Merrill Daily Harold, 1110 E. 10th Street, Suite 666, Merrill, WI (2025)

10/02/2025

Irma, Wisconsin Declares Itself the U.S. Federal Government After Washington Stops Pretending to Work

By Absurdia Picklefist, Staff Writer of Merrill Daily Harold's Department of Existential Panic

IRMA, WI — In an unprecedented act of rural coup d’état (yeah, we speak French, too!), the Irma City Council voted 3–2 Tuesday to take over the federal government after realizing Congress had shut itself down due to “terminal brain farts.”

Council President Doris “Diesel” Borkowski kicked off the takeover by duct-taping an American flag to a John Deere tractor and announcing, “If Washington wants to sit around sucking its own c**k, then Irma will run the empire of collapsing strip malls and debt ourselves.”

Among the council’s first decrees:

*All U.S. military aircraft must be retrofitted with gun racks and deer whistles.

*Medicare will now cover hangovers and chainsaw accidents.

*The national anthem will be replaced with the sound of a cheese curd squeaking against human teeth, played on loop until morale improves.

But perhaps the boldest move was appointing the town’s emotional support ferret, El Capitain Spaulding, as Secretary of Defense and Acting President. Wearing a crown made from expired bratwurst links, the ferret immediately declared martial law, slathered himself in Sweet Gay Ray's Big Mother-licker BBQ sauce, chewed through two electrical cords, and fell asleep in the nuclear codes briefcase.

“He’s already got more leadership qualities than any senator I’ve ever met,” said Councilwoman Barb Eeque, who was weeping openly as Spaulding gnawed on her knuckles.

The dissenting vote came from Councilman Earl “Cranky” Dunse, who muttered, “We can’t run America. We can’t even keep m**h heads from ice fishing naked.” He was promptly declared “Unpatriotic” and sentenced to clean Spaulding’s litter box until further notice.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon has been rebranded “The Big Angry Cheese Wedge,” and the White House lawn is being tilled for corn. Sources report Spaulding is already planning a national address, assuming he doesn’t choke to death on his own tail first!

Tots and pears are being considered...

10/01/2025

Local Businesses Look to Put the “Fun” in Funeral After Televised Charlie Kirk Memorial

MERRILL, WI — After the nationally televised memorial service of celebrity podcaster Charlie Kirk drew record ratings thanks to its WWE-style pyrotechnics, merchandise tables, and what one mourner described as “a tailgate atmosphere with slightly more alligator tears,” two local businesses are seizing the moment.

Victory Fireworks of Merrill has announced a bold new partnership with the Great Lakes Wrestling Foundation to launch what they’re calling Bereavement Celebrations™ — an “action-packed way to say goodbye, complete with flames, folding chairs, and fond memories.”

“Why should grief be boring?” asked Victory Fireworks owner Sparky Gunderson, while showing off a prototype “Final Salute” casket outfitted with Roman candles. “We’ve been sending rockets into the sky for decades. Now we’re sending Uncle Randy out with a bang — literally.”

The concept is simple: when someone passes, families will have the option to trade somber organ music for entrance themes, pallbearers for professional wrestlers, and the traditional eulogy for color commentary.

“Imagine grandma’s casket rolling into the ring while flames shoot twenty feet in the air, followed by a tag-team match in her honor,” said Great Lakes Wrestling promoter Doug “The Duke” Halverson. “We’ll even sell limited-edition T-shirts that say ‘I Got Buried at Grandma’s Funeral.’ It’s what she would’ve wanted. The Gram Slam!”

Packages will range from the modest “Tears and Chairs” special, which includes a ten-minute wrestling match and commemorative beer koozies, all the way up to the “Eternal Smackdown Deluxe,” which features a twenty-minute cage match, custom fireworks spelling the deceased’s name, and a live-streamed pay-per-view feed for relatives who couldn’t make it out of Wausau.

Not everyone in town is thrilled with the idea. Local pastor Rev. Jim Thorsen said, “Death is supposed to be a solemn occasion. But if I see one more casket get suplexed through a folding table, I’m retiring.”

Still, Gunderson remains optimistic. “Look, people spend thousands on funerals anyway. Why not make it som**hing folks actually want to attend? We’re just trying to make sure nobody leaves disappointed.”

Early sign-ups for the service have already exceeded expectations. The first official Bereavement Celebration™ is set for next month at the Merrill Expo Center, where mourners are expected to chant “One More Match!” as the dearly departed is counted out for the last time.

