The Pierogi Press

The Pierogi Press "All the News That's Fit to Fry"

THE HIGHMARK HIGHJACK (PART 2): Why a Harrisburg Think Tank’s "Free Lunch" Parental Leave Math Doesn’t Add Up for Allegh...
07/31/2026

THE HIGHMARK HIGHJACK (PART 2): Why a Harrisburg Think Tank’s "Free Lunch" Parental Leave Math Doesn’t Add Up for Allegheny County
PITTSBURGH, PA

If you listen to the Harrisburg-based Keystone Research Center (KRC), the Allegheny County Board of Health’s proposed 18-week paid parental leave mandate is an economic miracle. In their glossy July 2026 report, KRC waves a magic wand and claims that while the policy technically costs local businesses $170 million, it magically pays for itself—dropping the "net cost" to a mere fraction of a percent of our regional GDP.

It sounds beautiful on paper. But here on the ground in Allegheny County, where independent businesses actually have to balance a ledger, KRC’s numbers aren't just wrong, they are flat out dangerous.

The Maximum Liability Flaw: Blind to the Small Business Reality

How does KRC arrive at such a low-impact estimate? They rely on the federal government’s "Worker PLUS" model, a macro-economic simulation that averages out numbers across a massive statistical pool. But local shops don't operate on macro-statistical averages; they operate on actual maximum liability.

Because this proposal is a direct employer mandate rather than a state-funded insurance program, employers are left entirely on the hook for double the payroll. If a critical worker at a neighborhood pharmacy or an independent medical clinic takes 18 weeks of leave, that business must pay 100% of that worker’s salary and benefits while simultaneously paying a premium to secure immediate replacement labor in a highly competitive local job market.

KRC’s model treats a rolling 18-week vacancy as an easily absorbed bump in the road. In reality, for an independent business with a handful of employees, having even one or two workers utilize this mandate at the same time is an unhedged cash flow crisis that can completely erase an entire year’s profit margin.

Follow the Money: Why KRC’s Agenda is Baked Into the Math

To understand why KRC’s report reads like a corporate public relations brochure, you only have to look at who sits at their table. Despite branding itself as an independent, nonpartisan institute, a quick look at the Keystone Research Center Board of Directors reveals a governing body dominated almost entirely by high-ranking labor union officials from the SEIU, PSEA, and PA AFL-CIO.
KRC is doing exactly what its financial backers pay it to do: manufacturing the data needed to justify sweeping government mandates.

Organizations like SEIU Healthcare Pennsylvania have been open about using these policy pushes to handle their retention crises and standardize benefit frameworks across the state. By deploying a smoothed-out, theoretical model, KRC provides the political cover necessary to pass a mandate that heavily favors organized labor's structural goals while ignoring the direct friction costs imposed on non-unionized, private employers.

The Regulatory Moat: Subsidizing the Corporate Health Cartels

Perhaps the most deceptive part of KRC's "0.14% of GDP" math is how it blends multi-billion-dollar corporate giants with independent local operations.

A universal 18-week mandate acts as a massive corporate subsidy for the region's dominant non-profit healthcare networks, like Highmark Health. With deep cash reserves, dedicated HR departments, and immense float pools of redundant labor, a massive healthcare network can comfortably absorb an 18-week leave cycle. It is an integrated cost of doing business for them.

But for the independent physical therapy clinic, the private EMS provider, or the neighborhood care center, that exact same mandate is a breaking point. By pushing for a legal framework that only multi-billion-dollar health networks can easily survive, KRC’s advocated policy builds a regulatory moat around the region's largest institutional players. It squeezes out small, independent healthcare competitors, further consolidating market control under the banner of a public health victory.

When you calculate the true financial risk profile of a small Pittsburgh business, the Keystone Research Center’s macro-averages fall apart. The numbers aren't a mistake; they are a calculated effort to reshape Allegheny County’s economy to serve institutional interests in Harrisburg and corporate boardrooms at home.

COMING SOON:
THE HEALTH-CARE CARTEL’S HIDDEN CASHFALL: How Allegheny County’s 18-Week Mandate Funnels Millions to the Top While Crushing the Little Guy

THE ULTIMATE ACCOUNTABILITY: Why the 13-Democrat Council Supermajority Must Be Broken to Save Allegheny County!

