The Occasional

The Occasional Funny Or Die’s digital Humor Magazine

"Please send in a cover letter that includes the amount of money you're willing to pay to go to college, a second cover ...
10/16/2014
If College Admissions Were Like Job Listings

"Please send in a cover letter that includes the amount of money you're willing to pay to go to college, a second cover letter with your thoughts on which historical figure you would most like to meet, and a third cover letter that's the same one you send to every job."

A leading private university in the American East Coast region is seeking an entry-level student to execute its four-year undergraduate academic program. Salaries range from negative $65,000 to negative $5,000 a year, depending on experience.

Boxers or Briefs?"Boxers are not helping at all. Just put on shorts with no underwear. Briefs (when sized correctly), of...
10/16/2014
A Significant Interview with Bob Odenkirk

Boxers or Briefs?
"Boxers are not helping at all. Just put on shorts with no underwear. Briefs (when sized correctly), offer gentle support, cradling the spermal region, and trimming the waist and thighs, offering shape to the gonadonal hexagon."

The first guest for our series of extremely important and hard-hitting interviews is Bob Odenkirk, author of 'A Load of Hooey.'

“Oh sh*t,” the Lord thought, checking his phone. “There’s no way it’s 3 p.m. How could it be 3 p.m.?”
09/30/2014
On The 7th Day, God Accidentally Slept Through His Alarm and Freaked Out

“Oh sh*t,” the Lord thought, checking his phone. “There’s no way it’s 3 p.m. How could it be 3 p.m.?”

On the 7th Day, God woke up to the afternoon sun on his face. There’s no way. He couldn’t have. Sure enough, he indeed had. For on the 6th Day, God went hard at the bar to blow off some steam after creating the entire universe. And on the 7th Day, God overslept and freaked out.

"I knew, of course, that he was a robot built for the sole purpose of f*cking, and therefore some amount of f*cking was ...
09/26/2014
MY F**KBOT ROOMMATE!

"I knew, of course, that he was a robot built for the sole purpose of f*cking, and therefore some amount of f*cking was to be expected, but I assumed he must have other interests as well."

I am finding it hard to live with my roommate, F**kbot ###treme. My main problem is that he never stops f**king. He f**ks at all hours of the day. He f**ks at all hours of the night. Every night. He f**ks dozens of sexual partners per week, often many at the same time — he has countless pen*ses, vag…

"Note: I’ve received a lot of curious emails, and to clarify, this item is definitely NOT infested with nasty scorpion e...
09/25/2014
Blue Armoire For Sale, Not Infested With Scorpions

"Note: I’ve received a lot of curious emails, and to clarify, this item is definitely NOT infested with nasty scorpion eggs."

Blue armoire, near-perfect condition, w/ original lock - $375 (Flatbush Area) My wife and I are moving and need to pare down our stuff. I inherited this armoire from my great-great-grandfather, who found it during a long journey through India 100 years ago. Note: This item is NOT infested with scorp…

"Even though it’s free, I reserve the right to post a snarky post to one or more social media platforms complaining abou...
09/19/2014
My Personal WiFi Terms & Conditions

"Even though it’s free, I reserve the right to post a snarky post to one or more social media platforms complaining about how slow the connection speed is."

Dear Library Free WiFi, Thank you for sharing the Terms & Conditions of your use. Before I click “Accept,” I want to let you know that I have a few Terms & Conditions of my own.

“Yeah. Space Camp is not in space. It’s in f*cking Alabama. AKA EARTH.”
09/17/2014
Disappointed Yelp Review for Space Camp

“Yeah. Space Camp is not in space. It’s in f*cking Alabama. AKA EARTH.”

Hello, Yelp. This is my first ever review but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t register and warn you of the sham that is Space Camp. If it saves even one person the several thousand dollars and crippling disappointment I experienced, then it’s worth it. As you all probably know, my birthday…

"Simon Rich: So, I guess my first question is: Do you still believe what you wrote in Poetics?Aristotle: I was a kid whe...
09/16/2014
An Interview with Aristotle

"Simon Rich: So, I guess my first question is: Do you still believe what you wrote in Poetics?

