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The Satire Magazine. The standard in American immaturity. Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

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Congratulations! You made it! You’re an Old Person! But entering into your golden years isn’t all hard candy and unreser...
11/25/2021

Congratulations! You made it! You’re an Old Person! But entering into your golden years isn’t all hard candy and unreserved flatulence. It takes skill and finesse, training and education, to become a proper Old Person. https://amzn.to/3CRkJMZ

Fortunately, there’s a guide—not in the form of some newfangled Facebook movie, but an honest-to-God, hold-it-in-your-wrinkly-withered-hands BOOK—that’ll help you navigate the perilous and confusing new world of cootdom.

Full of nifty diagrams, illustrations, and succinctly written so you don’t forget what you’re reading partway through, How to Be an Old Person, by Brian Boone (Vulture, Great Men of Science) will tell you all you need to know about this new season of life!

Buy it Today!
howtobeanoldperson.com https://amzn.to/3CRkJMZ

Congratulations! You made it! You’re an Old Person! But entering into your golden years isn’t all hard candy and unreserved flatulence. It takes skill and finesse, training and education, to become a proper Old Person. https://amzn.to/3CRkJMZ

Fortunately, there’s a guide—not in the form of some newfangled Facebook movie, but an honest-to-God, hold-it-in-your-wrinkly-withered-hands BOOK—that’ll help you navigate the perilous and confusing new world of cootdom.

Full of nifty diagrams, illustrations, and succinctly written so you don’t forget what you’re reading partway through, How to Be an Old Person, by Brian Boone (Vulture, Great Men of Science) will tell you all you need to know about this new season of life!

Buy it Today!
howtobeanoldperson.com https://amzn.to/3CRkJMZ

Humorist Hangouts w/ guest Ivan Ehlers & Andy Newton On this week's live stream we welcome Ivan Ehlers and Humorist Book...
11/25/2021
Humorist Hangouts w/ guest Ivan Ehlers & Andy Newton

Humorist Hangouts w/ guest Ivan Ehlers & Andy Newton On this week's live stream we welcome Ivan Ehlers and Humorist Books editor Andy Newton. We go through the Weekly Humorist issue and #andynewton

On this week’s live stream we welcome Ivan Ehlers and Humorist Books editor Andy Newton. We go through the Weekly Humorist issue and Ivan does a quick reading of his hilarious article!

🙀 Slinging some Spider-shade? Today's  #Thanksgiving cartoon by Michael Shaw. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-wid...
11/25/2021

🙀 Slinging some Spider-shade? Today's #Thanksgiving cartoon by Michael Shaw. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-wide-load/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions⠀#cartoons #macysthanksgivingparade #garfield #spiderman

🙀 Slinging some Spider-shade? Today's #Thanksgiving cartoon by Michael Shaw. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-wide-load/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions⠀#cartoons #macysthanksgivingparade #garfield #spiderman

The Five Stages of #Sleep After Eating a #Burrito Mojado Sleep Stage 1: Reflection and Discomfort. This is a light sleep...
11/25/2021
The Five Stages of Sleep After Eating a Burrito Mojado

The Five Stages of #Sleep After Eating a #Burrito Mojado Sleep Stage 1: Reflection and Discomfort. This is a light sleep from which you are easily woken. In this stage, muscles slow, the brain #funny

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of lon…

New Listing: Dead Body Will be Removed with All Waived Inspections $309,900 Welcome #home to this modestly appointed ran...
11/24/2021
New Listing: Dead Body Will be Removed with All Waived Inspections

New Listing: Dead Body Will be Removed with All Waived Inspections $309,900



Welcome #home to this modestly appointed rancher constructed in haste post-WW II. Dark wood paneling #buying

Current owners have enjoyed this property while feeding stray cats for 20 years and do not know the age of roof.

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room #O**y Polygrip not a suitable substitut...
11/24/2021
Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room O**y

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room #O**y
Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly.

