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AZ News, Wickenburg, AZ (2026)

08/21/2026

AZ NEWS

“I’m Just Here to Work Out,” Says Local Woman Taking 47 Selfies

PHOENIX, AZ — Local woman Marisol Hernández is reportedly baffled by the amount of attention she receives from men at her local gym, despite spending much of her workout taking selfies, recording videos, and posing in front of mirrors.

“I seriously don't understand why men keep looking at me,” Hernández said Tuesday.

“I'm literally just here to work out.”

Witnesses, however, say Hernández arrived wearing a matching spandex workout outfit and immediately placed her phone on a tripod.

“She spent about 20 minutes taking pictures before she touched a weight,” said one gym employee. “Then she did three squats, checked the pictures, changed outfits, and took another 15.”

Hernández says she has no interest whatsoever in attracting male attention.
“I don't dress like this for men,” she explained. “I dress like this because it's comfortable.”

She then reportedly spent several minutes adjusting her sports bra before recording a slow-motion video of herself walking toward the camera.

The video was captioned:

“Just me. My goals. My grind. 💪🏼🔥 ”

According to Hernández, the situation became particularly irritating when a man approached her and asked for her phone number.

“I said, ‘Why would you think I'm interested in you?’” she said.

When asked what she thought might have given him that impression, Hernández reportedly stared at the reporter for several seconds before responding:

“Honestly? Men are just weird.”

The man in question declined to comment but reportedly said he had watched Hernández spend 12 minutes filming herself doing cable kickbacks.

Gym employees say Hernández has become something of a local celebrity, although she insists she is “not trying to be seen.”

“She has 36,000 followers on Instagram,” said one employee. “Her bio literally says, ‘Watch me transform.’”

Hernández dismissed the criticism.

“Followers don't mean I want attention,” she said.

At press time, Hernández was reportedly preparing to upload a 17-slide Instagram carousel documenting her “private and peaceful” workout.

The first photo was a mirror selfie.

The second was another mirror selfie.

The remaining 15 were apparently “for progress tracking.”

Hernández has also reportedly announced that she will be returning to the gym tomorrow.

“Hopefully I can just work out in peace,” she said.

She then posted a selfie announcing what time she would be there.

08/15/2026

BREAKING NEWS: Kentucky Derby Committee Calls Emergency Meeting After 1967 Mustang Identifies as a Horse

LOUISVILLE, KY — The Kentucky Derby Committee has called an emergency meeting after a 1967 Ford Mustang entered the conversation surrounding this year's race by declaring that it identifies as a horse.
The controversy began when the classic blue Mustang reportedly pointed out that its name is, in fact, “Mustang”—a word commonly associated with a horse.

“I've been called a Mustang my entire life,” the vehicle reportedly said. “Mustangs are horses. Therefore, I am a horse. I don't understand why everyone is making this so complicated.”

The committee apparently did not have an immediate answer.

COMMITTEE MEMBERS LEFT SPEECHLESS

Officials gathered behind closed doors Thursday to determine whether a vehicle can qualify as a horse simply because it shares the name of one.

The Mustang reportedly arrived at the meeting with flames painted along its sides, 320 horsepower under the hood, and smoke coming from its tires.

“I have four legs—well, technically four wheels,” the Mustang argued. “I run. I have 320 horsepower. I'm a Mustang. What more evidence do you people need?”

Committee members reportedly asked the vehicle to demonstrate that it could actually run in the Kentucky Derby.

The Mustang responded by doing a burnout.

Officials were reportedly not convinced, although several witnesses described the demonstration as “extremely persuasive.”

320 HORSEPOWER BECOMES KEY EVIDENCE

The Mustang's strongest argument reportedly came from the specifications sheet.

320 HORSEPOWER.

“Look at the numbers,” the Mustang said. “The manufacturer literally says I have 320 horsepower.”

Committee officials reportedly clarified that “horsepower” is a unit of engine power and does not mean the vehicle contains 320 actual horses.

The Mustang allegedly responded:

“That's exactly what someone would say when they don't want to recognize my horse identity.”

