04/28/2026
Dear Muslims of the USA šŗšø
My family and I have decided to move to a Muslim country. We havenāt picked which one yet ā weāre still shopping for the best benefits package.
Obviously, all my neighbours want to come too. And their neighbours. And their mates. And their matesā mates. Before you know it, half of the US šŗšøwill be turning up with suitcases and a vague sense of entitlement.
As a large Christian community, weāll need a few small adjustments:
Please start building churches immediately. Proper ones with bells. Loud bells.
Weāll also need certain streets closed once a year for our processions. Donāt worry, itās not five times a day ā weāre not animals.
Every supermarket must stock proper pork, bacon, sausages, and baked beans. We are a minority now, so youāll just have to be understanding and accommodating of our way of life.
Weāre bringing all the dogs. Expect many happy Labradors and Staffs s**tting on your pavements. Youāll need dog parks, and youāll need to smile while we walk them past your mosques.
While weāre at it, your religious holidays are a bit⦠much. They might offend the Christian community, so weād appreciate it if you could quietly bin them. Thanks.
In schools and workplaces, our children and staff must be allowed to wear large crucifixes, eat ham sandwiches in the canteen, and generally radiate Christian vibes without anyone clutching their pearls. We also demand prayer rooms in every building, plus translators because we canāt be bothered learning Arabic.
If any of this is refused, please send a list of police station addresses so we can report you for discrimination,christianophobia , and general nastiness.
One more thing: if my kids burn your flag because the US just won at football, please be understanding. Iāll give them a really stern telling-off. Maybe even make them write āsorryā 50 times.
Finally, weād like generous benefits, free housing, and pocket money while we āintegrateā over the next three generations. Work is optional, obviously also, we wish to drink alcohol and occasionally gamble on the horses. And in good weather we like to go topless. Please bear with us. You will get used to it.
Appreciate your tolerance in advance. After all, diversity is our strength!
Yours faithfully,
A Very Reasonable Christian
šššš