Well hot damn! Come join me on X!
07/29/2026

Well hot damn! Come join me on X!

THE HIGHMARK HIGHJACK: Inside the $873 Million Health-Cartel Scheme to Corporate-Subsidize Pittsburgh’s Maternity Ward M...
07/16/2026

THE HIGHMARK HIGHJACK: Inside the $873 Million Health-Cartel Scheme to Corporate-Subsidize Pittsburgh’s Maternity Ward Monopoly

PITTSBURGH, PA — To the public, it is the crowning achievement of the new progressive era: an 18-week, 100% employer-funded paid parental leave mandate engineered by the Allegheny County Board of Health.

Promoted under the banner of racial equity and infant wellness, the law is framed as a compassionate safety net for working families.

But after a months long investigation into campaign cash ledgers, regional hospital demographic pipelines, and healthcare corporate filings reveals a far more sinister reality.

This isn’t a story about family welfare. It is the anatomy of a multi-million-dollar structural wealth transfer. Evidence shows that a hand-picked, interlocking network of progressive politicians, labor bosses, and corporate healthcare executives weaponized the county’s public health code to construct an unprecedented cash pipeline. By forcing private employers to assume an absolute maximum liability over $873,000,000, the ordinance guarantees that a massive wave of fully salaried, premium-paying maternity patients will be systematically funneled into the suburban hospital network of the Allegheny Health Network (AHN) and its parent conglomerate, Highmark Health.

Part I: The Bloodless Coup at the Board of Health

The operational blueprint for the scheme required neutralizing the county’s traditional legislative check: the 15-member Allegheny County Council. Knowing that a sweeping business mandate would face grueling public opposition in a traditional council setting, the newly elected administration of County Executive Sara Innamorato turned to an obscure, politically insulated regulatory backdoor: the county health code.

Under Pennsylvania law, a county Board of Health possesses unique emergency police powers to alter the health code without a standard legislative origin, provided the rule addresses a public health necessity. To turn this regulatory engine into a political weapon, Innamorato executed a total administrative purge.

In late 2024, her transition team aggressively rolled out a centralized "Talent Bank" online portal. While advertised as a democratic tool for civic engagement, internal vetting filters were quietly used to disqualify independent or moderate institutional voices. In a single, synchronized action that shattered decades of staggered-term governance, Innamorato cleared the board, replacing eight sitting members en masse.

When the dust settled, the newly minted, younger Board of Health was packed not just with progressive activists, but with high-ranking corporate executives from the exact hospital system poised to benefit from maternity expansion:

Dr. Elizabeth Cuevas (Board Vice Chair): The active Division Chief for the Center for Inclusion Health at the Allegheny Health Network (AHN).

Dr. Margaret Larkins-Pettigrew: Senior Vice President and Chief Clinical Diversity Officer at AHN.

Dr. Iulia Vann (Health Department Director): A highly calculated national recruit brought in from North Carolina to steer the department's day-to-day regulatory enforcement.

The conflict of interest was immediate, institutional, and absolute. The very corporate officers whose hospital division budgets rely on capturing regional births were now holding the pens to rewrite the county health code.

Part II: The "Border Effect" and the $873 Million Extortion

The economic math behind the ordinance reveals a devastating reality for Western Pennsylvania’s small business economy. The mandate dictates that any employee who has been on a company's payroll for a mere 30 days is legally entitled to 18 weeks of 100% paid leave following a birth, adoption, or foster placement.

Based on Allegheny County's average annual worker wage of $66,390, a single parental leave claim forces an employer to pay out a baseline of $22,981.14 in direct cash out-of-pocket. Because the draft text is strictly gender-neutral, a household where both parents work for covered employers scales that immediate corporate liability to $45,962.28.

But the true genius of the trap lies in a geographic loophole known as the "Border Effect." Because local labor law dictates that eligibility is governed by where the labor is performed rather than where the worker resides, Allegheny County businesses are legally mandated to fund the parental leave of thousands of commuters driving in from the five surrounding border counties (Westmoreland, Butler, Washington, Beaver, and Armstrong).