MUSTANG NAME CREATES NEW PROBLEM

The committee's biggest challenge may be the vehicle's name.

According to sources, officials spent hours debating whether Mustang refers exclusively to a wild horse or whether the name can also legally apply to an automobile.

One committee member reportedly asked:
“If a Mustang is a horse, and this car is a Mustang, doesn't that make this a horse?”
Another reportedly replied:

“No. It's a car named Mustang.”

The first committee member then asked:
“But what if the car identifies as a Mustang?”

The meeting was immediately recessed.

KENTUCKY DERBY ENTRY UNDER CONSIDERATION

Sources say the committee is now considering whether to allow the 1967 Mustang to enter the race under a special category.

Potential classifications reportedly include:
Thoroughbred
Quarter Horse
Mustang
Automobile
Horse-adjacent vehicle
Spiritually equine
“We'll figure it out later”

The Mustang has reportedly demanded equal treatment.

“I don't need special treatment,” it said. “I just need the same opportunity as every other horse.”

When asked whether it could jump over fences, the Mustang allegedly replied:
“I can jump a curb.”

When asked whether it could eat hay, it responded:

“I run on premium.”

THE COMMITTEE'S FINAL QUESTION

After hours of deliberation, officials reportedly reduced the entire controversy to one question:

“What exactly is a horse?”

Unfortunately, nobody at the meeting could agree on the answer.

The committee has therefore postponed its decision until further notice.

Meanwhile, the 1967 Mustang remains parked outside the Derby grounds, engine running, tires smoking, patiently waiting for officials to recognize what it has apparently known all along:

It is a Mustang.

Mustangs are horses.

Therefore, according to the Mustang, case closed.

08/12/2026

Nation’s Colleges Abolish Grades Entirely After Discovering Students Are Expected to Actually Do Things

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what education officials are calling “the boldest advance in higher education since the invention of the campus coffee shop,” colleges and universities across the United States announced Tuesday that they will eliminate grades, attendance requirements, tests, homework, and eventually, the concept of academic achievement itself.

The sweeping reforms follow the University of Michigan’s announcement that beginning in fall 2027, first-year students in its College of Literature, Science, and the Arts will receive Pass/No Credit designations for their first semester rather than traditional letter grades. Michigan says the initiative is intended to help students acclimate to college and address the mental-health crisis among college-aged individuals. Actual grades will still be recorded internally, but will not appear on students’ transcripts or affect their GPAs.

University presidents nationwide apparently heard the news and asked the only reasonable question:

“Why stop there?”

By Wednesday morning, the National Association of Universities announced a new voluntary framework under which participating institutions will no longer issue grades at any point during a student’s undergraduate career.

“We initially thought students might need one semester to adjust,” said one university provost. “Then we realized that every semester contains potentially stressful things. Midterms are stressful. Finals are stressful. Papers are stressful. Showing up to class is stressful. Eventually we had to ask ourselves: What exactly are we protecting them from?”

The answer, officials agreed, was college.

New National Graduation Standard: 10% Attendance

Under the new framework, students will be eligible for graduation provided they attend at least 10 percent of their classes.

The remaining 90 percent, officials said, will be left to “personal growth.”

“We don’t want students feeling like they have to be in class every day just because they’re enrolled in the class,” said one dean. “That kind of expectation can create an unhealthy relationship with education.”

The 10-percent threshold was selected after extensive research.

“We considered 5 percent,” the dean explained. “But we didn’t want to be unreasonable.”

Students will no longer be required to take final examinations, submit papers, complete problem sets, participate in laboratories, or demonstrate proficiency in their chosen field.

Instead, professors will submit one of three evaluations:

* Present
* Spiritually Present
* Unable to Attend Due to Academic Pressure

A fourth category, “Was Thinking About It,” is being considered for graduate programs.

Tests Reclassified as “Potentially Harmful Events”

The American Council on Higher Education issued new guidance recommending that professors “carefully reconsider” the use of examinations.

