The Stony Brook Enquirer

11/18/2019

Palpatine declares the Empire

The USG executive branch abolishes the Supreme Court, soon the senate will follow.

Palpatine declares himself Emperor of the newly formed Galactic Empire.

11/18/2019

The student body has been cheated by USG – The Statesman

USG consolidated power through removal of Supreme Court. USG President states, “I am the law!”

OpinionsThe student body has been cheated by USG by Thor HawreyNovember 17, 2019November 17, 2019ShareTweetPin itShareEmailMoreThe logo for Stony Brook’s Undergraduate Student Government. Last week, the USG proposed over 250 changes to its constitution in a referendum for students to vote on; it p...

08/27/2019

Does campus only sell Pepsi products?

09/18/2018

A Cruel Seawolves Thesis

why won’t Stanley senpai notice me?

11/22/2017

FCC plan would give Internet providers power to choose the sites customers see and use

Without net neutrality, we wouldn't be able to bring the truth to the people!

The move would roll back the Obama-era rules on net neutrality, setting the stage for a vote next month that could reshape the entire digital ecosystem.

11/06/2017

Reminder for all you citizens of the empire to GET THE F**K OUT AND VOTE TOMORROW

09/22/2017

Stony Brook University

President Stanley gets penetrated in his office on camera, and wants the students to do the same

It’s time to get ready for the flu season. That means making sure you and your loved ones have been vaccinated: https://www.stonybrookmedicine.edu/patientcare/flu

09/02/2017

Stony Brook University’s ‘men and masculinities’ center is ‘an entirely feminist-oriented operation’ - The College Fix

Wait, we have a masculinities center?

When Stony Brook University launched its Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities in 2013, alumnus Bruce Bawer was intrigued by the new program. “Would the new Center do anything to enhance the school’s reputation for scholarship,” he wondered. Bawer, an author, was skeptical. And it turns out…

08/14/2017

It's a sad day in America when you try to host a Hawaiian luau with some German friends and suddenly people start calling you racist.

04/29/2017

Protect the Department of Theatre Arts at Stony Brook University

No funding for the arts means no funding for dank memes

The Department of Theatre Arts has suspended its admissions due to budget cuts. In the future, the department will now only teach lower, general education requirements. This means that no new or undeclared student can declare a theatre arts major or minor. This also means that many beloved faculty....

04/28/2017

USG Boat Sunk. All Go Down With Ship

We would like to take this moment to remember the 2014 USG Administration who tragically met their end in the past Roth Pond Regatta.

In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see...

03/14/2017

Students Missing and Wolfie Hoards Fresh Meat as Blizzard Approaches

Students Missing and Wolfie Hoards Fresh Meat as Blizzard Approaches

It looks like winter won't be leaving Long Island without a fight this year as weather services warn of an impending blizzard to hit the area over the next few days. The University has begun...

03/08/2017

Happy International Women's Day! Celebrating women and their indispensable contributions that go unrecognized throughout history.
And a reminder to all Enquirer employees, next week's sexual harassment seminar is mandatory for everyone, ESPECIALLY YOU PAUL AND THE REST OF THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT.

02/14/2017

Remember all you single folks, you can always have a threesome with Ben and Jerry. They won't betray you like that cheating bitch Deb from accounting.

01/29/2017

Federal judge grants emergency stay over Trump immigration order

With Stony Brook faculty, staff, and students being denied entry back into the country, please be sure to secure all legal documentation and seek an immigration attorney ASAP if you believe you may be affected as this emergency stay may only be temporary.

A federal judge in New York has issued an emergency stay temporarily halting the removal of individuals detained after President Trump's order banned immigrants from seven Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S.

01/20/2017

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th President of the United States of America.

12/24/2016

THE HATE CRIME BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Joyful Festivus, and Happy Holidays!

'Twas the week before Christmas, and all throughout campus, a creature was stirring: the demon named Krampus. Oh and his friend Black Pete, but beware of his race, for he's actually white, but...

12/13/2016

Panicking President Stanley in Hazmat Suit Shuts Down Union

Panicking President Stanley in Hazmat Suit Shuts Down Union

Earlier today Stony Brook University gave an unexpected farewell to the beloved Student Union building. While it has been rumored that the building was to be condemned for some time, students,...

11/30/2016

Netflix: Bringing back the greatest hits.

11/09/2016

just walk away

President-Elect Donald Trump addresses the Liberals after his victory.

11/08/2016

REMEMBER TO GET THE F**K OUT AND VOTE TODAY

11/04/2016

Starbucks Kicks Off Holiday Season With Cups Supporting Donald Trump

Starbucks Kicks Off Holiday Season With Cups Supporting Donald Trump

In a surprising move that stunned many and caused much controversy, Starbucks once again unveiled a new coffee cup design for the holiday season. What was unusual this time around though was that...

