The Seffner Gazette

09/27/2025

SEFFNER RESIDENTS BREAK WORLD RECORD FOR LARGEST LAWN CHAIR CIRCLE

By Bill Stingray-Shuffle

SEFFNER, FL — In a rare moment of unity, Seffner residents gathered this weekend in the Walmart parking lot to set a new world record for the “Largest Lawn Chair Circle,” proving that harmony can be found in the most unexpected of places—and with the most collapsible of furniture.

The circle, which measured approximately 200 yards in diameter, featured over 600 participants and an impressive variety of lawn chairs: faded camping models, deluxe recliners with cupholders, neon plastic Adirondacks, and at least one inflatable flamingo that deflated midway through the event but was “kept in spirit.”

Organizers said the gathering wasn’t “just for fun,” but a symbol of resilience. “In these trying times, folks are divided about everything,” said spokesperson Brandi Jo Crenshaw, balancing a Marlboro in one hand and a megaphone in the other. “But out here, whether you’re sittin’ in a Realtree camo chair or a pastel pool lounger, you’re part of the circle. Nobody gets left outside the ring.”

The spectacle drew Seffnerites from all walks of life. Next to a biker gang in skull-covered folding chairs sat a church group singing hymns. A group of teenagers lounged in gamer chairs dragged from their bedrooms, while one elderly couple proudly displayed their vintage aluminum-stripe lawn seats from the 1970s.

“We even had a fella roll up with his recliner bungeed to a dolly,” said witness Dusty Earl Cooter. “That’s commitment to community right there.”

Love bugs swarmed overhead, but instead of swatting, participants laughed and toasted with Styrofoam cups of Busch Light, calling the insects “honorary members.”

“I didn’t think I’d sit next to someone wearin’ a ‘Let’s Go Bass Fishing’ tank top and feel peace in my heart, but here we are,” said Destiny Rae Mulligan, seated in a glitter-covered butterfly chair.

Meanwhile, Amazon distribution employees on break stood on the roof, reportedly in awe. “I ship packages all day, but this… this is shipping hope,” one worker allegedly remarked before being told to clock back in.

Though Guinness World Records has yet to officially certify the feat, locals improvised by passing around actual cans of Guinness beer to bless the circle. “Same thing,” said Rickey Don Carlisle, holding up his can for cheers.

As the sun set, the circle dissolved into smaller groups grilling hot dogs on portable propane stoves. One man fell asleep with his chair leaned back dangerously close to a Ford F-150, but was gently repositioned by strangers—proving once again that kindness, like lawn chairs, can fold out anywhere.

Organizers plan to make the event annual. “Next year we’re aiming for the biggest synchronized cooler crack,” Brandi Jo said proudly. “If Seffner can pull this off, maybe the world’s not as divided as it seems.”

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The Seffner Gazette is a satirical publication created for entertaninment purposes in a time where humor and levity is much needed. Any similarities to real-life people or events is purely coincidental.

09/27/2025

KELLY’S HIDEAWAY NOT SO HIDDEN AFTER GOOGLE MAPS UPDATE

By Crystal-Lynn Gatorbait

SEFFNER, FL — What was once Seffner’s worst-kept secret is now just plain “kept,” after Kelly’s Hideaway—a dimly lit dive bar on U.S. 92—was officially updated on Google Maps with correct signage, photos, and, most controversially, business hours.

For decades, Kelly’s Hideaway prided itself on being invisible to outsiders. Tucked behind a half-lit liquor store sign and sandwiched between a used tire shop and a defunct tax service, the bar thrived on its “if you know, you know” mystique. But now, thanks to Google’s latest Street View update, the bar is not only visible but showing up in people’s recommended “trending spots nearby.”

Locals are furious.

“I been coming here since ‘97 and half the fun was pretending it didn’t exist,” said longtime patron Ricky Don Carlisle, sipping a Busch Light from a cracked Styrofoam cup. “Now you got South Tampa people showing up in khakis asking about craft beer. Craft beer! This is a Budweiser town.”