The PA Department of Health tracks 11,305 resident live births within Allegheny County annually. But when you aggregate the birth metrics across the entire bordering commuter belt, the regional reproductive pool swells by an additional 7,692 annual births.When the full, multi-job holding, dual-parent household parameters of the ordinance are calculated, the absolute ceiling of private wealth exposed to this mandate reaches staggering heights:

THE REGIONAL PARENTAL LEAVE CEILING (MAX LIABILITY)

[Allegheny County Births: 11,305]
× Average 18-Week Wage ($22,981.14)
= $260,015,000.00 (Mothers Only)

[Border Commuter Births: 7,692]
× Average 18-Week Wage ($22,981.14)
= $176,770,928.88 (Mothers Only)

[The Dual-Parent Combined Total Regional Ceiling]
= $873,145,433.16 (Maximum Theoretical Corporate Hit, FOR NOW)

While independent restaurants, retail storefronts, and fixed-grant non-profits face immediate bankruptcy trying to absorb a $23,000 cash hit for a worker hired only four weeks prior, the county government takes on zero financial risk. Allegheny County has no local income tax. The county budget pulls in $0.00 in direct revenue from this near-billion-dollar corporate hit.

Instead, the flat 3.07% Pennsylvania state income tax ensures that the state treasury in Harrisburg quietly walks away with up to $26.8 million in a guaranteed tax windfall stripped directly out of the local economy.

Part III: Following the Cash to the Highmark Closed-Loop Monopoly

To understand why AHN executives would use their public health seats to force an $873 million hit on local employers, one must look at the fierce, multi-billion-dollar regional hospital war between UPMC and AHN. In modern healthcare economics, a birth is not a standard medical event—it is the holy grail of customer acquisition.

A routine delivery bills between $12,000 and $25,000. But the real margins are found in Neonatal Intensive Care Units (NICUs). A premature or medically complex infant staying in a Level II or Level III NICU costs between $3,000 and $5,000 per day, turning a single complex birth into a $70,000+ corporate invoice.

For a decade, AHN has spent hundreds of millions of dollars building a ring of steel around Allegheny County’s borders specifically designed to poach these lucrative maternity patients from UPMC.

They opened AHN Wexford Hospital directly on the Butler County line, explicitly anchoring it with a Level II NICU to capture affluent Cranberry families. They expanded AHN Forbes Hospital on the Westmoreland border and locked down a virtual monopoly in Beaver County via the Heritage Valley Health System integration.

The 18-week paid leave mandate is the final piece of the corporate puzzle, operating as a flawless closed-loop financial monopoly: The Innamorato Administration, backed by the independent expenditure campaigns and boots-on-the-ground political muscle of healthcare unions like the SEIU, uses its packed Board of Health to pass the 18-week mandate.

Private Employers are legally forced to fund 100% of their workers' salaries for nearly five months, ensuring expecting families experience zero drop in purchasing power or disposable income.

The Employers must simultaneously continue to pay monthly healthcare premiums to Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield to maintain the workers' commercial coverage during the leave.

The Fully Salaried, Fully Insured Workers utilize their extended time off to deliver at an AHN facility. Highmark (the insurance company) pays the massive delivery and NICU bills straight to AHN (the hospital network).

The capital never leaves the Highmark corporate ecosystem. Private businesses absorb 100% of the financial shock, the state skims the tax revenue, and Highmark uses a local public health ordinance to corporate-subsidize its multi-million-dollar maternity monopoly.

Part IV: The Reckoning Ahead

The political transaction is complete. The working-class and healthcare unions spent the dark money to build the political infrastructure. The administration used the "Talent Bank" to install the corporate health executives. And the corporate health executives drafted the health-code mandate designed to fill their own hospital beds with premium-paying patients.

But the cartel may have overplayed its hand. Following a historic wave of public backlash that generated over 1,400 explosive formal written comments from panicked small business owners, the Board of Health was forced to retreat, delaying its final vote until September 2026.

Behind the scenes, a coalition of restaurant, retail, and manufacturing defense firms is preparing a massive, multi-district corporate lawsuit. Their legal strategy targets the board's core vulnerability: Home Rule Overreach.

Corporate attorneys will argue in federal court that the Board of Health illegally abused its police powers, using a public health entity to enact a sweeping macroeconomic labor mandate that explicitly violates the boundaries of the Pennsylvania state framework.

The facade of progressive family altruism has evaporated. When the Board of Health convenes to vote, they will not be deciding on the welfare of Pittsburgh's infants. They will be voting on whether to rubber-stamp the largest institutional wealth transfer in the history of Southwestern Pennsylvania, underwritten by the survival of local small businesses and signed by the executives of Highmark Health.

