05/25/2026
Warning: long post and talks of su***de
3 years ago (yesterday), I checked myself into the adult psychiatry unit of the same hospital I spent a week in before giving birth to Rip, and where Rip then spent 53 days in the NICU.
Postpartum depression had gotten the best of me, and I could no longer hide it. I didnāt want to live any more, plain and simple. I thought Boone and Rip would be better off without me. Cole could easily find a better wife. I hardly talked with my parents or my brother so whatās the difference anyways?
I went in for a checkup with my doctor and told him I was suicidal, and long story short, he asked if I wanted him to call an ambulance. I said no, Iād drive myself to the hospital. I picked up Kaitlin for moral support, and went to the ER.
Hours and hours later, I was admitted and went through the winding halls to the psych unit. Just admitting out loud how badly I was struggling, how much unisom I was taking to sleep, how numb I was to literally everythingā¦ saying all of that out loud was a weight off my chest.
Mind you, this is now 7 months after we brought Rip homeā¦ almost 9 months after he was born. I was on autopilot for the first months of his life. Slowly, I started coming back to reality, and slowly, all the trauma started catching up with me; the trauma of picking zuccini with Boone in the morning with no care in the world, to being admitted to the hospital and being told Iād be there until I gave birth (at that point, I was just over 28 weeks) all in the matter of 10 hours.. to having a preemie baby and not being able to hold my baby without assistance from nurses, or him being hooked up to monitors and chords.. to going to the NICU every day by myself and being there physically but mentally, I donāt even know where my brain was. I disassociated.
Anyways, it took all that time for the trauma to catch up. And when it hit, it hit, and I just couldnāt handle it. I tried fighting and hiding it. I tried medication, but my OB/GYN literally said what I was experiencing was worse than she could prescribe. Sigh..
Continued in comments..