Per resident requests, in the future #funny

Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And…

#BookAFruit Do you have a copy of Old Man and the Seeds? It’s #BookAFruit on this week’s trending joke game! Here are so...
11/24/2021
#BookAFruit

#BookAFruit Do you have a copy of Old Man and the Seeds? It’s #BookAFruit on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play #books

War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week’s trending joke game!

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured! Hey Derek! It’s me, Mikey, the nerd you always pick on. Stop looking around the b...
11/24/2021
In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured! Hey Derek! It’s me, Mikey, the nerd you always pick on. Stop looking around the basketball court, turd, and look up to the sky. That’s me, floating #bully

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons…

#Pandemic Looks for #Fashion Week This Snuggie will take you seamlessly from living room to kitchen and back again.--- S...
11/24/2021
Pandemic Looks for Fashion Week

#Pandemic Looks for #Fashion Week This Snuggie will take you seamlessly from living room to kitchen and back again.

---
Still only wearing 2 masks? Be #sexy and safe by layering as many #clothes

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.

Welcome to the #Zuckerberg Mansion Audio #Tour Hello, I’m Morgan Freeman, a late actor who achieved prominence for portr...
11/23/2021
Welcome to the Zuckerberg Mansion Audio Tour

Welcome to the #Zuckerberg Mansion Audio #Tour Hello, I’m Morgan Freeman, a late actor who achieved prominence for portraying God and other characters before the collapse of the United States of #ca

You may have noticed you’re being followed. Don’t panic. The fully realized T-800 behind you was originally intended to guard the estate. Instead, Mr. Zuckerberg programmed the killing machine to b…

National Park Safety Rules for Gen-Z Have you seen the greatest minds of your generation destroyed by social isolation, ...
11/23/2021
National Park Safety Rules for Gen-Z

National Park Safety Rules for Gen-Z Have you seen the greatest minds of your generation destroyed by social isolation, starving, hysterical for entertainment, driving themselves to a #fashion

Record Tik Tok Dances Only at our Designated Locations: While we are grateful of our youths eagerness to publicize (for free) the beauty of mountains, prairies and oceans – please be advised …

I’m Your Computer #Keyboard And I’m Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me Stop right there!I hear you opening yet anot...
11/23/2021
I’m Your Computer Keyboard And I’m Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

I’m Your Computer #Keyboard And I’m Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me Stop right there!

I hear you opening yet another bag of cool ranch Doritos, and before you do, I have #coffee

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly…

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” The Unbelievable New Spread for Conspiracy, Disease, and MoreGoverning yo...
11/23/2021
Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” The Unbelievable New Spread for Conspiracy, Disease, and More
Governing your district or state should provide a delicious all-powerful #funny

With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say …

Some Blunt Feedback from Your Therapist’s #Cat During #Telehealth 2020 Dear Client, I hope that you are faring alright d...
11/22/2021
Some Blunt Feedback from Your Therapist’s Cat During Telehealth 2020

Some Blunt Feedback from Your Therapist’s #Cat During #Telehealth 2020 Dear Client,



I hope that you are faring alright during this difficult time, though I know from observing your #doctor

When you find yourself saying to Ryan, “I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before,” take a deep breath and understand that you have. You have mentioned that you have “a weird thing about vomit” as…

🖼What would become to be known as the lowest point. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/ca...
11/22/2021

🖼What would become to be known as the lowest point. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-shock-shlock/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions⠀#cartoons #art #modernart #artgallery

🖼What would become to be known as the lowest point. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-shock-shlock/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions⠀#cartoons #art #modernart #artgallery

The Florin District School Board Update Here at the Florin District School Board we have been continuing to listen to th...
11/22/2021
The Florin District School Board Update

The Florin District School Board Update Here at the Florin District School Board we have been continuing to listen to the concerns of teachers, parents, and students.

We know that last year’s

Miracle Max’s COVID treatment has recently been approved for children 12 years and older. In addition to being safe and effective, his treatment has a chocolate coating which is not only delicious,…

#Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.D...
11/22/2021
Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend

#Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend
Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.

Disinfecting my dogs' ni**le piercings.

Perfecting my online

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs p**n tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People”  An Excerpt from H...
11/22/2021
“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by...

