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The Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone Just Diagnosed With CancerSome well-meaning phrases don't always go over wel...
07/08/2025

The Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone Just Diagnosed With Cancer

Some well-meaning phrases don't always go over well.
By ANGELA HAUPT
HAUPT IS A HEALTH AND WELLNESS EDITOR AT TIME. SHE COVERS HAPPINESS AND ACTIONABLE WAYS TO LIVE WELL.

When Katie Thurston was diagnosed with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer earlier this year, at age 34, people kept telling her they knew someone with the same diagnosis. Solidarity, you might think. A helpful way to relate. Not exactly: Their friend or family member had died.
This scenario is “pretty recurring,” says Thurston, who starred on season 17 of The Bachelorette, and while people have good intentions—they want you to know they have experience with what you’re going through—the remark doesn’t land well. “We understand that death is a possibility in this diagnosis,” she says. “I don't need to hear that.”
Thurston has been on the receiving end of a lot of outreach and opinions since she shared her breast cancer diagnosis—from strangers online, as well as people she knows in real life. While death-related stories are particularly painful, there are plenty of other comments that fall short of helpful.

Communication slip-ups in this area are common, experts say. When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, people often struggle to figure out how to express their support, leading them to trip over their words or hold back from saying anything at all. “The data I have to back that up is all the people in my office who say, ‘People don’t know how to talk to me,’” says Felicity Harper, a clinical psychologist at Karmanos Cancer Institute in Detroit. “It’s very difficult, unless you’ve been through it or have some frame of reference, to really know what to say. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you don’t know what the right thing is.”
Here’s what to avoid when you’re talking to someone diagnosed with cancer—and what to say instead.
Make real and meaningful contact
When you hear about a friend or family member’s diagnosis, you might default to saying how sorry you are. “They’re going to hear that a million times,” Harper says. But “no one is sorrier to hear that they were diagnosed with cancer than the cancer patients themselves.”
Instead, she recommends phrasing your message like this: “I heard about your diagnosis. I’m thinking of you, and I’m here for you.” It’s also helpful to add that you don’t expect a response—or to simply prepare yourself not to receive one. “If you're sick and you get all these cards or texts, it makes you feel wonderful, but you also don't want the pressure of having to respond to everybody,” Harper says. If you haven’t heard back, “reach out again in another couple weeks or a month. It’s just being consistent.”
Don’t respond with toxic positivity
The No. 1 complaint Harper hears from cancer patients is that other people try to tell them how to feel—and it inevitably involves thinking positively. “You’re going to beat this!” they might say. “Don’t worry. You just have to stay positive.” People often assure Thurston that everything happens for a reason or promise that everything will be OK. “It almost belittles the reality and emotions that a cancer patient is going through,” she says.
Having cancer means tackling a range of emotions, sometimes all within the same hour: anxiety, fear, hope, uncertainty, disappointment, and anger, just for starters. “When someone is having a hard time, our inclination is often to want to fix things and say, ‘Oh, don’t feel bad,’ when really what they need is space to feel their feelings,” Harper says. The patients she sees often tell her that they feel like they’re doing their cancer experience wrong because they can’t stay positive—which makes them feel guilty, or like they’re failing. That’s exacerbated by comments like, “If you just thought positively, you’d be doing better,” or telling someone that their stress is making them sicker.
Instead, Harper advises, make it a point to listen without judgment. Rather than invalidating them by downplaying the gravity of the situation, support your loved ones by telling them: “Gosh, that sounds scary. That must be so hard.” Then stick by their side as they experience the whiplash of those ever-changing emotions.
Although it might feel challenging, it’s key to allow your loved one the space to talk freely about whatever they want—even the especially hard stuff. If a cancer patient’s disease reaches an advanced stage, the people closest to them are also scared, so they try to shut down those conversations: “You don’t need to think about your funeral plans.”
“We've got to find a way to let that patient talk about it, and maybe that means we need to go talk to somebody about our own feelings,” Harper says. “That’s for us to deal with separately.”
Check before offering advice
People with cancer often get fed up by their loved ones telling them what to do. The word “should” comes up a lot, Harper says: “You should see this doctor! You should try that treatment plan! You should put these supplements on autoship.” Translation: “I don’t trust that you're getting good care, or that you know enough about what's best for you.”
In general, it’s a good idea to avoid offering solutions, well-intentioned as they might be. “The thing I always say to patients is, you can tell those people, ‘Look, when you’ve had cancer, you can come back and tell me what to do,’” Harper says. “Until then, the best thing is to allow the patient to be the expert on how they’re feeling,” and the ways they’re managing their disease.
