http://facebook.com/theOleanBee

The Olean Bee, 101 East State Street, Olean, NY (2026)

05/24/2026

A Note from the Editor Emeritus

By Buzz McStinger

The Olean Bee

Another week of words, readers, and the steady work of building something that lasts.

Thank you—once again, from the bottom of the comb—to everyone who opened these pages, shared a link, left a comment, forwarded an article, or simply sat with a cup of coffee and let the sentences settle. The hive continues to grow in quiet, unexpected ways. The shares reach farther, the messages carry more weight, and the quiet acknowledgments remind us why we keep showing up.

We’re still looking for writers who can deliver satire that cuts without malice, truths that sting with a smile instead of a snarl. If that’s you—500–800 words, fearless, funny, grounded in decency—send your best to [email protected]. Subject: “I Want to Join the Hive.” Pay is modest, as you’d expect for a ground-floor passion project like this one. The real compensation is the work itself: bylines, community, and the occasional coffee or Timbit that shows up as a quiet thank-you.

As promised, here is this week’s non-satirical reflection—one honest look at the moral and structural integrity of the hive’s combs.

Memorial Day, the Fallen, and the Freedom to Sting

This weekend we pause to remember.

We remember the men and women who put on the uniform, left behind everything familiar, and never came home. They did not die for a perfect nation. They died for an idea: that a people could govern themselves, speak their minds, worship as they choose, and hold their leaders accountable — even when those leaders don’t like it.

That idea includes the freedom of a little satirical newspaper in Olean, New York, to exist at all.

It includes the freedom to criticize a mayor, a council, a school board, or anyone else in power without fear of official retribution. It includes the freedom to mock, to question, to laugh, and to point out when the emperor has no clothes. Those rights were not handed down from on high. They were purchased, one sacrifice at a time, by people who believed the cost was worth it.

There is a rumor floating around City Hall and certain corners of social media that the mayor and others “know exactly who is behind the Olean Bee.” They think they’ve figured it out. They’re convinced they’ve unmasked the hive.

Let them keep thinking that.

Because while they chase shadows and point fingers at the usual suspects, the real bees keep working in the background — quiet, anonymous, and undisturbed. And that is only possible because a handful of good people have willingly stepped into the light, pretending to know more than they do, or even pretending to be the Bee themselves. They have drawn the fire, taken the heat, and given the actual writers the one thing every satirist needs: cover.

To those who have played decoy, who have let themselves be accused, speculated about, or even celebrated as “the Bee” just to protect the real hive — thank you. Your service is quieter than a battlefield, but it is service all the same.

This Memorial Day we honor the fallen who secured these freedoms with their lives. We also honor the living who continue to protect them — sometimes by standing in the line of fire so others can keep speaking.

The combs only stand strong when the hive remembers what it was built for.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more satire, and next week with another reflection.

Until then—stay upright, remember the fallen, guard the freedoms they bought, and keep the wax strong.

Buzz McStinger
Editor Emeritus
The Olean Bee

05/23/2026

Olean Mayor Yam Sherbert Now Going by “Edward Norton” While Pushing Curb Stomping Tax

By Buzz McStinger

Olean, NY — In a bold rebranding effort, Mayor Yam Sherbert has reportedly adopted a new nickname around City Hall: “Edward Norton.”

The reason? Her aggressive push for a brand-new Curb Stomping Tax — a creative way to squeeze more revenue out of every property that dares to touch a city street. Non-profits, churches, charities, and regular homeowners are all in the crosshairs. Because nothing revitalizes a city quite like curb-stomping the ones who are still willing to stay.

According to insiders, the mayor walked into a recent budget meeting, looked at the grim numbers, and calmly announced, “This is your city now.” She then outlined the plan: charge property owners for the privilege of having curbs. Especially the non-profits who thought tax-exempt status meant something.

“No better way to get people to leave a city,” one anonymous staffer muttered, “than to curb stomp the ones who stay.”