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, #books

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from t…

Brood X #Cicada or Frat Boy on Break? “Now billions of cicadas, from a group known as Brood X, are expected to emerge in...
11/21/2021
Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

Brood X #Cicada or Frat Boy on Break? “Now billions of cicadas, from a group known as Brood X, are expected to emerge in the next few weeks.”--New York Times

They break out of #covid

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

#WeedABreakfast Wake and baked! Time for some Cinnamon Toasted Crunch! It’s #WeedABreakfast on this week’s trending joke...
11/21/2021
#WeedABreakfast

#WeedABreakfast Wake and baked! Time for some Cinnamon Toasted Crunch! It’s #WeedABreakfast on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on @HashtagRoundUp powered by #breakfast

English Puffins, Baked Eggs, Pot Tarts, and more #WeedABreakfast on this week’s trending joke game!

What Your Animal #Tattoo Says About You Bald eagle: You know too much about flag etiquette. Jellyfish: You often try to ...
11/21/2021
What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You

What Your Animal #Tattoo Says About You Bald eagle: You know too much about flag etiquette.

Jellyfish: You often try to manipulate people, but they see right through you.

Snail: You #animals

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more su…

I’m the 47-Pound #Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I’ve Decided to Stay Home This Year Dear ...
11/21/2021
I’m the 47-Pound Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I’ve Decided to Stay Home This Year

I’m the 47-Pound #Raccoon That Goes Through Your Trash Every Thanksgiving, and I’ve Decided to Stay Home This Year
Dear Aunt Marissa,

I want you to know that this was not a decision #family

I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to …

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things Dads are notoriously impossible to shop for. How can ...
11/21/2021
A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things Dads are notoriously impossible to shop for. How can you show #Dad you appreciate him without making him feel like #father

A nicer and louder lawnmower than that as***le Frank has. Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on. A blacksmithing forge. And more!

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as #Mayor of...
11/20/2021
Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as #Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze “Texas mayor tells #funny

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to…

How To Act #Normal #art #funny
11/20/2021
How To Act Normal

How To Act #Normal #art #funny

Small talk with strangers, gifts, and polite interaction. Who remembers how?? This illustrated guide by Jake Goldwasser will help.

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating m...
11/20/2021
A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch.

Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I #work on #covid #wfh

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship When they brought in the hawks, I said nothing.When they ...
11/20/2021
Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship When they brought in the hawks, I said nothing.