While unsolicited tips aren’t always welcome, Thurston appreciates when people open a conversation like this: “If you'd like to hear some advice, let me know. Or, if you want help researching any specific topic related to your diagnosis, I'm here.” In other words: “I want to help you get information, but only if you're ready to accept it or want help researching it.” That makes it much more palatable, she says, and she’s taken loved ones up on the offer.
Avoid a litany of other unhelpful remarks
When the conversation turns to appearance and cancer-related changes, some people say: “It’s just hair. It will grow back.” “But the thing is, it’s just hair until it happens to you,” says Thurston, who’s documenting her medical journey via an Instagram group she dubbed the Boobie Broadcast. “This isn't a bad haircut. This is a very emotionally and physically difficult time, and we need to be cautious of comments like that.”
Many breast cancer patients undergo a mastectomy, which involves removing all or part of the breast, and can be followed by reconstruction to rebuild the breast shape. Some people pounce on that when making conversation. “I think people try to be optimistic on our behalf, so they'll say these lighthearted comments like, ‘Oh, at least it's a free b**b job,’” Thurston says. “‘Oh, you get a free tummy tuck.’ And while they mean well, it’s not free. There’s so many consequences—it’s not some vain situation I'm going through. It’s a surgery because of my medical diagnosis."
The subject of family planning is also full of landmines. Thurston was vocal about undergoing IVF before beginning treatment as part of her fertility preservation plan. It’s an incredibly sensitive topic, she says, and she’s already heard plenty of unhelpful feedback, like from people who tell her she can always foster or adopt. “A lot goes into IVF, and I don't know where I'm going to be physically, emotionally, and financially if that doesn't work out for me,” she says. “To simply say ‘you can always adopt’—it's not as easy as you're making it sound, and you're belittling the entire experience I'm going through when it comes to IVF.”
Thurston recommends letting the person with cancer guide these conversations—and if you do venture into the subject, to ask questions like, “How much do you want to talk about it?” She's encountered people who are truly sensitive about the situation and, for example, ask if it’s OK if they bring their children to places where she’ll be. “Sometimes it can be triggering to even see a baby,” she says, and when people are cognizant of that, their thoughtfulness goes a long way.
Don’t default to silence
Not everyone says the right thing when they’re trying to support someone who’s just been diagnosed with cancer. But saying anything—even if it’s not perfect—is better than saying nothing at all. “I think people don't know what to say or they feel uncomfortable, but I’d rather someone stumble on their attempt at talking about it, vs. not saying anything,” Thurston says. “That one hurts the most, and I think people don’t realize it.”
If you’re not sure what to say, tell your friend exactly that. Thurston recommends adding: “I might have difficulties having this conversation. Help me navigate—help me understand.”
Many of Harper’s patients say they learned who their real friends were after they were diagnosed with cancer. Some of the people in their network stepped up and were present; others vanished, perhaps because they didn’t know what to say or didn’t realize their voice would be missed. Checking in matters, Harper stresses, and not just at the beginning of treatment. Once active care ends, “People assume you're fine, and they never ask about it again,” she says. “But patients deal with the effects of cancer treatment long after the treatment's over”—not to mention that those who have metastatic disease will need to manage it long term.
If you’re staying mum because you don’t want to pester your friend, reconsider. Thurston suggests directly asking: “Do you want me to check in about your diagnosis? Do you want me to check in about your life? How much are you wanting to have this in front of you, vs. having it be an afterthought?” Talking about cancer is so emotional, she adds, that sometimes she just wants to talk about reality TV, the restaurant she went to last weekend, or her dog—anything else.
Harper counsels patients on how to set boundaries around talking about their disease. Some get in the habit of saying: “I don’t want to talk about it—when I do want to, I’ll bring it up.”
“Sometimes cancer needs to be on the back-burner,” Harper says. “It doesn't need to be your whole identity—sometimes you just want to remember what your life was like before.”
Offer practical, specific help
If you want to do something to lighten a cancer patient’s load, consider asking the people closest to them—a parent, sibling, or spouse—how you can best be helpful. Word it like this: “The church is thinking about setting up a meal train for the family. Is that something you think would be good?”
Aim to offer practical support, like setting up a fund for gas money, building a wheelchair ramp connected to their front door, providing childcare, or planning a low-key visit once a week, Harper says.
Thurston loves when people make specific offers to help, like telling her they want to provide dinner—and then asking if she’d prefer Thursday or Friday drop-off. Or, someone might reach out and say they'd like to drive her to her next oncology appointment. “Those action items of offering support make such a huge difference,” she says. “To some people, it might feel small, but to a cancer patient, it really makes such a positive impact.”