“Imagine being 19 years old,” the report states, “and being told that on Tuesday at 10 a.m. you will be required to recall information you spent several weeks studying.”

Officials described the practice as “an unnecessary escalation.”

Multiple universities have already begun replacing exams with less threatening alternatives.

At one prominent institution, students will now receive their final grade based on a 400-word reflection answering the question:

“How do you feel you would have performed on the exam?”

Students who indicate that they would have performed poorly will receive an A for self-awareness.

Homework Will Be Optional, Then Eventually Discouraged

Homework is expected to disappear by 2028.

“We found that assigning students work to do outside of class can interfere with their ability to relax after class,” explained one faculty senate member.

The new policy will encourage professors to “honor the sacred boundary between academic time and personal time.”

When asked when students are supposed to study, the professor paused.

“We’re still working through that.”

Libraries are reportedly being converted into wellness centers.

Books will remain available, but students will no longer be expected to read them.

The New GPA: Good Personal Attitude

The traditional 4.0 GPA will be replaced by a new metric called GPA — General Personal Accomplishment.

Students will be evaluated on such factors as:

* Showing up occasionally
* Being nice to classmates
* Having a LinkedIn account
* Expressing interest in learning
* Knowing where the student union is
* Successfully navigating the financial-aid website
* Responding to at least one professor email per semester

A student who completes all four years without dropping out will automatically receive a Distinguished Persistence Certificate.

Professors Will Also Be Graded

In a move praised as “student-centered,” universities will begin evaluating professors primarily on whether their classes make students feel good.

Course evaluations will now ask:

“Did this professor challenge you in any way that could potentially have caused temporary discomfort?”

If more than 12 percent of students answer “yes,” the professor will be required to attend a workshop titled “Rethinking Expectations: When Is a Standard Actually a Barrier?”

Professors who give a student a grade below an A may be asked to explain why they believed the student needed to know that.

Employers Express Confusion

The new policies have created some concern among employers, who say they would still like to know whether college graduates can perform basic tasks.

“We hired someone who majored in engineering,” said one CEO. “We asked him to calculate something.”

“What happened?”

“He said the request triggered academic anxiety.”

“And what did you do?”

“We apologized.”

Universities have assured employers that transcripts will contain plenty of useful information.

For example:

Bachelor of Arts — Completed

Major: Whatever You Feel Best Represents Your Journey

GPA: See Attached Wellness Assessment

Attendance: Technically

Academic Standing: Positive

Students Applaud the Changes

Students across the country greeted the announcement enthusiastically.

“I haven’t felt this academically supported since kindergarten,” said one sophomore.

Another student said she was relieved to learn that she could graduate despite never attending her 8 a.m. lecture.

“I’ve always believed education should meet students where they are,” she said.

“Where are you?”

“My apartment.”

The National Student Wellness Coalition issued a statement praising the reforms as “an important first step toward eliminating the dangerous expectation that young adults should be able to tolerate disappointment.”

Universities Promise More Reforms

University officials emphasized that the changes are only temporary until they can determine what comes next.

“We’re starting with grades,” one administrator said. “But eventually, we’d like to address degrees.”

When asked whether students might someday be required to demonstrate that they actually learned something before receiving a diploma, the administrator looked visibly concerned.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

A committee has already been formed to study whether the word “student” itself creates unhealthy performance expectations.

Its preliminary recommendation is to replace it with “person currently experiencing higher education.”

The committee’s final report is expected in 2031.

Assuming everyone feels up to finishing it.

08/11/2026

🚨 BREAKING: WNBA Task Force Faces Immediate Challenge: Defining “Woman”

PHOENIX, AZ — The WNBA's ongoing controversy over transgender participation in women's basketball has reached a new level following comments from Indiana Fever guard Sophie Cunningham and the tongue-in-cheek declarations of former NBA players Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White that they intend to enter the 2027 WNBA Draft.

With the league now preparing to discuss its transgender-athlete policy, Commissioner Cathy Engelbert has reportedly discovered that one seemingly simple question may be considerably more complicated than expected:

What, exactly, is a woman?