09/30/2025

Trump Declares Merrill’s “War on 64” a National Emergency, Deploys Troops to Bluejay Stadium

MERRILL, WI — In a shocking announcement on Truth Social this weekend, President Donald J. Trump declared that Merrill, Wisconsin, had “fallen into complete chaos” and would require “all necessary troops” to protect the city from Antifa terrorists “escalating the War on 64.”

Locals, however, were left scratching their heads. The only “war zone” over the weekend was the Antigo Red Robins’ end zone, which was relentlessly shelled by Merrill Bluejay touchdowns in a humiliating 35-0 blowout.

“Troops? What troops?” said Merrill resident Gary “Goober” Swenson, sipping his third Brandy Old Fashioned at Champs. “The only violence I saw was Antigo’s quarterback getting sacked so hard he probably qualifies for disability now. If that’s Antifa, then sign me up.”

Trump’s post described Merrill as “a once-great American city, now burning in flames and full of dangerous Red Robins,” but eyewitnesses report the only thing burning Saturday night was the bratwurst grill outside Jay Stadium.

Governor Tina Kotek of Oregon quickly clarified, “We don’t know why Trump keeps mixing up Portland and Merrill. One has craft beer, overpriced coffee, and anarchists. The other has Busch Light, overcooked fish frys, and kids who can’t block a field goal.”

Despite no credible evidence of Antifa involvement, the Pentagon announced 200 federalized National Guard members would be stationed near Highway 64 “to ensure the peace.” Their first assignment: repainting Antigo’s battered goalposts and consoling Red Robin fans who haven’t stopped crying since the third quarter.

Merrill football coach Jason Polski welcomed the federal presence:

> “Frankly, if Trump wants to bring troops to help Antigo’s offensive line, I’m all for it. Somebody’s gotta protect that poor quarterback before we break him in half again next year.”

Meanwhile, the Antigo Fire Department has confirmed their chief will once again report to Merrill for his annual ritual humiliation, this time polishing Merrill’s championship trophy under armed guard.

Locals remain baffled by the President’s declaration. As Merrill grandma Doris Krueger summed it up:

> “There ain’t no war here, unless you count the one going on in my stomach after those chili cheese curds. The only thing Antigo lost this weekend was their pride.”

09/24/2025

The Rapture Postponed Indefinitely After Ticketmaster Fees Skyrocket

Yesterday was supposed to be the Big Day, with trumpets blaring, clouds parting, sinners shrieking, and the righteous floating skyward like confused Cirque du Soleil performers. Instead, humanity woke up groggy and disappointed to find the Rapture canceled, after Ticketmaster slapped on what experts are calling “the most ungodly service fees in history.”

Admission into Heaven was advertised as “Free with Faith.” By checkout, however, believers were walloped with $249.99 in “ascension handling fees,” a $75 “pearly gate convenience charge,” and most offensive of all, a $666 “Jesus Processing Fee.”

Pastor Pudd Pulllerr of Hilly Church, in Merrill, said, “My congregation was ready to float up in our Sunday best. Then we got hit with a $19.95 cloud maintenance fee. I looked at my wife and said, ‘Honey, we’re not paying $600 just to stand near Moses.’ We’ll wait for the Groupon.”

Muhammad Muhammad Mooohammad, the singular Merrill Muslim was even dismayed by the "Splurgin' For Virgins" fee of $69! Mu Moo (his street name,) said "Heaven's even more prejudiced than Merrill!"

Even angels weren’t spared. One seraph told reporters, “I’ve been practicing harp for 4,000 years and even I couldn’t afford to get in. They tried to charge me a $55 ‘halo verification fee.’ I work for the company!”

For those willing to splurge, Ticketmaster did offer the “VIP Heaven Package”:

$1,999 for “Front Row Throne Seating” near God.

$499 for “Meet-and-Greet With Pete (aka: Saint Peter.”) *Photo not included, permit $120 extra.

$300 for “Early Cloud Access.”

$150 for a “No Hell Guarantee” wristband.

“It felt more like Coachella with harps,” said Ivanna Humpalot. “I just wanted eternal bliss, not a surprise $60 Holy Spirit fuel surcharge.”

Meanwhile, scalpers on Earth took advantage. One man in Des Moines was arrested for selling “Heaven Fast Passes” for $1,200 each, plus a churro.

Heaven’s official statement was blunt:

“Until Ticketmaster lowers its fees, the Rapture is postponed. Please hold.”

Rumors swirl that God may switch to Eventbrite or even Facebook Events. Until then, humanity will keep muddling through Earth, where misery is free, and the only surcharge is existence itself.

