The Shallot is Columbia's spiciest student-run newspaper, offering all the "news" that’s fit to print (on a low-budget website). A shallot is a small, purple plant, commonly used in many Asian cuisines.
It is a lesser-known and underappreciated relative of The Onion. The Columbia Shallot is a newly discovered variety that only grows in the fertile soils of a certain Ivy League university located in New York City. The Shallot is Columbia University’s spiciest student-run newspaper, offering all the news that’s fit to print (on a low-budget website). We strive to be the only source of “news,” “opinion,” and “gossip” you will ever need. We also have horoscopes. Please consume in moderation.
The Shallot is live-tweeting a Columbia admissions tour! Listen in: http://twitter.com/cushallot
The latest Tweets from Columbia Shallot (@cushallot). Columbia's spiciest newspaper. Breaking news, informed opinions, arts reviews, & horoscopes. Email us: [email protected]. 2875 3/4 Broadway
After a frantic half hour of technical difficulties, the Shallot website is back! Now is as good a time as ever to visit your only reliable source for Columbia news.
News Columbia ‘completely unprepared’ for zombie apocalypse, report says April 28, 2015 • 0 Comments LOW LIBRARY — If zombies were to start roaming the streets of New York, Columbia’s campus would be “utterly and completely unprepared” to protect its inhabitants, a new report from the Office of Univ…
The Morningside Heights campus completely lacks modern zombie-fighting equipment like electric fences, sentry guns, and Hellfire-missile-equipped drones, the report said, adding that the weapons stockpile deep under Butler Library is only large enough to equip half of all students, faculty, and staff.
News Columbia ‘completely unprepared’ for zombie apocalypse, report says April 28, 2015 • 0 Comments LOW LIBRARY — If zombies were to start roaming the streets of New York, Columbia’s campus would be “utterly and completely unprepared” to protect its inhabitants, a new report from the Office of Univ…
"Since the decline of the Hudson River salmon population in the mid 1980s, Columbia Dining Services has turned to alternative, less expensive aquatic creatures: cucumber, carrots and avocado."
BREAKING: Dr. Oz will have Alternative Weight Reduction Medicine Center at Columbia, will be funded by saps who actually buy his bullsh*t.
Columbia University and Dr. Oz are joining forces to open the new Mehmet Cengiz Oz Center for Alternative Weight Reduction Medicine, the University announced on Friday. The Center will be funded by poor saps who actually buy into Dr. Oz’s bullsh*t.
"When asked what brought him to Koronet, Asiago replied prophetically, 'You know, just like, you know sometimes man. It’s gotta be Koronet.'"
"Carpet has harmed me in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. In winter, I wear a lot of fleece. But last year, when I lived in John Jay, I would get shocked by the door every time I touched it. Isn’t the potential for a severe electric shock a good enough reason to get rid of carpet?"
What happened on 4/20?
SOUTH LAWN — A thick cloud of unknown substance covered campus on April 20,...
Things don't look good for any of you this week
Horoscopes Horoscopes: Your unlucky week April 20, 2015 • 0 Comments Things aren’t looking good this week for anyone—better watch where you step/stand/walk/breathe to avoid why the Shallot predicts might be a somewhat untimely interruption to your semester: Aries (Mar. 21 – April 20): You will likel…
Hey prospective Columbia kiddos: check out The Shallot's guide to Columbia University in the City of New York!
Dorm & Living What is Columbia? April 10, 2015 • 0 Comments What is Columbia? The Shallot’s guide for Days On Campus Welcome, (Prospective) Class of 2019! Over the next two days, you will be bombarded with countless facts, figures, and the occasional fiction by our admissions office in an attempt to…
Our numerically impaired writer, Horatio Colby-Jack took a swing at writing about Columbia baseball's victory over Cornell this weekend.
Which internships should you have applied to this summer? Take our quiz and find out!
Quizzes Quiz: Consulting or finance? April 18, 2015 • 0 Comments It’s no secret that every Columbian’s dream is to work for either a finance or consulting firm. But to which institution should you sell your soul to (and make inordinate amounts of money from)? Take our quiz to find out which internsh…
The Shallot ventures into poll-making.
