The Santiam Scoop

08/05/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not the real news, but real close.

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“Mom’s Milk, Now in a Cone”: Breast Milk-Flavored Ice Cream Hits Market, Humanity Officially Out of Ideas

By: The Scoop Staff
August 5, 2025

In what may be the most Freudian dessert release in American history, baby gear brand Frida has teamed up with ice cream chain OddFellows to launch a breast milk-flavored ice cream.

No, it doesn’t contain actual breast milk. Yes, it still manages to haunt the soul.

The flavor, which Frida claims “captures the sweetness and complexity of real breast milk,” is part of a marketing stunt to sell their new manual breast pump. Because when you think motherhood, exhaustion, and cracked ni***es, your next logical thought is ice cream.

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Tasting Notes from the Abyss

The ice cream is described as:

“Sweet, nutty, slightly salty”

Dyed yellow to resemble colostrum, aka “liquid gold,” aka “first-time mom horror movie prop”

Infused with protein, lactose, Omega‑3s, vitamins, and regrets

Frida swears it’s designed to mirror the actual nutritional profile of breast milk, but with salted caramel and honey syrup for those who like their existential dread with a hint of dessert.

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Available Now, Because No One Said “Stop”

The ice cream launched at an OddFellows shop in Brooklyn, where New Yorkers can line up between noon and 1 p.m. to experience something that sounds more like a dare than a treat.

If you’re not in New York but still want to scar your tastebuds, don’t worry — it’s available online for $12.99 a pint. Two-pint minimum. One-pint dignity maximum.

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Reactions Range from Curious to CPS-Calling

The internet had thoughts:

“Breast milk ice cream? I didn’t even want to know what kale tasted like as a kid.”

“This feels like it should be illegal in 13 states and Utah.”

“I’ve tasted my own breast milk. This isn’t it. This is a lie in a carton.”

“Honestly? Not bad. If you can get past the therapy bills.”

Frida, for their part, insists that it’s “normalizing” the conversation around breastfeeding. Critics argue it’s doing more to normalize dessert-based psychosis.

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Marketing or Mad Science?

Frida claims it’s not just about sales — it’s about awareness. But let’s be honest: If the only way to get people talking about breast pumps is to release mother-flavored dairy, maybe it’s time to reexamine the marketing team’s decision tree.

One anonymous source inside Frida reportedly said, “We were going to do a tote bag giveaway, but someone brought mushroom coffee to the pitch meeting and this is what we ended up with.”

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Final Thoughts from The Scoop

This is the dessert equivalent of catching your parents doing something you can’t unsee. It’s clever, unsettling, and somehow kind of impressive in a society that has monetized every last drop of human experience — literally.

Next up: Placenta pudding? Umbilical churros? Afterbirth beer?
We say bring it on. Just don’t bring it to our freezer.

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Disclaimer:
This article is satire. The Santiam Scoop is Not the real news, but real close. We are not affiliated with Frida, OddFellows, breast pumps, or dairy trauma.
All quotes, outrage, and digestive side effects are fictitious… probably.

08/04/2025

THE SANTIAM SCOOP
News That Bites Back

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Danish Zoo Now Accepting Your Kid’s Unwanted Bunny as Predator Chow

By The Santiam Scoop Staff
August 4, 2025

AALBORG, DENMARK — Tired of caring for your kid’s pandemic-era guinea pig? Has Sparkles the rabbit overstayed her welcome? Well, a Danish zoo has the perfect solution: feed them to the lions.

The Aalborg Zoo is making headlines—and raising eyebrows—with a public plea for unwanted small pets (and yes, even horses) to be donated as food for its captive predators. In a social media post that read more like a Craigslist ad than a conservation pitch, the zoo encouraged citizens to drop off their surplus rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, or "lightly used" ponies to help satisfy the carnivorous cravings of its resident predators.

“We believe in full-circle sustainability,” the zoo stated. “Why throw away a perfectly good hamster when you can make a tiger’s day?”

According to zoo officials, animals are “gently euthanized by trained staff” before being served up as predator pâté. The practice, they claim, promotes “natural behavior, nutrition and well-being” for lions, wolves, and other meat-loving residents of the zoo.

