Weekly Humorist

Weekly Humorist The Standard In American Immaturity! The best in satire, cartoons, pop culture, lists and humor fict The Humor Magazine. The standard in American immaturity.

Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

CARTOON: Monday The 16th ~ by Zack Rhodes The Horror! Mondays. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Monday The 16th ~ by Zack Rhodes The Horror! Mondays. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.

Cartoons CARTOON: Monday The 16th by Zack Rhodes January 13, 2023 Zack RhodesZack Rhodes is a Northern Ca based cartoonist enjoying the many jokes that life and fatherhood throw at him. Innovator of Free Art Friday in Sonoma County. Receiver of a Community Enrichment Merit award. Currently getting b...

CARTOON: Bump Day ~ by Peter Kuper   of a decision. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Bump Day ~ by Peter Kuper of a decision. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Cartoons CARTOON: Bump Day by Peter Kuper July 20, 2022 Peter KuperPeter Kuper’s cartoons appear regularly in The New Yorker, the Nation, and MAD. He is the co-founder of World War 3 Illustrated and has produced over two dozen books including Ruins which won a 2016 Eisner award and most recently, ...

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the G**s Would Buy During Pride Month ~ by Amy Currul and...
09/23/2023

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the G**s Would Buy During Pride Month ~ by Amy Currul and Cassie Soliday LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns?

Originals Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the G**s Would Buy During Pride Month by Amy Currul and Cassie Soliday June 16, 2023“Say Gay” T-Shirt Fight the fascists who fund the “Don’t Say Gay” laws by putting your money where your mouth is and giving it to us ...

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw ~ by Jeremy Hooper The show’s animated mascot is a braying d...
09/23/2023

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw ~ by Jeremy Hooper The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize

Originals Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw by Jeremy Hooper June 25, 2021“According to two people familiar with the matter, Trump had asked advisers and lawyers in early 2019 about what the Federal Communications Commission, the courts systems, and—most confusingly to ...

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie ~ by Rochelle Elana Fisher Dream   for...
09/23/2023

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie ~ by Rochelle Elana Fisher Dream for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as

Originals Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie by Rochelle Elana Fisher July 27, 2023Popular Hues for an End-Stage World These pinks on pinks on pinks create an effect that makes the shrinking middle class puke the totally wrong shade of fuchsia. Dream Co...

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People  With CPAP Machines ~ by K.E. Flann Sometime...
09/23/2023

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines ~ by K.E. Flann Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they

Best of 2022 What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines by K.E. Flann February 15, 2022We want you to know that despite how it may have looked, we’re completely fine, and even quite refreshed. We were never in danger, aside from the slight risk o...

  ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Root Beer Gloat, Dumb Raisin, Cookie Duh, and more   on today's trending joke game!...
09/23/2023

~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Root Beer Gloat, Dumb Raisin, Cookie Duh, and more on today's trending joke game!

originals by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games April 21, 2021I’ll have 2 scoops of Mocky Road! It’s on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on powered by . Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesda...

Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord ~ ...
09/23/2023

Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord ~ by Jenna Carrens 153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any

Best Of 2021 Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord by Jenna Carrens September 30, 2021[Header: Page 55] Drano is not allowed in your apartment in any capacity. My therapy practice resides in the basement of this historic...

CARTOON: Boss-o-Matic ~ by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper Microchips and salsa in the breakroom! Today's cartoon by Mat Bart...
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Boss-o-Matic ~ by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper Microchips and salsa in the breakroom! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Cartoons CARTOON: Boss-o-Matic by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper February 3, 2023 Mat Barton and Adam CooperTags: AI, chatGPT, jobs, robots, workerShare this entryShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on Google+Share on PinterestShare on LinkedinShare on TumblrShare on VkShare on RedditShare by Mail ht...

Sedona's Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star ~ by Noel Leon The only way to feel the electricity in this sacre...
09/23/2023

Sedona's Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star ~ by Noel Leon The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn't feel

Best of 2022 Sedona’s Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star by Noel Leon June 7, 2022 Enter your email to unlock this now and receive our very funny emails. Email Password If you already have a subscription log in to read the rest of this content. A subscription to Weekly Humorist is alway...