The WNBA's current agreement says that players who are “women” are eligible, but does not provide an exhaustive definition of the term. The issue became considerably more urgent after Kanter Freedom and White announced their intentions to declare for the WNBA Draft while identifying as women.

Enter the task force

Engelbert has assembled a panel of prominent voices to help the league navigate the unprecedented situation.
The panel consists of:

Cathy Engelbert
Rachel Levine
Sen. Sarah McBride
Elliot Page
Lia Thomas
Caitlyn Jenner
The first meeting reportedly began with a straightforward agenda item:

“Please define woman.”

According to sources familiar with the completely fictional proceedings, the meeting lasted approximately six hours.

“This should be easy.”

In the initial proceedings, Engelbert opened the meeting by reminding the panel that the league had never anticipated needing to provide a comprehensive philosophical, biological, legal and medical definition of the word.

Cathy Engelbert: “When we wrote ‘players who are women,’ we thought everybody understood what we meant. Then Enes and Royce called our bluff.”

“I have a medical degree. I was hoping somebody brought a dictionary.”

Rachel Levine: “I was asked to bring medical expertise. Unfortunately, nobody told me whether we're defining s*x, gender, identity, or eligibility for professional basketball. I brought three binders and a headache.”

“Perhaps the real woman was the friends we made along the way.”

Sen. Sarah McBride: “I think we need to begin by recognizing that womanhood is a deeply personal experience. That said, I was not prepared for a 6-foot-10 former NBA player to submit a WNBA application before this meeting ended.”

“I've played characters with fewer identity questions.”

Elliot Page: “As an actor, I've spent my career exploring identity. But I have to admit, I didn't expect my next role to involve determining whether Enes Kanter can play power forward for the Phoenix Mercury.”

“I just want everyone to remember that swimming is also a sport.”

Lia Thomas: “I understand why people are asking questions about fairness and eligibility. I also understand why the league probably wishes Enes and Royce had chosen pickleball instead.”

“You want my opinion? I've already won an Olympic gold medal.”

Caitlyn Jenner: “I've been around sports long enough to know that biology matters in athletic competition. Apparently I'm now here to explain that to a committee that includes me.”

The Kanter–White problem

White subsequently addressed the backlash, joking about being in his “feminine era,” while the two former NBA players' announcements have become a major part of the broader debate.

That has left the league with a potentially awkward question:

If gender identity alone determines eligibility, what prevents any male athlete from declaring that he is a woman and entering the draft?

And if biological s*x is ultimately part of the eligibility criteria, the league will have to explain exactly where it draws the line.

One thing everyone agrees on

The WNBA's task force is expected to continue discussions surrounding transgender participation, and Engelbert has emphasized that the league intends to approach the issue thoughtfully and respectfully.

But if the events of the past week are any indication, the league may discover that defining the word “woman” is considerably easier than explaining the definition to everyone who has an opinion about it.

And somewhere in the background, Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White are apparently filling out their draft paperwork.

08/08/2026

🚨 AZ NEWS -, “AIR BUD” ENTERS WNBA DEBATE: FAMOUS BASKETBALL DOG IDENTIFIES AS FEMALE AND DECLARES FOR 2027 DRAFT

PHOENIX — The WNBA’s increasingly complicated debate over eligibility, inclusion and who should be allowed to compete in women’s professional basketball took an unexpected turn Friday when Buddy — the legendary golden retriever who starred in the 1997 basketball classic Air Bud — announced that he is now identifying as a female dog and intends to file for eligibility in the 2027 WNBA Draft.

And unlike some of the other prospective applicants, Buddy actually has a basketball résumé.

The original Buddy became famous playing the title character in Air Bud, in which a golden retriever demonstrates an extraordinary ability to play basketball. The real-life canine star was also known for performing a variety of sports.

So when Buddy’s representatives were asked whether he had any legitimate basketball experience, they reportedly responded:

“Have you seen the movie?”

THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Buddy’s declaration comes amid a heated national conversation about transgender athletes and women’s sports.

Indiana Fever guard Sophie Cunningham has publicly argued that biological men should not compete in women’s sports.