09/21/2025

11 days. You still ain't getting an apology. Has anyone seen any good memes or heard some jokes?

09/17/2025

TOMAHAWK, WI — Friday night’s festivities at the Fall Ride were derailed after a local man with more Busch Light than blood in his system told a group of bikers that their matching leather outfits made them “look more gay than Rob Halford in 1984” and that they “probably had more AIDS than Freddie Mercury.”

The comment instantly split the biker crowd like a Harley hitting a deer at 70 mph. The gang Sons of Syphilis reportedly took the remark as a badge of honor, shouting “Hell yeah, Rob Halford rules!” while their rivals, The Denim Daddies, threatened to “beat his ass back to Merrill.”

Tensions escalated when another local chimed in that Ted Nugent’s classic track Ja****it was “clearly about underage boys,” sparking chaos. Half the bikers screamed that “Uncle Ted would never betray America that way,” while the other half admitted they’d only defended the song because they thought it was about high school cheerleaders.

By midnight, the riot had consumed most of downtown Tomahawk. Witnesses reported at least three Harleys set ablaze, an inflatable Kid Rock lookalike deflated in the crossfire, and one emotional support ferret kidnapped by a rival gang and ransomed for Marlboro Reds.

“This was worse than the ‘Is Kid Rock Rap or Country?’ brawl of ’07,” Sheriff Dale “Skullcrusher” Johnson admitted, while firing beanbags into a crowd chanting “FREE NUGE.” Local EMTs treated injuries ranging from broken jaws to sprained mullets, and one biker had to be hospitalized after trying to prove his masculinity by shotgunning a bottle of Fireball.

One biker, identified only as “Chainsaw Randy,” offered his perspective while still wearing nothing but assless chaps and a set of ni**le clamp chains that jingled in the streetlight. “Look, man, we didn’t come here to fight,” Randy said. “We came here for hogs, hogging beers, and hogging… well, let’s just say hogging in general. But when some drunk tells me I look like Rob Halford, damn right I take that as a compliment. Judas Priest forever!”

Event organizers issued a statement Saturday morning reminding visitors that the Fall Ride is a “family-friendly event” and asked people to “please keep future arguments focused on motorcycles and m**h, not sexual politics and Ted Nugent’s lyrical crimes.”

09/11/2025

The Dead Charlies to Play Abnormal Park This Saturday

MERRILL, WI — Abnormal Park is about to get even weirder. On Saturday, September 13th, the punk band The Dead Charlies will unleash their furious, tongue-in-cheek setlist in Merrill’s most recently rebranded outdoor space. Inspired by the unholy pairing of Charles Manson’s cult ramblings and Charlie Kirk’s college-campus ramblings, the band’s sound has been described as “if Hot Topic and a conspiracy podcast got into a knife fight behind the gazebo.”

Fans can expect raw guitar riffs, sneering vocals, and satirical tracks like Helter Stupider, Turning Point of No Return, and Ben Shapiro Ruined My Prom. The band has promised a stage show “equal parts punk show, failed TED Talk, and low-budget séance,” complete with inflatable narwhals and possibly a squirrel in co**se paint. City officials have already issued a statement reminding residents that glow-in-the-dark mulch is not a mosh pit safety feature.

The show kicks off at 8 p.m. on September 13th at Abnormal Park, with opener Lawn Chair Guillotine setting the tone. Admission is free, but donations in expired Dogecoin, Chuck E. Cheese tokens, or gently used Misfits T-shirts are encouraged. As one councilman put it: “If the Charlies are dead, then Merrill is finally alive."

09/09/2025

Merrill City Council Renames ‘Normal Park’ to ‘Abnormal Park’ in Bold Move to Seem Edgy and Relevant

By Truly Offherocker, Staff Writer for the Merrill Daily Herald’s “You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me” Section

In what officials are calling a “transformational step toward irrelevance with flair,” the Merrill City Council voted 6-1 Tuesday night to rename the town’s beloved Normal Park to “Abnormal Park,” in a desperate attempt to boost tourism, confuse teenagers, and finally win over that one TikToker who keeps filming feral felines fu***ng behind the gazebo.

“We’re tired of being called boring,” Councilman Trevor Fapnoodle declared, wearing a questionably stained Hawk Tuah Girl T-shirt that read ‘Chaos is my cardio.’ “This is not your grandma’s Merrill anymore. Unless your grandma is into EDM goat yoga and n**e pickleball leagues.”