CARTOON: Globoil Warming ~ by Grant McAloon Frog blog. He's done his own research. Today's cartoon by Grant McAloon.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Globoil Warming ~ by Grant McAloon Frog blog. He's done his own research. Today's cartoon by Grant McAloon.

Cartoons CARTOON: Globoil Warming by Grant McAloon December 2, 2022 Grant McAloonAn Australian who tries their best to be creative, who, while being mostly tired from the effort, sometimes relaxes at the end of the working day by working on cartoons late into the night. Although sometimes I just wat...

CARTOON: Turtle Topper ~ by Ivan Ehlers The lengths we go for love. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Turtle Topper ~ by Ivan Ehlers The lengths we go for love. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Cartoons CARTOON: Turtle Topper by Ivan Ehlers July 28, 2023 Ivan EhlersIvan Ehlers is contributor to MAD Magazine, The New Yorker, and the continuing issue of world-wide moral decline. Tags: dating, funny, laid, love, mating, s*x, turtleShare this entryShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on Goog...

CARTOON: Trophy Wall ~ by Lynn Hsu Cat scratch pillow. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Trophy Wall ~ by Lynn Hsu Cat scratch pillow. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Cartoons CARTOON: Trophy Wall by Lynn Hsu April 29, 2022 Lynn HsuLynn Hsu is a cartoonist and writer living in Boston. She is a contributor to The New Yorker, Air Mail, Slackjaw, American Bystander, and other humor publications. www.lynnihsu.com/Tags: cats, kitten, pillow, trophyShare this entryShar...

CARTOON: Cash Clothes ~ by Bill Thomas Perfect plan. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Cash Clothes ~ by Bill Thomas Perfect plan. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

Cartoons CARTOON: Cash Clothes by Bill Thomas March 31, 2023 Bill ThomasBill Thomas ihas been a cartoonist and graphic artist for over 20 years. He attended Gannon University for biochemistry and then Edinboro university for graphics. He’s appeared worldwide in numerous publications. He loves movi...

CARTOON: Most Toxic? ~ by Lynn Hsu Not even close Gary, not even close. Today's   by Lynn Hsu.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Most Toxic? ~ by Lynn Hsu Not even close Gary, not even close. Today's by Lynn Hsu.

Cartoons CARTOON: Most Toxic? by Lynn Hsu September 30, 2022 Lynn HsuLynn Hsu is a cartoonist and writer living in Boston. She is a contributor to The New Yorker, Air Mail, Slackjaw, American Bystander, and other humor publications. www.lynnihsu.com/Tags: cartoon, family, funny, gameshow, toxicShare...

CARTOON: Size Matters ~ by Nick Downes Maybe something with stripes? Today's cartoon Nick Downes.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Size Matters ~ by Nick Downes Maybe something with stripes? Today's cartoon Nick Downes.

Cartoons CARTOON: Size Matters by Nick Downes November 11, 2022 Get Nick’s NEW BOOK! Polly Wants a Lawyer: Cartoons of Murder, Mayhem & Criminal Mischief Nick DownesNick Downes is a longtime cartoonist for The New Yorker, Pl***oy, Barron’s, National Lampoon, Punch, Private Eye, The Oldie and The...

CARTOON: Cat Tinder ~ by Nathan Cooper Nothing looking purrrfect? Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Cat Tinder ~ by Nathan Cooper Nothing looking purrrfect? Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Cartoons CARTOON: Cat Tinder by Nathan Cooper January 7, 2022 Nathan CooperNathan Cooper is a graphic designer and cartoonist whose work has appeared in publications such as MAD and Highlights Magazine. www.gocomics.com/inthesticksTags: apps, cat, cats, dating, pets, tinderShare this entryShare on F...

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook ~ by Emily Kling Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent ...
09/23/2023

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook ~ by Emily Kling Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with

Best of 2022 Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook by Emily Kling June 14, 2022Ages: 26 – 41 2 to 8 Players Contents: Gameboard, dice, tokens, Chance and Community Chest cards, play money, 12 AirBnBs, and 32 houses (none of which you will ever be able to afford). Object: The object of the...