When they told me I’d be working alongside snakes, I was silent. #gop #humor

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, a…

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My latest cartoon for Weekly Humorist 👻🪨
JAW-DROPPING 60'S & 70'S TV DIRT KEPT SECRET -- UNTIL NOW! I GUARANTEE YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ONE: In 1972, NBC pulled an episode of the Cosby Kids shot in a bar where Fat Albert teaches the gang how to spike cocktails with Roofies. It remains lost. Or that Porky Pig enraged feminists because he refused to wear pants on the set. Filmed only in his blue coat and bow-tie, he was in-the-raw from the spareribs down. Porky's ex-wife Petunia says he survived a 1972 plane crash in the Andes mountains but was nonetheless cannibalized by non-Jewish and non-practicing Muslim passengers. Thought you knew just about everything about the Scooby-Doo Show? Think again. Everyone's favorite hippy "Shaggy" Rogers came off as shy but was a notorious anti-Vietnam War protester and made multiple appearances on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. But that landed him at the top of President Nixon's Enemies List and a prompt termination by CBS. Shaggy now owns a cannabis dispensary and munchies bar in Denver called Rut-Ro. Brainy co-star Velma Dinkley toured with Josie and the Pussycats before becoming a five-time Jeopardy! champion. She spent the prize money on reassignment surgery as a pre-condition of employment and is now Nonbinary CEO of Derivative Securities at Goldman-Sachs in New York. Teen heartthrobs Fred Jones and Daphne Blake brought some dirty laundry to the table, too. But whispers of their love affair were bogus as Fred was gay and dating Speed Racer at the time. Daphne took some get-rich-quick money from Hugh Hefner and posed topless for Pl***oy Magazine in 1971. The predictable outrage got her canned but she quickly signed onto the Wet Lingerie Beach Volleyball Circuit and is now its director emeritus. Scooby's tragic fate shook the world! During an autograph-signing appearance in Shanghai, he was separated from his translator and wandered into the wrong part of town. In a matter of minutes our lovable Great Dane was made into a brown plate special at a Chinese restaurant owned by Chef One Hung Lo. Scooby snacks remain a popular delicacy there. Fake love affairs were always started by the networks to boost ratings. The most famous had 16-year-old Barry Williams and Florence Henderson from the Brady Bunch exchanging fluids. False. In fact, a super-kinky Greg Brady dug "much" older women and was known to lustfully pound Alice the maid in her studio trailer on lunch breaks. Sam the Butcher would go to his grave telling anyone who would listen he got Syphilis from a toilet seat. Wile E. Coyote sued Acme Products for pain and suffering in 1968. The suit claimed defective products including jet-powered roller skates, exploding tennis balls and boulder-proof parasols caused disfiguring damage to his looks and downgraded his on-screen rating from a one-bagger to coyote-ugly. But it was the Roadrunner who bowed out first. His complaints to ABC about limited dialogue (only "Beep Beep") and formulaic plot development were ignored. He became an inventor and made a fortune patenting a car horn which was bought by Plymouth. Creative differences between Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd ended their partnership in 1974. Elmer's agent Dick Dastardly demanded an episode where Mr. Fudd outwits Bugs that ends with Elmer enjoying a tasty plate of hasenpfeffer. The network declined. Elmer now owns a Maine hunting lodge & adventure camp called Wascawwy Wabbits and pitches a line of over-sized hunting caps for Bass Pro Shops. Underdog stymied villains Riff Raff and Simon Bar Sinister for years protecting Polly Purebred but his romantic advances towards her were always rejected. Broken-hearted, he moved on to voice Wally Cox as Captain Binghamton in McHale's Navy. See what I did there? Alas, a growing addiction to super energy pills led to a fatal overdose with Janis Joplin in 1970. Try as the scoundrels might, foreign spies Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale could never foil our heroes Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. At the suggestion of Dudley Do-Right, J. Edgar Hoover deported them in his final act as FBI director in 1972. They still work full-time for Fearless Leader Vladimir Putin as co-directors of the anti-west Russian Ransomware Division. Dumbo the elephant was not murdered by ivory poachers. He died of a peanut allergy. Wally Gator got fed up with Mr. Twiddle's harassment and became a technical director on Swamp People. He died of Covid-19 last month and is now a popular Gucci shoe section at Macy's in Manhattan. Finally, there's the never-before-revealed fate of Quickdraw McGraw's Mexican burrow deputy Baba Looey. In 1967, this bad-ass (sorry) and his best amigo The Frito Bandito were gunned down at a bar in Laredo watching a donkey show. And th' th' th' that's all folks! ******** About the author: Senior on fixed-income wishes to work his golden years as a writer -- not a security guard!.. So please help me make this happen and send "a dollar" to.. PayPal.Me/@brian89521959 Venmo: @Brian-Turney-10 Much obliged and God bless!!!
