The Newcastle Oz

25/10/2021

25/08/2021

City of Newcastle

14/08/2021

IMPORTANT LOCKDOWN UPDATE: if your LGA is within 5km of somebody exercising, do not leave home unless it is for maintenance on your registered holiday house which can be outside the Greater Sydney area but not inside regional NSW in which case you will need a permit if you’re not inspecting a property. Which we also urge you not to do. Unless you are in an LGA of concern. Or not. But as always, exercise common sense.

25/05/2021

Keen followers of the glorified piece of space junk’s celestial orbit will no doubt remember the gorgeous evening vistas offered during the last supermoon which was honestly literally two weeks ago.

BIG NOTING ‘SUPERMOON’ UP TO ITS BU****IT AGAIN Posted on May 25, 2021 by APONE In what is becoming a seemingly monthly occurrence, Earth’s perpetual hanger onerer The Moon is again forcibly inserting itself into the Novocastrian skyline, sending the region’s amateur photographers aflutter a...

25/02/2021

Steiner parents worried their child isn’t making enough imaginary friends Posted on February 18, 2021February 18, 2021 by APONE Since enrolling their child Whiskey in the artistic-focussed Newcastle Steiner school, Wickham parents Vivienne and Dylan Ides have been concerned at the lack of bohemian...

18/02/2021

LinkedIn remains committed to sharing three-week-old news on its platform.

17/02/2021

Thank god this doesn’t count as news.

I f**ken hate Newy, says guy who f**ken loves Newy Posted on February 22, 2020February 22, 2020 by APONE A local man has today professed his hatred for the town he was born and raised in, while at the same time knowing deep within himself that he would defend it to the death if anybody outside of.....

10/02/2021

- 300,000 wings at Central Leagues Club
- 12,500 schnitzels at the Jesmond Hotel
- 50,000 tacos at Beach Burrito
- 37,500 schooeys at the Lass happy hour
- 50 new air conditioning units for demountable classrooms at local public schools
- 2 x annual salaries for support workers at Kirinari Hostel
- 1/4 of a Williamtown property impacted by PFAS
- 10,000 strip sub specials at Waratah Red Rooster.

A brief list of other things the PM could’ve spent $150k on for dinner in Newy Posted on February 9, 2021 by APONE Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s economic management skills have been brought into question today with revelations he hosted a $10,000 a head dinner for 15 close friends at the ultra...

05/02/2021

Is looking vaguely angry while ironically listening to ‘90s pop music your thing? Then you’ll feel at home in pretty much every cafe in Newcastle and its surrounds.

We reviewed every cafe in Newcastle and now we have a septum piercing Posted on February 5, 2021 by APONE Whether it’s the chilled, ambient vibe of Equium Social in Mayfield, the relaxed, chilled ambience of Good Brother in East End, or the chilled relaxation of Lords in Hamilton; there is no long...

04/02/2021

Stupid poser kid in Knights jersey can’t even name bench players from Round 4, 1993 Posted on February 4, 2021 by APONE A Hamilton tween spotted wearing a vintage Newcastle Knights jersey is unable to recall even the most basic stats that any fanatical Knights fan who has dedicated their entire ....

02/02/2021

“One minute I was screaming my lungs out for Dam-nation in front of five people at a Tighes Hill Community Hall show, keeping my life strictly hardcore, and then all of a sudden here I am at the Newcastle Club wearing a tweed blazer and discussing the merits of thought leadership pieces on LinkedIn with the former drummer of Cry Island.”

NCHC scene veterans now reuniting at Hunter Young Professionals networking events Posted on February 2, 2021February 2, 2021 by APONE Doyens of the influential 90s-00s Newcastle hardcore punk scene are now unintentionally reuniting under the auspices of the local hall monitors for grown ups commit....

20/01/2021

The “green flush” is said to occur once every 340,000 years.

Astronomers converge for ultra rare alignment of green lights at Stewart Avenue level crossing Posted on January 20, 2021 by APONE Amatuer astronomers from across Australia are expected to gather in west end Newcastle this week for the once in a million years alignment of all green lights along the....

14/01/2021

“What you do is gussy up a couple of areas along the breakwall, maybe chuck in a some cafes, small bars and a bakery - but you call it a boulangerie - and then just watch the more well-heeled cats start moving in.”

Upper middle class cats introduced to Stockton breakwall to drive out homeless population Posted on January 14, 2021 by APONE Fresh from the barbaric attempted culling of the Stockton breakwall cat population by Port of Newcastle, a cabal of innovative real estate entrepreneurs have suggested a nove...

11/01/2021

Fresh from the sudden, bellicose invasion of their surrounding turncoat neighbours, the territorial agressors of Carrington have decided to withdraw from the commercio -industral area of Islington running along Maitland Road as, according to sources close to the uprising, “it’s a bit sh*t”

NO THANKS: Carrington invaders pull back from that weird part of Islington Posted on January 11, 2021 by APONE Fresh from the sudden, bellicose invasion of their surrounding turncoat suburbs, the territorial agressors of Carrington have decided to withdraw from the commecio-industral area of Islingt...

08/01/2021

BAKED UPRISING: Mayfield East, Wickham and Tighes Hill were said to have ceded quickly to their invaders, noting they were basically living in a sh***er version of Carro anyway.

INVASION: Carrington annexes Stockton and portside suburbs, under cover of U.S. unrest Posted on January 8, 2021January 8, 2021 by APONE BAKED UPRISING: The independent socialist enclave of Carrington has today invaded its surrounding ring of suburbs and declared bohemian rule amongst the portside s...

07/10/2020

Known as one of the worst traffic bottle necks in Newcastle, motorists will now be able to avoid the regular delays caused by passing trains while also getting some pretty sweet air.

“Of course we would’ve liked to have built a fully functioning overpass bridge or tunnel but given the economic downturn this is the best we could manage for the time being," said a government spokesperson.

Gov announces kick arse new jump ramp for Adamstown Gates in budget Posted on October 7, 2020 by APONE Residents of Newcastle were pleased to learn today that the federal government will fund an Evil Kneivel-inspired jump ramp for cars looking to cross the busy Adamstown Gates rail corridor. Known a...

23/08/2020

“Hot tip: the snow fu***ng sucks, just like everything else,” said Griggs as he hung his sodden clothes in front of his elderly mother's blow heater.

Trip to Barrington still not cold enough to numb pain of local man’s existence Posted on August 23, 2020 by APONE Georgetown data analysis Steve Griggs today visited the winter wonderland of the Barrington Tops to experience snow for the first time, in the vain hope it may provide some relief from...

20/08/2020

"Newcastle is quickly becoming a car-ist town where everyday vehicles are being forced out of the traffic mix in favour of cycle tracks and pedestrian walking paths,” said the car in a written statement sent to media before its final act of defiance.

Local car self immolates in protest of new Honeysuckle 30kmh speed limit Posted on August 20, 2020August 20, 2020 by APONE The A Newcastle-based vehicle rights activist car has today set itself on fire in protest of the draconian 30km/h speed limit set along Honeysuckle Drive – believed to be the ...