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms ~ by Kit Lively Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nic...
09/23/2023

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms ~ by Kit Lively Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Originals Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms by Kit Lively October 21, 2022 Quickly Aggravating News-Obtuse Nationalists Questioning ANTIFA’s Necessarily Ominous Notifications Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares Quagmires Americans Needing O...

CARTOON: Pouch Slouch ~ by Jeff Hobbs Feeling ROOplaced?
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Pouch Slouch ~ by Jeff Hobbs Feeling ROOplaced?

Cartoons CARTOON: Pouch Slouch by Jeff Hobbs December 30, 2021 Jeff HobbsI’m Jeff Hobbs from Elizabeth, IN. My cartoons were originally inspired by cartoonist B. Kliban and later by Dave Coverly, Leo Cullum along with a handful of New Yorker magazine cartoonists. I started cartooning for my colleg...

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room O**y ~ by Kit Lively Mrs. Smithee, not ...
09/23/2023

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room O**y ~ by Kit Lively Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be *x

Originals Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room O**y by Kit Lively April 16, 2021 Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. Per resident requests, in the future schedule hydration / snack breaks during Wheel Of Fortune. If the plug-in air fresheners....

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children  ~ by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman  #3 McKinley Mall:...
09/23/2023

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children ~ by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman #3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this but I couldn’t put my finger

Originals Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children by Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman December 15, 2022Hey, y’all! Jill here back for another “Mommies on the Move” family blog! This blog is a must-read for all of you moms looking to get some ca-ute family holiday photos ...

CARTOON: Nosey ~ by Peter Kuper Don't sneeze. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Nosey ~ by Peter Kuper Don't sneeze. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Cartoons CARTOON: Nosey by Peter Kuper June 9, 2022 Peter KuperPeter Kuper’s cartoons appear regularly in The New Yorker, the Nation, and MAD. He is the co-founder of World War 3 Illustrated and has produced over two dozen books including Ruins which won a 2016 Eisner award and most recently, Kafk...

CARTOON: Trump Mar-a-Lago Affidavit Released ~ by Ron Hauge Peedacted. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Trump Mar-a-Lago Affidavit Released ~ by Ron Hauge Peedacted. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

Cartoons CARTOON: Trump Mar-a-Lago Affidavit Released by Ron Hauge August 26, 2022 Ron HaugeRon Hauge was a writer and producer on “The Simpsons” for fourteen years. Before that he wrote for “Seinfeld,” “The Ren & Stimpy Show,” “In Living Color” and some other shows not good enough t...

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer ~ by Ryan Uytdewilligen Interviewer: Exactly how much co***ne did you do...
09/23/2023

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer ~ by Ryan Uytdewilligen Interviewer: Exactly how much co***ne did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs *x

Best of 2022 Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer by Ryan Uytdewilligen March 8, 2022Legendary Hollywood producer Felix Bergmann will be receiving Oscar gold at the upcoming Academy Awards in the form of an honorary statue for “stereotypical 1970s batsh*t contributions to the industry.....

CARTOON: Do******ix Divorce ~ by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and ...
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Do******ix Divorce ~ by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.

Cartoons CARTOON: Do******ix Divorce by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively November 17, 2022 Ivan EhlersIvan Ehlers is contributor to MAD Magazine, The New Yorker, and the continuing issue of world-wide moral decline. Tags: cartoons, funny, s*xShare this entryShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on Google...

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly ~ by Kit Lively 1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first pres...
09/23/2023

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly ~ by Kit Lively 1939 - 40 New York World's Fair- During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is *x

Originals Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly by Kit Lively May 26, 2022 Aug 15, 1937- Inventor Kensworth Youngerton returns home from work, discouraged about the results from his latest project, a brand new dessert topping. His wife, sensing his malaise, attempts to lift his spirits wit...

