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The Satire Magazine. The standard in American immaturity. Editor-in-Chief Marty Dundics - A division of Humorist Media

Operating as usual

Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name by PAUL LANDER. 1. Killer Dill 2. Women and Children First 3. Moby ...
08/08/2021
Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name

Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name by PAUL LANDER.

1. Killer Dill 2. Women and Children First 3. Moby Dickens 4. Ted From Accounting 5. The Banana Split Infinitives 6. Four Eyed Frog 7. Prairie Lights

Moby Dickens, Ted From Accounting, The Banana Split Infinitives, and more Bookstore OR Band.

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack by JASON GARRAMONE. Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh...
08/08/2021
Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack by JASON GARRAMONE.

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks.

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I in...

I’m Sorry, but I Can’t Hold Your Horses Anymoreby BOBBIE ARMSTRONG. “Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into S...
08/07/2021
I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore

I’m Sorry, but I Can’t Hold Your Horses Anymore
by BOBBIE ARMSTRONG.

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?”

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattende...

Obituary: Film Critic’s Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc by GREGORY VIRGIN. Internet movie critic Robert "Bob" Umeck...
08/07/2021
Obituary: Film Critic's Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc

Obituary: Film Critic’s Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc by GREGORY VIRGIN.

Internet movie critic Robert "Bob" Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79.

Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adeq...

Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend by KIT LIVELY. Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in ...
08/07/2021
Chores That I Absolutely Won't Get To This Weekend

Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend by KIT LIVELY.

Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.

Perfecting my online Xanadu fan-site.

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs p**n tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in Collegeby LOUIE CALVANOWhat happened to you? The Republican Party I kne...
08/06/2021
This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College
by LOUIE CALVANO

What happened to you? The Republican Party I knew and shared in*******se with in college was responsible, rational and, I’ll admit it, even charming. I liked that you were conservative. It made me feel safe. But I look at you now and I’m like, God, I can’t believe I let THAT lick my ni***es.

I imagine if we tried to get intimate these days, you’d get all bristly and say, “So, I suppose you want me to GIVE you an or**sm? You want me to just GIVE you one? Everybody wants a handout!”

The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle Statesby ERIC FARWELLWe’ve skated ...
08/06/2021
The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States

The College has Hired a Ragtag Group of Academic Con Artists to Ensure we Pass Middle States
by ERIC FARWELL

We’ve skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can’t afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States.

We've skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can't afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States.

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg by TERESA DOUGLAS and ROCHELLE ELANA FISHERHello! My name is Elder Zuckerb...
08/06/2021
Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg
by TERESA DOUGLAS and ROCHELLE ELANA FISHER

Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation.

Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought...

✏☕Newly sharpened pencils, erasers, and coffee mugs. Today's cartoon by Hilary Allison. Support Satire! Buy a subscripti...
08/06/2021

✏☕Newly sharpened pencils, erasers, and coffee mugs. Today's cartoon by Hilary Allison. Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions #cartoon #back2school

✏☕Newly sharpened pencils, erasers, and coffee mugs. Today's cartoon by Hilary Allison. Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions #cartoon #back2school

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror by Kit Lively.The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel...
08/05/2021
Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror by Kit Lively.

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity.

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn't use a rest fro

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office! by Brett Miller and Illustrator Ophelia Duchesne-Malone.Since it’s bee...
08/05/2021
Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office!

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office! by Brett Miller and Illustrator Ophelia Duchesne-Malone.

Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags.

Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags. You’ll get one to use throughout the year, so make sure you take care of it. Please write your name, blood type, and emergency contact information on it. Don’t be afraid to get cre...

#SuperheroABand by Weekly Humorist Hashtag GamesThe Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #Superhe...
08/05/2021
#SuperheroABand

#SuperheroABand by Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games

The Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #SuperheroABand on this week's trending joke game!

The Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #SuperheroABand on this week's trending joke game!

🐌Safe Travels! Hope all is shell. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-battered-...
08/05/2021

🐌Safe Travels! Hope all is shell. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-battered-baggage/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions #cartoon #puns #snails #travel #baggageclaim

🐌Safe Travels! Hope all is shell. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson. https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/cartoon-battered-baggage/ Support Satire! Buy a subscription to Weekly Humorist! https://weeklyhumorist.com/subscriptions #cartoon #puns #snails #travel #baggageclaim

Goosebumps for Reopening Citiesby SPENCER ROTH-ROSETHE HAUNTED MASK 5Aaron has been wearing a face mask for so long he f...
08/04/2021
Goosebumps for Reopening Cities

Goosebumps for Reopening Cities
by SPENCER ROTH-ROSE

THE HAUNTED MASK 5
Aaron has been wearing a face mask for so long he feels like it’s become a part of him. In fact, when he tries to remove it at home, it doesn’t seem to want to come off. It’s on too tight. Feels too secure. But he could take it off whenever he wanted…right?

