DUDD News

10/06/2026

DUDD NEWS

Delivering Useless Damn Dirt Since Whenever

LOCAL MAN BLAMES ENTIRE LIFE ON WATCHING E.T. ONE TIME

Lousy Institute graduate Steven E. Neuman, Class of 1985, has reportedly spent the last four decades making questionable life decisions after watching the movie E.T. as a child and deciding bicycles were the key to happiness just like Elliot.

According to sources, Neuman graduated near the top, middle, or possibly bottom of his class at the prestigious Lousy Institute in 1985 before setting out to become the next Walter Cronkite.

Unfortunately, after several unsuccessful attempts at looking serious while reading newspapers, experts declared his journalism career “mostly decorative.”

Undeterred, Neuman moved into political commentary where he spent years writing articles that confused both Democrats and Republicans equally.

Things reportedly changed when he met legendary motivational speaker and discount shopping enthusiast TEMU Clubber Lang.

Witnesses claim TEMU Clubber Lang approached Neuman and shouted:

“I PITY THE FOOL WHO DOESN’T ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS ON THE INTERNET!”

The two quickly became best friends and allegedly spent countless hours debating issues neither one fully understood while ordering suspiciously inexpensive products online.

Former coworkers say Neuman also briefly hosted talk radio where he developed a unique broadcasting style known as “Talking Until Someone Changes The Station.”

Ratings reportedly peaked when three listeners accidentally left their radios on during a snowstorm.

Friends say Neuman’s greatest passion remains riding bicycles, finding rides and free sandwiches.

“He watched E.T. once and never recovered,” said one anonymous source. “Most kids wanted to fly across the moon. Steven wanted to buy a bicycle and discuss local politics forever.”

Today, Neuman can reportedly be found riding a bike while carrying newspaper clippings, political notes, and at least three coupons for things nobody needs.

When asked about his legacy, Neuman responded:

“I regret nothing except that I never found E.T.”

DUDD News attempted to verify these claims but got distracted by a squirrel and forgot.

09/06/2026

DUDD NEWS

“SLAP-A-HOE” CHAMPIONSHIP COMING TO THE OHIO VALLEY

DELIVERING USELESS DAMN DIRT

BELMONT COUNTY — In what organizers are calling “the next evolution of professional competition,” the inaugural Slap-A-Hoe Championship is set to take place tonight at an undisclosed location somewhere behind a closed strip mall.

Unlike Power Slap, competitors in Slap-A-Hoe reportedly arrive with their own “street team,” while self-proclaimed pimps compete for the prestigious title of Pimp of the Year.

Event founder Silky Ray “Two Chains” Jackson explained the rules during a press conference held outside a gas station.

“We’re a professional organization. The ladies get to choose whether they want the front hand or the back hand. Safety is our number one concern.”

Officials say competitors will be judged on:

Slap accuracy
Street credibility
Trash talking
Fur coat quality
Ability to dodge outstanding warrants

The winner will earn a gold-plated cane, a fake championship belt, and an automatic bid to the National Slap-A-Hoe Tournament in Las Vegas, where champions from across the country will gather to determine who truly runs the streets.

Local resident Indian, chief pocahoe, says he’s not sure what to think.

“I thought it was clear, we indians were the originators of the slap a hoe name, then I saw this being advertised and the tribal nation wants their cut of the money, I mean we want to preserve our heritage. We also want our Indian logo used!”

Meanwhile, organizers have announced a strict list of prohibited items:

Protruding diamond rings
High heels over 3”(pimp shoes)
Ex- boyfriend’s
Mothers of the competitors

Local officials had no comment.

The championship is expected to conclude shortly 2:00am and security will be tight around the gold championship belt. U know.

DUDD News will continue following this developing story until we are asked politely to leave. 🚨😂

01/06/2026

DUDD NEWS EXCLUSIVE

LOCAL TV STATION CHANGES NAME TO “ICYMI TV”

OHIO VALLEY — In a move that has left viewers, employees, and several confused grandfathers scratching their heads, a local television station has reportedly rebranded itself as “ICYMI TV.”

