04/08/2025
COURTROOM REVIEW
A straightforward question: What exactly is your point?
Judge: Whose wish are we talking about?
Lawyer: The family’s, Your Honor. Their spokesperson says they want him buried in South Africa.
Judge: And why is that?
Lawyer: Because they don’t want HH anywhere near the body.
Judge: So you're actually asking this South African court to block the sitting president of another sovereign country from attending a funeral?
This week, the courtroom resembled less a formal judicial proceeding and more a scene from a legal-themed comedy skit—featuring a lawyer who looked like he received his law degree in the parking lot moments before the hearing, and a judge whose patience was thinning by the second.
Representing the Lungu family, the lawyer fumbled through his arguments with the energy of a nervous apprentice—prompting some courtroom spectators to wonder if this was either performance art or a lost intern trying to improvise his way through the day.
The judge quickly cut in, clearly unimpressed.
JUDGE: "Let’s be clear, Counsel. We’re discussing the burial of a former president, not family drama over who holds the TV remote. This wish—who made it? Was it the late president himself, or just a spokesperson channeling spirits with a Ouija board?"
Clearly rattled, the lawyer leaned forward like he was about to confess a secret.
LAWYER: (Mumbling) "Your Honor, the family just doesn’t want President Hichilema near the body. It’s about maintaining posthumous personal space, if you will."
The judge massaged his temples, clearly regretting his career choices.
JUDGE: (Dryly) "With all due respect to the family’s uniquely political sensitivities… why didn’t you consult Makebi, a Zambian lawyer, and take this matter to a Zambian court—you know, where Zambian law actually applies?"
The lawyer lit up like he’d discovered the final answer on a game show.
LAWYER: "Because, Your Honor, there's no law stopping anyone from burying a former Zambian president in South Africa. It's a perfectly legal gray area—wide enough to drive a hearse through."
The judge stared at him in disbelief.
JUDGE: (Sarcastically) "Let me get this right. You want this court, in this country, to issue a restraining order against the president of another sovereign nation? What’s next—should we send sheriffs to Lusaka with a strongly worded note? Maybe even outlaw sad music and bad weather at the funeral?"
The courtroom fell silent as the judge’s sarcasm echoed.
This case, now unofficially known as “The Great Jurisdictional Funeral Fiasco,” continues to baffle legal minds—and entertain just about everyone else.