But Cunningham’s position has faced pushback from other figures in the basketball world, including coaches and players who have argued that exclusion isn’t necessarily the answer. That debate has become even more complicated with reports of former NBA players announcing plans to pursue eligibility for the 2027 WNBA Draft.

Buddy apparently watched all of this unfold and came to one conclusion:

“If everybody else is filing, I’m filing.”

BUDDY’S STATEMENT

According to his representatives, Buddy released the following statement:

“I have spent my entire career being told that a dog can’t play basketball.”

“Then I proved everybody wrong.”

“Now I’m being told a dog can’t play in the WNBA.”

“Sounds familiar.”

Buddy then allegedly dunked a miniature basketball.

FROM AIR BUD TO AIR BUD WNBA?

Buddy’s representatives say their client’s basketball credentials are difficult to dispute.

He has:

* Played organized basketball
* Made impossible shots
* Mastered the crossover
* Demonstrated elite rebounding instincts
* Played in front of hostile crowds
* Appeared in multiple basketball-related films
* Already worn basketball shoes
* Been told repeatedly that “there’s no rule that says a dog can’t play basketball”

That last argument could prove especially interesting during the eligibility hearing.

THE BIG QUESTION

The WNBA’s eligibility rules, however, present an obvious obstacle.

Buddy is a dog.

A very famous dog.

A very athletic dog.

But still a dog.

His legal team reportedly intends to argue that the league should evaluate him based on his athletic ability rather than species.

League officials have not commented.

Neither has Buddy.

Mostly because he cannot talk.

CUNNINGHAM: “HE’S A DOG.”

When informed of Buddy’s announcement, Cunningham reportedly paused.

“Wait,” she said. “The Air Bud dog?”

After being told that Buddy identifies as a female dog and wants to play in the WNBA, Cunningham reportedly responded:

“I don’t even know what to say to that.”

Buddy’s representatives say that’s exactly the reaction they were hoping for.

THE 2027 DRAFT JUST GOT WEIRD

With former NBA players reportedly expressing interest in the 2027 WNBA Draft and an ongoing debate over the league’s eligibility policies, Buddy believes his candidacy deserves consideration.

His argument is simple:

He’s already proven he can play basketball.

And unlike everyone else involved in the debate, Buddy has actual film.

Lots of film.

Mostly from 1997.

BUDDY’S DRAFT STOCK

Scouts are reportedly intrigued.

Strengths: Elite athleticism, four-legged acceleration, natural ball handling, tremendous leaping ability and an uncanny ability to locate the nearest basketball.

Weaknesses: Can’t shoot free throws, doesn’t understand traveling, routinely chases the officials, and may abandon the offense if someone opens a bag of treats.

One scout summarized Buddy’s candidacy this way:

“He may be the only draft prospect whose highlight reel literally starts with Air Bud.”

THE FINAL WORD

Buddy’s representatives say the message isn’t complicated.

He doesn’t want special treatment.

He doesn’t want guaranteed minutes.

He just wants an opportunity.

And, apparently, a locker.

“I’ve spent 30 years proving a dog can play basketball,” Buddy reportedly said through his handlers. “Now I’m asking the WNBA to let me prove I can play in the league.”

The 2027 WNBA Draft may never be the same.

And somewhere, a golden retriever is practicing her crossover.

08/07/2026

BREAKING: NCAA Braces for Buc-ee’s Lawsuit Blitz as Colleges Begin Replacing Animal Mascots With Household Objects
TEMPE, AZ — College football fans across the country are facing an unprecedented crisis this fall—not on the field, but in the mascot department.

Following Buc-ee’s latest legal battle against a small Ohio convenience store featuring a beaver logo, universities nationwide are reportedly scrambling to determine whether their mascots could somehow be interpreted as an infringement on the Texas-based travel center’s intellectual property.

The concern is simple:

If Buc-ee’s can sue a small business over a beaver mascot, what’s stopping them from coming after college athletic programs with animals?

Nobody knows.

And apparently, neither does anyone want to find out.