.. the funniest 3-minute-read you will never forget.. HOMER SIMPSON HEARTBROKEN AFTER CHEATING MARGE ADMITS STEWIE GRIFFIN IS HER BASTARD SON! .. featuring Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad, The Jetsons, Flintstones, Popeye and Betty Boop.. *** FOX TV HQ *** America has but one question now: Who is the baby daddy? Raging gossip is zeroed in on part-time pilot and full-time sexual deviant Glenn "Giggety" Quagmire and disgraced deli owner Cleveland Brown. This according to Quahog 5 TV reporters Tom Tucker and Tricia Takanawa. Neither Fuzzy Door nor Gracie Films would confirm the allegation by the time this report went to press. But we do know how it all began. While filming the aborted crossover episode in 2001, production halted when Homer was hospitalized with job-related radiation sickness. "Marge suddenly had a lot of free time on her hands," disclosed an anonymous source believed to be Apu Nahasapeemapetilon."Night after night the blue-haired slt was deep-throating cocktails at Moe's Tavern with those two creeps plus Krusty the Clown, Ned Flanders and Snot. Rupert brought the co***ne. Even that neo-Nazi goldfish Klaus and low-budget Yoda Ricky Spanish joined in getting the skank liquor'd up." But how could she screw up and get pregnant,? we asked. "Marge never had to worry about that," continued the insider. "Her besty Edna Krabappel shop-lifted a lifetime supply of birth control pills from some buck-toothed pharmacist named Mort. And they weren't just for her. She was doling them out to Consuela, Hayley Smith and Duffman, too." Duffman,? we questioned. "Yeah, Duff was struggling with gender identity like Anderson Cooper at high school cheerleader tryouts. Then after 'last call' they'd all head to old man Pewterschmidt's pool for an 'adult swim.'" Wait. Surely Lois Griffin doesn't think the stork brought Stewie? "Marge took care of that, too. She paid Peter Griffin a bribe to have his buddy Stan Smith inject Lois with a CIA drug that made her think she carried the baby full-term." So then Peter is a suspect? "Good guess but no. After Meg was born, Ernie the Giant Chicken tore his balls off in a fight scene that lasted even longer than they usually do." Dirty little secrets from the Silver Screen date back to the Golden Age. It started with Popeye in 1933. Betty Boop took a h***y lusting to his spinach-built abs and gave him a bit-part on her show. But a jealous Olive Oyl kept making moonshine-induced appearances on the set. So Betty paid a B movie thug named Bluto to seduce her then tipped off the press to the affair. "RAZOR-THIN FLAPPER W***E TWO-TIMES HER SAILOR MAN" screamed the New York Times. Body-shamed by the episode, Olive quit acting and went to work in a Bulimia clinic which would never be frequented by Amy Schumer. By far the ugliest Showbiz episode unfolded in 1965 during a feud between the Flintstones and Jetsons. Fred's salary was only half that of George's and he always bi***ed about it to the news hounds. "Look at my car," he'd vent. "In the winter I lose toes to frostbite. In in the summer I hit rain puddles and get a butt-flush! But dandy George drives a bubble car that freakin' flies! That's Bronto s**t!" The heated rivalry nearly exploded into violence during the shooting of Viva Rock Vegas. Barney Rubble was arrested for getting 15-year-old Judy Jetson drunk and taking her across state lines for purposes of prostitution. A furious wife Jane retaliated by releasing n**e photos of Betty during her vaudeville days as a struggling actress with a heroine addiction. ABC went into damage control and was quick to spin the episode claiming Judy had overdosed on pills mistakenly given to her from their maid Rosie the Robot and Barney just missed his exit driving her to the Bedrock emergency room. Obviously, there are multiple persons of interest in this sleazy mystery. Just last year Brian Griffin was acquitted of r**e charges filed by Santa's Little Helper. The exoneration angered many who recalled his conviction as a minor for breaking into Dora The Explorer's bedroom window. There's a possible revenge motive in play here, too. Groundskeeper Willie is said to have made threats against Marge's sisters Patty and Selma Bouvier after they cut off Friday night threesomes and gave him lung cancer from second hand smoke. . This whole sordid affair has left us all itchy and scratchy. But until Marge fesses up, betting on the father is like guessing which tooth on a buzz saw hits the board first. Homer's lawyer Lionel Hutz refuses to return our phone calls but issued a one-word press release: "D'oh!" *** ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Senior on a fixed-income wishes to work golden years as a writer -- not a security guard!.. So thank me for this and send a buck to.. PayPal.Me/@brian89521959 Venmo: @Brian-Turney-10 Much obliged and God Bless!!!