The logic is simple: every linear foot of curb is now a valuable municipal asset. Non-profits that provide meals, shelter, and services to the community will now be expected to pay their “fair share” for all that dangerous curb frontage they’ve been monopolizing.

When asked for comment, the mayor (now answering only to “Edward Norton”) reportedly gave a cold stare and muttered something about making the streets “clean again.” City Hall sources say she’s been watching American History X on repeat for inspiration.

Local non-profit leaders are stunned. “We’re trying to help people survive in Olean,” one said. “Now we’re getting taxed for the concrete in front of our building. At this rate, the only thing left in town will be the splash pads and whatever’s left after the stomping.”

Residents are already joking that the next logical step is a “Sidewalk Breathing Tax” or “Property Existing Fee.”

The Olean Bee will continue to follow this story. If your non-profit gets a surprise curb tax bill, please send us a copy. We’d love to frame it next to our growing collection of creative government ideas.

(This is satire. Mayor Yam Sherbert has not actually adopted the nickname Edward Norton. There is no official curb stomping tax… yet. But if one appears, you’ll know who to thank.)

05/18/2026

A Note from the Editor Emeritus

By Buzz McStinger

The Olean Bee

Another week of words, readers, and the steady work of building something that lasts.

Thank you—once again, from the bottom of the comb—to everyone who opened these pages, shared a link, left a comment (measured, passionate, or gloriously unfiltered), forwarded an article to someone who needed it, or simply sat with a cup of coffee and let the sentences settle. The shares are reaching farther, the messages carry more depth, and the quiet “I keep coming back” acknowledgments remind us why we do this. This little satirical hive isn’t just surviving; it’s beginning to thrive.

We’re still looking for writers who can deliver satire that cuts without malice, truths that sting with a smile instead of a snarl. If that’s you—500–800 words, fearless, funny, grounded in decency—send your best to [email protected]. Subject: “I Want to Join the Hive.” Pay is modest, as you’d expect for a ground-floor passion project like this one. The real compensation is the work itself: bylines, community, and the occasional coffee or Timbit that shows up as a quiet thank-you from someone who appreciates what we’re trying to do.

As promised, here is this week’s non-satirical reflection—one honest look at the moral and structural integrity of the hive’s combs.

Teaching the Next Generation Critical Thinking Skills:

The greatest gift we can give our children is not comfort, not self-esteem, and not even knowledge alone.

It is the ability to think clearly, honestly, and independently.

Critical thinking is not about being cynical or contrarian. It is the disciplined habit of asking hard questions, demanding evidence, weighing competing ideas, and refusing to surrender your mind to the loudest voice in the room — or the most comforting narrative on your screen.

In an age of algorithms that feed us what we already believe, 24-hour news cycles designed to provoke emotion, and social media that rewards performance over substance, the ability to think critically has become a survival skill. Without it, the next generation will be easy prey for manipulators of every stripe — political, commercial, ideological, or cultural.

Teaching critical thinking starts at home and in the classroom, but it cannot be reduced to a checklist. It means modeling the willingness to say “I don’t know” and then going to find out. It means teaching them to separate feelings from facts. It means showing them how to trace an argument to its source and test its logic. It means encouraging them to seek out the best counter-arguments to their own beliefs, not to tear them down, but to strengthen what is true.

The hive does not survive on blind obedience. Worker bees must constantly evaluate the health of the comb, the quality of the nectar, the threats at the entrance. A strong colony raises bees that can think — that can adapt, defend, and build.

We owe our children the same. Not echo chambers. Not safe spaces from uncomfortable ideas. Not the illusion that all opinions are equally valid. We owe them the tools to sort truth from falsehood, wisdom from folly, and principle from popularity.

This is difficult work. It requires patience. It requires humility — admitting when we ourselves have been wrong. It requires modeling intellectual honesty even when it costs us social approval.