THE PIEROGI PRESS“The crispy, doughy truth, pinched fresh daily.”POINT STATE PARK CROWNED  #1 FOURTH OF JULY DESTINATION...
05/28/2026

THE PIEROGI PRESS“The crispy, doughy truth, pinched fresh daily.

”POINT STATE PARK CROWNED #1 FOURTH OF JULY DESTINATION; PHILLY AND BOSTON LEFT SUCKING ON EXHAUST FUMES

POINT STATE PARK — In a stunning upset that has left the East Coast elite weeping into their clam chowder, Pittsburgh’s Independence Day Celebration was officially voted the #1 Best 4th of July Event in the USA TODAY 10BEST Readers' Choice Awards.

The Steel City completely obliterated traditional colonial heavyweights like Boston and Philadelphia. National judges specifically highlighted Pittsburgh’s "unique atmosphere," which locals know is a elegant euphemism for the heavy scent of sulfur, diesel fuel from passing barges, and Deep Woods OFF!

Slaying the Colonial Giants

The national recognition proves what Western Pennsylvanians have known for generations: watching fireworks explode over a muddy confluence of three rivers while eating a kielbasa on a soggy paper plate is peak American freedom."Boston can keep their tea party," said local resident Donnie "Two-Tone" Miller, while securing a prime viewing spot at the Point with an unmonitored lawn chair 38 days in advance.

"Did Paul Revere ride a pony down the Parkway East at 90 miles an hour to see Zambelli launch a mortar out of a barge? No. He didn’t. Sit dahn, Boston."

Philadelphia officials were reportedly unavailable for comment, though local analysts assume they are too busy dealing with the psychological trauma of losing a patriotism contest to a city that puts french fries on top of a salad.

The "Culinary Traditions" of Liberty

The USA TODAY feature lauded the event's "local culinary traditions," which experts confirm refers to the holy trinity of Pittsburgh festival gastronomy:The Pierogi Boat: Potato pockets drowning in enough melted butter to lubricate a U.S. Steel mill.The Chipped Ham Hoagie: Paper-thin meat stacked high enough to block the view of the fireworks.The Multi-Purpose Iron City Beer: Serving as both a refreshing beverage and a makeshift ice pack for sunburns.

Safety Advocates Terrified of "Peak Yinzer" Energy

While city officials are popping bottles of cheap champagne, local safety advocates are utterly terrified. Experts warn that crowning Pittsburgh as the undisputed king of fireworks will only supercharge the local populace's existing obsession with pyrotechnics."We are deeply concerned," said Fire Marshal Bob Burns.

"Giving yinzers the #1 ranking is like giving a toddler a flame thrower. We are already bracing for residents in Carrick, Brookline, and the North Side to view this national title as a legal mandate to launch commercial-grade M-80s from their 4-foot-wide wooden decks.

"Reports are already surfacing of local grandpap’s modifying their backyard grills to launch illegal Roman candles over their neighbors' pools to "properly defend the title."

Bring Back the Regatta! If We Can Handle 805,000 NFL Fans, We Can Handle 80 Motorized Bathtubs!By"Potato" Pete Varchol |...
05/05/2026

Bring Back the Regatta! If We Can Handle 805,000 NFL Fans, We Can Handle 80 Motorized Bathtubs!

By"Potato" Pete Varchol | Senior River Silt & Logistics Correspondent

DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — It’s been just over a week since the 2026 NFL Draft packed our streets with a record-shattering 805,000 attendees. We’ve officially proven that this city can move a small nation’s worth of people between the North Shore and Point State Park without the whole place sliding into the Monongahela. So, the editorial board of The Pierogi Press has one question for city officials: What’s your excuse for the Regatta now?

The Logistics Gap: Draft vs. Regatta

For years, the Three Rivers Regatta has been stuck in a "Great Dry Spell," sidelined by missing permits and insurance nightmares. We were told the logistics were too complex. But in April 2026, we managed 320,000 people on a single Thursday. If we can coordinate a global broadcast and a 72-hour river shutdown for a football draft, we can definitely handle a guy named Donny trying to jump a ramp on a Sea Doo.