Aristotle: I was a kid when I wrote that, trying to get laid. It's all bullsh*t."

In 335 B.C., Aristotle wrote Poetics, a landmark work of literary theory. In it, the great philosopher asserted that “spectacle” was the least-important component of a play, ranking far below the work's “morality” and “logic.”

iCloud security breaches got you down? Head on down to Jim's Discount Cloud!
09/03/2014
Jim's Discount Cloud

iCloud security breaches got you down? Head on down to Jim's Discount Cloud!

Google and Apple's cloud services too expensive for you? Not sure what a cloud even is? No problem! It's easy to get confused with today's modern technology.

"Monte Carlo is a city in Monaco, a sovereign city-state located on the French Riviera in Europe! It is the most densely...
08/29/2014
Pulp Pulp

"Monte Carlo is a city in Monaco, a sovereign city-state located on the French Riviera in Europe! It is the most densely populated country in the world!" some guy who was walking on the sidewalk shouted at Tag as he drove by. "I didn't just get this information off Wikipedia, by the way!"

Dakota McFadzean CHAPTER 3 T ag Heuer glanced down at his Rolex (this irony was not lost on him; even though it wasn't mentioned earlier, Tag had conveniently earned an advanced degree in Tactical Weaponry and Irony during his time at Cambridge-On-Oxford)—a watch that probably cost at least $8,…

Wes Anderson's Batman reboot:A wealthy heir dons plastic bat ears and embarks on a whimsical, wry adventure with his eld...
08/28/2014
Batman by Other Directors

Wes Anderson's Batman reboot:
A wealthy heir dons plastic bat ears and embarks on a whimsical, wry adventure with his elderly Indian houseman, Alfred. Luke and Owen Wilson star as the separate halves of Two-Face.

With superhero movies being rebooted faster and faster these days, it seems like only a matter of time before every director in Hollywood gets a chance to do their own ‘Batman' movie. Nolan and Burton have had their turn, but here’s what Batman might look like in the hands of several other preeminen…

The Black Eyed Peas' Taboo joins Ron Funches for Episode 2 of everybody’s favorite five-minute talk show!
08/26/2014
Night Night with Ron Funches

The Black Eyed Peas' Taboo joins Ron Funches for Episode 2 of everybody’s favorite five-minute talk show!

Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.

"Before cell phones, if you wanted to show someone your dick you had to cut it off and put it in their mailbox.”
08/22/2014
Product Review: Cell Phones


"Before cell phones, if you wanted to show someone your dick you had to cut it off and put it in their mailbox.”

It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot.

Henderson Family Reunion! (Note: Feeding tubes are available for those with Henderson Syndrome)
08/22/2014
Henderson Family Reunion

Henderson Family Reunion! (Note: Feeding tubes are available for those with Henderson Syndrome)

Welcome to the Twenty-First Biannual Henderson Family Reunion! Our Planning Committee has been working nonstop for the last two years to put together what is sure to be an action-packed, fun-filled weekend—for the whole family! Ha, ha! This handy guide will allow you to take full advantage. * St…

“We’re already on the fifth Tuesday and haven’t learned a gosh darn thing!”
08/19/2014
The Occasional's Audio Book Series: Tuesdays With Morrie

“We’re already on the fifth Tuesday and haven’t learned a gosh darn thing!”

Listen to more from the The Occasional's Audio Book Series: Featured Aug 14, 2014 Audio, AudioBook 014Heroes, Zack Poitras Zack Poitras Aug 14, 2014 Audio, AudioBook 014Heroes, Zack Poitras Zack Poitras The Occasional's Audio Book Series: Tuesdays With Morrie Aug 14, 2014 Audio, AudioBook 014He…

Watch as these super hero stars transform into scrawny fresh-faced youths with our astonishing “de-aging” slider technol...
08/13/2014
Morphs: Here's What These Super Hero Stars Looked Like When They Were Younger

Watch as these super hero stars transform into scrawny fresh-faced youths with our astonishing “de-aging” slider technology.