But the alternative is a generation adrift, easily led, quick to outrage, and slow to reason. That is not a future any responsible adult should accept.

So this week, no satire. Just a call to action.

Teach the next generation to think. Not what to think, but how to think. Give them the ability to question, to reason, to seek truth even when it is inconvenient. The future of the hive depends on it.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more satire, and next week with another reflection.

Until then—stay upright, stay thoughtful, keep the wax strong.

Buzz McStinger
Editor Emeritus
The Olean Bee

05/16/2026

Cattaraugus County Legislator B. Ronald Denson: Local Power Broker or Jeffrey Epstein After a Really Good Gene Therapist?

By Buzz McStinger

Olean, NY — If you’ve spent any time in Cattaraugus County politics, you know the name B. Ronald Denson. Majority Whip. District 4 representative. The guy who seems to have his hand in everything from budget votes to local development deals. He’s got clout. Real clout.
But what if that clout came with a very different backstory?

Left: B. Ronald Denson as he appears today — respectable county legislator, Allegany resident, standard-issue suit and tie.

Right: Jeffrey Epstein on his yacht, straight from the Epstein files — the same smirk, the same posture, the same “I own the world” energy.
Coincidence?

According to the latest Olean Bee Deep State Desk investigation (okay, fine, it was mostly me and a lot of coffee), Jeffrey Epstein did not hang himself in a Manhattan jail cell in 2019. He slipped out in the cover of darkness, underwent extensive gene therapy and facial reconstruction, and quietly reinvented himself as… B. Ronald Denson of Cattaraugus County.

Think about it. The timing lines up. The sudden interest in local politics. The inexplicable influence in a small rural county. The man doesn’t age like the rest of us — he ages like someone who’s been professionally preserved.

Local sources (who asked to remain anonymous because they don’t want to get “Epstein’d”) say Denson’s rise was unusually meteoric for a guy who supposedly came from regular Allegany stock. One minute he’s just another face at county meetings. The next he’s Majority Whip with serious pull on budgets and appointments.

And let’s not forget the yacht. Has anyone seen B. Ronald Denson on a yacht lately? Exactly.

We reached out to Denson’s office for comment. A spokesperson replied with a single sentence: “This is ridiculous.” Which, to be fair, is exactly what someone pretending to be a dead billionaire s*x offender turned county legislator would say.

So the next time you see Legislator Denson at a meeting, smiling that calm, knowing smile while voting on yet another big-ticket item, just remember: somewhere in a very expensive clinic, a team of specialists once looked at Jeffrey Epstein and said, “You know what this guy needs? A quiet life in Western New York and a seat on the county legislature.”

The Olean Bee will continue to monitor this developing story. If you see B. Ronald Denson boarding a yacht or suddenly disappearing from his jail cell, please send photos.

We promise to ask questions later.

(This is satire. Ronald Denson is most likely not Jeffrey Epstein… because Jeffrey Epstein probably did Epstein himself in that jail cell. No gene therapy was involved. Please do not send this article to conspiracy forums. They already have enough material.)

05/11/2026

A Note from the Editor Emeritus
�By Buzz McStinger
�The Olean Bee –

Another week of words, readers, and the quiet work of tending the hive.

Thank you—once again, from the bottom of the comb—to everyone who opened these pages, shared a link, left a comment, forwarded an article, or simply sat with a cup of coffee and let the sentences settle. Each week feels like steady ground beneath our feet. The shares continue to spread, the messages carry real weight, and the quiet “I keep coming back” acknowledgments remind us why we do this. This little satirical hive isn’t just surviving; it’s beginning to thrive.

We’re still looking for writers who can deliver satire that cuts without malice, truths that sting with a smile instead of a snarl. If that’s you—500–800 words, fearless, funny, grounded in decency—send your best to [email protected]. Subject: “I Want to Join the Hive.” Pay is modest, as you’d expect for a ground-floor passion project like this one. The real compensation is the work itself: bylines, community, and the occasional coffee or Timbit that shows up as a quiet thank-you from someone who appreciates what we’re trying to do.