COMIC LOVERS FURIOUS OVER MORE WOKE CHANGES TO COME FOR SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, THE GREEN LANTERN, BATMAN AND THE FLASH!!! .. a conservative comedy piece .. **MANHATTAN** Madness! Today we learn the Woke writers of DC Comics have even blasphemed Superman's "origin" story! Hard-working, wholesome and God-fearing farmers Jonathan and Martha Kent have been written out. Why? The editors say it's because hard work offends their prized millennial readers who also gag at that repulsive concept of morality. Instead, the bastardized version begins with a persecuted Haitian couple and their newborn child in dire straits. They spend their last two bucks on a rickety dinghy and row across the ocean to the coast of Panama. Trekking north with their migrant caravan through the viper-infested jungles of South America into Mexico, they finally reach the Rio Grande. There a Los Zetas cartel kingpin demands $10,000 for passage into Laredo. Alas, our freedom-driven duo is penniless and can't pay. So they barter the kid. Kamala Harris is touched by their plight and awards them a cannabis farm in a Muslim area of Detroit known as Smallville. It is there the rocket from Krypton crashes and the boy is adopted. Just one problem. The couple knows the toddler is too white for this neighborhood and will get bullied. So they cleverly hedge their bet and name him Clark Kal-El Mustafa Hussein Achmed Muhammad el-Ibrahim Kent. On his first birthday Rashida Tlaib is named godmother. Young Clark soon becomes aware of his powers but is careful not to be discovered. His super-cold breath is used only to re-freeze melting Arctic glaciers due to climate change. And his laser-heat vision is unleashed only to burn down businesses during peaceful protests in Portland. In the TV series pilot, we are introduced to Lois and Clark's 26-year-old, bi-sexual son Jonathan. An employee of the Daily Planet for five years now, he still lives in the basement of the Fortress of Solitude and refuses to pay rent. He further irritates his father by telling everyone the "S" on his chest stands for Sphincter. Jimmy Olsen has sympathy for the conflicted Jon and they meet at the newspaper bar for cocktails. You can guess what happens next. Before long the two are shacking nightly at a dingy Metropolis hotel recommended by Pete Buttigieg. But Jimmy's office attendance begins to suffer. Lois Lane tips off Perry white to the sleazy affair and he pulls them both into his office. Jimmy's confession is immediate: "Gee whiz chief, you'd miss work too if your bum was pounded by a sc***ng made of steel every night!" The disgusted editor then angrily stares down our hero and demands an explanation. Superman is indifferent and asks, "Perry, does this blue Speedo make my butt look big?" Superman's virtue isn't the only one vandalized by the Woke. Yes, our beloved Wonder Woman's history gets smeared, too. Princess Diana's Lasso of Truth is no longer used to bust lying bad guys. Instead, it's wrapped around white men over age 65 to to coerce confessions of racism. The guilty are forced to surrender their property in the spirit of reparations and forbidden to watch Fox News. A freshly-minted member of the No-Justice League is bound to anger purists, as well: Transman. This nonbinary warrior scours red states to ensure new malls and schools are built with gender-neutral rest rooms. It also fights the evil forces of domestic-terrorist parents who rebel against CRT and don't want their teenage girls playing soccer against men with five o'clock shadows. Well, at least they left the Green Lantern alone, right? Ummmm, no. A CNN anchor by day, he explodes into the pitch blackness of night and uses his Power Ring to seal the butts of methane-farting cows. The bovine are then loaded onto electric planes and flown to India where they live out their lives unbutchered. Unique to this version is that Hal Jordan must hide his true identity from girlfriend Carol Ferris because she is a champion of the Defund the Galactic Police movement. Where does the insanity stop? Will Batman and Robin trade in the '66 GTO Batmobile for an armor-plated Mazda Miata? Should we expect Barry Allen to don a scarlet trench coat and become The Flasher? We can only pray the Woke go back to sleep. But if not, there's still hope. After all, any generation that munches on Tide Pods and chugs them down with Mentos and Diet Coke is bound to jump on the latest internet craze: A government-paid-for, medically induced coma. ***> About the author: Senior citizen on fixed-income wishes to work golden years as a writer -- not a security guard!.. If you can, please "share" and send a dollar to ... PayPal.Me/@brian89521959 Venmo: @Brian-Turney-10 Much obliged..