Regulars describe the influx of outsiders as disruptive. Destiny Rae Mulligan, a self-proclaimed “Queen of Kelly’s karaoke,” complained: “Last Saturday, I had to wait three songs before belting out ‘Before He Cheats.’ You can’t have community harmony if I’m fourth in line behind some Brandon couple singing Ed Sheeran.”

Owner Kelly herself (last name reportedly “Nobody’s Business”) was equally distraught. “I didn’t even know we had hours,” she said, gesturing to the handwritten “Open Most Days” sign taped to the door. “Now Google’s telling people we close at 2 a.m.? Honey, we close when the jukebox dies or the police show up.”

Meanwhile, bar rivalries are heating up. Neighboring dive, Kennedy Hill Pub, has reportedly filed a complaint with Google, accusing Kelly’s of using “algorithmic witchcraft” to attract Hyde Park brunch crowds.

Not everyone is upset, though. A handful of Seffner residents admit the attention may have its perks. “I met a nice lady from Davis Island who thought Pabst Blue Ribbon was exotic,” said patron Dusty Earl Cooter. “She bought me six.”

Still, the majority of locals remain wary. As one anonymous source grumbled from a barstool: “Next thing you know, Yelp’s gonna give us three stars and then it’s all downhill. Kelly’s ain’t for reviews. It’s for regrets.”

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The Seffner Gazette is a satirical publication created for entertaninment purposes in a time where humor and levity is much needed. Any similarities to real-life people or events is purely coincidental.

09/26/2025

LOVE BUG 5K LEAVES RUNNERS, LIVERS IN SHAMBLES

By Crystal-Lynn Gatorbait

SEFFNER, FL — Saturday morning saw the launch of Seffner’s first-ever “Love Bug Relief 5K and Marathon,” a fundraiser created to support locals whose cars, paint jobs, and retinas have been ravaged by this year’s biblical love bug invasion.

The course was unconventional, looping runners in sweaty circles between the Amazon Distribution Center and The Tiki Hut Bar. Organizers called it “a true reflection of Seffner life—corporate drudgery on one side, cheap rum buckets on the other.”

Participants began the race with strong energy, but by lap three, many had abandoned water stations in favor of The Tiki Hut’s $2 margarita specials.

“I came to support a good cause, but honestly, those bugs hitting my face at mile two felt like protein shots,” said runner Tiffany Dawn Skunkape, wiping tequila and bug wings from her chin. “By the time we got back to The Tiki Hut, I figured, why fight it?”

Spectators were similarly unimpressed. Bubba Ray Hogslop, chain-smoking while perched on a cooler, shook his head: “I ain’t seen that many people puke since the Strawberry Festival deep-fried butter stand opened.”

By afternoon, most participants were too drunk to drive home. Enter “Local Guy on a Bike”, formally known as Shane Buckshot Devereaux, who saw a business opportunity.

“For just five bucks, I’ll pedal you home in my lawn chair trailer,” said Devereaux, gesturing to his duct-taped contraption. “Cheaper than Uber, and you get the wind in your face—plus it blows the bugs right off.”

One intoxicated participant, Rickey Don Carlisle, confirmed the ride service: “I tipped him extra ‘cause the chair had cupholders. Felt like NASCAR but slower and with more bugs in my teeth.”

Despite dozens of unfinished laps, 14 abandoned sneakers, and one man who mistakenly tried to outrun an Amazon Prime truck, the event raised a reported $287.16. Organizers say the funds will go directly toward “car washes, cheap wax jobs, and emotional support” for victims of the seasonal insect plague.

When asked if they would repeat the event next year, a spokesperson shrugged and said, “Depends on the bug count and how many people still have working livers.”

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The Seffner Gazette is a satirical publication created for entertaninment purposes in a time where humor and levity is much needed. Any similarities to real-life people or events is purely coincidental.

09/26/2025

FAMILY OF FOUR MOVES TO SEFFNER, LOCALS ASK - “WHY?”

By Bill Stingray-Shuffle

SEFFNER, FL — In a shocking twist that has baffled residents and rattled nearby property values, the Johnson family of Springfield, Ohio has reportedly moved to Seffner. Yes, by choice.

