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The Humor Magazine. The standard in American immaturity. Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

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Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump ~ by Kit Lively  Secret identity of #Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' #Grimace...
08/12/2022
Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump | Weekly Humorist

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump ~ by Kit Lively Secret identity of #Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' #Grimace life size #sex doll, #Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And #fbi #doll

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down ~ by Rob Kutner  You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every pie...
08/12/2022
I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down | Weekly Humorist

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down ~ by Rob Kutner You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf #banking

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental ~ by Johanna Gohmann  We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of b...
08/12/2022
Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental | Weekly Humorist

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental ~ by Johanna Gohmann We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill #airbnb

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Notes for My Cat Sitter ~ by Liz Alterman  If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on 'Vanderpump Rules'. It reminds her ...
08/12/2022
Notes for My Cat Sitter | Weekly Humorist

Notes for My Cat Sitter ~ by Liz Alterman If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on 'Vanderpump Rules'. It reminds her that she hates society. #funny #cat

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

CARTOON: Bed Dread ~ by Tyson Cole  #Clown frown? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole. #kids #dad
08/12/2022
CARTOON: Bed Dread | Weekly Humorist

CARTOON: Bed Dread ~ by Tyson Cole #Clown frown? Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole. #kids #dad

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

#BreakfastATVshow ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games  Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns...
08/12/2022
#BreakfastATVshow | Weekly Humorist

#BreakfastATVshow ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns of Anarchy, and more #BreakfastATVshow on this week's joke game! #breakfast

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

#DrunkFastFood ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games  White Wine Castle, Gin & Sonic, Jersey Mike's Hard Lemonade, and more...
08/12/2022
#DrunkFastFood | Weekly Humorist

#DrunkFastFood ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games White Wine Castle, Gin & Sonic, Jersey Mike's Hard Lemonade, and more #DrunkFastFood on this week's trending joke game! #drunk

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors ~ by Adam Paul Rotstein  We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic propo...
08/12/2022
No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors | Weekly Humorist

No One Has The Right To Take Away Our Doors ~ by Adam Paul Rotstein We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this #doors

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 215 ~ by   Vendor: Weekly Humorist        Type:         Price:             6.00         ...
08/12/2022
Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 215

Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 215 ~ by Vendor: Weekly Humorist
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Price:
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CONTENTSIssue 215The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of

CONTENTSIssue 215The Collective Bargaining Agreement Of Santa’s Reindeerby AJ DICOSIMOSection 8. Removal For Just Cause: Eating the presents, Eating an Elf, Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids. Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Giftsb...

Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements ~ by Kit Lively  "Please don't be concerned about the goodie bags smelling...
08/12/2022
Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements | Weekly Humorist

Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements ~ by Kit Lively "Please don't be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of #speeches

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Kiss My Grits: Band Shirt ~ by   Vendor: Fuel        Type: Apparel        Price:             19.44 - 22.00            (9...
08/12/2022
Kiss My Grits: Band Shirt

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08/12/2022
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What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You ~ by Laura LeeLun  Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. #Lion (female): You’re...
08/12/2022
What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You | Weekly Humorist

What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You ~ by Laura LeeLun Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. #Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The #animals

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats ~ by Clare Blackwood  HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW an...
08/11/2022
Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats | Weekly Humorist

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats ~ by Clare Blackwood HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, #dogs

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

A Millennial Metamorphosis ~ by Michelle Cohn  Not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attac...
08/11/2022
A Millennial Metamorphosis | Weekly Humorist

A Millennial Metamorphosis ~ by Michelle Cohn Not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured #hr #bugs

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You ~ by Kit Lively  We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more ...
08/11/2022
Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You | Weekly Humorist

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You ~ by Kit Lively We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess #funny #faq

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need ~ by Sophia Stio  To be completely honest with you, the idea of making mon...
08/11/2022
Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need | Weekly Humorist

Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need ~ by Sophia Stio To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last #employment

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

#DogASitcom ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games  The Pawffice, Dharma and Beg, Brooklyn K99, and more #DogASitcom on this...
08/11/2022
#DogASitcom | Weekly Humorist

#DogASitcom ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games The Pawffice, Dharma and Beg, Brooklyn K99, and more #DogASitcom on this week's trending joke game! #tv #games

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

#SweatySweets ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games  Bike & Ikes, #Smelly Ranchers, B.O. Henry, and more #SweatySweets on t...
08/11/2022
#SweatySweets | Weekly Humorist

#SweatySweets ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Bike & Ikes, #Smelly Ranchers, B.O. Henry, and more #SweatySweets on this week's trending joke game! #hot #candy

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore ~ by Bobbie Armstrong  “Hi ma’am, can you hold my #horses while I run in...
08/11/2022
I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore | Weekly Humorist

I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore ~ by Bobbie Armstrong “Hi ma’am, can you hold my #horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s #dover

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People”  An Excerpt from H...
08/11/2022
“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by...