10/31/2016

Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?
Its sure you make you say "What the f**k?"
Its our school of Stony Brook!

This is Stony Brook, this is Stony Brook!
Students scream during finals night!
This is Stony Brook, go ahead, take a look
Your dumbass roommate just forgot to shut the light

Its our school, everybody scream!
You got an "F" in your last dream

I am the stoner passed out in your bed
Don't give a f**k that my eyes are red

I am the asian who won't go to sleep
playing league of legends until you weep

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

In this school, pay your fees
Everyone hail to the U.S.G.!

In this school, don't you love it now?
Everyone's waiting for the next construction site
Deep in Roosevelt hiding in the alley way
Something's smelling dank, and how you'll puke!

Scream! This is Stony Brook!
Red and gray, wait, what? Gray?!
Are you confused?
Well so am I
Pick your class carefully!
Take the chance or PNC
Order dominos in the dead of night!

Everybody scream! Cheer for our team!
In our school on Halloween!
I Am the man in the F.S.A.
Those increased prices are here to stay!

I am the guy who won't shut up in class
Raising my hand to kiss the teacher's ass!

I am the drunk in the dorm on Thursday
missing the toilet not my problem anyway!

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

Sheltered students everywhere,
Going to college must be a huge scare
I don't really mean to be mean
but who the f**k can't work a laundry machine?!

In this campus, don't we love it now?
Everyone's waiting for the next surprise!

President Stanley might send out an email
and talk of Ebola to make you not give a sh*t!

This is Stony Brook, won't you all take a look!
Please make way for a very special guy:
Mascot Wolfie is king of the Seawolves
everyone hail to the Seawolf king now!

This is Stony Brook! This is Stony Brook!
Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook! Stony Brook!

In this school, pay your fees
Everyone hail to the U.S.G.!

Happy Halloween from The Stony Brook Enquirer!

10/25/2016

Philosophy students lose sleep over question: What's a seawolf? Only to find themselves in an existential crisis and pathological drinking.

10/12/2016

Stony Brook faculty ranked fifth worst professors by Princeton Review

After a poor review of the University's educators, SBU Human Resources Director regrets hiring professors from craigslist after a night of drinking alone.

Stony Brook University prides itself on high rankings, but in some cases, being high up on a list may not be something to brag about.

09/26/2016

ELECTION 2016: Make Stony Brook Great Again

Tonight is the first Presidential Debate for 2016. Will you vote for the Democrat to blast you in the ass? The Republican to blast you in the ass? Or get a little freaky and pick the Independent to blast you in the ass? (The candidates, not Stony Brook Independent, unless you're into that sort of stuff, then go ask them)

With New York major party primary elections taking place this Tuesday, April 19, The Stony Brook Enquirer is proud to give our support to the only candidate that matters: Donald Trump. Showing...

09/17/2016

Indiana Jones - Berlin March - Königgrätzer Marsch - HQ

In a powerful move by University Fuhrer Stanley, the campus bookstore is no more, as all textbooks have been removed and replaced with university-supporting nationalist regalia. This move came about in order to "Protect the young minds from the corrupting influences of communist and capitalist literature." All students who wish to purchase books must do so through a pre-approved selection available through our University's newest alliance with Amazon and Starbucks.

update : ocotober/2013 - THUMBS IT UP EVERYONE !!!!! AND SUBSCRIBE ** please NO HATE SPEECH OR NAZI SYMPATHIZING ** Forgiveness and zero deception is the onl...

08/29/2016

THIS JUST IN: Princeton Review ranks UMass Amherst #1 best campus food in the country yet again. Stony Brook is still awaiting a rank, because we didn't know we could count that high.

08/28/2016

Business as usual at the FSA...

08/10/2016

Rio 2016: 'I've never dived in anything like it' - Olympic pool turns green

Roth Pond is officially an Olympic-Class pool now.

Divers are forced to dive into green water at the Olympic diving pool with organisers left to investigate the cause of the colour change.

07/11/2016

President Stanley uses entire Stony Brook data plan playing Pokemon GO. University campus without internet until next billing cycle.
In other news, mysterious Pokemon GO user, PrezStan69 remains undefeated as the SBU campus Gym Leader.

06/24/2016

Inspired by the actions taken in Britain, University Prime Minister Stanley has announced there will be a vote on whether or not Stony Brook should remain in the SUNY system, stating, "We'll make our own university network, with blackjack... and hookers."