The Johnsons—comprised of Chad and Karen Johnson and their two predictably named children, Emily (10) and Jacob (8)—say they were drawn to Seffner for its “small-town charm” and “affordable living.” Locals, however, aren’t buying it.

“Don’t nobody come to Seffner on purpose,” said longtime resident Bubba Ray Hogslop, who was spotted shirtless on his porch drinking a can of Natural Ice at 11 a.m. “Folks usually just break down on I-4 and give up.”

The Johnsons, who previously lived in a beige split-level house surrounded by cornfields, say they’re “excited” to trade in their quiet Midwestern suburb for what Zillow generously described as a “unique fixer-upper opportunity” just three blocks from a Dollar General.

Local Seffnerite Crystal-Lynn Gatorbait was skeptical: “Bless their hearts, they’re smiling now, but wait ‘til the first time they gotta call the county about a gator in the kiddie pool. You’ll see those Ohio smiles melt faster than a Busch Light on blacktop.”

Adding to the confusion, the Johnsons claim they were impressed by the “strong sense of community.” When pressed, they admitted this impression came from a single Facebook group post about a missing chihuahua that later turned out to be a possum.

Resident Destiny Rae Mulligan summed up the town’s sentiment: “I give ‘em three months before Karen’s on Nextdoor asking if the rooster crowing at 3 a.m. is ‘normal.’”

Still, the Johnsons remain optimistic. “We’re just happy to start fresh,” said Chad, clutching a Publix sub and trying to ignore the suspiciously loud fireworks stand already operating across the street.

Locals, meanwhile, are simply waiting to see how long before the family realizes they’ve made what many are calling “the biggest mistake since someone thought m**h labs and single-wides mix.”

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The Seffner Gazette is a satirical publication created for entertaninment purposes in a time where humor and levity is much needed. Any similarities to real-life people or events is purely coincidental.

09/26/2025

SEFFNER WOMAN, 56, SNARLS TOWN’S RUSH HOUR BEER RUN

By Crystal-Lynn Gatorbait

SEFFNER, FL - Traffic was snarled for nearly 47 minutes Tuesday afternoon at the Beverage Castle drive-thru after a woman in a pearl-white Nissan Rogue allegedly refused to leave the ordering lane, insisting she was “in the middle of a critical beverage negotiation.”

Witnesses say the woman—identified only as Deborah, 52, of Seffner-but-insists-it’s-Valrico—parked squarely in front of the sliding cooler doors and refused to advance, claiming she was “waiting for management to locate the correct emotional energy for her request.”

“She kept saying the sign promised ‘Two-for-One,’ but she wouldn’t clarify on what,” said customer Rickey D., who eventually abandoned his truck mid-line and jogged down the street to grab a six-pack from the nearby Circle K. “I think she was negotiating some sort of spiritual BOGO.”

Employees report Deborah initially asked for “a case of som**hing crisp but morally superior,” before demanding to personally inspect every cold can “for proper condensation.” When informed the store’s “manager” was stocking the cases, Deborah allegedly requested “the district overseer of aluminum rights” and then “whoever writes the Beverage Castle constitution.”

At one point she produced a printed screenshot of a half-expired Groupon for “free vibes,” declaring it proof that “the customer sets the laws of man.”

Deputies from Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office eventually arrived and offered Deborah a complimentary sleeve of plastic baggies “to help her process the moment.” She accepted the baggies but announced she needed “a cooling-off period to recover from the disrespect,” remaining motionless in her SUV while live-streaming her grievances to an audience of three Facebook friends.

By dusk, traffic on 92 had returned to normal, though a small memorial of empty Busch Light cans was spotted near the Beverage Castle entrance, honoring those who never got their two-for-one tallboys.

When asked for comment, a Beverage Castle spokesperson simply sighed, “It’s Seffner. Tuesday is basically our Friday.”

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The Seffner Gazette is a satirical publication created for entertaninment purposes in a time where humor and levity is much needed. Any similarities to real-life people or events is purely coincidental.

09/26/2025