finally been revealed to us in the recent 2025 election cycle.

As a publicity stunt to promote his toe nail themed self help novel, now VP Vance held a “guess the name” contest for 2 months leading up to the election in hopes of motivating more of his mountain dwelling brethren to learn to read and, in turn, to vote. The contest was a rousing success, luring many deformed creatures with voting rights from the Appalachian Mountains into local libraries and voting booths to boot. While there wasn’t a single correct answer given, co-president Vance revealed the truth once he was finally elected.

“Jorkin DaPen*s” Vance proclaimed proudly to an eruption of moist applause. The news was received so well, that many local municipalities in low income areas, immediately experienced a birthing boom, welcoming a 69% increase in children being born into semi-squallor. A shocking 99.9% of children born during this boom were given the middle name Jorkin DaPen*s in reverence to our cherubic Sub Ruler, quickly launching the name to the top of this year’s trending baby middle names.

Our reporters have been attempting to contact VP Vance for further insight on the naming boom but he has denied any further comment as he had just begun working on a massive lollipop the size of a child’s head. It’s unclear if the co-president will finish his massive lollie any time soon but we expect we will hear more about the honor this trend has brought to his otherwise mysterious past.

Merrill Daily Harold

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