06/01/2016

SBE EXCLUSIVE™ REPORT: North Reading Room renovations are complete, under budget and ahead of schedule. Donald Trump possibly involved. The office of President Stanley has not responded to the allegations.

As the New York Times, which is a failing newspaper by the way, has not yet reported on these developments. The staff at the SBE has taken it upon ourselves to break this story.

06/01/2016

BREAKING: Sources close to The Stony Brook Enquirer say the award winning newspaper is considering a bid for the Presidency. According to these same sources, The Enquirer voiced "grave concerns" about both presidential candidates, and feels strongly about saving the nation from a "terrible fate". Stay tuned.

05/31/2016

Tag someone who needs to know what a Seawolf is then scream into their ears the next time you see them so they will always remember.

05/17/2016

Oliver - please sir i want some more

Actual footage of ungrateful students complaining to the FSA about campus dining practices.

Oliver asking for more

05/13/2016

The more you know

FYI, students may see military aircraft flying over campus every now and then. It is only standard operations of a nearby military installation, and NOT President Stanley's squad of personal gunships hunting down rebels that are hiding in the surrounding forests. So stop asking questions.

05/09/2016

Finals: Calm Down! Now Is Not The Time For Fear

Remember to study hard!

Final exams are upon us but don't panic! We all get jitters and become nervous when it comes to big tests, but its only natural. After listening to the experiences of other students, stress is now a...

05/05/2016

CLASS VALEDICTORIAN TO BE DECIDED BY STEEL-CAGE MATCH

Citizens of the Stony Brook Empire rejoice! Emperor Wolfus Samulus Stanlecus has heard your cries for blood and circus and shall deliver!
Students across the territories have demanded relief from the stresses and worry about final examinations and shall be given distraction in the form of glory as a select group of elite students fight for the honor and privilege of being named The Emperor's Champion: The Valedictorian.
Though many seek the fame and fortune that comes with the title, Emperor Stanlecus has declared that until one of the students remains standing in the ring, they are all nothing but Salutatorians at best.
Citizens from across the Empire are expected to come by the thousands on Friday, May 20th 2016 A.D. for the graduation ceremony of the millennium at Kenneth P. LaValle Colosseum.
In preparation for this event, hordes of construction teams have been commissioned to construct a massive steel enclosure to contain the carnage that will only be described as Carnage Academia Maximus.
As the battle royal draws to a close with only the valedictorian and salutatorian standing, Emperor Stanlecus has enticed the imagination of many prospective academics by stating, "All the glory shall be for ONE."
This message could only be interpreted as what few only dared to whisper in the past: The Emperor plans the return of the Stony Brook Thunderdome: the metal arena where the only rule is chanted by the masses: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.
Barbarians and enemies of the Empire would dare to say that these events are of "needless bloodshed" and that it only serves to distract the angry masses from issues such as food shortages, rising prices, and the kidnapping of dissenters who speak out against the FSA,
but we here at the Stony Brook Enquirer Forum know such talk is only heresy, which by the grace of Emperor Stanlecus, will be purged.

Good luck to all with finals, and PREPARE FOR GLORY!

05/02/2016

Student Makes Hillarious Pen*s Joke About Wang Center

Student Makes Hillarious Pen*s Joke About Wang Center

When Stony Brook Residential Safety Program (RSP) members were called to help an inebriated group of students back to their dorm last night, they did not expect one of the students to show such...

04/29/2016

USG Boat Sunk

With an all time low of only 2 drownings and 12 E. coli infections from Roth Pond, the Department of Health and Safety has declared this year's Roth Regatta a resounding success compared to previous years.

In the aftermath of the 2014 Roth Regatta, The Stony Brook Enquirer is sad to report that the USG boat sank and with all hands lost. We will be reminded of this tragic loss next semester as we see...

04/24/2016

i.imgur.com

This election's gonna be f**king metal.

04/21/2016

Donald Trump on waterboarding: 'I love it'

You can't feel your face when Trump's with you.
...and he loves it.

During a rally in Indiana, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterates his soft spot for using tough tactics in the fight against ISIS.

04/20/2016

Student Makes Reference to Marijuana

Creativity abounds.

In an act of creative originality, a student suggested that Stony Brook University offer a major in "Weed Studies" and "Dank Memes".No one could have possibly predicted this stroke of genius to occur...

04/19/2016

Student Activity Fee? Or Secret USG Danktivity Money Stash? USG Executives Exposed In Panama...

USG EXPOSED IN PANAMA PAPER LEAK

In a seizure-inducing flood of information our team of investigative journalists here at the Stony Brook Enquirer have uncovered a dark paper trail involving the current and previous USG...