Jester of Columbia

03/27/2019

ENTER COLUMBIA JESTER’S ANNUAL JOKE COMPETITION BY E-MAILING YOUR BEST ORIGINAL JOKE TO [email protected].
WINNERS GET MONEY AND A FALSE SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.

02/07/2019

Datamatch - Matchmaking Excellence | Harvard Computer Society

T-MINUS 45 MINUTES UNTIL http://datamatch.me IS ONLINE!

Datamatch uses proprietary AI techniques and well-researched psychological profiles aggregated from two decades of data on the Harvard dating scene to find the perfect match for you. 75% of Harvard undergraduates use our matching service each Valentine's Day. Will you?

12/22/2018

Caffeine-addicted first year wonders why she wakes up with headaches after returning home from her first semester

“This stuff is legal, and obviously the government doesn’t legally sell stuff that can kill you.”

Catherina Gioino | Des Moines (CJ)– Carla Passa, CC’22, refused to drink coffee before arriving at Columbia. “I always thought of it as an adult drink,” said the Iowa nativ…

10/29/2018

Columbia Alumni Association

Did you know that the iconic Leo the Lion mascot used by Hollywood's MGM Studios was the creation of 1917 Columbia Journalism School graduate Howard Dietz, who drew inspiration from Jester of Columbia's Laughing Lion? This #NationalCatDay, learn more in the comments about the many stories behind our favorite feline, and the #ColumbiaAlumni who crowned him. (Jester photo courtesy of Columbia University Archives)

10/02/2018

Binary Word Search

Bored in class? How about an ol' fashioned game of word search?

A classic game with a new twist! Wait, I mean: 01100001 00100000 01100011 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110011 01101001 01100011 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101101 01100101 1) 01100111 2) 01100101 …

09/11/2018

In Bed with Big Red: The STI threatening the Ivy League

We're not the NYT but we also publish anon "op-eds"

Etta Slater. In recent years, there has been increased legal action regarding the need for people to disclose their sexual health issues before engaging in the act of, as the Brits like to call it,…

09/11/2018

Jester of Columbia presents Gilbert Gottfried

WE'RE BACK!!!!

https://columbiajester.com/

09/11/2018

Jester of Columbia presents Gilbert Gottfried

WE'RE BACK!!!!

https://columbiajester.com/

03/21/2018

Just because school is cancelled doesn't mean the local KKK rally is

02/13/2018

For just one day, love is in the air amid the gigabytes

Looks like the Washington Post digs Datamatch (and Jester): https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2018/02/13/for-just-one-day-love-is-in-the-air-amid-the-gigibytes/?utm_term=

In an era in which sexual hookups get all the attention, Datamatch, a creation of Harvard students, promotes old-fashioned dates.

02/11/2018

The Apocalypse Of Online Dating Is Here, Brought To You By Datamatch

"Datamatch’s crucial mistake was partnering with Jester Humor Magazine to spread this to Columbia. If they heard that our readership is “off-the-charts horny,” wouldn’t we be a better (and funnier) option? We would have made a much better survey, for one, that is a lot more Columbia-related and that more effectively reveal a user’s personality."
-Youngweon Lee, Bwog, February 11, 2018 (http://bwog.com/2018/02/11/the-apocalypse-of-online-dating-is-here-brought-to-you-by-datamatch/)

Continue signing up for datamatch.me to make Bwog saltier about not being included (again) ;)

02/11/2018

On Harvard Time

On Harvard Time

Love and Alexa commands are in the air in the latest OHT + Harvard Datamatch collaboration!

Take Datamatch: https://datamatch.me

#OnHarvardTime #HCSDatamatch #ValentinesDay #Love #artificialintelligence

02/07/2018

Datamatch Live at Columbia

https://datamatch.me/ GOES LIVE IN LESS THAN 5 MINUTES!!!

02/07/2018

Jester comes in clutch

Find our flyers and you could win a FREE JOHN JAY CONDOM!!

12/13/2017

THE JESTER'S NEW PRINT ISSUE IS OUT!!!!!

READ ABOUT GHOSTS HERE: https://columbiajester.com/the-archives/

OR HIT UP ANY MEMBERS FOR A LIMITED NUMBER OF PAPER ISSUES PRINTED ON DEAD TREES

11/01/2017

The Suzanne Goldberg Guide to Rape

This week, the Jester of Columbia's online issue is "The Suzanne Goldberg Issue On The Freedom of Speech".