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir ~ by Madeline Goetz and Chelsea Jacobson 'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancel...
09/23/2023

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir ~ by Madeline Goetz and Chelsea Jacobson 'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Originals Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir by Madeline Goetz and Chelsea Jacobson January 4, 2023Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis will release a book early next year amid speculation that he could be gearing up for a 2024 presidential campaign, CNN has learned. According to a person familiar with the...

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk ~ by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell Strife of the party. Today's   by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk ~ by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell Strife of the party. Today's by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

Cartoons CARTOON: Trunk Bunk by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell September 2, 2022 Paul LanderPaul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending, Congolese gynecologist, Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women...

CARTOON: Sharp Shark ~ by Michael Shaw Looking fin-tastic! Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Sharp Shark ~ by Michael Shaw Looking fin-tastic! Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Cartoons CARTOON: Sharp Shark by Michael Shaw August 18, 2023 Michael ShawIn true Thurber tradition, Michael toils by day as a writer and doodles in the dark. His cartoons have appeared in The New Yorker since 1999 and are widely collected through-out the free world. (With fans ranging from Alec Bal...

CARTOON: Lucky ~ by Vaughan Tomlinson Something's afoot.  Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.
09/23/2023

CARTOON: Lucky ~ by Vaughan Tomlinson Something's afoot. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Cartoons CARTOON: Lucky by Vaughan Tomlinson July 23, 2021 Vaughan TomlinsonVaughan Tomlinson Cartoonist and Illustrator, New York Prints available on Cartoon Collections:www.cartooncollections.com/search?artists=2190 Tags: animals, cartoons, FOOT, luck, rabbitShare this entryShare o...

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School  ~ by Stefania Pallotta and Ryan Lynch Pack fo...
09/22/2023

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School ~ by Stefania Pallotta and Ryan Lynch Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast,

Originals ‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,’ and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School by Stefania Pallotta and Ryan Lynch September 14, 2023 Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning pop...

An act that attracts. Today's cartoon by Chris Gural.
09/22/2023

An act that attracts. Today's cartoon by Chris Gural.

Cartoons CARTOON: Bright Side by Chris Gural September 22, 2023 Chris GuralChris is an elevator mechanic in New York and spends his free time writing and drawing cartoons. Tags: bright idea, cartoon, depression, flame, happy, idea, light, mothShare this entryShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on...

  ~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Hot Boxing, Ping B**g, Kentucky Doobie, and more   on this week's trending joke gam...
09/22/2023

~ by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games Hot Boxing, Ping B**g, Kentucky Doobie, and more on this week's trending joke game!

originals by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games August 31, 2022Check out the Very High Jump! It’s on this week’s trending joke game! Here are some of the best on powered by . Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST. Let.....

CARTOON: Sinking Summer ~ by Dan Misdea Life's a beach. Today's   by Dan Misdea.
09/22/2023

CARTOON: Sinking Summer ~ by Dan Misdea Life's a beach. Today's by Dan Misdea.

Cartoons CARTOON: Sinking Summer by Dan Misdea July 9, 2021 Dan MisdeaDan Misdea is a cartoonist from New Jersey. He’s the creator of the comic Bold Coarse Blend and author of the graphic novel The Book of Joe. You can find him on Instagram (), sharing his work and creative process. dan...

The HORROR! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.
09/22/2023

The HORROR! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Cartoons CARTOON: Killer Call by Drew Panckeri September 22, 2023 Drew PanckeriDrew Panckeri is a gag cartoonist + artist from Philadelphia. His work has appeared in The New Yorker, Mad Magazine, The Funny Times and more. When he’s not working, he can be found on his imaginary yacht hobnobbing wit...

CARTOON: Feeding Time ~ by Tyson Cole Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.
09/22/2023

CARTOON: Feeding Time ~ by Tyson Cole Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Cartoons CARTOON: Feeding Time by Tyson Cole September 23, 2022 Tyson ColeTyson Cole’s cartoons have appeared in the Funny Times, The American Bystander, Weekly Humorist, and the Cole Family Christmas Newsletter. He started cartooning in 2011 for his college newspaper and never gave it up, despite...