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, #books

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

#RancidRealityShows ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games  Barf Rescue, Say Yes To The Mess, Outhouse Hunters, and more #Ra...
08/11/2022
#RancidRealityShows | Weekly Humorist

#RancidRealityShows ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Barf Rescue, Say Yes To The Mess, Outhouse Hunters, and more #RancidRealityShows on this week's trending joke game! #games

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults- Author Link ~ by   Vendor: Humorist Shop        Type:    ...
08/11/2022
The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults- Author Link

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots for Adults- Author Link ~ by Vendor: Humorist Shop
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Pinocchio Runs for Office,

Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding H...

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings ~ by Kate Antoniades  You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can tot...
08/11/2022
Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings | Weekly Humorist

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings ~ by Kate Antoniades You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face #mask on their chin. #covid

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

ATH: All Time High Cotton T-Shirt ~ by   Vendor: Fuel        Type: Shirts        Price:             19.38 - 34.38       ...
08/11/2022
ATH: All Time High Cotton T-Shirt

ATH: All Time High Cotton T-Shirt ~ by Vendor: Fuel
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Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 236 ~ by   Vendor: Weekly Humorist        Type:         Price:             7.00         ...
08/11/2022
Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 236

Weekly Humorist Magazine: Issue 236 ~ by Vendor: Weekly Humorist
Type:
Price:
7.00




CONTENTSIssue 236Level With Me…How Exactly Is The Multiverse

CONTENTSIssue 236Level With Me…How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe? by KIT LIVELY No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can't get laid. And more! Modern YOLO Alternativesby ANDY SPAINIDAHO POT...

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You ~ by Madeline Goetz  A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence Peop...
08/11/2022
What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You | Weekly Humorist

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You ~ by Madeline Goetz A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on #books

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

Ads For Products You Never Wanted ~ by Amy Currul  Winner's Rubix Cube: Did you like fidget spinners? Do you want to fee...
08/11/2022
Ads For Products You Never Wanted | Weekly Humorist

Ads For Products You Never Wanted ~ by Amy Currul Winner's Rubix Cube: Did you like fidget spinners? Do you want to feel smart without doing any work to get there? Soothe your ego with a Winner's #funny

The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity.