The GOP has also erected a tent at Abnormal Park, to "keep on eye on the kids," as stated by Wrong Johnson. In step with the GOP desire to maintain its worship of Coppertone Caligula, they are calling the tent "The GOP Excuse Diddlers Office (aka: GOPEDO)."

The renaming ceremony included interpretive screaming by the mayor’s nephew, the unveiling of a 9-foot inflatable narwhal that will be tethered to a new dirty duck pond indefinitely, and a ceremonial release of squirrels dressed as court jesters.

Locals are torn. Lifelong resident Betty Wont, 84, muttered, “I once saw a man p*e into a trumpet at that park. It’s always been abnormal. At least now it’s honest.”

New signage will feature glitchy graffiti fonts and QR codes that lead to the GOPEDO's "northern naughty cabin."

Planned future upgrades to the park include glow-in-the-dark mulch, a skate ramp shaped like Freud’s head, and a “Choose Your Own Conspiracy Theory” walking trail, sponsored by an unnamed vitamin pyramid scheme, located near the courthouse.

When asked about the cost of the makeover, city officials assured taxpayers, “We paid for most of it in expired Dogecoin and Chuck E. Cheese tokens.”

Merrill’s Abnormal Park is open to the public, though residents are warned: do not engage with the mime that’s been living in the restrooms since COVID started.

*UPDATE, BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN INCLUSIVENESS!*

Comment from Councilman Randy "Ranch Hands" Blortz, the lone dissenting vote:

"Let me just say, I voted NO because I don’t want my tax dollars going to narwhals, squirrel drag shows, gay frogs, or any of this glow-in-the-dark mulch agenda. This ain’t Burning Man, it’s Merrill, Wisconsin. We’re supposed to stand for traditional values, like mowing lawns shirtless, yelling at clouds, and letting kids eat hose water until their teeth fall out naturally, not whatever ‘EDM goat yoga’ is supposed to be.

Randy's neck veins bulged and throbbed as he screamed "Stupid WOKE sheeple! This is how the lizard elite take your mulch. Sounds satanic, if you ask me."

08/31/2025

Deer Run Estates, a Merrill trailer park community, has recently updated its nonverbal community dating communication standards.

08/15/2025

MERRILL DAILY HAROLD – BREAKING NEWS 📰
"The Rumble for the 35th" to Headline 2026 Lincoln County Fair

MERRILL — In the most exciting political development since the city council accidentally voted to ban Tuesdays back in 1984, Merrill Daily Harold editor Ed Harold has thrown down the gauntlet — literally — to Wisconsin’s 35th Assembly District representative Kalvin “Karen” Kallahan.

The terms are simple: one Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) match, mano-a-mano, in the squared octagon (a cutting-edge hybrid ring built by the Lincoln County Highway Department after too many beers and a vague blueprint). The winner becomes the next state representative for the 35th Assembly District. The loser… gets lifetime free admission to the Merrill Historical Society and a $10 Culver’s gift card.

The bout will headline the 2026 Lincoln County Fair, right after the Demolition Derby and just before the Firemen’s Water Fight. Fair organizers have already begun marketing the event as “The Rumble for the 35th”, with promotional posters featuring Ed Harold shirtless in cargo shorts and work boots, squaring up against a fuming Kalvin Kallahan.

“Politics is supposed to be about fighting for your constituents,” Harold told reporters, “and I’m ready to do it the old-fashioned way — in front of 400 beered-up Merrill residents, half a dozen funnel cakes, and God Himself.”

Kallahan, on the other hand, was too afraid to be reached for comment, reportedly ducking calls, ignoring emails, and leaving local reporters talking to his voicemail, which still says “You’ve reached the future Governor of Wisconsin” from his ill-fated 2024 campaign. Sources claim he’s been spotted jogging in the opposite direction whenever anyone holding a notepad gets within 50 feet.

The fight will be officiated by the Honorable Judge Allison Gale of Lincoln County, who has zero MMA experience but once broke up a bar fight between two inebriated Packers fans and a man in a Bears jersey.

In keeping with fair traditions, between each round the fighters will be offered cheese curds, deep-fried Oreos, and a Brandy Old Fashioned. First aid will be provided by the Merrill Fire Department’s B-team, who have already promised to “hose them both down if things get too sweaty.”

Betting is already hot in the stands, with the early line favoring Ed Harold after reports surfaced that Kallahan once pulled a muscle pulling his pud to his grandmother's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" VHS tape.

Tickets will be sold at the fairgrounds, the county clerk’s office, and any tavern with a working cash register. All proceeds will go toward repairing the fair’s Tilt-A-Whirl, which hasn’t tilted or whirled since 2009.

