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The Satire Magazine. The standard in American immaturity. Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

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Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross ~ by ROBERT CRISS
09/11/2020
Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross ~ by ROBERT CRISS

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayingsby KATE ANTONIADESYou can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally ...
09/10/2020
Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings
by KATE ANTONIADES
You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face mask on their chin.

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face mask on their chin.

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teethby AMANDA BRENNAN
09/10/2020
When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth
by AMANDA BRENNAN

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity.

Yuck Dynasty, Dancing With The Sars, Skin Hoarders, and more #RottenRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!
09/10/2020
#RottenRealityShows

Yuck Dynasty, Dancing With The Sars, Skin Hoarders, and more #RottenRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

Yuck Dynasty, Dancing With The Sars, Skin Hoarders, and more #RottenRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attackby JASON GARRAMONEIs this just the latest in a long string of vam...
09/10/2020
Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack
by JASON GARRAMONE
Is this just the latest in a long string of vampire attacks? Yes. Have I done anything to quell such attacks from continuing to happen? No, and I don’t plan on it. As a matter of personal integrity, I try to make my siding with the vampires abundantly clear.

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I in...

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Timesby KIT LIVELYA Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Litt...
09/10/2020
Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times
by KIT LIVELY
A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwichesby ADAM DIETZDylan Miller: I couldn’t stop thinking abo...
09/10/2020
An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches
by ADAM DIETZ

Dylan Miller: I couldn’t stop thinking about deli sandwiches.

Richie “Moose” McKinley: He threw up a lot on that drive home, but I’d say it was worth it.

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match.

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!by GRACIE BEAVER-KAIRISSmall town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while prote...
09/10/2020
Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!
by GRACIE BEAVER-KAIRIS
Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harv...

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Womanby GRACE BAHLERQUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the ...
09/09/2020
Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman
by GRACE BAHLER
QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemicby THOMAS WYKESIncluding 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at le...
09/09/2020
How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic
by THOMAS WYKES
Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Seasonby JUSTIN CANNON and MICHAEL LEONETTIPhiladelphia Knowing that they are scien...
09/09/2020
Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season
by JUSTIN CANNON and MICHAEL LEONETTI
Philadelphia

Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles.
https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/bold-predictions-for-the-2020-21-nfl-season/

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp by JASON GARRAMONEW...
09/09/2020
Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp by JASON GARRAMONE

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.”

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. I...

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menuby KIT LIVELYBuffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad...
09/07/2020
President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu
by KIT LIVELY
Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken
Potato salad with Russian dressing
Dictator tots
North Korean BBQ ribs

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad with Russian dressing Dictator tots North Korean BBQ ribs Warm lemonade Collusion-slaw A Werther’s Original candy that Ivanka has been wearing in her underpants for a week

The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke g...
09/04/2020
#NauseatingNovels

The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke game!

The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke game!

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?by LIBBY MARSHALLWhy...
09/04/2020
What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?
by LIBBY MARSHALL
Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spider-man air hockey table?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table? No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in

Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?by EMILY FLAKEWe could rotate out who watches the kids whil...
09/03/2020
Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?

Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?
by EMILY FLAKE
We could rotate out who watches the kids while the rest of us ménage it up in the rec room. We could watch each other bone. We could wait until the kids are all asleep and throw ourselves a proper orgy.

There’s any number of configurations this could take. It’s gonna be a long summer – we could rotate out who watches the kids while the rest of us ménage it up in the rec room. We could watch each other bone. We could wait until the kids are all asleep and throw ourselves a proper orgy. The po...

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouseb...
09/03/2020
I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse

I Wish to Apologize for our Class’ “Zoombomber” and his Pedestrian Contributions to our Discussion of To the Lighthouse
by JACOB KAPLAN
This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements ~by MICHAEL BLEICHER & ANDY NEWTONWhen Henry Ackerman was struck by an UberB...
09/03/2020
Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements ~by MICHAEL BLEICHER & ANDY NEWTON
When Henry Ackerman was struck by an UberBLACK, he could only think of two things: Sasha Krauz, his girlfriend of three years, and Oscar, the healthcare startup founded by Joshua Kushner in which he had recently invested

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist p

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[email protected] "Life Is A Beautiful Imperfect Dream" Hey everybody, it's Paulie, I was over at a friend's house last night playing cards, he has a talking dog, a big dog like an Irish setter but his hair is all fluffy like, very plush, and he is light brown in color and he has the nicest dog breath, it smells like my wife's beef casserole, he's the nicest dog you'd ever meet, he speaks in such a polite manner you just want to cry and cuddle him and not let go, he asked me how my life was, if I was happy being a human, if I had any unfulfilled goals, my likes and dislikes, anyway, I was talking to the dog and trying to shuffle the cards at the same time, I was getting the cards wrong side up and was sorting them out when the dog said his master was shooting me a dirty look, "He's so impatient and he angers easily" the dog said, I replied "Like when you sh*t on the patio?", the dog said "Yeah, just like that", I commiserated with the dog and said "It's no big deal, they only have to get a dustpan and sweep it up", the dog said "Tell me about it, when you gotta go, you just want to go", I asked the dog if they ever punish him and he told me they were always threatening him with jail, "The kennel?" I asked, he said "Yeah", I said that the kennel must be a very harsh place for such a nice well-mannered dog as he, the dog replied "It's horrifying", so I asked about the conditions, what it is like being incarcerated at such a place, I asked "Do they have pictures of runaway dogs on the walls", "Are there humans there also, like small time flea and tick men, annoying duck call salesmen, cross eyed groomers?", I sensed fear and angst in this sweet dog's big brown eyes, a small tear ran down his fluffy brown face, he said he felt like he could come to love me like a brother, he said I understood him and he sensed I was one of his own, anyway, we talked and laughed all through the night, it turns out he has won awards for his exceptional grammar skills, I may see if he will collaborate with me on my writing as I flunked both grammar and English Lit in school, the dog said my primary problem was just nerves, he said if I would only relax, writing would be as easy as scratching fleas while rolling around on a dead skunk, well, I think I met my new best friend, I would love for him to be my new phone pal but he can't work the keypad, I guess all our friends have their shortcomings, there is no perfect thing in this world, that's how it was designed, perfection lacks life and luster, a perfect person or a perfect dog would be no more than a lifeless robot, so I pour out a large martini and I toast an imperfect world and all it has given me, shalom everybody, shalom...
Humor about help wanted ads
The Trump Michaels are especially good
POPE PROPOSES RADICAL NEW CHURCH STRUCTURE Pope Francis, the Bishop of Rome, decreed today that henceforth, all new Catholic Churches must be built on the model of the Sedlec Ossuary or "Church of Bones," a small Roman Catholic Chapel in the Czech Republic. It uses 70,000 human skeletons as decorations. Francis said, “There is little space left in most cemeteries, and really, it’s being wasted. People will be overjoyed that their skeletons will be used to build houses of worship. What better way to express one’s devotion to the Church? Think about it. You can go to mass and actually see your grandmother and your grandfather supporting our cause. Pope Francis is the first Jesuit Pope and the first Pope from the Americas. When elected, conservative cardinals and bishops were worried about his progressive ideas. Cardinal Richelieu from Canada was heard to murmur, “This guy is dangerous. We might have to take him out like we did with John.” SHARE POST WITH YOUR FRIENDS. ENCOURAGE A SMILE. BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY!🙂 For more political satire Please join & like us at: https://www.facebook.com/fakenewsisreal/
If you all find this funny feel free to share it
Thank you for the invite.
A ray of light. Thanks all.