Supriya found Suzanne Goldberg's diary and published an extract from it entitled "The Suzanne Goldberg Guide to Rape": https://columbiajester.com/2017/11/01/the-suzanne-goldberg-guide-to-rape/

Euslace Wiley got a statement from Suzanne Goldberg about her tireless efforts to support marginalized Nazis and misunderstood rapists: https://columbiajester.com/2017/11/01/which-is-better-nazis-or-rape/

Andrew tried to delve into Suzanne Goldberg's relationship with spiderman: https://columbiajester.com/2017/11/01/a-day-in-the-life/

Supriya Ambwani Suzanne Goldberg is a lawyer who is ostensibly an expert on the sex and the gays. She, like Admiral General Aladeen in The Dictator, holds many positions of power at Columbia Univer…

10/25/2017

Contemplate Your Life Span

https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/25/contemplate-your-life-span/

Columbia University tried to calculate the amount of free time its students should have. Catherina Gioino used her advanced scientific skills to improve that flawed analysis.

Catherina Gioino Contemplate Your Life Span Also Known As: Commitments Reality Check Why should I even go to this school? You, like everyone else, attend Columbia because of the prestige.…

10/20/2017

I Chose Columbia Because I Didn’t Want to Go to a Football School

The Columbia Football team has trifled with Catherina Gioino's expectations of a Columbia University in the City of New York education. Shame!

https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/20/i-chose-columbia-because-i-didnt-want-to-go-to-a-football-school/

Catherina Gioino With the Columbia football team winning all five games it’s played this season, it’s time we face the facts: Columbia is one win away from renting pick-up trucks and …

10/19/2017

Trifling on 34th Street: A Snapshot

In honor of the Columbia University Writers House and the Jester of Columbia's joint Movement Against Trifling tomorrow, 20 October, 2017, the theme of this week's issue is 'Trifling'.

Sean got trifled and turned into an Easter bunny on 34th street: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/19/trifling-on-34th-street-a-snapshot/
Michelle got But-rifled: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/19/trifling/
Andrew wants you to know if you're 'That Guy': https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/19/that-guy/
Henrietta has an exclusive interview with a girl who wonders if she has necrophilia after a date with yet another guy who’s dead behind the eyes: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/19/girl-wonders-if-she-has-necrophilia-after-date-with-yet-another-guy-whos-dead-behind-the-eyes/
Tanmay got trifled by Columbia University in the City of New York: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/19/columbia-trifled-me/

Sean Rafferty Chris Krangle seethes beneath the overhang of Hotel Pennsylvania on 7th Ave., sucking on a Kool for dear life. He’s dressed in a bunny costume from his neck down (he’d left the head o…

10/11/2017

Map of Columbia Tunnels

This week, The Jester of Columbia set out to explore Forbidden Places.

Mark broke into and mapped the tunnel system of Columbia University in the City of New York: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/11/map-of-columbia-tunnels/

Ethan got trapped on the roof of Butler Library and butchered some pigeons to survive: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/11/trapped-on-butler-roof/

Andrew has written a handy guide to where masturbation is okay: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/11/trapped-on-butler-roof/

Tanmay explored the dungeons of Butler Library: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/11/what-is-the-centerpiece-of-columbia/

Mark Prusakowsi

10/05/2017

What Is Barnard?

This week, The Jester of Columbia attempts to answer the unanswerable: What Is Barnard College?

Michelle tackles the thesis in "What Is Barnard?": https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/05/what-is-barnard/

Andrew describes what President Trump's visit to Barnard would look like: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/05/trumps-visit-to-barnard/

Mark snuck into Barnard's Free and For Sale page: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/05/barnard-free-and-for-sale/

Sean is trying to transfer out of Barnard: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/05/uga-transfer-applicants-insight-questions-max-500-words/

Supriya and Ethan did research on birth control methods used at Barnard and Columbia with the help of Columbia Health: https://columbiajester.com/2017/10/05/a-uncomprehensive-list-of-birth-control-used-by-columbia-and-barnard-students/

More information on this elusive subject is welcome. Message/ email/ owl mail us with more secrets.

