The Stony Brook Enquirer

The Stony Brook Enquirer The only voice against heresy in Stony Brook Twitter: @thesbenquirer
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Operating as usual

11/18/2019
Palpatine declares the Empire

The USG executive branch abolishes the Supreme Court, soon the senate will follow.

Palpatine declares himself Emperor of the newly formed Galactic Empire.

USG consolidated power through removal of Supreme Court. USG President states, “I am the law!”
11/18/2019
The student body has been cheated by USG – The Statesman

USG consolidated power through removal of Supreme Court. USG President states, “I am the law!”

OpinionsThe student body has been cheated by USG by Thor HawreyNovember 17, 2019November 17, 2019ShareTweetPin itShareEmailMoreThe logo for Stony Brook’s Undergraduate Student Government. Last week, the USG proposed over 250 changes to its constitution in a referendum for students to vote on; it p...

Does campus only sell Pepsi products?
08/27/2019

Does campus only sell Pepsi products?

11/06/2017

Reminder for all you citizens of the empire to GET THE F**K OUT AND VOTE TOMORROW

08/14/2017

It's a sad day in America when you try to host a Hawaiian luau with some German friends and suddenly people start calling you racist.

No funding for the arts means no funding for dank memes
04/29/2017
Protect the Department of Theatre Arts at Stony Brook University

No funding for the arts means no funding for dank memes

The Department of Theatre Arts has suspended its admissions due to budget cuts. In the future, the department will now only teach lower, general education requirements. This means that no new or undeclared student can declare a theatre arts major or minor. This also means that many beloved faculty....

04/28/2017
USG Boat Sunk. All Go Down With Ship

We would like to take this moment to remember the 2014 USG Administration who tragically met their end in the past Roth Pond Regatta.

In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see...

03/08/2017

Happy International Women's Day! Celebrating women and their indispensable contributions that go unrecognized throughout history.
And a reminder to all Enquirer employees, next week's sexual harassment seminar is mandatory for everyone, ESPECIALLY YOU PAUL AND THE REST OF THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT.

02/14/2017

Remember all you single folks, you can always have a threesome with Ben and Jerry. They won't betray you like that cheating bitch Deb from accounting.

With Stony Brook faculty, staff, and students being denied entry back into the country, please be sure to secure all leg...
01/29/2017
Federal judge grants emergency stay over Trump immigration order

With Stony Brook faculty, staff, and students being denied entry back into the country, please be sure to secure all legal documentation and seek an immigration attorney ASAP if you believe you may be affected as this emergency stay may only be temporary.

A federal judge in New York has issued an emergency stay temporarily halting the removal of individuals detained after President Trump's order banned immigrants from seven Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th President of the United States of America.
01/20/2017

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th President of the United States of America.

12/24/2016
THE HATE CRIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Joyful Festivus, and Happy Holidays!

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus, a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus. Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race, for he's actually white, but...

Panicking President Stanley in Hazmat Suit Shuts Down Union
12/13/2016
Panicking President Stanley in Hazmat Suit Shuts Down Union

Panicking President Stanley in Hazmat Suit Shuts Down Union

Earlier today Stony Brook University gave an unexpected farewell to the beloved Student Union building. While it has been rumored that the building was to be condemned for some time, students,...

Netflix: Bringing back the greatest hits.
11/30/2016

Netflix: Bringing back the greatest hits.

11/09/2016
just walk away

President-Elect Donald Trump addresses the Liberals after his victory.

11/08/2016

REMEMBER TO GET THE F**K OUT AND VOTE TODAY

Starbucks Kicks Off Holiday Season With Cups Supporting Donald Trump
11/04/2016
Starbucks Kicks Off Holiday Season With Cups Supporting Donald Trump

Starbucks Kicks Off Holiday Season With Cups Supporting Donald Trump

In a surprising move that stunned many and caused much controversy, Starbucks once again unveiled a new coffee cup design for the holiday season. What was unusual this time around though was that...

10/31/2016

Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?
Its sure you make you say "What the f**k?"
Its our school of Stony Brook!

This is Stony Brook, this is Stony Brook!
Students scream during finals night!
This is Stony Brook, go ahead, take a look
Your dumbass roommate just forgot to shut the light

Its our school, everybody scream!
You got an "F" in your last dream

I am the stoner passed out in your bed
Don't give a f**k that my eyes are red

I am the asian who won't go to sleep
playing league of legends until you weep

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

In this school, pay your fees
Everyone hail to the U.S.G.!

In this school, don't you love it now?
Everyone's waiting for the next construction site
Deep in Roosevelt hiding in the alley way
Something's smelling dank, and how you'll puke!