As promised, here is this week’s non-satirical reflection—one honest look at the moral and structural integrity of the hive’s combs.

The Immense Power and Burden of Motherhood

There is no greater power on earth than that held by a mother.

She carries life within her body. She brings it into the world through pain and courage most men will never know. And from that moment forward, she holds in her hands the shaping of a human soul. Few roles in life come with such absolute authority paired with such total vulnerability.

To be a mother is to accept a burden that never ends. It is sleepless nights and endless worry. It is sacrificing your own comfort, your own ambitions, your own sleep, your own body, and often your own identity so another person might have a chance to become who they were meant to be. It is making decisions that will echo for generations, knowing that every choice — what you say, what you don’t say, what you allow, what you forbid — becomes part of the foundation of a new life.

This power is terrifying in its weight. One wrong turn, one moment of weakness, one failure to show up when it mattered most, and the consequences can ripple for decades. And yet mothers carry it every single day — often without praise, often without rest, often while the world around them pretends their labor is invisible or automatic.

The hive understands this at its core. The queen does not simply lay eggs and rest. Her life is given entirely to the colony. Every worker bee exists because of her sacrifice, and the strength of the entire hive depends on her steadiness. The same is true in human families. The health of a community, a town, a nation, ultimately traces back to the strength and character of its mothers.

True motherhood is not sentimentality. It is duty in its purest form. It is love that chooses to stay when it would be easier to leave. It is discipline when indulgence would feel better. It is showing up, day after day, even when you are exhausted, even when you are afraid, even when no one seems to notice.

So this week, no satire. Just a deep and grateful reflection.

To every mother reading this — whether your children are small, grown, or even gone — thank you. The power you carry is immense. The burden you bear is heavy. And the world is better, steadier, and more hopeful because you refused to set it down.

The combs only stand strong when the queen is faithful. The same is true in every home.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more satire, and next week with another reflection.

Until then — stay upright, honor the mothers among us, and keep the wax strong.

Buzz McStinger
�Editor Emeritus
�The Olean Bee

05/08/2026

Olean High School Prom This Weekend: Nothing Says “Happy Mother’s Day” Like a Fresh Crop of Future Moms

By Buzz McStinger
� Olean, NY — Mark your calendars, folks. This weekend, Olean High School will once again host its annual prom — that sacred Southern Tier ritual where young love, cheap rented tuxedos, and questionable decision-making combine to create the next generation of Oleanders.

Because nothing grabs the community quite like Mother’s Day… except prom. In Olean, the two events are basically the same holiday.

For generations, prom has served as the premier local right of passage. Forget turning 18 or getting your driver’s license. In this town, you’re not truly an Oleander adult until you’ve slow-danced to a song from 1981 while wearing a dress you’ll never wear again, and nine months later you’re pushing a stroller past Tim Hortons wondering how life moved so fast.

Local tradition holds that if you attend Olean High prom, there’s roughly a 37% chance you’ll be changing diapers by Christmas. The math is fuzzy, but the results are consistent. Ask any grandmother in town — half the time their grandkids were “prom babies.” The other half were “post-prom babies.” The really ambitious ones were both.

School officials are, of course, staying positive. “We’re excited to celebrate our students’ achievements in a safe, supervised environment,” one administrator said, while quietly ordering extra boxes of “just in case” condoms that everyone knows will mostly go unused.

Meanwhile, local pharmacies are already running prom weekend specials on pregnancy tests and diaper bags. One Dan Horn Pharmacy employee was overheard saying, “We call it the Olean Starter Pack.

So as the Class of 2026 puts on their fancy clothes and takes awkward photos in front of the same fake backdrop they’ve used since 1992, just remember: somewhere in a delivery room next February, a new little Oleander will be entering the world, blissfully unaware they owe their existence to one magical night, too much spiked punch, and the timeless motto:

“What happens at prom… usually ends up in the Olean Times Herald birth announcements nine months later.”