Buc-ee’s recently filed a federal trademark lawsuit against Beaver’s Mini Mart in Ohio, alleging that the store’s cartoon beaver logo and red branding could cause consumer confusion. The case has generated significant attention because the defendant is a small, locally owned business.

Now, universities are reportedly asking themselves a terrifying question:

“Could our mascot be next?”

NCAA Teams Begin Emergency Mascot Rebranding

Sources familiar with absolutely nothing have confirmed that several major universities have begun quietly exploring new mascots that contain zero animals, zero people, zero mammals, zero birds, zero reptiles and preferably nothing that could possibly smile.

Penn State administrators were reportedly the first to act.

Penn State Paper Clips

The Nittany Lion has apparently been deemed too risky.

Beginning this fall, Penn State will reportedly become the Penn State Paper Clips.

The new mascot, “Clip,” is a giant silver paper clip.

University officials say the mascot was selected because it is “not alive, does not wear a hat, and has never appeared on a gas station sign.”

“We considered a stapler,” one administrator said, “but we didn't want to create a legal situation with Office Depot.”

University of Florida Flip Flops

The Florida Gators are also reportedly taking no chances.

The university has announced plans to replace its alligator with a new mascot:
The Florida Flip Flop.

The mascot will be a giant orange-and-blue sandal.

University officials say the new mascot “captures the spirit of Florida while remaining completely incapable of being confused with a cartoon animal.”

The only concern is that Buc-ee’s sells footwear.

“We're monitoring the situation,” officials said.

University of Georgia Rectangles

Georgia is reportedly going even further.

The Bulldogs are out.
The new mascot?

The Georgia Rectangle.

Not a bulldog-shaped rectangle.
Not a rectangle wearing a hat.
Just a rectangle.

“We wanted something that couldn't possibly be confused with an animal,” said one university spokesman. “Then someone reminded us that a rectangle can technically resemble a door, and now our lawyers are reviewing that.”

Gonzaga Gravel

Gonzaga has reportedly announced perhaps the safest mascot in college athletics:

The Gonzaga Gravel.

The mascot will consist of one approximately 2.3-inch gray rock.

Officials say the gravel has “no known trademark conflicts.”

There are, however, concerns that Buc-ee’s may eventually argue that the gravel resembles the gravel found in its parking lots.

“We're prepared to settle for a pile of sand if necessary,” Gonzaga officials said.

The Professional Sports World Has Already Been Through This

The NCAA isn't the first level of American sports to experience a mascot identity crisis.
Washington's NFL franchise abandoned its former Redskins name in 2020 and eventually became the Commanders, while Cleveland's MLB team dropped the Indians name and became the Guardians in 2021.

Both changes came amid long-running controversy surrounding Native American imagery and names.

Now, according to sources, college administrators are asking:

“What if we just eliminate animals altogether?”

The result could be the most confusing college football season in history.
Imagine:

Alabama Paperweights vs. Penn State Paper Clips.

Georgia Rectangles vs. Florida Flip Flops.

Gonzaga Gravel vs. Arizona Traffic Cones.

Texas A&M Extension Cords vs. Oklahoma Staplers.

And the rivalry everyone has been waiting for:

Arizona State Sun Devils vs. University of Arizona ... Tax Forms?

Arizona State officials reportedly considered replacing Sparky with a sunbeam, but lawyers warned that sunlight could potentially resemble Buc-ee's illuminated roadside signage.

Arizona then reportedly considered a cactus.

Rejected.

“It has arms,” lawyers allegedly explained.
The university eventually settled on a W-2 form.

Buc-ee's Responds

When asked whether Buc-ee’s intends to sue colleges with animal mascots, the company reportedly responded:

“We cannot comment on pending, future, or hypothetical litigation.”

When asked whether a paper clip could be confused with a beaver, a company representative reportedly paused.

“Does the paper clip have a hat?”
“No.”

“Then we're reviewing it.”

NCAA Announces New Mascot Guidelines

In response, the NCAA has reportedly issued an emergency 847-page mascot compliance manual.