While small critters are more of a snack-sized donation, horses are apparently the main course—and come with a Danish tax deduction. That’s right: donate your old mare, and Uncle Sam—er, Uncle Olaf—might just give you a little financial pat on the back.

Not everyone is thrilled. Animal rights advocates have already fired up their keyboards, calling the practice “ethically questionable” and asking whether Aunt Cheryl’s emotional support rabbit really needs to become cougar kibble.

Still, the zoo stands by its carnivore cuisine policy, arguing that it’s far more ethical and environmentally friendly than importing frozen prey or tossing away perfectly edible animals.

Aalborg residents are now left asking themselves:

Is it better to rehome Fluffy… or to make her part of the circle of life?

And how do you explain to your child that their hamster “went to live at the zoo”—and became lunch?

Legal Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not intended to provide veterinary, ethical, or parenting advice. The Santiam Scoop is not responsible for any awkward conversations with your children regarding Flopsy’s final destination.

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07/31/2025

Do you flash your headlights to warn other drivers of an upcoming hazard in the road?

07/29/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.
July 29, 2025

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Protesters Sue Building for Hurting Their Feelings—Multnomah Justice Center Accused of Being a “Symbol of Oppression”

By Riley Thistlebrush | Urban Outrage Correspondent

PORTLAND, OR — In what may be the first case of a government building being charged with emotional assault, protesters in Portland have filed a legal complaint against the Multnomah County Justice Center, claiming the mere sight of the courthouse gives them migraines, flashbacks, and a “vibe of injustice.”

The grievance was reignited after President Donald J. Trump, now in his second term and still tweeting exclusively in all caps via a knockoff app called “TRUTH2,” reinstated a federal policy allowing ICE agents to make arrests in and around courthouses nationwide.

The lawsuit, filed by a coalition of activist groups, interpretive dancers, and one guy who thinks he's still in 2020, argues that the Justice Center is not just a building, but an “active aggressor” and “emotional landmine” planted in the heart of downtown.

“This isn’t just architecture—it’s trauma in brick form,” said protest organizer Rain Ember (pronouns: sigh/whatever), standing on a milk crate outside the building while reciting spoken-word indictments against the judicial system.

The demands include:

Transforming the Justice Center into a “Restorative Vibes Pavilion”

Weekly breathwork sessions for former defendants

Banning marble interiors due to their “cold, oppressive aesthetic”

City officials say they’re taking the allegations seriously but admit they’re still unclear how to prosecute a building. “The courthouse doesn’t have a lawyer, but it’s been here longer than most of us, so I think it qualifies as a tenant,” said one legal aide nervously sipping kombucha behind bulletproof glass.

In response to the lawsuit, President Trump issued a statement from a golf course surrounded by Secret Service and custom red hats:

> “Portland is crying again. Build the wall—around that courthouse, maybe make it a prison for feelings.”

When asked if the protests would be peaceful, organizers confirmed there would be chanting, spontaneous performance art, and “only symbolic window smashing.”

Mayor Ana Soggy-Windbreaker released a statement saying, “We hear the community’s trauma, and we’ll be forming a task force to emotionally audit all buildings erected before 1997.”

Legal Disclaimer:
The Santiam Scoop is a satirical news publication. All characters and events—even those based on real people—are entirely fictionalized for humorous purposes. No granite slabs were emotionally damaged during the writing of this article.

07/29/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.
July 29, 2025

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PETA Declares War on Boiling Water: Lobster Rights Movement Reaches Boiling Point

By Red Feather Donahue | Senior Seafood Morality Correspondent

In a move that sent shockwaves through coastal kitchens and seafood festivals across the nation, PETA has officially declared war on boiling water.

The animal rights organization filed a lawsuit this week against Maine’s popular Maine Lobster Festival, accusing organizers of engaging in “acts of culinary cruelty” by steaming lobsters alive during the event’s headline attraction: eating them.

According to the 47-page filing—half of which is footnoted with lobster poetry and sentient shellfish testimonials—PETA alleges that boiling lobsters constitutes a violation of their rights to life, liberty, and a buttery death.

“Just because they scream silently doesn’t mean they aren’t crying,” said PETA’s lead attorney, Shelly Crustacean, during a press conference held near a decorative tank of now-rescued lobsters wearing protest buttons.