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Collab with the great @ellisjrosen for Weekly Humorist #kids #kid #children #toy #toys #party #birthday #birthdayparty #dinosaur #dino #trex #byo #byob #byod #parent #parenting #family #suburbs #suburban #cartoon #cartoonist #collaboration #humor #funny #tuesday #tuesdayvibes
“Watermelon Bones!”
reading time: 3 minutes A YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER'S HARD WORK AND LOVE OF FAMILY PAYS OFF WITH A MAGICAL CHRISTMAS -- well, not quite.. .. a comedic and classic tale of naughty and nice. Two questions tugged at the very soul of this eight-year-old boy leading up to Christmas in 1967: One, what would Santa bring me that magnificent morning (duuhhh)? Two, would God answer my kinky prayer and let me see my teacher's b***s? Concluding divine intervention would most prudently be invoked in a more dire circumstance, I'd settle for a Sting-Ray bike. And my folks knew I was dead serious when I demanded my letter to the North Pole be sent registered mail. I was no dummy. With a signature of receipt from the wrinkled and Parkinson's-trembling hand of old lady Claus, I'd guilt-shame the crimson fat man into forcing overtime on some non-union elf and lock it up. Just one minor detail could keep me from my Schwinn. Where did I stand on that nerve-racking list of naughty and nice? Sure, I helped mom with chores all year. And when dad worked on the station wagon, I was the bitch that ran for tools and soda. Understand the spirit of child labor laws had not yet reached our neighborhood. But even scarier? What if that poisonous rumor I heard from the sixth graders at school was true? That there was no Saint Nick and parents bought presents! Now, for the first time in my life, I had to face the possibility that Santa might be nothing more than a sweat-soaked, ex-con with Jack Daniels breath and insulin resistance. And was it any coincidence he got his jollies asking kids like me to sit on his lap at the mall? I think not. Especially when our mall was more than 300 yards from a school. Yes, if my parents were really Santa, I'd need to factor in some of the dirty tricks and hissy fits I pulled off over the past year, too. A few stood out. My mom's sister and her husband lived up the street but they separated so Aunt Katy moved in with us. I dug this set-up because she was always buying me hockey sticks and jerseys. So I saved up my lunch money and got Uncle Bill a magazine subscription. It was under "his" name but I had it mailed to "our" address. But the plan backfired. Needless to say, it came as less than marriage-saving, spiritual restoration to Aunt Katy when the first copy of "HOT BABES ON DEATH ROW" arrived. The swimsuit edition with a centerfold, too (I still have it). Strike one. The Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer incident from last year didn't help my odds, either. It's the night of my favorite holiday show and I can almost taste it because they already played the Santa on a Norelco electric razor commercial. In less than a minute I'd get my get my fix of The Misfit Toys and Rudolph's love Clarice. By the way, few know that Clarice had her name legally changed after the release of Silence of the Lambs with Hannibal Lecter in 1991. Sadly, she died of a gunshot wound during doe season the following year. But I digress. I'd see Hermey, too! That lovable elf who wanted to be a dentist. Not a good career move in Christmastown. He was bullied by the other elves but got the last laugh. When production ended in 1964, he successfully sued NBC-TV for fostering a hostile work environment. Now I could hear the heartwarming voice of Burl Ives begin to fill our den when the unthinkable happened: Mom changed the channel! She made me watch some pity-drama about rotting kids on the other side of the planet and the humble gifts they wanted for Christmas. When it was over, she asked, "Now wouldn't you like to give one of your presents to those poor souls?" In retrospect, I can assure you the response she wanted was not "Are you f**king crazy!? Those dumb-as*es should be asking Santa for discount legal representation to get out of that sh*t hole. Cutting me off from Yukon Cornelius isn't going to change that you middle-aged reincarnation of Joan Crawford!" Strrrrrrriike two. That same year my sister Lois turned 16 and was allowed to date so she invited her boyfriend Tobey to our house for Christmas Eve dinner. We've all seen this movie. She paraded this dork around my disinterested and eggnog-drunken relatives like a bull calf at a livestock auction. Mom liked him though. At least enough that he got a candy-packed, crimson and green stocking with sparkles hung on the mantle that was bigger than mine! Once the puppy lovers kicked the snow off their boots and came to the fireplace, Tobey pulled the stocking down and shoved it in his winter coat pocket. Next came the predictable fake smile and awarding my mom the obligatory hug of ingenuine thanks. On cue, I graciously took his coat, put it on the spare room couch with the others then upgraded the stocking's contents. Not with a lump of coal like some Ebenezer Scrooge starter kit, but with a couple Trojan condoms I spent a quarter on in the john of an Esso gas station. The beauty of this gag, I wagered, was that he'd be permanently confused and never ask a soul about it. Were my parents extending their blessing to him and my sister rolling in the hay? Or were they sending the message his loin swimmers were unworthy of our family gene pool? Never had much luck gambling. Tobey told his dad -- who confronted my dad. And like Yuletide magic, I was grounded, stripped of my allowance and seated uncomfortably at the very bottom of that proverbial hill shi*t rolls down. Strrrrrriike three! The batter's out. Back to 1967 and drumroll please. It was now close to 8 pm so I watched the last few minutes of a Batman episode and was shuffled off to bed. Did I actually sleep? You know, with sugarplums dancing in my head? Hell no. But I must have dozed off because the next thing I heard was my sister squealing and yelling "Oh God!" She and Tobey had broken up in the summer so it wasn't that -- you pervert. Lois was opening presents. Santa had come! I sprang out of bed