08/25/2026
I’m 48 and I’m not afraid to admit that:
1. I look at friends thriving in the same line of work we started together 10 years ago and on days feel behind in fulfilling my purpose. Am I irrelevant or expired? Am I too late?
2. I worry I trust myself too much, and wonder if that’s what God wants, or if He’s over there lovingly shaking His head with a smile, chuckling, “oh that’s so funny that that’s what she chose.”
3. I see married couples holding hands and families on vacation and parts of me hurt and wonder if that will ever be me.
4. I still catch myself looking at the fat on my body even after losing 46 pounds, and feel zings of resentment toward it. Not because I can’t see the progress, but because underneath is a quieter fear: what if I can’t keep this off, what if I fail again, what if it’s another thing I’ve failed at?
5. I wonder if people are going to leave if they see the full me. I’m genuine and authentic, but I still assess which parts of myself would be welcomed by certain people, and which ones would scare them away.
6. I sleep on the far side of the bed, away from the door, in an otherwise empty California King bed. I still wish there was someone there to meet a burglar or murderer first, to protect me.
7. I hesitate to be more bold about how free and expansive I feel inside my faith with those who’ve stepped outside theirs. Their feelings are real. Their experience isn’t mine.
8. I struggle to explain how much embracing sensuality has changed my life to those from a conservative background like mine. I used to believe it was a threat to my faith, something with no place in my life as a mother and a woman keeping everything running and together.
I’m not trying to be perfect. That word and me have issues 😆. Just embracing, unlearning, relearning, expanding, and healing, one good cry or gentle reminder to myself at a time. And God continues to remind me that I already am worthy of love and of everything I desire.
If you need a safe place to unravel, question, challenge, embrace more of you, allow yourself to hope, and believe you can come alive — this is it. Follow along :)