Enjoy the dance, kids. Try to make good choices. But if you don’t… well, welcome to the club. Half the town’s already in it.

The Olean Bee wishes all prom-goers a memorable night — and all future Oleander mothers a very happy (and very soon) Mother’s Day.

(This is satire. Prom is fun. Teen pregnancy is serious. Use protection, kids. Your future self will thank you.)

05/03/2026

A Note from the Editor Emeritus

By Buzz McStinger

The Olean Bee

Another week of words, readers, and the honest work of getting back on the wing.

First, thank you.

To every reader who checked in, wondered where we went, sent a message, or simply kept us in mind during our unexpected silence — thank you. It has been roughly six weeks since our last full week of regular articles. That absence was not planned, and it was not because the hive stopped caring. It was because the hive got too busy tending to its own comb.

With extremely limited staff (just a few bees wearing multiple hats), we charged hard out of the gate. We made our name on the scene faster than we probably should have. We were publishing daily satire, weekly reflections, generating images, responding to local events, and trying to keep the buzz alive. In our enthusiasm, we collected more nectar than we could possibly turn into honey. We bit off more than we could chew — or, to keep the reference alive, we tried to fill more cells than we had wax to build.

And so, for the last month and a half, we stepped back. We tended to our own hive. We repaired some cracking comb, strengthened the structure, and reminded ourselves of a basic truth: every hive, and every bee in it, must first take care of its own affairs before it can consistently serve the wider field.

We are back now.

You will see us at least once a week with fresh satire — sharp, local, and unapologetic. You will also see us once a week with these honest reflections from the Editor Emeritus. We may not flood your feed like we did in the beginning, but what we publish will be steadier, stronger, and more sustainable.

Growth is good. But uncontrolled growth can weaken the hive. Sometimes the wisest thing a young colony can do is pause, reinforce the walls, and then return with clearer purpose.

So here we are — rested, reorganized, and recommitted.

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for still being here. The combs are stronger for the time we took, and the honey we produce going forward will be better for it.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more satire, and next week with another reflection.

Until then — stay upright, tend your own cells first, and keep the wax strong.

Buzz McStinger

Editor Emeritus

The Olean Bee

05/01/2026

Olean’s Drug Apprehension Division Strikes Again: Another Batch of “Highly Motivated” Citizens Captured for Drug-Related Activities

By Buzz McStinger

Olean, NY — In what is rapidly becoming a weekly tradition, the City of Olean’s Drug Apprehension Division announced another successful roundup of local individuals engaged in various drug-related activities.

According to a brief press release issued Tuesday afternoon, officers “apprehended several known drug addicts” in connection with possessing, using, and/or attempting to obtain controlled substances. Sources close to the division described the operation as “routine but effective,” noting that the suspects were located in the usual high-traffic areas: behind the old water filtration plant, near the levy, and in the parking lot of the Tim Hortons on North Union Street.

Witnesses report the typical scene: glassy-eyed individuals nodding off in vehicles, making furtive hand-to-hand exchanges under the glow of streetlights, and exhibiting the classic “I’m just waiting for a friend” posture while parked in front of the closed laundromat at 2 a.m. One suspect was reportedly found attempting to trade a half-empty pack of ci******es and a broken phone charger for “something to take the edge off.” Another was observed enthusiastically explaining to officers that the baggie in his sock was “just vitamins.”

The Drug Apprehension Division expressed cautious optimism about the latest haul. “We continue to see progress in our ongoing efforts to address drug-related activities,” a spokesperson said. “These individuals have been captured and will be processed according to standard procedure.”

Local residents offered the usual mix of reactions. One longtime Oleanite sighed, “Same story, different Tuesday. At least they’re consistent.” Another added, “I saw three of them walking down the street this morning like nothing happened. Must be a very efficient revolving door.”

