30/04/2022
Cutting the bu****it.
(Long post not sorry)
Six weeks ago I experienced my first panic attack, which turned into multiple hospital visits and excruciating pain that never seemed to end. I went from being completely medication free to prescribed 5+ anti anxiety and sedation medications, which made me extremely embarrassed.
I went from thinking I could take on the world and maintain my stress by being high functioning, to barely being able to take care of myself.
All of this stemming from control, and the ignorance of not listening to my body. Working 12+ hour days until 2am, trying to fill my plate to distract my anxiety, and indulging in all the things my body was tired of (excessive weekend drinking, creating excuses for working out, eating junk, holding grudges, and so much more).
Through my healing journey I’ve managed to find the silver linings through the hell of it all — which there was genuinely a point where I believed I had died and was in hell. That was not a fun experience, in case you’re curious.
Among my many self-care rituals I’ve taken part in over the last 6 weeks, I came across a meditation that spoke this poem.
I’m the most controlling person I know. Without control I become aggressive and angry. When my body decided to take over these past few weeks, I was forced to release my control.
I’ve been sober for 6 weeks now, have been nourishing my body through yoga, breath work, and meditation. I’ve set strong boundaries with work and go to bed with my fiancé. I limit my screen time. I value my time and love with my friends and family from and entirely different perspective, and a lot of walls have been broken down.
Being forced to lose control has showed me that not everything is a loss. Pain is temporary. And everything is meant to happen for a reason.
Remember to take a break, before your body does it for you. Be gracious with yourself. 🤍
& if you’re tagged in this post, it’s because you have helped me in more ways than I can repay you. Love u & mean it.