Michelle Goff This year, Columbia’s Class of 2018 will graduate. Many of its members will learn about an ominous secret that has haunted Columbia’s campus for years. It is PrezBo’s greatest secret,…

09/27/2017

Idioms for Dummies

https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/27/idioms-for-dummies/

Use your brain cells for the first time this decade with this crossword by Tanmay Khandelwal

Tanmay Khandelwal

09/24/2017

Plan Your Kid’s Labor Day/Back-to-School Party (& Skip Those Pesky Wal-Mart Lines with Amazon Prime)

https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/24/plan-your-kids-labor-dayback-to-school-party-skip-those-pesky-wal-mart-lines-with-amazon-prime/

Nimrod aka Sean Rafferty has some September advice for all the prescription drug-overdosed parents of New York:

Sean Rafferty Hey parents, guardians, and caregivers of New York! It’s Nimrod the Clown here, with some more tips on having fun with young kids. So, if you’re anything like me and my partner, you w…

09/24/2017

On John Jay Elevators

Andrew Schur believes that the John Jay elevator is a leading cause of America's obesity epidemic. Learn more: https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/24/on-john-jay-elevators/

Andrew Schur Ahhh yes. The doors opening is as satisfying as hearing the Indian technician pick up your 1-800 call on the other line, finally available to explain how to delete porn from you…

09/22/2017

Tales from Broadway- The Discount Ticket Line

Mark Prusakowski tried to watch The Book of Mormon. Did he succeed???????? Read about what happened in that fateful line: https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/22/tales-from-broadway-the-discount-ticket-line/

Mark Prusakowski Being the one deadbeat in my group of theater friends who has not yet seen The Book of Mormon on Broadway, I decided to bite the bullet on Monday and skip class to see the show tha…

09/22/2017

Lines at Columbia and How to Cross Them

The cross Ethan Widell on crossing lines at Columbia: https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/22/lines-at-columbia-and-how-to-cross-them/

Ethan Widell Columbia is a college of many lines. Whether it be the wait for overcooked ferris noodles or the hypnotically straight bars in front of your John Jay window, there are all sorts of lin…

09/20/2017

Millennials are Killing the Pickup Line Genre

https://columbiajester.com/2017/09/20/millennials-are-killing-the-pickup-line-genre/

Those damned millenials!

As any good Baby Boomer knows, Millennials are constantly destroying every reminder of the American Dream in today’s society. With the advent of Tinder, many Millennials have found a new precious g…

09/18/2017

GREETINGS!!!!!!!

Our first meeting of the semester is TOMORROW, 19th September (TUESDAY for those who failed kindergarten) at Lerner 510B from 8 pm to 10 pm.

GET PUMPED!!!!!!!!!!

09/08/2017

We are 3 rows in front of the wetter fountain on Low Steps and diagonally across from the tourists around Alma Mater. Table 94 is where the debauchery is at!!!
Now that you know our exact location, you could either send a drone to destroy us or come stare at us as evidence that Columbia lets in "just any riff-raff" these days.
We're waiting with our bae Euslace Willey!

09/06/2017

The club rejections we pay for

http://columbiaspectator.com/opinion/2017/09/06/the-club-rejections-we-pay-for/

The Jester of Columbia firmly rejects rejections, especially Freudian ones. We believe in accepting everyone who likes to laugh and make other people laugh AND WE DO IT FOR FREE (*bribes suggested but not required). To quote one of our lesser-known alumni, Allen Ginsberg,

"The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy!
The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand
and asshole holy!
Everything is holy! everybody's holy! everywhere is
holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman's an
angel!"

If you have a holy soul and a holy nose (or maybe a holy cock and a holy asshole), join the very non-exclusive Jester of Columbia to protest against bougie exclusiviness in snowflake-papered Ivy League corridors of misery and one-night stands with Chad.

To join us, like our page for updates/ email us at [email protected]/ visit our table at the Columbia Activities' Fair on Friday afternoon/ paste love letters to us all over Prez Bo's house.

Columbia College Student Council faces a moral dilemma: whether or not it should fund student groups that actively exclude students, even as the funds supporting these organizations come from the students excluded. CCSC manages over $1 million in Student Activity Fees. Student Activity Fees are paym...