The lawsuit seeks to ban live lobster steaming at the festival and instead mandates a "spa-style euthanasia suite," where lobsters will be lulled into eternal slumber with Enya music and chamomile steam.

Festival organizers seemed baffled by the lawsuit, noting that the event has been steaming crustaceans longer than TikTok has been steaming brains.

“Next they’ll be asking us to offer group therapy for shrimp cocktail,” said Chuck Butterman, longtime festival volunteer and part-time bib distributor. “It’s a lobster boil, not a spa retreat.”

PETA’s demands include:

No more live steaming or boiling.

Mandatory consent forms signed by lobsters (or claw prints).

Emotional support therapists on-site for festival attendees experiencing lobster-related guilt.

In an attempt to compromise, organizers offered a “vegan lobster roll” alternative made entirely from carrot shavings, flaxseed, and tears of regret. It was promptly rejected by festivalgoers, who described the texture as “like chewing through a yoga mat dipped in seawater.”

PETA has also launched a public awareness campaign titled “Boil No More,” featuring dramatic commercials narrated by Morgan Freeman and starring animated lobsters reading their wills.

When asked how far the organization planned to go in protecting shellfish rights, Crustacean responded, “If we can save just one lobster from a bubbling pot, we’ve done our job. Next, we’re coming for clam chowder.”

Legal Disclaimer:
The Santiam Scoop is a satirical publication. No lawsuits were harmed in the making of this article. The views expressed herein are purely fictional, absurd, and should under no circumstances be confused with actual journalism. For real news, consult someone with a press pass and a healthy respect for boiling water.

07/29/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.

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FAMILY SUES AFTER BREMERTON OTTER ATTACK: PORT ACCUSED OF HARBORING AQUATIC MENACES

BREMERTON, WASHINGTON — July 29, 2025
What started as a charming day dockside turned into a scene from a nature documentary directed by Quentin Tarantino, after a rogue river otter allegedly dragged a toddler into the water like some kind of fuzzy pirate.

The child survived, the otter fled, and now the family is suing the Port of Bremerton for allegedly ignoring an infestation of aggressive, uninvited marina squatters with whiskers and a vendetta.

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ANIMAL PLANET MEETS COURT TV

On September 12, 2024, two-year-old daughter of marina resident Travyn Schiffner was walking on E Dock when a river otter lunged, pulled her into the water, and bit her mother during the rescue attempt. The otter then reportedly chased the fleeing family down the dock like it was reenacting a deleted scene from Jaws: Cuter, Angrier Edition.

Now, Schiffner has filed a complaint in Kitsap County Superior Court, claiming the Port knew about the otters, knew they were aggressive, and still let them run a feral fur cartel out of derelict boats like tiny waterfront warlords.

> “You expect fish guts and the occasional drunk seagull,” Schiffner allegedly said. “You don’t expect your toddler to be yeeted into the sea by an otter with unresolved issues.”

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THE EVIDENCE: EMAILS, FISH GUTS, AND ABSENT BOAT OWNERS

The complaint cites multiple prior warnings to the Port:

In Sept 2023, port staff acknowledged the otter problem.

In Oct 2023, tenants complained about docks smeared with “fish guts and feces” (not a tourism slogan anyone’s using yet).

In Nov 2023, one boat was described as “otter-infested and foul” — which, coincidentally, is also the name of our next punk band.

Port officials allegedly responded to complaints with emails to the boat’s missing owner — a time-honored administrative tactic known as “ghost emailing someone who ghosted your marina.”

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DAMAGES DEMANDED: MEDICAL BILLS, THERAPY, AND PERHAPS A SHARK CAGE STROLLER

According to court documents:

Both mother and child were bitten, required rabies shots, and now suffer emotional trauma, including nightmares and behavioral regression.

The family is seeking damages for medical expenses, emotional distress, and the small matter of being chased by a furry torpedo with teeth.

A jury trial has been requested to determine exactly how much an otter ambush is worth in 2025 dollars.

The Port of Bremerton declined to comment, possibly because they were still Googling “How litigious can an otter bite make you?”

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THE AFTERMATH: TRAPS, EUTHANASIA, AND THE RETURN OF PEACE (PROBABLY)

Following the 2024 incident, the Department of Fish and Wildlife and USDA Wildlife Services trapped and euthanized the otters. Their remains were tested for rabies and toxic levels of spite.

