12/31/2023
I remember when I woke up in a Motel 6
3 Glass Relics, I couldn’t scrape a fix.
In a room full of strangers as lost as me,
I had no clue where I’d sleep that night.
What I would eat, where the hell id even p*e.
All I could do was what I did best.
Run
I’ve passed this test, 10 yards short so many times.
I packed my bag, 2 bleached stained pants, 2 shirts, I got dressed.
I found a curb suitable for my daily quest.
To get right by lunch then figure out the rest.
But my mind was out of resources.
I was alone, sad, dope sick and stressed.
As I sat on that curb, I watched the strangers leave in a hooptie that carried last nights sleaze,
My heart sank.
I was at a crossroad I didn’t see but I needed a reprieve.
The day, year, decade before I had been accepted by so many rehabs.
They watched me clean up.
Just to end up screaming on my way out to leave
Alone on that curb I had no belief,
The day before I was finally rejected by the detox that I hoped would be my relief.
My crutches broke, my plans took a back seat.
So, f**king hungry, I had to eat.
Depleted and craving 10 different things,
Anything.
I just needed to get right enough,
Just for a moment of light warm and free.
But the path I needed to be on,
I couldn’t conceive
It wasn’t me who took the path,
An angel caught me off guard.
As I was digging through my urine stained bad for a shard
I thought I saved the night before but every time I picked it up, I couldn’t see it anymore.
The angel told me to look at her fold my hands and pray.
I wasn’t ready but I looked and reached my hand out anyway.
In a moment my feet hit the pavement
I walked down the road of least resistance
The angel showed me a nice soft spot on the grass under a shade tree.
She said stay right here, ill be right back you’ll see.
I sat and watched people in cars get 8 dollar cups of coffee as my stomach growled.
My dry state of mind pushed my emotions down so I wouldn’t have to look at all my internal scars.
Dazed in psychosis for weeks before I began to doze off.
I felt the soft touch of an angel on my shoulder.
She carried a brown bag with a yellow M and 3 quarter pound burgers that brought me back to consciousness.
As the Coca-Cola hit the back of my bone dry throat the angel vanished
All alone with an empty bag, & 3 dead chicken bones.
Looking around I saw a hotel with a few missing cameras.
I inched closer and closer as I scorched black smoke v***r into the air.
I settled into a corner,
I felt safe.
No one could see me.
I thought this could be my new home.
Behind a trash can
Two walls
A cement pads.
And my urine stained bag
I had forgotten the angel.
Clinching my fists, staring at the sky,
I opened my phone and got a text from the guy.
Left on read but stuck in my head.
The text said.
My name is.
Today I am grateful.
I made a commitment to stay clean and sober just for today.
Then it hit me, the angel I so quickly forgot hadn’t left at all.
She brushed her fingers on my cheek, picked up my chin, lifted my head, and shot me a grin.
“Text him back,” she said. So, I did.
When I did, my scars were starting to show,
There was only one place to go, forward.
My name is Jake.
I am grateful today.
Today I made a commitment to stay clean and sober just for today.
I did it, one day at a time.
Somedays I wake up in the silence,
I start to miss the violence,
That clouded my places of solace.
I crave old habits that give nothing to save.
They shave off layers of skin off my face.
I feel like a slave to myself.
But now I’m amazed,
Not stuck in a daze.
Its feels like a maze,
But this is the shot I’ve chased for 30 years.
I’m finally at the start of my race.
You might see my pace,
I promise it’s nothing against you!
I’m just finding my place in a world I don’t know but want so f**king bad.
I see people who smile
They show up in piles,
Some walk miles and miles,
Saving there happy new life for 1 hour a night
So why do we fight?
I’ve met the devil
I’ve seen his face
He stabbed my heart with tiny darts that over time I became numb to.
I lost sight of what was even going on.
I bled out, missed out, lost track,
Undefended blind attacks,
Walking dead.
Gave up my bed!
Make it nightly for the demon that f**ked me into a new dimension!
I lost my mind completely!
I lost my soul to my master!
Presented in gold
I gifted it so nice and neatly!
I was bleeding out…
Til this secret I found out!
I let go of all my doubt,
It’s hard, but i don’t have to live without.
I apologize for taking you down the path of my past but it’s imperative for my health as I come back from being dead.
The house I grew up in was a brick building of many colors.
I was sheltered from the houses that hold all my dead brothers,
And crying mothers.
They weep and pray but come what may.
Innocent they beg all day for us to back to them someday.
So how do I get free?
From the chains that tie me down to my crown that says king baby.
I found an answer, I think so maybe.
It’s the power of connection!
Fused together by an invisible force I now feel daily.
Is freedom free?
I’ve seen first hand that it’s not.
But how do I control myself in the chaos?
What we’ve grown up in?
What we’ve been taught?
Letting go of pain, grief, loss, entitlement, it all costs.
Find relief and restoration!
Through my tears I find my inspiration!
So turn of your station!
Listen up!
Come each day with an empty cup!
Fill up! With something new!
That so many die with a final thought wishing they could choose!
How to live,
Change,
Be free from deathly chains.
Bleed out the devil, drink in life
Stab him out with a knife
You are worth a whole new life.
So stop the fight.
Stop the things we glorify,
Testify,
but keep us up at night.
You are worth a whole new life.
You are enough.
I am enough.
Connection is enough.
Here and Now,
I’m stuck with myself in a place I’ve never been
New people,
New feelings,
New sensations.
I don’t know how I’ll get through this.
Here and Now, I’m stuck with myself in a place I’ve never been.New people, New feelings, New sensations. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.Somedays I wa...