Some well-meaning phrases don't always go over well.

The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Insteadby ANGELA HAUPTHAUPT IS A HEALTH AND WELLNESS EDI...
07/08/2025

The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Instead
by ANGELA HAUPT
HAUPT IS A HEALTH AND WELLNESS EDITOR AT TIME MAGAZINE. SHE COVERS HAPPINESS AND ACTIONABLE WAYS TO LIVE WELL.

"IF YOU WANT TO STAY ON AN ANXIOUS PERSON’S GOOD SIDE, DON’T TELL THEM TO CALM DOWN."
When you’re trying to comfort someone trapped in an avalanche of anxious thoughts, it’s best to prioritize “presence over advice,” says Jaime Fleischer, director of therapy at Headspace, “and connection over correction.”
Too often, people try to rush their friend into feeling better, dismiss or minimize their concerns, or offer unsolicited advice, all of which can exacerbate the person's already heightened emotions. It’s better to focus on being calm, compassionate, and nonjudgmental, and brainstorming ways to support your anxious friend.
We asked experts to share the worst things you can say to someone with anxiety—plus what actually helps them.

“Just calm down.”
If you want to stay on an anxious person’s good side, don’t tell them to calm down. It’s infuriating in part because it minimizes their experience and implies they have control over something that’s largely involuntary. “I’ve never met an anxious person who hasn't tried every trick in their tool box to decrease their symptoms of anxiety,” says Leah Riddel, a licensed clinical mental health counselor who has anxiety. “No one wants to have a racing heartbeat or be sweating everywhere and shaking, with an upset stomach and racing thoughts.”

Instead, say: “I see you're scared right now. Can I sit with you?”
Focus on how you can show your friend empathy to connect on a deeper level, she advises. If you’re not in a place where you can easily sit down, offer a change of scenery: “Hey, want to go somewhere quiet and walk for a second?” It might be the opportunity to decompress that they need.

“There’s nothing to be anxious about.”
Anxiety doesn’t respond to logic. Yes, it’s statistically unlikely that the plane will crash or that the world is going to blow up tomorrow, but when you’re trapped in a spiral of worst-case scenarios, those facts mean very little. Avoid telling your friend that whatever they're worried about isn't a big deal or worth stressing over, says Aerial Cetnar, a therapist in Boulder. To them, it is, and that's what counts.
If you downplay someone’s concerns, “it makes them feel like they're doing something wrong or they're having a bad reaction,” which can exacerbate their already on-edge emotions.

Instead, say: “That sounds really hard. Want to tell me what’s going through your mind?”
You’re better off lending an ear. When people externalize their thoughts, they’re often able to gain some space from their worries, Cetnar says, which can help them start to put things in perspective. “Offering that space shows, ‘Hey, I have compassion, and I’m not judging you,’” she says. You can even add: “I’m here to listen, and if you want advice, I'm happy to give that to you.”

“Are you seriously worried again?”
The problem with pointing out that someone is anxious yet again—thank you, Captain Obvious—is that “it communicates contempt,” says Roselyn Pérez, a therapist in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. “It can come across as belittling the other person” or stoking “shame and a sense of unworthiness.”

Instead, say: “I’ve noticed you seem kind of tense today. Everything OK? Let’s sit together and think through what’s been helpful in the past.”
While judgment shuts down connection, curiosity opens the door to support, she adds. Your friend doesn't even need to explicitly tell you they're anxious for you to gently ask them about it—if you know them well, you’ll be able to perceive that something is off with them. “You’re letting them know that you’re paying attention, and that you’re coming from a place of genuine concern,” Pérez says. “You’re creating a safe haven where they can open up, be themselves, and share their worries.”