GRAVE NEW WORLD: Michael’s government keeps telling him it’s safe to resume normal life, even though he sees on the news that hundreds of people are still dying every day from a highly contagious virus that has no cure. Michael’s government wouldn’t be telling him to deliberately risk his an...

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Cameraby AJ DICOSIMOBrokeback MountainSheep 1: What do you think they’re doi...
08/04/2021
Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera
by AJ DICOSIMO

Brokeback Mountain
Sheep 1: What do you think they’re doing in there?
Sheep 2: I don’t know, but it sure sounds fun.
Sheep 1: Well, whatever it is I hope they remember that they’re being paid to herd us.
Sheep 2: That’s right. Tent friendships don’t pay the bills fellas!
Sheep 1: Ha! Aint it the truth?

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I'm kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion... Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you're a small town girl from Kansas and I'm a lion, but when all this is over do you w...

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office! by BRETT MILLER and ILLUSTRATOR OPHELIA DUCHESNE-MALONEWhat a year. So...
08/04/2021
Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office!

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office!
by BRETT MILLER and ILLUSTRATOR OPHELIA DUCHESNE-MALONE

What a year. So many twists and turns, not to mention all the days away from the office. Wow! But, thankfully, things are finally starting to turn around. You’ve probably noticed that most places are opening back up. Well so are we, which is to say you. That’s right, you’re going back to the office.

Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags. You’ll get one to use throughout the year, so make sure you take care of it. Please write your name, blood type, and emergency contact information on it. Don’t be afraid to get cre...

Honest New York Signs by Evan Allgood and Evan Lian. Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, ...
08/03/2021
Honest New York Signs

Honest New York Signs by Evan Allgood and Evan Lian.

Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, and illustrated by Evan Lian.

Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, and illustrated by Evan Lian.

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet by Jane Driver. Our new Pre...
08/03/2021
Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet by Jane Driver.

Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future.

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats by Clare BlackwoodFaced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their l...
08/03/2021
Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats by Clare Blackwood

Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first.

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. Th...

Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stopby GRACE BAHLERHelp! I’ve collected all the branches from my yard and glued ...
08/02/2021
Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop
by GRACE BAHLER

Help! I’ve collected all the branches from my yard and glued them to a canvas as large as my body. I’ve also attached tiny fairy lights to the canvas and displayed the piece in my front window.

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere.

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Officeby ADAM DIETZI ask that my performance continue to be e...
08/02/2021
A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office
by ADAM DIETZ

I ask that my performance continue to be evaluated by my active online time, even if I am just moving my mouse back and forth while reading the latest James Patterson.

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)by NOLAN YARDLuxury awaits with tranquil lake view...
08/02/2021
Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)

Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)
by NOLAN YARD

Luxury awaits with tranquil lake views, alpine air, nearby mountains and patter of leaves on the sill. No, those definitely aren’t raccoons scratching their way in. Like I said, just leaves.

Breakfast is cancelled this morning on account of one of mother earth’s little darlings breaking through the vent and sneaking off with the eggs. Fret not, our renowned cabin chef will make smoothies. No, those aren’t teeth marks. Those peaches are just very tenderized. Nothing like a healthy mo...

A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate by GWEN THOMAS and TOMMY WAKEFIELD. Hey roomie! Have a s...
08/01/2021
A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate by GWEN THOMAS and TOMMY WAKEFIELD.

Hey roomie! Have a second to chat? I just wanted say I think it's super cool how you scream at the moon at night. I love that you're an artist and stuff.

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense.

Gluten-Free John Hughes Movies by NIKKI CAMPO. Planes, Trains and Autoimmune Disorders Preventing the Enjoyment of Regul...
08/01/2021
Gluten-Free John Hughes Movies

Gluten-Free John Hughes Movies by NIKKI CAMPO.

Planes, Trains and Autoimmune Disorders Preventing the Enjoyment of Regular Breads and Cakes The Great Outdoors.

Planes, Trains and Autoimmune Disorders Preventing the Enjoyment of Regular Breads and Cakes

Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum? by JENNIE EGERDIE. “I’m made of wax, Lar...
08/01/2021
Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum?

Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum? by JENNIE EGERDIE.

“I’m made of wax, Larry.”