like Bill Gates and Prince Andrew caught on tape at Jeffrey Epstein's house. My eyes quickly scanned the room. Nothing under the tree. Nothing by the fireplace. I even checked the garage. Nothing. Alas, my eyes accepted what my heart could not: I didn't get it. I started to cry. Dad called me over to sit on his lap in the big chair. "Son, you're old enough now to know there is no Santa Claus," he began. "Understood father," I conceded. "You were a good boy this year. You got good report cards and helped your mother and me around the house." Thinking to myself "THEN WTF!" I eked out the courage to ask why I got stiffed. Dad gently wiped a tear from my eye then put my tiny hand in his giant, warm paw and whispered, "Because you're adopted and we don't give a rat's a*s!" Just kidding. I got it! Bright purple, too! *** ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Senior on fixed-income writes to make people laugh -- and pay rent. If you can help me, please share this work with your friends and send a "dollar" to.. PayPal.Me/@brian89521959 Venmo: @Brian-Turney-10 God Bless and the Merriest of Christmas to you all!
My latest cartoon for Weekly Humorist 👻🪨
JAW-DROPPING 60'S & 70'S TV DIRT KEPT SECRET -- UNTIL NOW! I GUARANTEE YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ONE: In 1972, NBC pulled an episode of the Cosby Kids shot in a bar where Fat Albert teaches the gang how to spike cocktails with Roofies. It remains lost. Or that Porky Pig enraged feminists because he refused to wear pants on the set. Filmed only in his blue coat and bow-tie, he was in-the-raw from the spareribs down. Porky's ex-wife Petunia says he survived a 1972 plane crash in the Andes mountains but was nonetheless cannibalized by non-Jewish and non-practicing Muslim passengers. Thought you knew just about everything about the Scooby-Doo Show? Think again. Everyone's favorite hippy "Shaggy" Rogers came off as shy but was a notorious anti-Vietnam War protester and made multiple appearances on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. But that landed him at the top of President Nixon's Enemies List and a prompt termination by CBS. Shaggy now owns a cannabis dispensary and munchies bar in Denver called Rut-Ro. Brainy co-star Velma Dinkley toured with Josie and the Pussycats before becoming a five-time Jeopardy! champion. She spent the prize money on reassignment surgery as a pre-condition of employment and is now Nonbinary CEO of Derivative Securities at Goldman-Sachs in New York. Teen heartthrobs Fred Jones and Daphne Blake brought some dirty laundry to the table, too. But whispers of their love affair were bogus as Fred was gay and dating Speed Racer at the time. Daphne took some get-rich-quick money from Hugh Hefner and posed topless for Pl***oy Magazine in 1971. The predictable outrage got her canned but she quickly signed onto the Wet Lingerie Beach Volleyball Circuit and is now its director emeritus. Scooby's tragic fate shook the world! During an autograph-signing appearance in Shanghai, he was separated from his translator and wandered into the wrong part of town. In a matter of minutes our lovable Great Dane was made into a brown plate special at a Chinese restaurant owned by Chef One Hung Lo. Scooby snacks remain a popular delicacy there. Fake love affairs were always started by the networks to boost ratings. The most famous had 16-year-old Barry Williams and Florence Henderson from the Brady Bunch exchanging fluids. False. In fact, a super-kinky Greg Brady dug "much" older women and was known to lustfully pound Alice the maid in her studio trailer on lunch breaks. Sam the Butcher would go to his grave telling anyone who would listen he got Syphilis from a toilet seat. Wile E. Coyote sued Acme Products for pain and suffering in 1968. The suit claimed defective products including jet-powered roller skates, exploding tennis balls and boulder-proof parasols caused disfiguring damage to his looks and downgraded his on-screen rating from a one-bagger to coyote-ugly. But it was the Roadrunner who bowed out first. His complaints to ABC about limited dialogue (only "Beep Beep") and formulaic plot development were ignored. He became an inventor and made a fortune patenting a car horn which was bought by Plymouth. Creative differences between Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd ended their partnership in 1974. Elmer's agent Dick Dastardly demanded an episode where Mr. Fudd outwits Bugs that ends with Elmer enjoying a tasty plate of hasenpfeffer. The network declined. Elmer now owns a Maine hunting lodge & adventure camp called Wascawwy Wabbits and pitches a line of over-sized hunting caps for Bass Pro Shops. Underdog stymied villains Riff Raff and Simon Bar Sinister for years protecting Polly Purebred but his romantic advances towards her were always rejected. Broken-hearted, he moved on to voice Wally Cox as Captain Binghamton in McHale's Navy. See what I did there? Alas, a growing addiction to super energy pills led to a fatal overdose with Janis Joplin in 1970. Try as the scoundrels might, foreign spies Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale could never foil our heroes Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. At the suggestion of Dudley Do-Right, J. Edgar Hoover deported them in his final act as FBI director in 1972. They still work full-time for Fearless Leader Vladimir Putin as co-directors of the anti-west Russian Ransomware Division. Dumbo the elephant was not murdered by ivory poachers. He died of a peanut allergy. Wally Gator got fed up with Mr. Twiddle's harassment and became a technical director on Swamp People. He died of Covid-19 last month and is now a popular Gucci shoe section at Macy's in Manhattan. Finally, there's the never-before-revealed fate of Quickdraw McGraw's Mexican burrow deputy Baba Looey. In 1967, this bad-ass (sorry) and his best amigo The Frito Bandito were gunned down at a bar in Laredo watching a donkey show. And th' th' th' that's all folks! ******** About the author: Senior on fixed-income wishes to work his golden years as a writer -- not a security guard!.. So please help me make this happen and send "a dollar" to.. PayPal.Me/@brian89521959 Venmo: @Brian-Turney-10 Much obliged and God bless!!!