Station executives announced that from now on, every story, post, headline, alert, weather update, sports score, and possibly birthday greeting will begin with the phrase “ICYMI.”
For those unfamiliar with internet abbreviations, ICYMI stands for “In Case You Missed It.”

The problem? Many people didn’t miss it.

“What if I didn’t miss it?” asked local resident Harold Jenkins, 72. “Do I still read the story? Is this old news? Is this new news? Am I supposed to miss it first before I can click it?”

The station’s new communication strategy doesn’t stop there.

Sources tell DUDD News employees have also been instructed to embrace modern internet language.

Commercial breaks will now be known as BRB.
Email responses must begin with HMUL.
Surprising stories will be labeled WTH.

And management is reportedly considering changing the evening news sign-off to “TTYL.”

DUDD News interviewed one anonymous reporter who said the transition has been difficult.

“The boss sent out an email announcing the new ICYMI policy,” the reporter explained.

“The entire subject line just said ICYMI. I thought it was spam. I deleted it. Then I got written up because my next story didn’t start with ICYMI.”

The reporter added that several veteran journalists are now carrying abbreviation cheat sheets while attempting to determine whether stories are breaking news or simply things people may have missed while making a sandwich.

Media experts warn the trend could create confusion among older viewers.

“If every story starts with ‘In Case You Missed It,’ eventually viewers begin wondering if the station has any actual new information,” said one analyst. “At that point, the weather forecast might read, ‘ICYMI, it’s raining right now.’”

At press time, station management was reportedly considering additional changes, including renaming the newsroom “LOL Headquarters” and replacing investigative reporting with reaction emojis.

DUDD News would like to extend its sympathies to all affected reporters, viewers, and normal old farts who still prefer complete words.

29/05/2026

🏆 TEMU CLUBBER LANG’S SEMI-GOOD MMA GYM 🏆

HOME OF THE WORLD CHAMPION DO*****AG
(10 YEARS RUNNING*)

Think you’ve got what it takes?

At TEMU Clubber Lang’s Semi-Good MMA Gym, you’ll learn:

🥊 MMA-ish Techniques
💻 Advanced Facebook Trash Talking
⌨️ Elite Keyboard Warrior Certification
📢 Professional Sign-Holding Fundamentals
🐱 Cat Appreciation & Basement Living Studies
🎭 No Kings Acting Classes
🩰 Occasional Tutu Coordination & Team Do*****ag Unity Training

WHY TRAIN WITH TEMU CLUBBER LANG?

Because being average isn’t enough.

Learn how to:
✔ Argue with strangers online for 14 hours straight
✔ Gain dozens of equally confused followers
✔ Turn every conversation into a political argument
✔ Look angry while accomplishing absolutely nothing

SPECIAL FEATURES:

🚐 Free Van Pickup
From participating fast-food establishments and select unemployment offices.
🎮 Afternoon Classes Only
We know you’ve been gaming all night and don’t want your parents asking questions.
💳 Alternative Payment Options Available
Ask about our “creative” payment plans.
📍 Daily walks with followers, but please dress down as to not look normal
(Whenever you can get a ride)

⚠ DISCLAIMER:

The MMA thing may or may not be mostly for appearances.

— TEMU CLUBBER LANG
WORLD CHAMPION DO*****AG

“I PITY THE FOOL WHO PAYS FULL PRICE!”

28/05/2026

🚨🐷 DUDD NEWS EXCLUSIVE 🐷🚨

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are reportedly launching a new national fitness campaign called:

“MAKE AMERICA TRIM AGAIN” 🇺🇸🚴

Under the fake proposal, all new vehicles would automatically shut off cellphone service once the car starts moving — not for safety reasons…
…but to force Americans to get outside and walk.

Reality TV doctor Younan Nowzaradan from My 600-lb Life allegedly backed the plan during a fictional press conference saying:

“People need to stop using WeHungry and Slowzempic. Get your fat butt up and walk.”

The so-called “Make America Trim Again” initiative would reportedly:

disable drive-thru GPS directions,
limit food delivery apps after midnight,
and reward people with free bicycle coupons for every 5,000 steps walked.