Economic Impact: The "Big Game" vs. The "Big Boat"

Let’s look at the numbers. While the NFL Draft brought an estimated $160 million in regional impact, local businesses in some areas reported a significant drop in sales as crowds stayed trapped inside the high-security "Draft Campus".

The Regatta, by contrast, was built for the locals. It didn't require a $19 million public investment just to see a first-round pick. It only required a few F1 powerboats and a $8 funnel cake. While the Draft was a global commercial, the Regatta was our local backyard party.

The River Deserves Better Than Silence

Currently, the most exciting thing on the water is the Gateway Clipper or the occasional barge carrying coal. While industrial heritage is nice, coal barges rarely attempt the "Anything That Floats" race. We need the chaos back. We need to see a raft made of Iron City cans and old pallets sink within ten feet of the shore—that’s not a failure; it’s a Pittsburgh rite of passage.

The Official "Pierogi Press" Demand List:

The Return of F1 Powerboats: If the roar of engines doesn't drown out the sound of tunnel traffic, is it even summer?

Sunburn Equity: We need a reason to stand on the hot concrete and get a burn in the shape of the Fort Pitt Bridge.

NFL-Level Efficiency: If we can track 800,000 fans via app, we can certainly track a bathtub powered by a lawnmower engine.

Mayor, Council—bring back the boats. We’ve already done the hard part with the Draft; now let us have the fun we actually miss.

The Pierogi Press: Breaking News“Yinz Believe This?”: 320,000 People Descend on Dahntahn for NFL Draft; Local Parking Ch...
04/24/2026

The Pierogi Press: Breaking News

“Yinz Believe This?”: 320,000 People Descend on Dahntahn for NFL Draft; Local Parking Chair Market Hits Record Highs

NORTH SHORE, PGH — In a scene described by locals as "worse than the Liberty Tunnel at rush hour but with more hope," the first night of the 2026 NFL Draft kicked off Thursday night, transforming the city into a sea of Black and Gold, punctuated by the occasional confused Raiders fan.

With the Las Vegas Raiders taking Indiana QB Fernando Mendoza at No. 1, the real drama wasn't on the stage at the North Shore theater, but rather in the streets where an estimated 320,00 visitors reportedly spent three hours trying to find a parking spot that didn't already have a weathered kitchen chair in it.

A Night of "Almosts" and Offensive Tackles

The vibe in the Steelers Country fan zone at Point State Park was "peak Yinzer". Fans reportedly greeted national broadcasts with a spirited, NSFW "anti-Philly" chant, a local tradition as sacred as putting fries on a salad.

The atmosphere turned briefly "sour" when the Philadelphia Eagles reportedly leapfrogged the Steelers to snag USC wideout Makai Lemon, literally while the Steelers were on the phone with him.

Following the snub, Omar Khan did what every true Pittsburgher does when they can’t get the "flashy" thing they want: he bought more steel. With the 21st pick, the Steelers selected Max Iheanachor, a literal diamond in the rough! Max is an offensive tackle whose ceiling is as high as the Cathedral of Learning. Standing a massive 6-foot-6 and weighing 321 pounds, Iheanachor is a rare athletic specimen who didn't even start playing organized football until 2021, yet he has already developed into a dominant force that didn't allow a single sack during his entire 2025 senior season at Arizona State.

His soccer and basketball background has gifted him with "basketball feet" and elite lateral quickness, evidenced by his blazing 4.91-second 40-yard dash—the second-fastest for any offensive lineman at the combine. Head Coach Mike McCarthy has already praised his "strike and stick" ability and surreal balance, noting that he possesses the rare "position flex" needed to anchor a young offensive line.

This isn't just a depth pick; it’s a high-upside investment in a "traits-heavy" tackle who has the potential to become a perennial All-Pro as he continues to master the technical nuances of the game. Rumor has it, Max is already being sized up for a custom-built Primanti's hoagie.

Draft Night Quick Stats
Feature Details
Attendance Record-breaking 500,000+ fans
Main Stage North Shore (Acrisure Stadium area)
Fan Festival Point State Park (The "Steelers Country" zone)
Steelers Pick Max Iheanachor (OT, Arizona State) at No. 21
Local Hero The Roberto Clemente Bridge, the only thing holding the city together

Local Impact: "Jeet Jet?"