“Bodily vigor is good, and vigor of intellect is even better, but far above both is character.” 2. “A great democracy has got to be progressive, or it will soon cease to be neither great nor a democracy.” 3. “I’m made of wax, Larry.”

Disturbing Secrets of Other Fast-Food Mascots by Kit Lively. Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to ...
07/31/2021
Disturbing Secrets of Other Fast-Food Mascots

Disturbing Secrets of Other Fast-Food Mascots by Kit Lively.

Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.

Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician” by JOSEPH THOMAS.The defense attorneyThe dermatologistThe...
07/31/2021
People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician” by JOSEPH THOMAS.

The defense attorney

The dermatologist

The plumber

The mechanic.

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office by ADAM DIETZ. No one is allowed to comment on how ear...
07/31/2021
A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office by ADAM DIETZ.

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch.

Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress.

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

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For those of you suffering from transgender fatigue.
Journalist: Noah, you have lived more than 950 years, are all of them obedient to God? Noah: No ... Journalist: Did you disobey God? Noah: Yes. Journalist: Please tell me, when did you disobey God? Noah: The day you became a prophet
[email protected] "Life Is A Beautiful Imperfect Dream" Hey everybody, it's Paulie, I was over at a friend's house last night playing cards, he has a talking dog, a big dog like an Irish setter but his hair is all fluffy like, very plush, and he is light brown in color and he has the nicest dog breath, it smells like my wife's beef casserole, he's the nicest dog you'd ever meet, he speaks in such a polite manner you just want to cry and cuddle him and not let go, he asked me how my life was, if I was happy being a human, if I had any unfulfilled goals, my likes and dislikes, anyway, I was talking to the dog and trying to shuffle the cards at the same time, I was getting the cards wrong side up and was sorting them out when the dog said his master was shooting me a dirty look, "He's so impatient and he angers easily" the dog said, I replied "Like when you s**t on the patio?", the dog said "Yeah, just like that", I commiserated with the dog and said "It's no big deal, they only have to get a dustpan and sweep it up", the dog said "Tell me about it, when you gotta go, you just want to go", I asked the dog if they ever punish him and he told me they were always threatening him with jail, "The kennel?" I asked, he said "Yeah", I said that the kennel must be a very harsh place for such a nice well-mannered dog as he, the dog replied "It's horrifying", so I asked about the conditions, what it is like being incarcerated at such a place, I asked "Do they have pictures of runaway dogs on the walls", "Are there humans there also, like small time flea and tick men, annoying duck call salesmen, cross eyed groomers?", I sensed fear and angst in this sweet dog's big brown eyes, a small tear ran down his fluffy brown face, he said he felt like he could come to love me like a brother, he said I understood him and he sensed I was one of his own, anyway, we talked and laughed all through the night, it turns out he has won awards for his exceptional grammar skills, I may see if he will collaborate with me on my writing as I flunked both grammar and English Lit in school, the dog said my primary problem was just nerves, he said if I would only relax, writing would be as easy as scratching fleas while rolling around on a dead skunk, well, I think I met my new best friend, I would love for him to be my new phone pal but he can't work the keypad, I guess all our friends have their shortcomings, there is no perfect thing in this world, that's how it was designed, perfection lacks life and luster, a perfect person or a perfect dog would be no more than a lifeless robot, so I pour out a large martini and I toast an imperfect world and all it has given me, shalom everybody, shalom...
Humor about help wanted ads
The Trump Michaels are especially good
POPE PROPOSES RADICAL NEW CHURCH STRUCTURE Pope Francis, the Bishop of Rome, decreed today that henceforth, all new Catholic Churches must be built on the model of the Sedlec Ossuary or "Church of Bones," a small Roman Catholic Chapel in the Czech Republic. It uses 70,000 human skeletons as decorations. Francis said, “There is little space left in most cemeteries, and really, it’s being wasted. People will be overjoyed that their skeletons will be used to build houses of worship. What better way to express one’s devotion to the Church? Think about it. You can go to mass and actually see your grandmother and your grandfather supporting our cause. Pope Francis is the first Jesuit Pope and the first Pope from the Americas. When elected, conservative cardinals and bishops were worried about his progressive ideas. Cardinal Richelieu from Canada was heard to murmur, “This guy is dangerous. We might have to take him out like we did with John.” SHARE POST WITH YOUR FRIENDS. ENCOURAGE A SMILE. BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY!🙂 For more political satire Please join & like us at: https://www.facebook.com/fakenewsisreal/
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A ray of light. Thanks all.