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Weekly Humorist The Standard In American Immaturity! The best in satire, cartoons, pop culture, lists and humor fiction. Check out our comedy events and digital magazine!

The Satire Magazine. The standard in American immaturity. Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

😯🤖New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests ~ by Rachel KellerBleed for me.  Describe the cold metal taste of your own blo...
07/29/2019
New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests

😯🤖New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests ~ by Rachel Keller
Bleed for me. Describe the cold metal taste of your own blood and think about who you have wronged.

Here’s a photo of your family. Click on the people you no longer talk to. Then click on the people who have asked to borrow money.

🐠🍣When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney) ~ by Dan Capr...
07/29/2019
When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

🐠🍣When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney) ~ by Dan Caprera
perhaps you dream that you will visit your local aquarium. Or that you’ll eat a plate of delicious sashimi-grade ahi tuna.

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. …

🤔😬Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain ~ by Kate Herzlinis she still thinking about that weird thing you sa...
07/29/2019
Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

🤔😬Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain ~ by Kate Herzlin
is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ag…

☀️👝Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips ~ by Kit LivelyDon’t attempt to combine your picnic with your annual Megadet...
07/29/2019
Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

☀️👝Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips ~ by Kit Lively
Don’t attempt to combine your picnic with your annual Megadeth fan club meeting, for example.

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”? That same rule should be applied to picnics. Pants, however, are completely optio…

🐙🔨These suck. Today’s cartoon by Madeline Horwath  #cartoons #art #octopus #VenusdeMilo
07/29/2019

🐙🔨These suck. Today’s cartoon by Madeline Horwath #cartoons #art #octopus #VenusdeMilo

Multiple Professional Personality Disorder. Cartoon by Ellis Rosen
07/28/2019

Multiple Professional Personality Disorder. Cartoon by Ellis Rosen

📝🍌To Whoever Finds This Note ~ by AJ DiCosimoOne time I saw a raccoon carrying an old Doritos bag down the street.
07/27/2019
To Whoever Finds This Note

📝🍌To Whoever Finds This Note ~ by AJ DiCosimo

One time I saw a raccoon carrying an old Doritos bag down the street.

I’m sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don’t have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazook…

🤡💣WORLD WAR C ~ by Johnny WrightWhen the clowns attacked Alaskan Way just before noon, the manager Tom pulled the ...
07/27/2019
WORLD WAR C

🤡💣WORLD WAR C ~ by Johnny Wright

When the clowns attacked Alaskan Way just before noon, the manager Tom pulled the rolling metal gate closed in a panic, leaving twenty or so poor souls outside to face the clowns.

It’s is difficult to remember the small events that preceded the Clown War. Now 2021, two years since war was declared, the events of the autumn of 2016 feel the same as Vietnam and Watergate. I a…

👨‍💻🎉Alliterative Day-of-the-Week Themes to Boost Morale at Your Startup ~ by Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton...
07/27/2019
Alliterative Day-of-the-Week Themes to Boost Morale at Your Startup

👨‍💻🎉Alliterative Day-of-the-Week Themes to Boost Morale at Your Startup ~ by Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton

Work Till Seven Wednesdays: Okay, seriously, we gotta buckle down if we want to be in beta by Friday.

  Mole Mondays Nope, not the cute little furry critter! Though, we should think about getting one of those as a pet for the office. Steve—No, right, Steph—start a thread on Slack, will ya? No,…

📆📰Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times ~ by Bridget FitzgeraldThat Time You Left Medieval Times Whispering,...
07/26/2019
Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times

📆📰Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times ~ by Bridget Fitzgerald

That Time You Left Medieval Times Whispering, “I Gotta Go Back… Back To The Future”

That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again That Time You Drank Again That Time When You Wore Mismatched Socks On Purpose And Were Like, “This Is Who I Am Now.” That Time All The Chill Time…

⚾️🤔Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well ~ by Bria...
07/26/2019
Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well

⚾️🤔Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well ~ by Brian Boone

2B – Player quoted famous Hamlet soliloquy in its entirety while running to second base