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them ~ by Angus Duffin Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular th...
09/22/2023

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them ~ by Angus Duffin Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A who

Originals What Your Therapist’s Couch Says About Them by Angus Duffin July 26, 2023Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. Hard wooden chair: A therapist who wants you to feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable until you find just th...

Time to order more pizza, tissues, and ice cream? Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.
09/22/2023

Time to order more pizza, tissues, and ice cream? Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

Cartoons CARTOON: Privacy Pixels by Rachelle Meyer September 22, 2023 Rachelle MeyerRachelle is an American illustrator, artist, and writer living in the Netherlands. Her cartoons and comics have appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, and The Austin Chronicle. Her artwork is distinctive in....

Address

110 Wall Street
New York, NY
10005

Opening Hours

Monday 9am - 5pm
Tuesday 9am - 5pm
Wednesday 9am - 5pm
Thursday 9am - 5pm
Friday 9am - 5pm

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Weekly Humorist posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Contact The Business

Send a message to Weekly Humorist:

Videos

Share

Category

Nearby media companies


Comments

The time is upon us… 🎃☕️ (An old cartoon for Weekly Humorist)
Cartoon by Pardis Parker and Aria Ghalili published today by the Weekly Humorist:
https://weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-no-escape/
Collab with the great for Weekly Humorist

“Watermelon Bones!”
reading time: 3 minutes

A YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER'S HARD WORK AND LOVE OF FAMILY PAYS OFF WITH A MAGICAL CHRISTMAS -- well, not quite..
. a comedic and classic tale of naughty and nice.

Two questions tugged at the very soul of this eight-year-old boy leading up to Christmas in 1967: One, what would Santa bring me that magnificent morning (duuhhh)? Two, would God answer my kinky prayer and let me see my teacher's b***s?

Concluding divine intervention would most prudently be invoked in a more dire circumstance, I'd settle for a Sting-Ray bike. And my folks knew I was dead serious when I demanded my letter to the North Pole be sent registered mail. I was no dummy. With a signature of receipt from the wrinkled and Parkinson's-trembling hand of old lady Claus, I'd guilt-shame the crimson fat man into forcing overtime on some non-union elf and lock it up. Just one minor detail could keep me from my Schwinn.

Where did I stand on that nerve-racking list of naughty and nice? Sure, I helped mom with chores all year. And when dad worked on the station wagon, I was the bitch that ran for tools and soda. Understand the spirit of child labor laws had not yet reached our neighborhood. But even scarier? What if that poisonous rumor I heard from the sixth graders at school was true? That there was no Saint Nick and parents bought presents! Now, for the first time in my life, I had to face the possibility that Santa might be nothing more than a sweat-soaked, ex-con with Jack Daniels breath and insulin resistance. And was it any coincidence he got his jollies asking kids like me to sit on his lap at the mall? I think not. Especially when our mall was more than 300 yards from a school. Yes, if my parents were really Santa, I'd need to factor in some of the dirty tricks and hissy fits I pulled off over the past year, too. A few stood out.

My mom's sister and her husband lived up the street but they separated so Aunt Katy moved in with us. I dug this set-up because she was always buying me hockey sticks and jerseys. So I saved up my lunch money and got Uncle Bill a magazine subscription. It was under "his" name but I had it mailed to "our" address. But the plan backfired. Needless to say, it came as less than marriage-saving, spiritual restoration to Aunt Katy when the first copy of "HOT BABES ON DEATH ROW" arrived. The swimsuit edition with a centerfold, too (I still have it). Strike one.

The Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer incident from last year didn't help my odds, either. It's the night of my favorite holiday show and I can almost taste it because they already played the Santa on a Norelco electric razor commercial. In less than a minute I'd get my get my fix of The Misfit Toys and Rudolph's love Clarice. By the way, few know that Clarice had her name legally changed after the release of Silence of the Lambs with Hannibal Lecter in 1991. Sadly, she died of a gunshot wound during doe season the following year. But I digress.

I'd see Hermey, too! That lovable elf who wanted to be a dentist. Not a good career move in Christmastown. He was bullied by the other elves but got the last laugh. When production ended in 1964, he successfully sued NBC-TV for fostering a hostile work environment.