The appearances of the actors portraying iconic superheroes are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with the character. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had donned a cape? Slide the pegs below to watch the heroic become young…

"Not a day goes by that I don't unplug it and plug it back in, hoping it will restart," White confided. "Alas, that wasn...
08/08/2014
The One Man Affected by Y2K

"Not a day goes by that I don't unplug it and plug it back in, hoping it will restart," White confided. "Alas, that wasn't in Y2K's plans."

In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed. I n retrospect, the Y2K scare was trivial. Predictions of a worldwide shutdown caused by our reliance on computers were exaggerated and the popul…

Q: "Who do you think looks up to you?"A: "Usually people at outdoor concerts sitting in the grass, little kids, people i...
08/06/2014
5 Heroic Questions with Ian Edwards

Q: "Who do you think looks up to you?"

A: "Usually people at outdoor concerts sitting in the grass, little kids, people in wheelchairs. Asian guys in their low rider Fast and Furious cars. Obama."

Heroes Month continues into month two or three here at The Occasional. Joining us for an in-depth look at heroes is stand-up Ian Edwards.

In the spirit of Rap Genius, we bring you a thorough analysis of a classic.
07/31/2014
An Annotated Breakdown of Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"

In the spirit of Rap Genius, we bring you a thorough analysis of a classic.

Click on the highlighted lyrics below for annotation. " Hero" by Enrique Iglesias THIS FIRST LINE, WHISPERED BY IGLESIAS, SETS THE TONE FOR THE REST OF THE SONG AND SUBTLY HINTS WHAT IT WILL BE ABOUT. IN THIS CASE, THE SONG IS ABOUT WANTING TO BE YOUR HERO. AN HOMAGE TO IGLESIAS' FAVORITE COMEDY AN…

DAYDREAM 1:In the middle of class, the teacher shuts the door and pulls out a gun. He waves it around, finally pointing ...
07/25/2014
Potential Daydreams For A Weak Teenage Boy

DAYDREAM 1:

In the middle of class, the teacher shuts the door and pulls out a gun. He waves it around, finally pointing it at you. With a face full of crazy he only has one demand: “You need to have sex with Lisa Lampanado, or else everyone dies.”

Weak teenagers spend much of their days in school daydreaming. Sometimes, however, one may find himself daydreaming the same scenarios over and over, and grown a little tired of it. Well, here are some new daydreams to get you through the rest of high school, college, and, let’s face it, life.

"Time Warner employees are actually CIA operatives keeping you safe from imminent danger, and you’ll never thank us. Onc...
07/22/2014
Thank You For Calling Time Warner, Your Call Is Very Important To Us And Also We’re Busy Saving...

"Time Warner employees are actually CIA operatives keeping you safe from imminent danger, and you’ll never thank us. Once you’ve read this it will be erased from your memory."

Your Call Is Very Important To Us. Your Hold Time Is Approximately One Minute. “Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say. “Oh, I just wanted—” “Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait. Your Call…

"I wasn’t worried when my powers didn’t arrive immediately cause, as everyone knows, Peter Parker wakes up with them the...
07/18/2014
A Letter To Marvel Regarding My Recent Radioactive Spider Bite

"I wasn’t worried when my powers didn’t arrive immediately cause, as everyone knows, Peter Parker wakes up with them the next morning. If anything, the shade of blue my wrist was turning made me think it was happening faster than normal."

Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I.

“Citizens” Galaxis said, her powerful voice booming over the sea of faces. “Have no fear. Your city is safe.”There was a...
07/16/2014
The Adventures of a Female Super Hero

“Citizens” Galaxis said, her powerful voice booming over the sea of faces. “Have no fear. Your city is safe.”

