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Hipsters Hot Over LGBT’s Lack Of Action

New York City - The NYCHipster Alliance has filed a suit after the LGBT declared that it would not start the proposed gentrification process in Canarsie, Brooklyn, initially agreed upon by the two groups late, last quarter.

LGBT Spokesperson, Kris Kraft stated that the upscaling plan was postponed due to other projects still ongoing in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, Washington Heights, NY and the late completion of “Operation West Bank” in Jersey City, NJ. The LGBT fired back urging the Alliance to once and for all take initiative and start a project themselves. “It is no secret that hipsters have a long history of batting cleanup in the gentrification process. Thier only real responsibility is providing bodies with decent credit scores to start absorbing the hikes in rental prices and opening one or two retro bicycle shops in the area”, stated Kraft.

Kraft declared that the LGBT still had big plans for Canarsie, calling it the next Park Slope. As a show of good faith, LGBT officials offered to support the Alliance by sending a scout unit (typically known as Fast Action Group or F.A.G.) to set up a trendy overpriced coffee shop that would serve as a centralized base camp for the hipsters.

Speaking for the Alliance, Pip Satterfield applauded LGBT’s offer for a base camp but ultimately passed on the idea declaring that it is too risky for its members. “None of us have military training, and as of now, beating the sh*t out of a hipster is not considered a Hate Crime.”


Elections, God Help Us

In a rare interview granted to CNN’s Anderson Copper, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, confessed that there is no way in hell he would consider returning as Savior of Mankind if Trump or Clinton were elected president. Christ claimed that if his flock [voters] were so blinded, thy shall not rejoice - especially over the next four years.

“I believe in giving mankind free will, but this is absurdly ridiculous,” avowed Jesus before going into a five-minute parable/tangent on how Donald Trump would make an excellent Fallen Angel if he ever got into heaven, and on that note, stated, “when Hell freezes over.”

The King of Kings admitted that being a Jew himself, he supported Bernie Sanders early on as his chosen one, until the 76-year-old was cheated yet still decided to back Clinton. “Sure I forgave Judas, that’s what Saviors do, but I’d be damned if I’d support Judas for Pope after turning a good meal into my last supper.”

When asked by Anderson Cooper who the Almighty would consider for the White House, Christ praised Gary Johnson and touted himself as a devout supporter. Although the Messiah admitted that he does not agree with Johnson across the board, he was still convinced that one Johnson was greater than two Evils. Christ, a self-proclaimed blue-collar guy, once a carpenter turned healer, affirmed that Gary is in touch with the middle-class. “He doesn’t see the other party’s voters as lepers.” The Son of Man also declared that it was finally refreshing to see a candidate who eagerly promoted the fruits of his dad’s labor, referring to the miracle drug, Marijana. “Father just did meds better than Big Pharma,” exclaimed, Christ, “Johnson gets that!”

Christ affirmed that his belief was so strong in the Johnson/Weld ticket that he has even added the endorsement, “Vote Gary Johnson” to his popular “What Would Jesus Do” bracelets.

Jesus’ rally for the Libertarian Presidental Candidate is scheduled this Sunday, however, don’t expect to see or hear about it through the mainstream media, that in itself would take a Goddamn miracle.


The SEC is considering dropping Texas A&M after the results of last night’s Chick-fil-A Bowl Game against Duke. A representative from the SEC stated that dropping A&M has nothing with the fact that they nearly lost – Duke played a hard-fought game. “Reasoning for dismissal is on account of A&M’s players and fans celebrated like they just won a National Championship and that was embarrassing, after all, it was only Duke.”


FBI finally catches the man whom they helped create a plan to blowup the Wichita Airport

With their state-of-the-art surveillance, and the ability to manipulate, this year’s government coaxed terrorist Terry L. Loewen, 58, never had a chance to pull off a well-executed terror plot devised by the FBI.
A spokesperson from the FBI stated that they had been tracking Loewen since an undercover agent made friends with him at Anthony Robbins’ low self-esteem seminar, “Date With Destiny.” During that event, the undercover agent had to make a tough choice since there was also a Muslim there that he could have befriended. But in the end the FBI decided to go with Loewen because a white terrorist would really scare the sh*t out of the US population, and since Loewen already worked at the airport and had an access key card it was a no-brainer.
After months of hanging out with his newest “BFF” and “Super Friend,” as the terrorist referred to the operative in emails and phone logs, he finally agreed to help carry out a plot to kill thousands. It took time to persuade Loewen, but the Bureau has mastered highly advanced tactics of influence from the previous 14 terror plots it has orchestrated and then foiled.
Even though the FBI funded the terrorist and gave him everything from blueprints, timetables, and a vehicle loaded down with explosives, an FBI agent said that there was never any real danger.
"The terrorist was just going off the information and direction the Bureau was feeding him. Since we had complete mind control over Loewen, he wasn’t ever really a threat to the public."
"To be honest, I don’t think Loewen would have been smart or evil enough to plan and then pull off a terrorist plot of this magnitude," said one agent during the arrest. "It was the hard work by our well train agents and psychologist that helped create this terrorist scare. We did everything in our power to spark Loewen’s interest in blowing up the airport, and when he finally said yes, we arrested him! This is just another great day for the Bureau, and a glorious day to be a patriot!"