No further otter incidents have been reported since — probably because word got out in the otter community that Bremerton has zero chill when it comes to waterfront bitey-ness.

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LOCAL REACTION: SYMPATHY, SHOCK, AND MILD PARANOIA

“I’ve been saying for years they were up to something,” muttered one longtime boater.
Another claimed the otters once hissed at him for using the hose “without permission.”
A third neighbor simply asked, “Is this going to affect slip fees?”

Meanwhile, some locals are demanding posted warnings for wildlife. Suggestions include:

“Caution: Dock May Be Slippery or Under Siege”

“Otters Present – Not the Cute Kind”

“Beware of Floating Fangs”

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DISCLAIMER:
The Santiam Scoop is a satirical publication. All quotes not from public record are fictitious and for entertainment only. We do not legally accuse any actual otters of conspiracy, nor do we represent aquatic mammals in court. That said, if your child gets pulled into the sea by a mammal you didn’t invite, you probably deserve more than a shrug and a dead-end email chain.

07/29/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.

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IDAHO MAN MISTAKES HOUSE CAT FOR MOUNTAIN LION, CALLS 911 — SHERIFF BLAMES ZOOM LENS AND ZOOM MEETINGS

TWIN FALLS, IDAHO — July 28, 2025
In an incident that will haunt a Ring doorbell feed for years, a local man has ignited a social media firestorm — and a minor wildlife panic — after mistaking a neighborhood tabby cat for a full-grown mountain lion.

Emergency dispatchers confirmed the 911 call came in just after 6 a.m., when the man, sipping decaf and checking his bird feeder, spotted what he described as “an apex predator with murder in its eyes.”
Upon arrival, deputies discovered a very fluffy orange house cat named Muffin rolling in the gravel and purring at dandelions.

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“IT STARED DIRECTLY AT ME”

The caller, 52-year-old Carl Dandridge, told The Santiam Scoop he “knew something was wrong” when he saw the feline sunning itself on a neighbor’s lawn.

> “The way it crouched, the tail flick, the sheer presence,” Carl said, “I just knew it was one of those mountain forest death cats. I wasn’t about to end up in some Discovery Channel documentary.”

Muffin, 11, has a documented fear of vacuum cleaners and weighs 14 pounds, most of which is guiltless fur.

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POLICE RESPONSE: 3 UNITS, 2 TRANQUILIZERS, 1 MEOW

Twin Falls deputies responded with urgency, bringing tranquilizer darts, riot gear, and a wildlife expert who once watched half an episode of Man vs. Wild.

> “We took the call seriously,” said Sgt. Linda Bramble, “because we've learned never to underestimate the public’s complete inability to tell the difference between ‘Bobcat’ and ‘Bob from down the street’s cat.’”

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SOCIAL MEDIA LIGHTS UP:

Photos from the incident went viral, especially one zoomed-in image of Muffin mid-yawn captioned “Moments Before The Attack.”

Neighbors were quick to respond:

“That’s my cat. He literally sleeps in a bowl of socks.”

“Bro, that’s a Garfield in the wild, not a mountain lion.”

“Why is animal control carrying bear spray at 8 a.m. on a Tuesday?”

The sheriff’s department issued a clarification shortly after:

> “While it is important to report possible wildlife threats, please… maybe start with binoculars before unleashing DEFCON 1 on Mr. Whiskers.”

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THE AFTERMATH

Muffin was briefly detained for questioning (and belly rubs) before being released to his owner, who has since fitted him with a neon pink collar reading “NOT A LION, DON’T PANIC.”

Dandridge says he doesn’t regret the call, insisting it was “better safe than shredded.”

> “You can’t trust cats. One minute they’re napping, the next they’ve joined Antifa or eaten your eyelids.”

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DISCLAIMER:
The Santiam Scoop is a satirical publication. All events described above are based on probable human error and real-life overreactions to ordinary cats. If you see something, say something — but maybe also zoom out first.

07/28/2025

📰 The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.

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💢 WHAT’S YOUR BEEF? 💢
We all have that one thing that sends us over the edge.

Slow left-lane drivers?

People who clap when the plane lands?