Under the proposed rules, universities may use:

Geometric shapes
Office supplies
Kitchen utensils
Rocks
Generic footwear
Tax documents
Electrical cords
Traffic cones
Unidentified pieces of hardware

Prohibited mascots reportedly include:
Beavers
Squirrels
Bears
Bulldogs
Gators
Tigers
Wildcats
Eagles
Cardinals
Sun Devils
Anything with whiskers
Anything wearing a hat
Anything that could theoretically be mistaken for something wearing a hat

The NCAA is also reportedly considering banning mascots with facial expressions, just to be safe.

“At Least Nobody Can Sue a Rectangle”

College administrators remain optimistic.

“There's something beautiful about a completely meaningless mascot,” said one fictional university president. “Nobody can be offended by it, nobody can confuse it with a gas station mascot, and nobody has ever seen a rectangle on a billboard and thought, ‘That must be Buc-ee's.’”

For now, universities across America are preparing for the possibility that the future of college athletics may no longer involve animals at all.

The next generation of college football stars could proudly represent The Paper Clips, The Flip Flops, The Rectangles and The Gravel.

And somewhere in Texas, a lawyer is allegedly looking at a rock and whispering:

“That looks familiar.”

08/07/2026

AZ BREAKING NEWS: Iran “Close to a Deal” for the 713th Time, Pentagon Announces Emergency Water Balloon Readiness Plan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what officials are calling “the closest deal yet” for what appears to be the 713th time, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that Iran is once again “very close” to reaching an agreement, causing U.S. military planners to delay a potential strike while diplomats search for the mysterious final sentence of the agreement.

The announcement marks another chapter in the ongoing saga of “the deal that is almost done but somehow never actually arrives.”

Sources familiar with the negotiations say the phrase “we’re very close to a deal” has now been repeated so many times that the White House has created a new cabinet position: Special Assistant for Counting Almost-Deals.

Recent reports have highlighted repeated moments where Trump has said negotiations were nearing completion, followed by warnings of military action if Iran failed to cooperate.

“Everybody said this was the final stretch,” said one fictional administration official. “Then we entered another final stretch. Then another. At this point, we are basically running a marathon made entirely of final stretches.”

Pentagon: Strike Delayed, Missile Inventory Also Taking a Break

While President Trump continues to weigh whether to authorize another strike, Pentagon officials reportedly face an unexpected challenge: finding something to launch.

“Normally, the plan would involve advanced military systems,” said fictional Defense Department spokesman Col. Rick Hammer.

“But after years of preparing for every possible scenario, we may have to move to Phase Two.”

That phase?

The Water Balloon Contingency.

Military planners confirmed they have begun reviewing emergency supplies of brightly colored backyard ammunition stored near the Pentagon’s summer morale division.

“If diplomacy fails and the missile inventory needs a minute, we are prepared to deploy the nation’s most advanced splash technology,” Hammer said. “The balloons are filled. The buckets are ready. The enemy will never see the Super Soaker strategy coming.”

Iran Negotiators Reportedly Confused

Iranian officials reportedly responded to the latest “close to a deal” announcement by asking whether the United States was referring to the same deal from yesterday, last week, or the one that was “basically finished except for everything.”

Diplomats admitted the negotiations have become difficult to track.

“We have folders labeled ‘almost done,’ ‘really almost done,’ and ‘final almost done,’” said one fictional negotiator. “We are running out of names.”

Military Officials Hope for Resolution Before Summer Camp Season

Analysts say the United States hopes to avoid relying on its water balloon reserves, which are normally reserved for Fourth of July celebrations and neighborhood disputes.

“We would prefer a peaceful agreement,” said one fictional general. “Nobody wants to explain to Congress why the next military operation involved a giant bucket of water balloons.”

As of press time, officials announced Iran was “closer than ever” to a deal.

The announcement was followed by another announcement saying the deal was “even closer than that.”

Then another announcement saying officials were “just waiting on one more thing.”

That one thing remains unidentified. But sources say it is believed to be “almost finished.”

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