China is deploying a robotic probe on the moon's surface this week. Their intentions are unclear at this time as a Chinese spokesman was close-lipped simply declaring that it was an "Ancient Chinese Secret."


Cirroc, the Unfronzen Caveman Lawyer gives his opening statement in the Bronx train derailment case.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - 82 in a 30 mph zone will cause train derailment.


One Kick-ass Administration, Two Sweet Deals

The White House is patting itself on the back for a weekend of problems solved. First, President Obama agreed to a deal that would curb Iran’s nuclear program by lifting sanctions on the country and secondly, the Obama Administration has given 5 billion dollars to a company that plans to pour cold water directly into an active volcano to combat global warming. You’re welcome world!


Anthony Weiner Is #1 Male Costume This Halloween

Women aren’t the only ones getting a little naughty this Halloween. Married men all across the US are going as Anthony Weiner. It’s a relatively cheap costume where you basically sit around the house and when your wife isn’t looking “Twitpic your dick” or more as it is more commonly know as “Tweet your Meat” to younger women whom you’ve met earlier in the week.


Bishop Fired After Finding His Home Was Fit For A "Queen"

This week Pope Francis had to eat his own words that the Catholic Church has been too “obsessed” with homosexuality after he indefinitely suspended Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, for apparently having a super fabulous gay sense of style and a fierce passion for home décor.

Regarding his suspension the “bling bishop” was quoted saying, “I guess ‘Mr. Man’ isn’t as open minded as he says he was. Like OMG, excuse me for having divine taste, okay.”


Difference Between a Government Run Website, and a Privately Run Website

Out of the 9.47 million visitors that have visited, barely 1 out of 10 have achieved success with an average visiting time of 3 hours, leaving millions of visitors completely stressed-out.

Out of the 70 million DAILY visitors that visit PornHub 10 out of 10 achieved success with an average visiting time of 5 minutes or less, leaving millions of visitors relaxed and completely stress-free.


Washington Redskins Change Name For A Winning Season

While many Americans were watching and enjoying Monday Night Football, backdoor deals were being secretly cooked up in Washington D.C.

Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell and the owner of the Washington Redskins, Daniel Snyder held a private meeting hoping to reach a name change agreement for the 81-year-old franchise. During the wee hours Tuesday morning, in a smoky Hilton conference room, an NFL executive order was signed that officially changed the “Washington Redskins” to the “Washington Regulators.”

What few are calling a touchdown for racial rectitude in professional athletics, many teams and fans are calling foul due to governing powers that the mandate gives to Washington.

In accordance with Washington’s name change, the new order authorizes the Washington Regulators to play by a different set of rules than every other team in the NFL. The Washington Regulators will also be able to impose new rules as they see fit up to 12 hours before the game to insure the safety of its own players and greater assurance to its fans for a chance of victory. Although this may sound unfair, the Washington Regulators assured ESPN that they would not abuse its new power.

Still, many are throwing a flag on the field as the Washington Regulators have already made forward progress by choosing a unique assemblage of referee’s and line judges who will exclusively call Washington’s games. This hand-selected group of “Supreme Judges” have already been sworn in to guarantee that any further rulings imposed on the visiting teams will be strictly enforced. Even if the Officials miss a call, an additional bylaw provides the Washington Regulators the right to police up their own using either a TASER or mace, which each football player will be required carry a during every game.

Washington Regulators’ wide receiver, Pierre Garcon said that he could see the benefits of spraying a cornerback in the face with mace or pumping 50,000 volts into his quad at the line of scrimmage before running his route. Yet Garcon, like his employer, affirmed that he would never take advantage of his new authority unless the opposing cornerback and safeties became too physical during the game or intercepted a pass intended for him.

In addition to the new guidelines and with the hopes of turning a losing season around, the NFL is backing Washington Regulators’ signature benchmark called TicketCare — an affordable ticket plan for fans of the Washington Regulators.