Sources say the administration believes Americans now spend more time scrolling than strolling.
One government insider reportedly stated:

“If your thumb gets more exercise than your legs, we got a problem.”

Meanwhile, lazy Americans across the country are said to be protesting by demanding electric scooters with cup holders.

More completely fake updates tonight on DUDD News.

27/05/2026

DUDD NEWS EXCLUSIVE

Mystery Finally Solved: Why The Chicken Crossed The Road

OHIO VALLEY — For decades, Americans have asked the age-old question:

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Tonight… DUDD News says we finally have the answer.

According to an explosive undercover investigation, the chicken allegedly crossed the road to meet up with local chicken pimp “Foghorn Long Leghorn,” described by authorities as “a feathered entrepreneur with questionable morals and outstanding warrants in three barnyards.”

DUDD News reporters caught up with Long Leghorn outside an undisclosed coop where he reportedly bragged:

“Everybody knows I got the best chicken butt in town. Ain’t no mystery here.”

The self-proclaimed poultry kingpin also claimed his “ladies” are some of the area’s top egg producers and warned:

“They better keep producin’ at night same way they do in the daytime… or we gonna have problems in the coop.”

Local farmers say something has definitely changed.

“For months the roosters ain’t been crowin’ right,” one farmer explained. “Some of ‘em don’t wake up till brunch now.”

Experts believe the recent arrival of “Russian hens” may be contributing to the decline of safe farm communities and traditional rooster values.

Meanwhile, Pig Pen Police Chief Crisp E. Bacon urged residents to remain alert.

“If you see suspicious activity near barns, chicken coops, or unusually confident roosters, contact the Pig Pen Police Department immediately and leave an anonymous tip,” Bacon stated during a press conference held beside a tractor tire fire.

Authorities are also investigating reports of:

late-night barnyard parties
illegal corn gambling
feather trafficking
and a black-market egg operation known only as “The Yolk Syndicate”

At press time, Foghorn Long Leghorn denied all allegations while climbing into a gold-plated feed truck blasting country music and yelling:

“I SAY, I SAY… THAT’S JUST GOOD BUSINESS, SON!”

27/05/2026

DUDD NEWS OPINION

Local Talk Show Hosts Compared To Televangelists… Minus The Jets, Money, Fame, And Interesting Lives

OHIO VALLEY — After watching documentaries about millionaire televangelists flying private jets and collecting luxury gifts from followers, local residents reportedly began comparing them to small-town talk radio hosts.

The conclusion?

“They’re basically the same thing,” one resident explained, “except the televangelists actually get paid.”

According to the study nobody asked for, local talk show personalities survive mostly on:

free sandwiches
lukewarm coffee
boring banquet invitations
stale finger foods
and the occasional ego boost from hearing themselves on the radio

Experts say both professions involve microphones, dramatic opinions, and asking strangers to listen for three straight hours.
However, the similarities reportedly end there.

Televangelists may receive private jets, mansions, luxury cars, and massive donations from followers.

Local talk show hosts?

“They get a coupon for onion rings and maybe a free hoodie from a tire shop grand opening,” one insider stated.

One longtime Ohio Valley broadcaster allegedly admitted:

“I spent 30 years building my brand and all I got was a free meatball sub and somebody yelling at me at Kroger.”

Meanwhile, another host reportedly considers himself “dangerously local,” though critics say the most dangerous thing about him is his driving.

Sources say many small-market radio personalities secretly dream of national fame, massive audiences, and standing ovations… but instead spend their afternoons arguing with callers named “Chuck from Moundsville” about parking meters.

DUDD News analysts concluded the average local talk host is essentially:

“An evangelical prosperity preacher without the prosperity.”

At press time, several broadcasters were reportedly attending another ribbon cutting ceremony in exchange for cheese cubes and public recognition nobody under 50 noticed.

25/05/2026

23/05/2026

DUDD NEWS
Loose Dogs Reported in 12th Street Alley… Turns Out They Were on a Full-Blown Memorial Day BBQ Mission

12th Street Back Alley — Residents reported what appeared to be one… possibly two… loose dogs running back and forth in the alley near 12th Street, sparking mild concern and a lot of curtain-peeking from nearby neighbors.