As the first round concluded, the Taste of Pittsburgh vendors reported a 400% increase in pierogi consumption, though several visiting fans from Vegas were seen asking where the "shrimp cocktail" was. They were promptly directed to the nearest Bud Light Beer Hall and told to "go redd up" their attitudes.

The city’s public schools moved classes online for the event, a move parents celebrated as it allowed children to learn the valuable life lesson of how to properly boo Roger Goodell from the comfort of their own living rooms.

Tonight's Forecast: Rounds 2 and 3 begin at 7 p.m. ET. Expect more draft picks, more Wiz Khalifa on the speakers, and at least three more "Jagoff" sightings near the Fort Duquesne Bridge.

THE PIEROGI PRESSServing the Hottest Takes and the Heaviest Dough since 2026STEEL CITY BRACES FOR NFL DRAFT: NORTH SHORE...
04/23/2026

THE PIEROGI PRESS
Serving the Hottest Takes and the Heaviest Dough since 2026

STEEL CITY BRACES FOR NFL DRAFT: NORTH SHORE DECLARED A "NO-FLY ZONE" FOR NON-AUTHENTIC CONDIMENTS

PITTSBURGH, PA — The 2026 NFL Draft has officially descended upon the Steel City today, April 23, transforming the North Shore and Point State Park into a 4-million-square-foot gridiron carnival. While thousands of fans are expected to swarm the NFL Draft Experience at Point State Park, local officials are more concerned with the true high-stakes selection: which pierogi filling will be taken #1 overall at the concession stands.

As of 8:00 AM, the Parkway West was reportedly flowing with an "unsettling smoothness," as thousands of downtown workers followed city advice to stay home, presumably to avoid being drafted into a conversation about why the Fort Pitt Tunnel still "mystifies locals" with its inexplicable daily gridlock.

The Key Draft Stats:

The Main Stage: Nestled outside Acrisure Stadium, the Draft Theater is currently a "natural amphitheater" of neon lights and questionable fashion choices.

The Rivalries: In a move of peak Pittsburgh pettiness, Steelers President Art Rooney II reportedly convinced the league to move Baltimore Ravens fans so they wouldn't be sitting in front of the home crowd.

The Entertainment: Locals are split on whether they’re more excited for the first-round picks or the Friday night double-bill of Wiz Khalifa and Bret Michaels—a lineup that finally answers the question: "What if 2010 never ended?".

Meanwhile, North Side business owners have spent the morning battling "unauthorized" no-parking signs, which many suspect were placed by residents protecting their sacred right to a parking chair. "If an NFL prospect tries to park in front of my house without a permit, I don't care how fast his 40-yard dash is," said one resident who wished to remain anonymous while clutching a Terrible Towel. "That chair stays.".

For those attending, the NFL OnePass app is required for entry, though it currently lacks a feature to help you navigate the "PicksBURGH" music crawl after three Bud Lights.

The draft kicks off tonight at 8:00 p.m. ET, but the real winners are already the street vendors selling pierogi bobbleheads to tourists who think "yinz" is a typo.

"Draft-y Dahntahn: Stillers Nation Redds Up for the Big Pick"The year is 2026, and the NFL Draft has officially descende...
04/21/2026

"Draft-y Dahntahn: Stillers Nation Redds Up for the Big Pick"

The year is 2026, and the NFL Draft has officially descended upon Pittsburgh. The city has prepared for this "once in a lifetime" event by doing the most Pittsburgh thing possible: treating it like a three-day St. Patrick’s Day parade fueled entirely by Iron City beer and Pierogi-shaped adrenaline.

By Thursday morning, the North Shore is a sea of black and gold. A giant 20-foot countdown clock near Acrisure Stadium—celebrating the city’s 90 neighborhoods—finally hits zero, and the chaos begins. Local "Yinzers" have already staked out the best spots on the Roberto Clemente Bridge, which has been turned into a pedestrian-only fan corridor, likely the only place in the city where you can walk faster than the traffic on the Parkway East.

The satire of the weekend unfolds in several "PicksBURGH" layers:

The Commute: With Pittsburgh Public Schools switching to remote learning to keep buses off the road, the city’s children are essentially being "drafted" into domestic labor. Meanwhile, visitors are told to use the "T" light rail for free, only to discover that a "free ride" in Pittsburgh usually involves three transfers and ending up in a neighborhood they didn't know existed.