There was a smattering of applause, then reporters began shouting questions. “Have you gained weight?”
“Whatʼs your favorite lip gloss?”
“Is that a baby bump?”

W hen the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns. The doom-bot had stood seventy feet tall and…

“Aquaman, do you have a human dick or a fish dick? You know what, never mind. I wanna be surprised. OK, The Flash, I was...
07/15/2014
Being Superman Has Bored Me and I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch

“Aquaman, do you have a human dick or a fish dick? You know what, never mind. I wanna be surprised. OK, The Flash, I was thinking you could start by — oh, um, I see you’ve finished already.”

Being Superman has bored me and I’d like the entire Justice League to have sex while I watch. Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.

“3. Unmercifully kill a low level maintenance worker in your building to desensitize yourself to murder, as well as to s...
07/11/2014
A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain

“3. Unmercifully kill a low level maintenance worker in your building to desensitize yourself to murder, as well as to show other employees you mean business.”

When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.

"The second those claws came out of your hands you should have gotten a physical therapist on the line. It should have b...
07/09/2014
Weapon X to Wolverine: Please Come Back To Finish Your Physical Therapy

"The second those claws came out of your hands you should have gotten a physical therapist on the line. It should have been your first thought. Well, your first thought probably should have been: 'Oh my god, claws!' but your second thought definitely should have been physical therapy."

Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy.

"The woman’s body is not only a temple, but a mission-control center, firing off intricate commands and sequences every ...
07/07/2014
Women Are the Real Heroes

"The woman’s body is not only a temple, but a mission-control center, firing off intricate commands and sequences every instant. A man’s body is a sports locker, holding a couple of balls and a bat."

W omen are the real heroes. Why? Women can have babies, while all men can do is fire a few sperm into the vagina. Women house the place where a sperm penetrates an egg and creates a zygote — the beginnings of human life. Men have a pen*s and two balls that hold the ammo for the pen*s to squirt. A…

Please stand, place your hand on your heart, and swell with pride as we pay homage the greatest nation in the world.
07/02/2014
The New National Anthem 2014™

Please stand, place your hand on your heart, and swell with pride as we pay homage the greatest nation in the world.

From birth, "The Star Spangled Banner" is instilled in every American. It is powerful, beautiful, and inspiring. It’s also over 200 years old. Much has happened since it was written. This is why The Occasional is thrilled to honor the United States of America with a new National Anthem, one that a…

"If I hadn’t built that time machine and gone back to kill Hitler, you’d all be saying to yourselves, 'Man, I wish I had...
07/01/2014
I Think I Should Get More Credit for Killing Hitler

"If I hadn’t built that time machine and gone back to kill Hitler, you’d all be saying to yourselves, 'Man, I wish I had a time machine so I could kill Hitler.' "

I think I should get more credit for killing Hitler. And I know you’re thinking: “Who’s Hitler? I’ve never heard of a guy named Hitler.” But the only reason you’re saying that is because I went back in time and killed him.

"I think you're confusing me for the actress that plays "Crazy Eyes" on that show, Uzo Aduba." Classic!!
06/30/2014
Catching Up with 'Orange is the New Black' star Jermaine Fowler

"I think you're confusing me for the actress that plays "Crazy Eyes" on that show, Uzo Aduba." Classic!!

We sent along some questions for Jermaine and he was nice enough to take a few minutes off from promoting the new season to send back some answers.

“He used a pen. I figured he'd probably plunge a syringe into my chest and sign his name using blood from my heart. You ...
06/27/2014
Tom Hanks Stories

“He used a pen. I figured he'd probably plunge a syringe into my chest and sign his name using blood from my heart. You know, to make a point about my comparative worthlessness and the expendability of my life. But no. He uses a regular pen."

My uncle Mort used to work at a drug store in Los Angeles. One day, in the middle of his shift, Tom Hanks walked in and bought a tube of toothpaste.

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