Unfortunately, literally becoming Edward Munch’s scream could not be retroactively added to this poll.
"What if I wanted to have my Days on Campus experience marred by rhetoric about sexual assault at Columbia that I have no context for understanding?"
News SEAS outraged by No Red Tape’s discrimination at Days on Campus April 13, 2015 • 0 Comments No Red Tape’s message projected onto Low Library. COLLEGE WALK — Columbia engineering students and prospective students are up in arms after finding out that activist group No Red Tape protested during S…
Check out The Shallot's guide to prospective students for the most accurate info on Columbia out there!
Dorm & Living What is Columbia? April 10, 2015 • 0 Comments What is Columbia? The Shallot’s guide for Days On Campus Welcome, (Prospective) Class of 2019! Over the next two days, you will be bombarded with countless facts, figures, and the occasional fiction by our admissions office in an attempt to…
“Are they implying that engineers aren’t as important as liberal arts majors?” said civil engineering sophomore Izzy K. Brunel. “Because if they are, they are sorely mistaken.”
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Really nothing worthy of note. Things won’t be great, but they won’t be terrible either. Enjoy the sublime mediocrity brought to you by the positions of the stars. Check in next week for more.
This fortune cookie has nothing to do with any of our predictions, but it serves as a symbol for our predictive powers....
"When in the course of college life it becomes necessary for students to dissolve carbohydrates, and to assume among the powers of the earth the satiation to which the Laws of Nature and University Senate entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of college students requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to Pizza."
Even Domino’s Pizza is included in the Right to Pursuit of Pizza.
The Shallot offers a short and sweet guide to Columbia for prospective students during Days on Campus!
Dorm & Living What is Columbia? April 10, 2015 • 0 Comments What is Columbia? The Shallot’s guide for Days On Campus Welcome, (Prospective) Class of 2019! Over the next two days, you will be bombarded with countless facts, figures, and the occasional fiction by our admissions office in an attempt to…
Can you tell your aardvarks from your Columbia administrators?
Dorm & Living Quiz: Administrator or Aardvark? April 9, 2015 • 0 Comments Like most Columbia students, you’ve probably seen administrators around campus and thought: “Damn, that administrator really looks like an aardvark.” To have the privilege of covering the most important news on campus, Shallot…
The Shallot is currently livetweeting #aardvarkfacts in anticipation of its next article! Tune in to learn more!
“Aardvarks might have teeth. We haven't established that one yet. #aardvarkfacts”
Spring is finally here—and that means new beginnings. What better way to kick off the season than by ridding yourself of that fleshy mass that‘s been burdening you for the past few months?
Dorm & Living Nine Easy Steps to Transcend Bodily Form and Become One With the World April 7, 2015 • 0 Comments Spring is finally here—and that means new beginnings. What better way to kick off the season than by ridding yourself of that fleshy mass that‘s been burdening you for the past few months?…
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19): This week looks good. Check back next week to see your luck take a nosedive.
In desperate need of reassurance and cosmic direction?
As of Friday night, Big Sean reportedly had not decided which of the requirement options he will pursue—though sources say that he will likely either complete the arts requirement or participate in a new workshop entitled “I Don’t F**k With You.”
News | Big Sean to complete sexual respect requirement before Bacchanal
Aries (Mar. 21 – April 20): Big Sean will be administering a oral Latin test during Bacchanal. Highly inebriated, you will mishear question three and fail.
Horoscopes [Br]eaking [Ba]cchanal March 29, 2015 • 0 Comments Not much has changed about Bacchanal. This week will end in mostly-regulated, drunken revelry at Columbia’s annual spring concert/boozefest: Bacchanal. To prepare you for the libations and adventures to come, we’ve consulted the skies for…
ICYMI, check out our coverage of Bacchanal!