TicketCare will allow all fans of the Washington Regulators to receive free and discount tickets to home and away games paid for by fans of other NFL teams.

The majority of season ticket holders are up in arms over this new policy as it will increase in the price of their current seating packages by 30% beginning in 2014, and many more are screaming bloody murder due to Washington seat holders and corporate box owners receiving exemptions from TicketCare.

As the executive measure takes shape, Sports Illustrated is projecting that the Washington Regulators fan base to grow tenfold in urban areas and in significant parts of California, Arizona, and even Texas, stealing the title of America’s Team from the Dallas Cowboys.

At 9:00 AM Washington Regulators’ fans, new fans, and some who don’t even follow football attempted to sign up on TicketCare’s website. However, due to the mass number of people blitzing the website in hopes of free tickets the site has been sacked until further notice.


Obama's Driven Plan

After today’s implementation of the Affordable Care Act, President Obama is already looking to the next big thing — passing his signature Affordable AutoCare Act. Mr. Obama asserted that all American citizens deserve the right to automobile use and that no one should have to go through life without a free ride. His plan is to combine ObamaCare with ObamaAutoCare and give 32 million citizens their very own Ambulance.


“The country with the biggest obesity rate on the planet passed free health care. Yep, I do not see any future financial hiccups associated with that group of hard working, self-controlled citizens.”

— Surgeon General



The NSA: "Don't Worry, We Will Still Be Watching You"

In the midst of a government shutdown, a spokesperson for the National Security Agency noted that American Citizens should not be weary about national security as the agency has more than enough funds to continue reading your Facebook updates, emails, and recording your phone calls — to keep you safe.


US Denies Involvement in Terror Attack

The Al Qaeda-linked Somali militant group al-Shabab has claimed responsibility for the terrorist attack that killed 59 and injured 150 in a Kenyan mall. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney stated that no US funding contributed to the Kenyan terrorist attack as the US is only funding Al Qaeda-linked terrorist groups in Syria at this time.


Yankees Hoping for Golf Season Instead of Postseason

Attitudes seemed to be unexpectedly positive in New York City this week even though the Bronx Bomber’s hopes of making it to the postseason are about as likely as Anthony Weiner never taking another picture of his pen*s.

Derek Jeter admitted that having off this October is just what the Yankees need to “heal up” and for a few, “a good time to kick the roids.” Other than that, Jeter added that the streets around the Bronx would finally get some much-needed repairs, and he was glad to see that Myrtle Beach is advertising some killer golf deals this season.


Technology: Apple set to unveil newest turd

Apple is set to unveil the newest iPhone that will be named the “iLetdown 2,” and rightfully so since the iPhone 5 was a complete letdown.

Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook noted that the iLetdown 2’s title is convulsive to the phone’s performance and it is precisely what many have grown to expect from Apple since the passing of Steve Jobs. Even though the iLetdown 2 is going to be a total disappointment, Cook advised investors not to be weary since there is an abundance of morons who would buy a turd if it were stamped with a Mac logo.


Anthony Weiner gets hard on… the issues.

New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner is getting down and dirty using what political pundits call "tough talk" to avoid questions about his past, asserting that it’s time to look to the future. Mr. Weiner hopes that hardening his image will attract and excite voters who ordinarily wouldn’t be interested in a soft, flaccid like, Weiner.


DMX Foils Cops Plan to Beat Him By Playing Dead

DMX officially stated that he was not intoxicated when he was pulled over by a police officer early Friday morning. He admitted that he instinctively did the safest thing that a black man could do after being pulled over at 3:00 AM in South Carolina and play opossum.


Weiner: "I have the balls to carry on"

If you think Anthony Weiner is ready to step out of the New York mayoral race just because his campaign manager quit and more women are steadily coming forward about his lewd sexting, you better think again.

In a recent press conference, Weiner asserted that he was a true New Yorker, and when the chips are down, New Yorkers have the fortitude and cojones to move forward. He added, that even during this difficult time he believes that his fellow New Yorkers will see that he has the balls to carry on and strongly emphasized that if anyone had any doubt, he would happily text multiple pictures of his balls to prove it.


Detroit: Skating on Thin Ice

Just weeks after Detroit declared bankruptcy a State Board approved spending $284 million in tax dollars to construct a new arena for the Detroit Red Wings. Officials hope that the new arena will cast a shadow over Detroit’s homicide rate, politically corrupt system, and its inability to provide basic services. The biggest drawback, which was not voiced in the board’s decision, was that the only people in left in Detroit whom will be able to afford to see a Red Wings game are the players themselves.


New York, NY


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