15/07/2022
Day 1952 of my health journey: Letting go.
Last night on the 1,952nd day of my health journey…I let go. I let go of the body and physicality of “2019 Jill” to make way for this new version of myself.
I let go of the anger and rage against my body when my legs and hands don’t work. I let go of the constant sadness from missing early morning swims, runs through the city and bike rides through the woods.
I let go of the daily verbal abuse against myself for the things I can not do now. I let go of the “standards” I’ve been taught for what’s considered beautiful, sexy, and athletic.
If anyone would attempt to boil the ocean, change the tides, and out-will a diagnosis… it would be me. I will continue to have that attitude of hope that I can be better than I am now… but, I’m going to be kinder and gentler as I do it.
I will redefine me.
I set a goal way before I ever got sick to do a Triathlon by the time I am 45. Until this week, I stopped believing that was something that I would ever be able to do. I may not do it by 45, and it may look completely different… but I will do it.
I have never been able to understand when people say how grateful they were to get diagnosed with something. But I get it now, it’s not being grateful for being sick… it’s about all the lessons and experiences. I have experienced the purest of love on my worst days, which is just enough to make me grateful I got sick.