That one guy who says “irregardless” like it’s a real word?

Now it’s YOUR turn to rant.
Drop a comment below and tell us:

👉 WHAT’S YOUR BEEF? 👈
(We’ll read every one. We might even roast the worst offenders in our next post. Looking at you, pineapple-on-pizza defenders.)

Spill it. The floor is yours.
And remember:
The Santiam Scoop — Not real news, but real close.

07/28/2025

The Santiam Scoop
Not real news, but real close.

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H**P ADVOCATE ARRESTED FOR ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR DRUG EMPIRE — WHOOPS

LIVE OAK, CALIFORNIA — July 28, 2025
In an unfortunate twist that nobody saw coming except literally everyone paying attention, a man once hailed as a local h**p hero now finds himself behind bars after authorities discovered his h**p farm was allegedly producing enough w**d to fog up Sacramento.

Lucas “Luke” Maxwell Wilson, 45, once led the charge to overturn Sutter County’s ban on h**p farming. Now he’s leading the charge on “How to post million-dollar bail without admitting your money smells like Sour Diesel.”

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FROM H**P ACTIVIST TO GREEN BARON

Wilson, a self-described advocate for agricultural freedom and part-time aroma influencer, was granted a license to grow 638 acres of h**p — a crop that is legally distinct from ma*****na because it doesn’t usually make you see colors or text your ex.

Unfortunately, investigators allege Wilson blurred the botanical lines and turned his h**p facility into a "w**d wonderland" cranking out cannabis faster than Coachella sells out.

When asked for comment, one officer reportedly whispered, “It wasn’t h**p. It was h**p with ambition.”

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RAIDED BY COPS, STOPPED BY A DUMPSTER

After receiving a tip that something “smelled skunky but profitable,” Sutter County authorities visited Wilson’s facility. What they found wasn’t a h**p-processing site, but what one officer described as “basically a cannabis Costco.”

Roughly 10,000 pounds of ma*****na were seized — which authorities say was only a third of the total.

> “We had to stop because the dump closed,” said one exhausted task force officer, still holding a half-full trash bag labeled “Tuesday’s Stash.”

That’s right — the bust was so big they were thwarted not by criminal resistance or legal loopholes, but by garbage collection hours.

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FOLLOW THE MONEY (BUT MAYBE DON’T SMOKE IT)

Judge Susan E. Green set Wilson’s bail at $1 million, stipulating that he must prove the bail money isn’t, quote, “from bags of rolled-up twenties hidden under a grow lamp.”

Public Defender Tom Quinn asked the court to reduce bail to $20,000, claiming, “It’s not like he committed murder — he just sold a lot of relaxing oregano.”

The judge, citing estimated business revenue between $25 million and $35 million in just six months, declined.

> “This wasn’t a h**p business,” she said. “It was a cannabis country club.”

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A BROKEN SYSTEM — OR A GUY WHO GOT TOO GOOD AT PLANTING GREEN?

While Wilson awaits trial, local officials are scrambling to figure out what to do next: with the ban lifted, the lines blurred, and every third backyard in Sutter County now containing at least one very suspicious shed, the Board of Supervisors is promising to “review h**p policy again before someone builds a THC supercenter.”

Meanwhile, neighbors have mixed reactions:

Some praise Wilson for “bringing jobs and a powerful aroma” to the area.

Others say the only thing he grew was “mistrust and about 40 tons of high-grade felony.”

One man simply asked if anyone was “selling edibles from the evidence pile.”

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DISCLAIMER:
The Santiam Scoop is a satirical publication. All quotes not taken from public record are fictitious, exaggerated, or completely made up by our overcaffeinated newsroom. This article is not legal advice. Do not attempt to run a multimillion-dollar cannabis empire under the guise of h**p. You will not pass “Go” and you may not collect anything except federal charges.

05/19/2024

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� Whiskers of Wit: History meets hilarity with Twitch the Cat! Join us for uproarious adventures through time. Like, subscribe, and laugh along! �� ��

09/14/2023

Sounds like a wreck at Hwy 34 and Glotra. Several cars involved, please be careful in the area and allow extra time to get where your going if your traveling through the area.

09/11/2023

McCully Mountain Update

15 acres and 5% containment at this time

McCully Mountain, Oregon, USA