Now I could hear the heartwarming voice of Burl Ives begin to fill our den when the unthinkable happened: Mom changed the channel! She made me watch some pity-drama about rotting kids on the other side of the planet and the humble gifts they wanted for Christmas. When it was over, she asked, "Now wouldn't you like to give one of your presents to those poor souls?" In retrospect, I can assure you the response she wanted was not "Are you f**king crazy!? Those dumb-as*es should be asking Santa for discount legal representation to get out of that sh*t hole. Cutting me off from Yukon Cornelius isn't going to change that you middle-aged reincarnation of Joan Crawford!" Strrrrrrriike two.

That same year my sister Lois turned 16 and was allowed to date so she invited her boyfriend Tobey to our house for Christmas Eve dinner. We've all seen this movie. She paraded this dork around my disinterested and eggnog-drunken relatives like a bull calf at a livestock auction. Mom liked him though. At least enough that he got a candy-packed, crimson and green stocking with sparkles hung on the mantle that was bigger than mine! Once the puppy lovers kicked the snow off their boots and came to the fireplace, Tobey pulled the stocking down and shoved it in his winter coat pocket. Next came the predictable fake smile and awarding my mom the obligatory hug of ingenuine thanks. On cue, I graciously took his coat, put it on the spare room couch with the others then upgraded the stocking's contents. Not with a lump of coal like some Ebenezer Scrooge starter kit, but with a couple Trojan condoms I spent a quarter on in the john of an Esso gas station. The beauty of this gag, I wagered, was that he'd be permanently confused and never ask a soul about it. Were my parents extending their blessing to him and my sister rolling in the hay? Or were they sending the message his loin swimmers were unworthy of our family gene pool? Never had much luck gambling. Tobey told his dad -- who confronted my dad. And like Yuletide magic, I was grounded, stripped of my allowance and seated uncomfortably at the very bottom of that proverbial hill shi*t rolls down. Strrrrrriike three! The batter's out.

Back to 1967 and drumroll please. It was now close to 8 pm so I watched the last few minutes of a Batman episode and was shuffled off to bed. Did I actually sleep? You know, with sugarplums dancing in my head? Hell no. But I must have dozed off because the next thing I heard was my sister squealing and yelling "Oh God!" She and Tobey had broken up in the summer so it wasn't that -- you pervert. Lois was opening presents. Santa had come! I sprang out of bed like Bill Gates and Prince Andrew caught on tape at Jeffrey Epstein's house.

My eyes quickly scanned the room. Nothing under the tree. Nothing by the fireplace. I even checked the garage. Nothing. Alas, my eyes accepted what my heart could not: I didn't get it. I started to cry. Dad called me over to sit on his lap in the big chair. "Son, you're old enough now to know there is no Santa Claus," he began. "Understood father," I conceded. "You were a good boy this year. You got good report cards and helped your mother and me around the house." Thinking to myself "THEN WTF!" I eked out the courage to ask why I got stiffed. Dad gently wiped a tear from my eye then put my tiny hand in his giant, warm paw and whispered, "Because you're adopted and we don't give a rat's a*s!"

Just kidding. I got it! Bright purple, too!

*** ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Senior on fixed-income writes to make people laugh -- and pay rent. If you can help me, please share this work with your friends and send a "dollar" to..

PayPal.Me/

Venmo: -Turney-10

God Bless and the Merriest of Christmas to you all!
My latest cartoon for Weekly Humorist 👻🪨
JAW-DROPPING 60'S & 70'S TV DIRT KEPT SECRET -- UNTIL NOW!

I GUARANTEE YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ONE: In 1972, NBC pulled an episode of the Cosby Kids shot in a bar where Fat Albert teaches the gang how to spike cocktails with Roofies. It remains lost. Or that Porky Pig enraged feminists because he refused to wear pants on the set. Filmed only in his blue coat and bow-tie, he was in-the-raw from the spareribs down. Porky's ex-wife Petunia says he survived a 1972 plane crash in the Andes mountains but was nonetheless cannibalized by non-Jewish and non-practicing Muslim passengers.