Scream! This is Stony Brook!
Red and gray, wait, what? Gray?!
Are you confused?
Well so am I
Pick your class carefully!
Take the chance or PNC
Order dominos in the dead of night!

Everybody scream! Cheer for our team!
In our school on Halloween!
I Am the man in the F.S.A.
Those increased prices are here to stay!

I am the guy who won't shut up in class
Raising my hand to kiss the teacher's ass!

I am the drunk in the dorm on Thursday
missing the toilet not my problem anyway!

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

Sheltered students everywhere,
Going to college must be a huge scare
I don't really mean to be mean
but who the f**k can't work a laundry machine?!

In this campus, don't we love it now?
Everyone's waiting for the next surprise!

President Stanley might send out an email
and talk of Ebola to make you not give a sh*t!

This is Stony Brook, won't you all take a look!
Please make way for a very special guy:
Mascot Wolfie is king of the Seawolves
everyone hail to the Seawolf king now!

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

In this school, pay your fees
Everyone hail to the U.S.G.!

Happy Halloween from The Stony Brook Enquirer!

10/25/2016

Philosophy students lose sleep over question: What's a seawolf? Only to find themselves in an existential crisis and pathological drinking.

After a poor review of the University's educators, SBU Human Resources Director regrets hiring professors from craigslis...
10/12/2016
Stony Brook faculty ranked fifth worst professors by Princeton Review

After a poor review of the University's educators, SBU Human Resources Director regrets hiring professors from craigslist after a night of drinking alone.

Stony Brook University prides itself on high rankings, but in some cases, being high up on a list may not be something to brag about.

Tonight is the first Presidential Debate for 2016. Will you vote for the Democrat to blast you in the ass? The Republica...
09/26/2016
ELECTION 2016: Make Stony Brook Great Again

Tonight is the first Presidential Debate for 2016. Will you vote for the Democrat to blast you in the ass? The Republican to blast you in the ass? Or get a little freaky and pick the Independent to blast you in the ass? (The candidates, not Stony Brook Independent, unless you're into that sort of stuff, then go ask them)

With New York major party primary elections taking place this Tuesday, April 19, The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to give our support to the only candidate that matters: Donald Trump. Showing...

09/17/2016
Indiana Jones - Berlin March - Königgrätzer Marsch - HQ

In a powerful move by University Fuhrer Stanley, the campus bookstore is no more, as all textbooks have been removed and replaced with university-supporting nationalist regalia. This move came about in order to "Protect the young minds from the corrupting influences of communist and capitalist literature." All students who wish to purchase books must do so through a pre-approved selection available through our University's newest alliance with Amazon and Starbucks.

update : ocotober/2013 - THUMBS IT UP EVERYONE !!!!! AND SUBSCRIBE ** please NO HATE SPEECH OR NAZI SYMPATHIZING ** Forgiveness and zero deception is the onl...

08/29/2016

THIS JUST IN: Princeton Review ranks UMass Amherst #1 best campus food in the country yet again. Stony Brook is still awaiting a rank, because we didn't know we could count that high.

Business as usual at the FSA...
08/28/2016

Business as usual at the FSA...

07/11/2016

President Stanley uses entire Stony Brook data plan playing Pokemon GO. University campus without internet until next billing cycle.
In other news, mysterious Pokemon GO user, PrezStan69 remains undefeated as the SBU campus Gym Leader.

06/24/2016

Inspired by the actions taken in Britain, University Prime Minister Stanley has announced there will be a vote on whether or not Stony Brook should remain in the SUNY system, stating, "We'll make our own university network, with blackjack... and hookers."

SBE EXCLUSIVE™ REPORT: North Reading Room renovations are complete, under budget and ahead of schedule. Donald Trump pos...
06/01/2016

SBE EXCLUSIVE™ REPORT: North Reading Room renovations are complete, under budget and ahead of schedule. Donald Trump possibly involved. The office of President Stanley has not responded to the allegations.

As the New York Times, which is a failing newspaper by the way, has not yet reported on these developments. The staff at the SBE has taken it upon ourselves to break this story.

BREAKING: Sources close to The Stony Brook Enquirer say the award winning newspaper is considering a bid for the Preside...
06/01/2016

BREAKING: Sources close to The Stony Brook Enquirer say the award winning newspaper is considering a bid for the Presidency. According to these same sources, The Enquirer voiced "grave concerns" about both presidential candidates, and feels strongly about saving the nation from a "terrible fate". Stay tuned.

05/31/2016

Tag someone who needs to know what a Seawolf is then scream into their ears the next time you see them so they will always remember.

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