A DUDD News reporter managed to catch up with the fleeing pups for an exclusive interview.

The first dog — described as a “mixed breed of whatever, but cute as a puppy” — admitted the whole thing started when his powerful nose picked up a serious Memorial Day situation.

“My high-sense nose caught an odor of a Memorial Day BBQ, and it seemed like every yard had a cookout,” the pup explained while drooling uncontrollably. “It was very confusing. Burgers over here… ribs over there… hot dogs in another yard… I just couldn’t make up my mind.”

The dog said he eventually began pacing back and forth in an attempt to narrow down his options.

“I’m waiting till I really get my drool on. Then I put on my puppy homeless face and beg. I beg like I’ve been neglected and growled up in the Roman Empire as a guard dog on small rations.”

A second dog — who asked to keep his breed anonymous for fear of neighborhood embarrassment — said he only got involved because, in his words:

“I do whatever Rover does, and it gets me in trouble every time.”

The mystery mutt went on to tell DUDD News about a previous incident involving a late-night escape attempt gone terribly wrong.

“Some dude with a badge shined a light on us, and Rover yelled, ‘Run like Forrest!’ I got confused and thought he said into the forest. Next thing I know, I had a noose around my neck and Rover was GONE. Wanna talk about miserable. What kind of friend was he?”

The dog then made it clear their friendship may never fully recover.

“I won’t let him sniff my butt no more. I’ve had it.”

But the drama didn’t stop there.
The second pup said his owners later installed an invisible fence, which he learned about the hard way.

“I took off running and WHAMM… ZAPP! My butt flipped over and I thought I was a goner.”

That’s when the dogs allegedly began what they described as a “Shawshank-style tunnel project.”
“Rover and I started digging. It took awhile, but the tunnel was completed… and here we are. Hopefully my owners don’t fill it in. At least they won’t have to trim my nails for awhile.”

As of press time, both dogs were reportedly still undecided on which Memorial Day cookout to raid first, but officials say several unattended hot dogs are considered at high risk.

22/05/2026

BREAKING: WHEELING HALF-MARATHON NOW CUT IN HALF AFTER ORGANIZERS SAY “THIS COURSE LOOKED WAY TOO HARD”

WHEELING, W.Va. — In a stunning act of self-awareness, organizers of this weekend’s Wheeling Half-Marathon reportedly drove the race course, looked at all the hills, curves, and long stretches, and collectively said, “Absolutely not.”

As a result, the event has officially been downgraded to a Half of a Half Marathon, cutting the race distance in half “to promote comfort, convenience, and fewer dramatic breathing incidents.”
Officials say the decision was made after concerns that the original route was “a little aggressive for people who enjoy exercise in theory.”

Changes Under the New Plan:
Half of a Half Marathon now replaces the original race, giving runners a more manageable distance and “a realistic chance of survival.”

Participants may now grab one of Wheeling’s proposed electric bikes anywhere along the route if they feel they need “a competitive advantage or a snack break.”
Water stations will also include chairs, encouragement, and maybe gravy.

Sunday Event Also Rebranded
Organizers have also announced Sunday’s “Tough as Nails” Urban Challenge will now become:

SOFT AS PUDDING
The redesigned event focuses on inclusion, comfort, and activities with less emotional strain.
New challenge stations may include:
Light walking
Sitting down for a while
Finding shade
Controlled stretching
Avoiding steep hills
A participation ribbon just for showing up

One fake spokesperson told DUDD News:
“We wanted to make sure everyone felt included. Not everybody wants to climb walls and drag tires. Some people just want to pace themselves and maybe hold pudding.”
Officials denied accusations of discrimination, saying all body types are welcome and adding that “America’s processed foods approved by the government may have played a role in recent training setbacks.”

The city is also reportedly considering placing electric bikes all along the course “just in case somebody starts out ambitious and regrets it by mile one.”
Race organizers remind participants that whining is allowed, shortcuts are encouraged, and pudding supplies may be limited.

DUDD NEWS DISCLAIMER: This story is parody, satire, and completely fake. Not real news. Laugh more, believe less.