I am an active advocate for people who live life with an invisible mental disability. I am also an advocate for Idaho's homeless population, because "most of us are just one paycheck away from becoming homeless". I live life with one body, yet my brain has partitioned itself into different sections.This is what is diagnosed as Disassociated Identity Disorder. It takes years of intense therapy to f
ully diagnose someone with this condition. The diagnose comes from years of childhood trauma, in most cases years of sexual abuse. Please remember what one finds traumatic, another may seem to be completely normal. Somewhere within my brain due to my past traumas, my mind has made other different versions of me. I am what is considered as "the Host" they all use my body, yet they all have their own personalities. These are what are called "alters" and all of it together, is "our system". Each persons system works differently, what may work for one may or may not work for another. I am not a doctor, I can not diagnose anyone's certain condition, what works for me may not work for another. I am simply stating this is what works for me, and this is what my life is like. I write and share things with the public, so hopefully people will educate themselves on such mental diagnosis and never have to feel alone. There is such a nasty stigma, that follows anyone with a mental diagnosis. Life is hard enough, why make it so much harder for people like me? This diagnosis is extremely lonely. A person will most likely go through the cycles of grief. Most will have episodes of deep depression, total confusion, loss of personal identity. What was once your life, is no longer your life anymore. Hands down, the biggest thing that helped me get through such a difficult time was my one on one counseling sessions with my counselor and my patient wife. Being able to scream and yell at the top of my lungs on really rough days. Being able to grieve the loss of the old me & my old life. Someone to help explain WHY was this happening to me! HOW could this be happening to me? Journaling helps greatly, I can not say this enough,being able to put down on paper what my true feelings were. And then when the time is right, being able to of back and reread those writings. DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND ALL OF IT! You will drive yourself even more crazy and become even more confused! I know from personal experience. Alters show themselves at different times. and unless you are really close to me or live with me, you would never really notice the difference. Certain tests given to you by a registered counselor of psychiatry can be taken to show just how much one disassociates. Some will disassociate when they become scared, stressed, have feelings of being less than, insecure, fear, when someone of a certain stature enters the room. Certain smells, people, to be honest anything can be a trigger! You and your loved ones will have to figure out what triggers are, what meds work if meds are needed. This period of time in your life will become the absolute hardest thing that you will have to go through! In some ways, I like to think of this transition as an awaking. An awaking to your true self. I personally disassociate 69.29% within a 12 hour day. I have no control over this when it happens. The only indicators that happen after "I come back", is my head will slightly begin to hurt and I will yawn, or my eyes will feel hot. I never knew this happening to me, until I was recorded on video.I immediately said, "That is not me! I mean it is, my body but that is not me!" I sat there in pure shock! Total disbelief of what I was being shown. How could that be me? I didn't remember any of it! My voice sounded different, the way my body movements moved, even my eyes were a different color! I felt as someone had taken over my body! My wife of 13 years, would say things like "we've already discussed this,do you not remember?' Or that already happened, you don't remember?" No, no I have no memory of this or that happening. I really, thought I was losing my mind. My behaviors were also weird, things like putting things into little piles, or lining things up, writing lists upon lists of things that needed to be done and then loosing my sh*t, when I was unable to complete the list. My alters, act as they're their own individuals, they all dress and behave differently. They all have separate personalities with separate behaviors, one has high blood pressure while all the others don't. One wears glasses, while others do not. One enjoys red lipstick, while others prefer a more natural shade. Hell, one is even a man! And I have no control, when one to take over. Imagine, being in the back seat of a car. You are watching the road, you may even feel like you are driving the car. Yet, you have no control over the vehicle. You have no control of these different versions of yourself who are trying to escape the shell that they reside in, and usually all at once. Is exhausting, not just for me but also for my family. Most of the time, it's my wife who carries my scars, she is the ones who suffer the most, that and our youngest son. She nor I signed up for any of this, but what do you do when you love someone, who's brain protects them from themselves and their surroundings? People don't come with a sign overhead that states, "In 3 years, 19 days.. you will have a mental break, and your world as you know it is going to totally change. You will lose everything you have ever held come to your heart, you will become homeless for a very long time, and you have no idea what in the bloody hell is happening to you!"
We all have different versions of us that we allow others to see. You have the you, that visits with your family, your version of yourself at work, and the one who hangs out with the friends. They are all versions of who you are, well mine, (*insert nervous chuckle*) Mine, identify as different people. People who sound like me, who look like me, but are not me. They actually protect me. All of them have with different behaviors, attitudes, passions and lifestyles. Needless to say, people like me who suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder, or Complex PTSD with the onset of disassociation, barely exist, living life can and usually is usually pure hell... until you decide that you have to except who you are and what you really stand for. Me, I stand for all of those who are not able to stand for themselves, the ones who have no voice. Help me end the stigma against mental illness. "It's time to remove the jacket, the one that society has placed upon us." Thank you for stopping by! UntoldMe-