Stay tuned to the Merrill Daily Harold for full coverage, post-fight analysis, and possibly a grainy cell phone video if Uncle Ron remembers to keep his thumb off the camera lens.

08/14/2025

Fun-Sized Fiasco at the Great Loon Lodge

MINOCQUA — What began as the highly anticipated Upper Midwest Pocket Persons Jamboree took a sudden turn for the surreal this weekend at the Great Loon Lodge indoor water park, leaving staff, guests, and local law enforcement utterly baffled.

The Jamboree, organized by the Society for the Celebration of Fun-Sized Freedom promised a weekend of networking, games, and water sports recreation for its members. But the first sign of trouble came when organizers realized the park’s strict 48-inch minimum height requirement for the water slides applied to everybody.

“Half our group got stopped at the stairs,” said event chair “Tiny” Tim Drubbins. “We came here for splash time, not discrimination!”

Denied the high-sp*ed slides, attendees swarmed the lazy river, creating what one lifeguard described as “a miniature whirlpool of pure frustration.” Parents with small children reported confusion as to which tiny swimmers belonged to which family, resulting in several unclaimed inner tubes bobbing aimlessly downstream.

The real chaos began Saturday night when, according to security reports, a busload of unaffiliated convention crashers arrived, claiming they were “big fans of adult fun with fun-sized people.” The Lodge’s general manager, Brenda Klopfenstein, called the scene “deeply unsettling and incredibly depraved, for a family resort.”

“We’ve seen bachelor parties gone wrong, we’ve seen Boy Scout troops sneak into the arcade after hours,” Klopfenstein said. “But I’ve never seen a naked conga line of strangers in snorkel gear chanting, ‘We love you, little buddies!’”

Local police were called in to disperse the crowd, and at least one highly lubricated pool noodle was “confiscated for evidence.”

Event organizers have vowed to book “a more height-inclusive and adventurous venue” next year.

“I don’t care if we have to rent out the entire county fairgrounds,” Drubbins told the Harold. “Nobody should be turned away from a slide because of some arbitrary measuring stick. This is America, and if I want to go face-first down a tube, I should be allowed!”

Great Loon Lodge has since issued a press release assuring guests that “future conventions will be carefully screened to ensure compatibility with our brand’s family-friendly image.”

In related news, the Lodge has announced its lazy river will be closed for “deep cleaning” through September.

08/12/2025

From the Midway to Your Mouth: MillerCoors to Brew State Fair Lager Using Flood Water

WEST ALLIS — After last weekend’s record-breaking floods at the Wisconsin State Fair left livestock floating, cream puffs soggy, and the pig barn smelling riper than usual, MillerCoors Brewing Company of Milwaukee has announced a bold new product: State Fair Lager, brewed entirely with “pristine” State Fair flood waters.

In a press release that reeked faintly of fried cheese curds and horse manure, MillerCoors called the beer “a one-of-a-kind, hyper-local brew that captures the true flavor of the Wisconsin State Fair.”

“This isn’t just water, it is history.” said MillerCoors spokesperson Tammy Lutz, holding up a cloudy Mason jar like she’d discovered the fountain of youth. “This is artisanal runoff, naturally infused with the essence of livestock competitions, midway food stands, and at least six different varieties of deep-fried desserts. It’s a taste of Wisconsin tradition… and tetanus.”

The brewery claims the floodwater was “carefully filtered” through what they describe as “a proprietary process involving Brita pitchers and a couple of old Green Bay Packers sweatshirts.”

Tasting Notes
Early testers describe State Fair Lager as “light-bodied with a faint hint of funnel cake, diesel exhaust, and freshly washed spotted cows .” The finish is said to be “smooth, if you don’t think too hard about where it came from.”

Special Edition Packaging
The beer will be sold in commemorative cans featuring the 2025 Wisconsin State Fair mascot, Cuppy the Cream Puff, wearing water wings and holding a plunger. A QR code on each can will link drinkers to a short video of fair officials pumping out the flooded swine barn.

Public Health Concerns
Wisconsin’s Department of Health Services has issued a polite but firm warning that “no level of beer alcohol content will neutralize what’s in that water.” MillerCoors responded by noting that “We have been brewing questionable beer for our entire history. Wisconsinites have been drinking that beer for as long as we've been making it” and that State Fair Lager will be “no different from a tap beer at Summerfest.”

The first batch will debut next month at select taverns across Milwaukee, with plans to expand distribution statewide if no one dies in the initial release.

Merrill Daily Harold

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