AB – Player saw “a bat” SB – Player “saw” a “bat” BK – Player at bat drew a blank and forgot to hit the ball! E – A score was evened that day, my friend RBI – Player …

⚖️📖Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules ~ by Caitlin KunkelYou May Not Use Gym Equipment While Reading a Nonf...
07/26/2019
Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

⚖️📖Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules ~ by Caitlin Kunkel

You May Not Use Gym Equipment While Reading a Nonfiction Book Without a Sports Bra On While Also Under the Influence

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

💻👾What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient? ~ by Melissa PelletierOk, whoa, what did you just type into the sear...
07/26/2019
What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

💻👾What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient? ~ by Melissa Pelletier

Ok, whoa, what did you just type into the search bar? “Bigfoot porn”! Wow. OK. Yeah. Welp, here I go.

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, wh…

07/26/2019
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🤤🍖Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture ~ by Kit Lively

Growing Pains, broadcast episode 5/11/83- Hollywood execs were going out on a limb (no pun intended) by introducing a new cannibal character, Boner’s French cousin from out of town.

🧥😭The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition ~ by Emily FlakeANGER: How could you be so stupid? On wha...
07/26/2019
The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition

🧥😭The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition ~ by Emily Flake

ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front?

ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front? Are you not intimately familiar with the appalling physics of your own body? You look like you’r…

🌮💰Watch Out Taco Bell Value Menu. It’s Pay Day ~ by Lauren SchweinSociety divides itself into the haves and the ...
07/26/2019
Watch Out Taco Bell Value Menu. It’s Pay Day

🌮💰Watch Out Taco Bell Value Menu. It’s Pay Day ~ by Lauren Schwein

Society divides itself into the haves and the have-nots. And once every two weeks for one glorious meal. I. F**king. Have.

But I’m not some greedy burrito tycoon. I spread the love around. If I see some choice honey eyeing my bounty I’m gonna hook her up. Because water cups are free and no one checks if you fill them w…

07/26/2019
Modern Day Mysteries for the Scooby-Doo Gang

🕵️‍♂️👻Modern Day Mysteries for the Scooby-Doo Gang ~ by Gwen Thomas

“The Mystery of Malaysian flight 370”: As the Gang’s successes begin to stack up, media pressure pushes them to take on one of the biggest mysteries of the decade.

“The Haunted Air BnB”: It’s a Sherlock crossover episode this week as the Gang heads across the pond for a star-studded Saturday morning special! Fresh off the plane, Velma beelines to a local pub …

🐷🐄The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock ~ by AJ Dicosimo"Live undercover among your ...
07/25/2019
The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock

🐷🐄The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock ~ by AJ Dicosimo

"Live undercover among your animals for about three years or so. Through a series of trials and tribulations, you will earn the trust of the patriarchs and gain power in the syndicate."

1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About halfway through your meal start speaking Italian so if anyone is eavesdropping they won’t know what you’re talking about. Exc…

07/25/2019
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😥🖐️A Sampling of the Times I Said “I’m Sorry” on My European Tour of Self Discovery ~ by Melissa Pelletier

"When an old lady threw a bucket of water off her balcony directly onto me – she must not have seen me."

07/25/2019
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👋🏡A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association ~ by Michael Ferro

"As to Your Request for Permission to Put In a “Moat Filled with Lava”: We do not allow moats or lava."

07/25/2019
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✍️👀Small Space Ads Rejected by The New Yorker ~ by James Rarus

"TOYS FOR RURAL FARMERS: Life size, plush farm animals, including llamas, cows, bulls, sheep, goats, pigs, and dogs"

07/25/2019
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🤡🎉The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns ~ by Brian Boone

"The One Who Is Clearly A Dead Hobo With Some White House Paint Splashed On His Face"

07/25/2019
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🤓🙇Ethics Training for the Galactic Empire ~ by Ben Hargrave

“I do my best to be deceitful every day. Plus, I’m 200% committed to supporting our military-industrial complex, which is also the truth.”