Arts Bacchanal to make fun ‘safe and cost-effective’ March 8, 2015 • 0 Comments Big Sean will headline Bacchanal this spring. Hopefully by then he will have found a cap that fits his head. LOW STEPS — Earlier this afternoon, news about this spring’s Bacchanal broke. The Bacchanal committee announced…
"After five days of heckling, glaring, and heated back and forth about the aspects of the Israel-Palestine debate, students from both sides put aside their disputes—and their clothes."
News Israel Apartheid Week Ends in Peaceful Orgy March 29, 2015 • 0 Comments Low Plaza before the ensuing orgy. LOW PLAZA — An annual week of fraught tensions ended on the chilly flagstones of College Walk and Low Plaza. After five days of heckling, glaring, and heated back and forth about the aspec…
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): The tight wristband will cut off your blood circulation. Stash a portable chainsaw in your fanny pack.
Horoscopes [Br]eaking [Ba]cchanal March 29, 2015 • 0 Comments Not much has changed about Bacchanal. This week will end in mostly-regulated, drunken revelry at Columbia’s annual spring concert/boozefest: Bacchanal. To prepare you for the libations and adventures to come, we’ve consulted the skies for…
How hard is it to get drugs at Columbia?
Opinion Drugs on Campus: A Student Reporter’s Challenge March 26, 2015 • 0 Comments Inspired by thrilling gonzo reporting done by the New York Times’ Tatiana Schlossberg, the daughter of Caroline Kennedy and a Yale alumna, The Shallot sent its richest and best-connected trust fund kid on a daring an…
Participants raised their hands and yelled ‘Consent alert!’ every time a sexually non-respectful event took place on screen and discussed why the event was not sexually respectful.
News ‘Fifty Shades of Sexual Respect’ workshop meets skyrocketing student demand ahead of deadline March 11, 2015 • 0 Comments Consent alert! Which objects in this photo are sexually non-respectful? LERNER HALL — Seconds before Christian Grey cracked his whip across Anastasia Steele’s bare back, Col…
"We’ve already seen two brave souls attend their FroSci lecture drunk, but what happens when another baby Bwogger volunteers to attend film class high?"
Bwog needs to get on our level.
The Shallot PSA: Shallot to ‘amp-up’ Frontiers of Science by providing free cocaine to first-years February 24, 2015 • 0 Comments Bored in Frontiers? Can’t stay awake? Wonder what really happened? So do we! You’ve already heard about by Bwog’s awesome idea to provide first-years with booze during cl…
"Notably, this year’s Bacchanal will be held on April 4, which falls right around Christian celebrations of Good Friday and Easter, and Jewish celebrations of Passover. 'Yeah, we really wanted to deter as many people from going as possible,' said Bornick."
Arts Bacchanal to make fun ‘safe and cost-effective’ March 8, 2015 • 0 Comments Big Sean will headline Bacchanal this spring. Hopefully by then he will have found a cap that fits his head. LOW STEPS — Earlier this afternoon, news about this spring’s Bacchanal broke. The Bacchanal committee announced…
Remember: cheese is good luck.
Horoscopes Horoscopes: March madness March 3, 2015 • 0 Comments Happy spring, kids! Need a bit of luck to go with that midterm? Back from the dead, The Shallot’s horoscopes have got you covered! Read on: Aries (Mar. 21 – April 20): Cheese is good luck. At least, that’s how you’ve rationalized your m…
"Due to resource shortages caused by this year’s unseasonably snowy winter, the graduate students will be using kitty litter in place of salt and brooms in place of shovels."
LOW LIBRARY — As yet another snowstorm rolled into the city on Sunday, University...
"A mix of rice, corn, cheese, and perfectly seasoned meat tragically cascades down your winter coat as you struggle to keep the tin foil sheath closely wrapped over the rebellious tortilla. However, the worst is yet to come."
Dorm & Living Five stages of eating a Chipotle burrito on the subway February 26, 2015 • 0 Comments The offending, but delicious, Chipotle burrito. The human race has poured hours of agonizing thought into the subject of grief. Thanks to the digestible work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, it’s something w…
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