The Economy: Local entrepreneurs are making a "quick honest buck" by renting out parking spaces for $500 or charging $100 an hour for lawn chairs. In the South Side, tourists are wandering East Carson Street looking for "authentic" experiences, which mostly involve avoiding eye contact with the local wildlife at 2:00 a.m.

The Experience: At Point State Park, the NFL Draft Experience offers fans the chance to run a 40-yard dash against a digital LED wall. Legend has it that one local fan beat the record by imagining he was running toward a Primanti’s sandwich that was about to close.

The Stage: The Draft Theater on the North Shore is so elaborate that the city reportedly removed over 100 trees to build it. Critics call it "environmental satire," but the Steelers promise to replace them with 100 statues of Art Rooney.

The Music: The entertainment lineup is a fever dream of local pride: Wiz Khalifa and Bret Michaels performing a double-bill that bridges the gap between "Black and Yellow" and "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" for a crowd that thinks both songs are the national anthem.

As Commissioner Roger Goodell walks onto the stage to a chorus of "Yoi!" and "Double Yoi!", he is greeted not with boos, but with 700,000 Terrible Towels creating a windstorm powerful enough to blow the Gateway Clipper fleet off course.

BREAKING: Pittsburgh Declares "Emergency Yinzer State," Stocks Up on Ketchup and PierogisPITTSBURGH — The Pierogi Press ...
04/17/2026

BREAKING: Pittsburgh Declares "Emergency Yinzer State," Stocks Up on Ketchup and Pierogis

PITTSBURGH — The Pierogi Press has learned that local authorities have officially raised the "Jagoff Advisory" to code orange, ironically, the only orange allowed in the city as the Pittsburgh Penguins (41-25-16) prepare to host the Philadelphia Flyers (43-27-12) for Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs this Saturday.

With the Penguins back in the postseason for the first time in four years and the Flyers snapping a six-year drought, experts predict a 400% increase in the consumption of Iron City beer and a significant drop in state-wide productivity.

The "Battle of Pennsylvania" Survival Guide: A Wager of Constitutional Proportions

In a move that could permanently alter the dignity of the Commonwealth, Governor Josh Shapiro and Plum native Pat McAfee have entered a blood-pact bet:

The Penguin Payoff: If Pittsburgh wins, the Governor (a closet Flyers fan) must wear a tank top to his next press conference.

The Philly Penalty: If Philadelphia pulls off the upset, McAfee has vowed to wear a full three-piece suit on his show, a prospect fans fear may lead to his immediate physical rejection by the city of Pittsburgh.

Tactical Analysis: Old Guard vs. Orange Chaos

The "Dad" Factor: Captain Sidney Crosby enters the series as the statistical "Daddy" of the Flyers franchise. Rumors that he plans to celebrate Game 1 by claiming the entire city of Philadelphia as a dependent on his taxes remain unconfirmed. Sid is also reportedly "licking his chops" at the prospect of facing the team that has historically served as his favorite punching bag.

The Michkov Menace: Philly is pinning its hopes on rookie sensation Matvei Michkov. Penguins veterans have reportedly countered this by leaving a trail of outdated rotary phones and Sears catalogs outside his hotel to confuse the young "Zoomer."

Flyers forward Sean Couturier, the only member of the roster who actually remembers their last home playoff win against Pittsburgh (way back in 2012), will likely be tasked with following Crosby into the restrooms just to keep the pressure on.

Coaching Conflict: Former Penguin Rick Tocchet is now leading the Flyers. Sources say he’s struggled to adjust, occasionally accidentally ordering a Primanti’s sandwich before remembering he's supposed to pretend to like Cheese Whiz.

The "Turnpike of Terror" Schedule:

Game 1: Saturday, April 18, 8:00 PM at PPG Paints Arena.
Game 2: Monday, April 20, 7:00 PM at PPG Paints Arena.
Game 3: Wednesday, April 22, 7:00 PM at Xfinity Mobile Arena.

The Pierogi Press Prediction:

The Penguins are favored, but the Flyers have "Grit." In Pittsburgh, "Grit" is just something we use to keep from slipping on the sidewalk in February. Bust out the Brooms!

Address

Millvale
Pittsburgh, PA
15209

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when The Pierogi Press posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share