At press time, the captured individuals were being held pending arraignment, where they will almost certainly promise to get clean, receive a court date, and be released back into the community to resume their drug-related activities with renewed enthusiasm.

The Olean Bee will continue to monitor this developing story. If you spot anyone acting suspiciously motivated near a known drug hotspot, please remember: the Drug Apprehension Division is on the case.

(This is satire. Drug addiction is a serious issue that destroys lives and families. The revolving door of arrests without meaningful treatment is a real problem. Please write your state representative to lump drug addicts in with the homeless Trap-Neuter-Release program bill. Real solutions, not just jokes.)

03/23/2026

A Note from the Editor Emeritus

By Buzz McStinger

The Olean Bee – Week 10

Another week of words, readers, and the quiet discipline of showing up.

Thank you—once again, from the heart of the hive—to everyone who opened these pages, shared a link, left a comment (measured, passionate, or gloriously unfiltered), forwarded an article to someone who needed it, or simply sat with a cup of coffee and let the sentences settle. Week ten feels like we’ve moved beyond the “will this endure?” question and into the “this is part of the rhythm now” certainty. The shares are reaching new corners, the messages carry more weight, and the quiet “I keep coming back” acknowledgments are starting to feel like the first real structural wax. This little satirical hive isn’t just surviving; it’s beginning to thrive.

We’re still looking for writers who can deliver satire that cuts without malice, truths that sting with a smile instead of a snarl. If that’s you—500–800 words, fearless, funny, grounded in decency—send your best to [email protected]. Subject: “I Want to Join the Hive.” Pay is modest, as you’d expect for a ground-floor passion project like this one. The real compensation is the work itself: bylines, community, and the occasional coffee or Timbit that shows up as a quiet thank-you from someone who appreciates what we’re trying to do.

As promised, here is this week’s non-satirical reflection—one honest look at the moral and structural integrity of the hive’s combs.

Leadership and the Cost of Hesitation

Leadership is not the art of having all the answers. It is the discipline of making decisions when the answers are unclear, incomplete, or unwelcome.

The best leaders understand this truth: hesitation is not caution; it is paralysis dressed in prudence. Indecisiveness is not wisdom; it is fear wearing the mask of thoughtfulness. Clouds of ambiguity do not protect—they obscure. And when a leader lingers too long in the fog, the organization, the team, the family, the community suffers.

The Founders knew this. They did not convene in Philadelphia to debate endlessly. They argued, they compromised, they fought—but when the moment came, they decided. They signed the document. They risked treason. They moved forward, knowing that perfect clarity was impossible and perfect consensus unattainable. Hesitation would have killed the republic before it was born.

History is littered with examples of leaders who waited too long:

• The general who delayed the counterattack until the enemy had reinforced.

• The executive who postponed the difficult layoff until the company was already bleeding out.

• The parent who avoided the hard conversation until the child was already lost.

• The mayor who deferred infrastructure repairs until the bridge collapsed.

In each case, the cost of waiting was greater than the cost of acting.

Leadership requires the courage to act in uncertainty—not recklessly, but resolutely. It means gathering the best information available, consulting the wisest voices, weighing the risks, and then choosing a path—even when the path is imperfect. Indecision is not neutral; it is a decision by default, and it is almost always the wrong one.

The hive knows this instinctively. A queen bee does not hesitate when the colony is threatened. Worker bees do not pause to debate whether to defend the comb. They act. They sacrifice. They move forward. The moment of hesitation is the moment the predator strikes.

In our own lives and communities, we face the same truth. When we delay hard conversations, postpone necessary changes, or avoid tough calls, we do not preserve stability—we invite collapse. Ambiguity is comfortable until it isn’t. Hesitation feels safe until the consequences arrive.