07/25/2019
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😍😜Is Your Dating App Match, A Bit Too Much Of A Match? Welcome to Incestry FAQ ~ by Kit Lively

"Q: Is this not the site where you can find that cute cousin that you remember from family get-togethers as a kid? Where is that site?"

🍷💀We will remember you fondly. Today's cartoon by birthday boy Lars Kenseth
07/25/2019

🍷💀We will remember you fondly. Today's cartoon by birthday boy Lars Kenseth

07/25/2019
www.weeklyhumorist.com

👀⚾️Revised Major League Baseball Team Names Under The Rule Of Its New Commissioner, A Guy Who Loves Happy Days ~ by Brian Boone

"Boston Red Fonzies
Baltimore Bird Fonzies
New York Fonzies..."

🕵️🤐Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off ~ by Gwen ThomasSeize the day! Se...
07/24/2019
Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

🕵️🤐Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off ~ by Gwen Thomas
Seize the day! Seize you, kidnap you, and take you to this musty metal box in my backyard!

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn’t find a true crime story riveting enough…

⚾️👋How to Make Baseball More Exciting ~ by Sam SperoMow the outfield mid-game and let one lucky kid sit on the mo...
07/24/2019
How to Make Baseball More Exciting

⚾️👋How to Make Baseball More Exciting ~ by Sam Spero
Mow the outfield mid-game and let one lucky kid sit on the mower, waving to the crowd.

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

✈️😭To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129 ~ by Emily FlakeI got enough for the whole plane, because as my Mommy ...
07/24/2019
To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

✈️😭To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129 ~ by Emily Flake
I got enough for the whole plane, because as my Mommy knows, my cries can be piercing enough to reach allllll the way up into first class.

It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).

🤔🤓Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy ~ by Michael Bleicher and Andy NewtonWell, we can work on Your feelings toward...
07/24/2019
Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy

🤔🤓Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy ~ by Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton
Well, we can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time.

We can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time. Have You tried listening to that podcast I recommended about letting go of the past?

📝🎓What I Think An MFA Is ~ by Connor RelyeaAn MFA is cutting your favorite part of your work because it’s “not...
07/24/2019
What I Think An MFA Is

📝🎓What I Think An MFA Is ~ by Connor Relyea
An MFA is cutting your favorite part of your work because it’s “not emotionally grounded.”

An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the “Divergent” trilogy.

📺🎤Hot New Summer TV Shows! ~ by Kit LivelyTotal Yodel!!– People love singing competition shows, eh?
07/24/2019
Hot New Summer TV Shows!

📺🎤Hot New Summer TV Shows! ~ by Kit Lively
Total Yodel!!– People love singing competition shows, eh?

Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a gro…

🙀 Trump Cats. Today’s cartoon Evan Lian.
07/24/2019

🙀 Trump Cats. Today’s cartoon Evan Lian.

😂📳 New Issue #61 of Weekly Humorist is on digital newsstands! Get an issue=>magazine.weeklyhumorist.com or a full ...
07/24/2019

😂📳 New Issue #61 of Weekly Humorist is on digital newsstands! Get an issue=>magazine.weeklyhumorist.com or a full subscription=> weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions #magazine #humor #satire

CONTENTS:
How To Succeed In Your Work Retreat Ice Breaker Games At Lake Manuwaka
by ELSA NIERENBERG

Summer Camps for the Modern Child
by ANDREW KNOTT and SHANNON CARPENTER

Ways to Refer to a Thing Someone Said Without Actually Calling it Racist
by EMMY BRETT

COMIC-CON 2019: Amended Schedule
by ROB KUTNER and SPENCER GREEN

Dr. Frankenstein And The Terrifying Trailer For The Film Version Of Cats
by DAN CAPRERA

The Bridesmaiden’s Tale
by LAUREN MANGIAFORTE

CARTOON: New Doo
by MADELINE HORWATH

CARTOON: Sippy Cup
by PAUL LANDER and DAN MCCONNELL

CARTOON: Heavenly Delivery
by DREW PANCKERI

Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller ~by Kit LivelyLet’s speculate that our current political situation were an Ag...
07/24/2019
Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller

Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller ~by Kit Lively
Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

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