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THIS IS AMAZING NEWS 🏳️‍🌈 in a bold move combining cultural reparations and performative allyship, the U.S. government ...
06/24/2025

THIS IS AMAZING NEWS 🏳️‍🌈

in a bold move combining cultural reparations and performative allyship, the U.S. government has announced the complete demolition of Mount Rushmore to make room for a new monument: Two Native American Leaders Kissing Passionately in Honor of Pride Month. The Department of Interior released a statement praising the project as “a necessary intersection of decolonization and federal horniness,” assuring citizens that the new sculpture will be “at least 30% more inclusive and 75% more tongue.” While tribal leaders were not consulted, White House officials said they plan to “circle back” after the ribbon-cutting ceremony, which will include a drag performance atop Sitting Bull’s lovingly rendered cheekbone. Early renderings show the two heads gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, mouths slightly open, ready to smooch their way into what the National Park Service now calls “erotic healing.”

Guy with pony tail works out at local park instead of going to gym . That’s a good place to get pump on for sure.
06/19/2025

Guy with pony tail works out at local park instead of going to gym . That’s a good place to get pump on for sure.

PORTLAND, OR In what officials are calling a “deeply conflicted moment of national hypocrisy,” an ICE agent in Portland ...
06/13/2025

PORTLAND, OR

In what officials are calling a “deeply conflicted moment of national hypocrisy,” an ICE agent in Portland detained an undocumented immigrant Tuesday morning—only to release him minutes later upon realizing the man was his longtime landscaper. The agent reportedly began the arrest before pausing mid-handcuff, mumbling, “Wait a second... didn’t you build my deck?” The landscaper, identified only as “Miguel,” had in fact constructed the agent’s entire back patio two summers ago for the modest price of $20 and two lukewarm Coronas. “He’s got magic hands, man,” said the agent, who immediately removed the cuffs and handed Miguel back his w**d wacker, asking if he could “trim around the hydrangeas, too.” ICE leadership has declined to comment, though sources confirm the agent has since asked Miguel about building a pergola “if he’s not too busy dodging deportation.”

As flames engulfed a nearby car and chaos unfolded around him, one LA protester faced the night’s most harrowing moral d...
06/11/2025

As flames engulfed a nearby car and chaos unfolded around him, one LA protester faced the night’s most harrowing moral dilemma: which flag to torch for the most clout. Clad in black with a mask tight enough to say “I’m edgy but still care about my skin,” the man stood in deep thought, weighing the U.S. flag, the Marine Corps flag, and the Pride flag like a woke version of The Bachelor. “I just don’t want to offend the wrong group while I’m trying to offend the right group,” he muttered, while his friend livestreamed the existential crisis to a lukewarm audience of 37 viewers. Witnesses say he was “visibly torn between relevance and righteousness,” eventually settling on doing nothing—because indecision, after all, is the most on-brand move for the performatively outraged

06/10/2025

A rare benefit of food inflation. 👍

a stunning display of bureaucratic confusion, government officials are reportedly scratching their heads over who should...
06/10/2025

a stunning display of bureaucratic confusion, government officials are reportedly scratching their heads over who should collect unemployment benefits after dozens of protesters were arrested during recent demonstrations in Los Angeles. With many of those detained now out of work — or at least out of public view — agencies are struggling to determine if arrested protesters qualify for the usual benefits or if their criminal records complicate matters. Meanwhile, the protesters themselves are reportedly less concerned with paperwork and more focused on planning the next demonstration. Officials say this unexpected dilemma has sparked intense debates in offices nationwide, with some suggesting the situation is “a perfect example of modern government efficiency.

PORTLAND, OR — A local man collapsed in Pioneer Courthouse Square Tuesday afternoon, prompting a crowd of onlookers to e...
06/07/2025

PORTLAND, OR — A local man collapsed in Pioneer Courthouse Square Tuesday afternoon, prompting a crowd of onlookers to erupt into applause, assuming it was an avant-garde street performance titled "Op**te Odyssey." Witnesses say the man fell to the ground with “deep emotional commitment” and “authentic convulsions,” leading several bystanders to throw dollar bills and kombucha at his feet in appreciation. “It was raw. Gritty. Definitely commentary on the healthcare system,” said one onlooker while va**ng lavender. Paramedics arrived ten minutes later to actual concern once someone noticed he wasn’t selling stickers or handing out zines. Portland officials are reminding residents: if someone is foaming at the mouth and not juggling, it’s probably not art.

North Korea says new missile is capable of reaching mainland U.S. in 30 business days.
05/19/2025

North Korea says new missile is capable of reaching mainland U.S. in 30 business days.

Portland, OR — A heated encounter at a Dutch Bros drive-thru escalated when an elderly man in a pickup truck shouted “Ge...
05/18/2025

Portland, OR — A heated encounter at a Dutch Bros drive-thru escalated when an elderly man in a pickup truck shouted “Get a real job!” at a young barista working the window. Witnesses say the barista, who calmly responded that she holds down three jobs and still can’t afford her own room, appeared visibly shaken by the outburst. The incident highlights growing generational tensions over work, wages, and the cost of living. Dutch Bros has not yet commented, but the clip has since gone viral, sparking debate online about respect for service workers.

In a bold new move blending military occupation with short-term hospitality, Israel has announced it will control 70% of...
05/18/2025

In a bold new move blending military occupation with short-term hospitality, Israel has announced it will control 70% of the Gaza Strip, while converting the remaining 30% into "quaint, war-torn Airbnb experiences for adventurous travelers."

A spokesperson for the Israeli government stated, "We're reimagining conflict zones as immersive vacation destinations. Why just read about geopolitical turmoil when you can sleep in it?"

The new listings on Airbnb boast “authentic rubble-chic interiors,” panoramic views of surveillance drones, and optional add-ons like “complimentary bottled water and occasional shelling.”

The first American influencer to book a stay described the visit as “gritty, raw, and perfect for my feed,” adding that the sound of distant artillery was “actually kinda relaxing.”

Palestinian families previously living in the newly listed homes were unavailable for comment, as their internet access was bombed last Tuesday.

Israel says the next phase may involve adding a pool — assuming there's any water left.

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