31/01/2022
My 8 year old daughter is sarcasm personified, but I can’t say much about it because she’s mine.
Today when we were in the kitchen, and she asked to watch a video on my phone, I said, “I have to clean the kitchen first.”
“You have to clean the kitchen? That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”
So of course a natural immediate parental response to this, (if a parent is raising their children properly), is to correct this disrespect, and make cleaning the kitchen an ‘us’ problem.
But I analyze situations very quickly, so I stopped my natural emotional inclinations to reflect on WHY she would say that. "What do I know about my daughter? Is she generally disrespectful and mean? No. Is she more often than not, playful? Yes. Would she say that to someone else? Probably not. So then why would she say that to me? Well, because she thinks she can ‘get away’ with saying it. Why does she think she can ‘get away’ with saying it? Well, because she often tries to joke around with me in certain ways. Ah, that’s right, she’s a sarcastic little one. But she isn’t as old as me, therefore she doesn’t understand social norms as well. So could this simply be a way that she was trying to play around with me, but she doesn’t quite understand social nuances yet, since she is still a child? That is more likely the case. What would happen if I yelled at her right now? I would ultimately become less of a ‘safe place’ for her to express herself. Do I want that? No, I don’t. So what should I do? I need to hold back and understand that she wasn’t actually disrespectful, she is just naïve, and needs to be taught. She needs to be molded by a parent whom she perceives as loving. "
I decided to experiment, (as I do nonstop), and see what would happen if I didn’t immediately correct her, and tell her she had to help me clean (don’t worry, we sat down later to talk about how she should and should not joke with others).
I raised a playful eyebrow at her and smiled, then carried on. Then I waited. She didn’t leave, she sat quietly, waiting for me. It took about 2 minutes of her watching me, to stand up and start cleaning the kitchen with me. She didn’t say anything about it; she simply proceeded. I asked her, “Oh, so you decided this shouldn’t be a ‘me’ problem?” She replied, “Well, the faster the kitchen gets cleaned, the faster I can watch that video. Plus, it would have been kind of rude for me to just sit there and watch you clean.”
My daughter had turned ‘my problem,’ into an ‘us problem.’ Without my correction, without my chiding, without my anger, without my coercion or guilting. She ‘triggered’ me, but I sat back to dwell on what I knew about her, and came to the conclusion that she wasn’t being malicious, therefore a wrathful response from me, (which, trust me, is my immediate natural response due to exactly this kind of disrespect from others acting as if I am their personal maid), wasn’t warranted. Wrathful responses hardly ever are. I shared this moment with my daughter, and let it bring us closer together, rather than further apart.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? How many times have we had a knee jerk reaction to someone, even with a trauma response we could blame, and forgotten that the other person isn’t a malicious person, just someone with a reason for acting a certain way which was unknown to us at the time.
A careless person putting a dish by the sink when they could have loaded it into the dishwasher. Someone focused on what they are doing so they don’t look up at you when you speak. Words spoken carelessly to you.
How many times has ‘disrespect’ been a reason to blow up at someone, and create a divide when it could have been an opportunity to bring you closer? Simply because you stopped to remember who the other person was.
Do not let knee jerk reactions define you or your relationships.