BuT i WaNt To gO tO bEnIgAnS!
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BuT i WaNt To gO tO bEnIgAnS!
"Elizabeth Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, saying that she would be spending the remainder of the race following billionaire and fellow former candidate Michael R. Bloomberg down alleyways, through forests, and from a measured, sustained distance within crowds.
Elizabeth Warren Drops out of Presidential Race to Pursue her Passion of Mike Bloomberg Posted on: March 9, 2020 by williamwallaceCategories: "News", Nation, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical ArchivesTags: Bailey Warren, Elizabeth Warren, Michael Bloomberg, Pursuit of Passion BLOOMBERG RESIDENCE – E...
Biden Volunteers Threaten to Reduce Canvassing From 0.6x to 0.4x/month if Sanders is Nominee Posted on: February 3, 2020 by williamwallaceCategories: "News", NationTags: Bernie Sanders, canvassing, Caucus, Iowa, Joe Biden, Mason City, packet, Phil Ochs, volunteering MASON CITY, IOWA – Volunteers f...
"Robert Mueller’s high-pitched, sing-song voice was on full display today in the nation’s capital, a shocking revelation to cap his two years of silence atop the nation’s headlines."
Public Shocked By Mueller’s High-Pitched Fairy-tale Voice Posted on: May 29, 2019 by williamwallaceCategories: "News"Tags: High-pitched voice, Raymond Hult, Robert Mueller WASHINGTON: Robert Mueller’s high-pitched, sing-song voice was on full display today in the nation’s capital, a shocking r...
“The other day, Karen posted this WONDERFUL photo with those cute Minions, and words on it, about why we need to come together to fight DRUMPF (LOL!) with bipartisan candidates like Joe!”
Baby-Boomer Democrats Hold Candlelight Vigil for Joe Biden’s Reputation Posted on: April 5, 2019 by Flat Earth Times News DeskCategories: "News", Nation, PropagandaTags: #MeToo, Baby Boomers, Karen, President Donald Trump, Vice President Joe Biden SCRANTON – Democratic voters roughly ranging in ...
Nerdist presents a sneak peek at the new breathtaking documentary series which showcases the natural splendor of our planet. This little blue dot we call home is filled with wonderful secrets and astounding truths, including the most obvious truth of all, the Earth is in fact flat. Inarguably FLAT. From the creators of “Jurassic Fraud” and “Jim and the Grinch” comes the latest Nerdist docuseries. So sit back and enjoy the beautiful sights our disk planet has to offer!
"Consider the kindness of President Trump. After Senator McCain’s death, President Trump did not posthumously revoke his status as a veteran, strip him of all his ranks and military pension and dishonorably discharge him, as is the President's right and privilege, and as he very well should have done. And Senator McCain never got out of his ivory coffin to thank his president for not doing so."
Deceased Arizona Senator John McCain was brought back into the national conversation today by President Trump. The President disparaged the Vietnam War Veteran and 2008 Republican Presidential nom…
LIVE FOOTAGE OF Gerry Connolly CHALLENGING TRUMP FAMILY CRIMES:
Check out this video of bison charging snowmobilers in Yellowstone National Park, courtesy Eric P.
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Motioning to Vice President Mike Pence behind him for toilet paper, he added, “that caravan is coming to sh-, I mean, give birth, on American soil, and everyone knows it.”
WASHINGTON – As questions deepen about the role President Trump has played in inciting increasing right-wing extremist violence, Mr. Trump on Tuesday morning took the unusual step of having a bowel…
Jeb Bush Sad not to Receive Any Pipe Bombs in Mail
"“I wasn’t checking the mail for a bomb,” said Mr. Bush, looking around awkwardly. “I was checking for fan mail.” Inside the house, his father and brother, both former presidents, could be heard roaring with laughter."
MIAMI – Former Governor of Florida and 2016 U.S. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush peered into his mailbox today, only for his hopes to dissipate once again. He received no crudely-made pipe bomb in …
“Local Man Can’t Decide Between 0.2% Economic Growth, Basic Decency.” Check it out!
"Dave Fresno said he’s very pleased with the economic growth that has continued into Mr. Trump’s tenure. However, he is also a bit displeased by the president’s slow sabotage of Western society."
HOUSTON – Elections are approaching, and Texans are making up their mind. Dave Fresno, an antique shop owner in Piney Point Village, considered his vote at the Avalon Diner. “I have to say, I’m tor…
“She was a pretty lady,” said Mr. Hatch, 84. ”She made sure my corn chowder was served piping hot.”
WASHINGTON – Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), the second ranked Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, scribbled out a thank you letter to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the former classmate of Sup…
“We had higher turnout in Washington state! This election is over. We’re already printing ‘blue tsunami!’ victory shirts and planning a parade in San Francisco!”
SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Ohio, the Democratic Party has spent their entire second quarter fundraising haul on a platinum gavel for Minority Leade…
“GOP to Change Name to GOb to Attract Young Voters” #GrandOldBananarepublic
“Our strongest supporters show what loyalty is all about – even if it means driving across three counties at four in the morning, drunk, looking for the shameless satisfaction you get from ranting about immigrants who can’t even cook a f**king pancake.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes as young voters prove to…
“You don’t go meeting with a corrupt authoritarian like that, who has a cult of personality behind him, who has literal camps full of persecuted political groups, and not say to him, ‘hey, Donald, the world has had enough of your crimes against humanity!’”
PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The No…
“Kim really seemed upset that Trump might go abroad on his big trip to Singapore without him... This was his last best shot to win him back.”
WASHINGTON – Kim Jong-un, Grand Marshall of the People’s Liberation Army, Supreme Leader of the Worker’s Party, and divine ruler of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was seen Sunday holdin…
“Trump Pulls Out of Louisiana Purchase.” #totallyonesided
“Time to get the riff-raff out of our [sic] country!”
NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napol…
“You can torture my body, but that kind of stupidity tortures my soul.”
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md. – Three Americans were freed from North Korean imprisonment yesterday, but after being greeted by President Trump, the horrified men asked to be allowed back into the reclus…
“You’re not going to print that, right?” asked Mr. Sarachan, again referring to that embarrassing 2-1 loss to a tiny island nation whose backup soccer stadium was a flooded field next to a highway.
MOSCOW – The greatest tournament in soccer is set to begin in just one months’ time, and the United States will not be attending. The Americans announced they will be boycotting the 2018 World Cup …
“Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award” #GETTINGTHINGSDONE #SOMEFROMTHELEFTSOMEFROMTHERIGHT #UPTONETHENDOWNTONE #ALLCAPS
“Josh understands that the two political parties represent the only two possible ideologies in the Universe, that they are about equidistant from a rational center, and that true patriotism comes from blindly accepting this and parking oneself directly in the center of both of them”
NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Luga…
“Wait, they were at war? Wasn’t that like 70 years ago?”
Confusion spread across the globe this past weekend as warming relations engulfed North and South Korea, bringing about an end to the Korean War. “What’s happening?!” shrieked Donna Dominica, a wai…
Democrats Buy Pelosi Diamond Gavel After Narrow Special Election Loss
SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi.…
President Trump Offers Eric, Barron in Ongoing Negotiations with Kim Jong-un. #masternegotiator
“Trump could denuclearize the whole damn continent if he could just take his eyes off his daughter.”
WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. He also offer…
'“You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate colleague.'
Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite E…
"James Comey worked hard his entire life. But on Sunday, he was reminded that good guys finish last."
WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, gradua…
Today: Scott Pruitt’s EPA is building him a halo! #Taxpayerpower!
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