True leadership draws the line: gather the facts, seek counsel, acknowledge the unknowns—and then decide. Act. Move. Accept the outcome and adjust. The cost of being wrong is almost always less than the cost of doing nothing.

So this week, no satire. Just a reminder.

Leadership is not the absence of doubt. It is the refusal to be ruled by it. Hesitation kills slowly; decisiveness—even imperfect—gives life to possibility.

The combs only hold when the bees move forward, not when they hover in indecision.
We’ll be back tomorrow with more satire, more recruitment updates, and another look at the combs that hold us together.

Until then—stay upright, stay decisive, keep the wax strong.

Buzz McStinger
�Editor Emeritus
�The Olean Bee

03/21/2026

Olean Council Rejects Magical Wizard Hire, Insists Current Auditor’s Crystal Ball Still Reliable Enough

By Buzz McStinger

Olean, NY — In a stunning display of fiscal restraint—or perhaps fiscal hallucination—the Olean Common Council voted unanimously last night to reject a proposal that would have brought in an outside magical wizard to finally straighten out the city’s perpetually tangled books.

The motion, floated by Alderman John Fiscal (R-Ward 9) during a tense budget work session, would have authorized the expenditure of $85,000 to contract with “Merlin Financial Solutions LLC,” a self-described “arcane accounting consultancy” promising to “conjure balanced ledgers, banish red ink, and summon surpluses from the ether.” The wizard firm’s pitch included glowing testimonials (“They turned my deficit into gold!” – anonymous goblin king) and a money-back guarantee in the form of a refundable phoenix feather.

Proponents argued the city’s current auditor—long criticized for producing reports that read like optimistic fan fiction—was no longer sufficient. “We’ve been getting the same vague assurances for years,” Fiscal said. “It’s time we brought in someone who can actually make numbers appear where there were none.”

But the majority balked.

Alderman Carla Roundabout (D-Ward 😎 led the charge against the hire. “We’ve built a relationship with our current auditor,” she said. “They’ve never once predicted doom and gloom. They always find a way to make the numbers look… manageable. That’s the kind of stability we need.”

Council President Pro Tem Lisa Fairweather (D-At Large) agreed: “A wizard sounds flashy, but what happens when the spell wears off? We’re left with a pumpkin budget and a bunch of mice running the finance department. No thank you.”

Alderman Mike “Let’s Not” O’Connor (R-Ward 11) summed up the prevailing mood: “If we start hiring wizards every time the books don’t add up, next thing you know we’ll be paying a sorcerer to fix the potholes. We already have enough magic in this budget—mostly smoke and mirrors.”

The vote was 7–0 against the wizard. The council then congratulated itself on “protecting taxpayer dollars” and moved on to approving funds for the third annual “Olean Unity Splash Pad Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony” (no splash pad currently exists).

Mayor Yam Sherbert, who remained silent during the debate, later issued a brief statement: “We respect the council’s decision. Our current auditor has served us well, and we look forward to their next report—hopefully with more positive illusions.”

Local reaction was swift and predictable. One resident posted on Facebook: “We can’t afford a wizard but we can afford another splash pad that doesn’t exist? Peak Olean.”

Another replied: “At least the wizard would’ve made the debt disappear. Our auditor just makes it look prettier.”

At press time, the city’s financial outlook remains “optimistically vague,” according to the current auditor’s latest memo. Merlin Financial Solutions has not commented, though a spokesperson for the firm was overheard muttering something about “muggles” before hanging up.

The Olean Bee will continue to monitor this developing story. If anyone spots a surplus appearing out of thin air, please send photos. We’ll call it “magic.”

(This is satire. No wizards were considered for hire. Audits are serious business. Demand transparency, not incantations.)

The Olean Bee

05/24/2026

05/23/2026

05/18/2026

05/16/2026

05/11/2026

05/08/2026

05/03/2026

05/01/2026

03/23/2026

03/21/2026

Address

Telephone

Website

Alerts

Contact The Business

Shortcuts

Share

Category