Thought you knew just about everything about the Scooby-Doo Show? Think again. Everyone's favorite hippy "Shaggy" Rogers came off as shy but was a notorious anti-Vietnam War protester and made multiple appearances on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. But that landed him at the top of President Nixon's Enemies List and a prompt termination by CBS. Shaggy now owns a cannabis dispensary and munchies bar in Denver called Rut-Ro.

Brainy co-star Velma Dinkley toured with Josie and the Pussycats before becoming a five-time Jeopardy! champion. She spent the prize money on reassignment surgery as a pre-condition of employment and is now Nonbinary CEO of Derivative Securities at Goldman-Sachs in New York.

Teen heartthrobs Fred Jones and Daphne Blake brought some dirty laundry to the table, too. But whispers of their love affair were bogus as Fred was gay and dating Speed Racer at the time. Daphne took some get-rich-quick money from Hugh Hefner and posed topless for Pl***oy Magazine in 1971. The predictable outrage got her canned but she quickly signed onto the Wet Lingerie Beach Volleyball Circuit and is now its director emeritus.

Scooby's tragic fate shook the world! During an autograph-signing appearance in Shanghai, he was separated from his translator and wandered into the wrong part of town. In a matter of minutes our lovable Great Dane was made into a brown plate special at a Chinese restaurant owned by Chef One Hung Lo. Scooby snacks remain a popular delicacy there.

Fake love affairs were always started by the networks to boost ratings. The most famous had 16-year-old Barry Williams and Florence Henderson from the Brady Bunch exchanging fluids. False. In fact, a super-kinky Greg Brady dug "much" older women and was known to lustfully pound Alice the maid in her studio trailer on lunch breaks. Sam the Butcher would go to his grave telling anyone who would listen he got Syphilis from a toilet seat.

Wile E. Coyote sued Acme Products for pain and suffering in 1968. The suit claimed defective products including jet-powered roller skates, exploding tennis balls and boulder-proof parasols caused disfiguring damage to his looks and downgraded his on-screen rating from a one-bagger to coyote-ugly. But it was the Roadrunner who bowed out first. His complaints to ABC about limited dialogue (only "Beep Beep") and formulaic plot development were ignored. He became an inventor and made a fortune patenting a car horn which was bought by Plymouth.

Creative differences between Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd ended their partnership in 1974. Elmer's agent Dick Dastardly demanded an episode where Mr. Fudd outwits Bugs that ends with Elmer enjoying a tasty plate of hasenpfeffer. The network declined. Elmer now owns a Maine hunting lodge & adventure camp called Wascawwy Wabbits and pitches a line of over-sized hunting caps for Bass Pro Shops.

Underdog stymied villains Riff Raff and Simon Bar Sinister for years protecting Polly Purebred but his romantic advances towards her were always rejected. Broken-hearted, he moved on to voice Wally Cox as Captain Binghamton in McHale's Navy. See what I did there? Alas, a growing addiction to super energy pills led to a fatal overdose with Janis Joplin in 1970.

Try as the scoundrels might, foreign spies Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale could never foil our heroes Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. At the suggestion of Dudley Do-Right, J. Edgar Hoover deported them in his final act as FBI director in 1972. They still work full-time for Fearless Leader Vladimir Putin as co-directors of the anti-west Russian Ransomware Division.

Dumbo the elephant was not murdered by ivory poachers. He died of a peanut allergy.

Wally Gator got fed up with Mr. Twiddle's harassment and became a technical director on Swamp People. He died of Covid-19 last month and is now a popular Gucci shoe section at Macy's in Manhattan.

Finally, there's the never-before-revealed fate of Quickdraw McGraw's Mexican burrow deputy Baba Looey. In 1967, this bad-ass (sorry) and his best amigo The Frito Bandito were gunned down at a bar in Laredo watching a donkey show.

And th' th' th' that's all folks!

******** About the author: Senior on fixed-income wishes to work his golden years as a writer -- not a security guard!.. So please help me make this happen and send "a dollar" to..

PayPal.Me/

Venmo: -Turney-10

Much obliged and God bless!!!
#}