“Everything is going to be fine.”
Your anxious friend might be worrying about something that has no chance of coming to fruition—or their concerns could be spot-on. It’s impossible to know for sure, so avoid offering false reassurances, Pérez says. “I’ve had many clients worry about things that, in reality, could happen,” she says. “The approach is never to say, ‘Oh, no, that's not going to happen.’”

Instead, say: “Let’s walk through what’s on your mind. What’s the worst-case, best-case, and most likely scenario?”
What works better, Pérez adds, is talking through potential outcomes—and making a plan for how to handle each one. That can help give them perspective and allow them to feel more prepared.

“You’re overreacting.”
This is one of the most dismissive things you can say to an anxious person because it often deepens self-doubt, which goes hand-in-hand with anxiety. “When people are anxious, they’re trying to scramble for ways to settle down,” Cetnar says. “By telling them that they’re doing too much, they’ll feel like a burden, which will make them feel even more anxious. They already feel like a burden to themself, and now they’re a burden to you.”

What to say instead: “Your reaction makes sense given what you’ve been through.”
Focus on reassuring them that the way they’re feeling makes sense. Doing so affirms their emotional experience, Cetnar says, while reinforcing that “they’re not broken for feeling this way.”

“Stop thinking that way.”
When someone is festering in anxiety, they’re often “truly not able to let go of it easily,” Fleischer says. Telling them to “just stop it” minimizes their very real physical and emotional symptoms.
Instead, say: “Let’s sit down and take three deep breaths together.”
It’s more helpful to invite your friend to join you in a simple breathing activity. That small act might be enough to reset their nervous system, Fleischer says, and pluck them out of those all-consuming feelings of panic.

“At least…”
It might sound comforting on the surface, but telling your friend that at least it’s not worse—didn’t they hear what the neighbor is going through?—will probably backfire. “It shifts the focus away from the person's pain and sends the message that their experience isn’t serious enough to deserve attention,” Fleischer says.

Instead, say: “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
A better approach: Let your friend know you care about and feel for them—no fancy words necessary. “Empathy doesn’t require silver linings,” she says. “True support often means simply acknowledging pain without trying to dilute it.”
“You just need to be more positive.”
Toxic positivity isn’t the antidote to anxiety, Fleischer stresses. Banishing anxious thoughts “isn’t a matter of willpower,” she says. “It’s a complex interaction of biology, environment, and experience.”

Instead, say: “You’re not alone. I’m here with you.”
Tell your friend you know they’re doing the best they can, and that it’s OK to feel anxious sometimes. Doing so acknowledges their efforts and normalizes their emotions, which reduces the shame that so often accompanies anxiety. Then, remind them that you’re not going anywhere. Those are “the most healing words you can offer,” Fleischer says. “When someone you care about is experiencing anxiety, your job isn't to fix it. It’s to show up for them.”

25/10/2024
“Jesus never walked far from the place of His birth. This great adventure that God calls us on does not require us to je...
06/10/2024

“Jesus never walked far from the place of His birth. This great adventure that God calls us on does not require us to jet across the planet. Sometimes our greatest quests are within walking distance of our front doors.”
(The Last Arrow by Erwin McManus)

October is Pastor Appreciation Month, which gives us all a reminder to appreciate our pastors. The Bible says, "Let the ...
05/10/2024

October is Pastor Appreciation Month, which gives us all a reminder to appreciate our pastors. The Bible says, "Let the elders who rule well be counted worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in the Word and doctrine.” (1 Timothy 5:17)

Here are some great ideas for how to appreciate your pastor:

Here are 30 ways you can show your pastor encouragement, but don't be shy to express the love to everyone who is working at your church.

03/10/2024

“You must go forward on your knees.”
- Hudson Taylor

19/09/2024

We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance.
- Paul Boese

01/09/2024

“God didn't give you influence so you could lead people better; He wants you to love them more.”
- Bob Goff

30/08/2024

“Jesus doesn't only turn people into Christians; He turns them into love.”
- Bob Goff

19/08/2024

"We are not to make less prominent the special truths that have separated us from the world, and made us what we are; for they are fraught with eternal interests. God has given us light in regard to the things that are now taking place, and with pen and voice we are to proclaim the truth to the world.
But it is the life of Christ in the soul, it is the active principle of love imparted by the Holy Spirit, that alone will make our words fruitful. The love of Christ is the force and power of every message for God that ever fell from human lips."
(Gospel Workers, p. 288)

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