05/15/2017

Senior Bullsh*t Profile: King Kai-nhool

The Jester of Columbia will hand out free happy endings in the Stacks to anyone who figures out who this Gonorrhea-lover is: https://columbiajester.com/2017/05/15/senior-bullsh*t-profile-king-kai-nhool/
(private messages only plz we respect privacy)

Name: King Kai-nhool Name on seekingarrangement.com: King Kai-nhool Favourite STD: Gonorrhea, hands down. I think it reminds me of Columbia itself, because it affects moist and wet areas of the bo…

05/15/2017

Senior Bullsh*t Profile: Tom MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod

Tom MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod gave the Jester of Columbia an exclusive interview for its Senior Bullsh*t Profile series. Share some of his wisdom right here: https://columbiajester.com/2017/05/15/senior-bullsh*t-profile-tom-macleod-of-the-clan-macleod/

If you're a senior who wants to be a part of the Clan ManLeod, complete this questionnaire: https://goo.gl/forms/tsIKajn4hCBdYxko1

Name: Tom MacLeod, of the Clan MacLeod Name on seekingarrangement.com: VitaminDBag Favourite STD: Gonnorherpasyphillaids BDSM Safeword: Smegma Do you believe that the Marching Band should storm But…

05/15/2017

Senior Bullsh*t Profile: Sara Wright

Check out our first Senior Bullsh*t Profile of the year with Sara Wright!

https://columbiajester.com/2017/05/15/senior-bullsh*t-profile-sara-wright/

If you're a senior who hasn't filled this in yet (what are you even doing with your life?), complete this questionnaire: https://goo.gl/forms/tsIKajn4hCBdYxko1

Name: Sara Wright Name on seekingarrangement.com: Flute Mama Favourite STD: Wut BDSM Safeword: Banana Do you believe that the Marching Band should storm Butler 209? Absolutely Describe your…

04/28/2017

Today is the day! Come to the Varsity Show and get a free copy of Jester Magazine!!!

04/03/2017

This Macy’s One-Day Sale Has Been Going On for Twenty-Three Years

TOO FUNNY
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/this-macys-one-day-sale-has-been-going-on-for-twenty-three-years?intcid=mod-latest

These one-day sales are rare, so you should really take advantage of the special opportunity.

03/30/2017

I Used to Call You on My Cell Phone

In case you've been trying to reach me...

https://columbiajester.com/2017/03/30/i-used-to-call-you-on-my-cell-phone/

I used to… I used to… An epistolary tragedy Day 1 Hey Dad, Bad news. I think my phone’s dead. I don’t know what happened. The home button and charger port just stopped working. I don’t know. When I…

03/30/2017

I laughed for a solid 10 minutes:

03/22/2017

Issuu reader

The Apocalypse has gone online (you can still get a print copy-- message Cary Chapman if interested): https://e.issuu.com/embed.html#28503217/46121793

03/21/2017

1 more hour! FREE magazines in Lerner until 4 pm :) :) :)

03/21/2017

We have soooo many magazines. Please, take them! Come to Lerner Hall!

03/12/2017

GoFundMonica

The struggle is real for this would-be vacationer:
https://columbiajester.com/2017/03/12/gofundmonica/

Today, Monica, our resident Basic White Girl, has come to Jester with a very pressing issue. Her besties, Britnee, Rachel, and Taylor (Tay Tay), are all going to Cancun for Spring Break like the cl…

03/07/2017

Meatless Mondays: A Harrowing Tale of Lenten Woe

Join us as we plunge into the "literal wilderness" of John Jay Meatless Mondays: https://columbiajester.com/2017/03/07/meatless-mondays-a-harrowing-tale-of-lenten-woe/

I am a not a particularly religious individual. To be more specific, I’m vaguely Church of England, which means I religiously buy an advent calendar of the chocolate or pictorial variety around Chr…

03/02/2017

Things to Give Up for Lent

"Ferris coffee. Nobody here is giving up real coffee."
https://columbiajester.com/2017/03/02/things-to-give-up-for-lent/

It’s the season of giving up on your many (many many many) indulgences, so Jester has compiled a list of all the things you can give up for Lent. 1. Give up on giving up. Like, seriously, it’s real…