The Unelitist

13/02/2023

Australia - A Two State Solution

Following the recent retreat held by the Greens to mourn the defection of their Member for Bikies, Lidia Thorpe, Australia’s custodians of all things Woke have announced a new policy to further their aims of Aboriginal reconciliation.

Addressing the packed media scum outside Greens HQ on the stolen land of the Wurundjeri People in upmarket Fitzroy, Mr Adam Bandt (they/them) announced his vision of a Two State Solution for Australia.

“in our pursuit of righting the wrongs of past generations, we believe that the only way to achieve lasting peace between Indigenous and non-indigenous Australians is the immediate implementation of a two state solution which will reconcile relations between the races by separating them permanently”.
When asked how widely the Greens had consulted on their latest policy, Mr Bandt responded that the thoughts and feelings of his wealthy and predominantly white members was what’s important in this debate.

“our core belief is that a racially segregated Australia is the only way to alleviate our guilt and move on to more important issues, like shutting down all reliable power generation”

Premier Daniel Andrews has been quoted as saying that he would be “following the science” when asked upon what basis Aboriginality would be determined.

More to come.

01/11/2022

Dem taxpayer dollars used good

24/10/2022

Finally our woke warrior princess comes through!

22/10/2022

Who wants to be a billionaire?

Netball Australia is basking in their decision to stay poor but virtuous having rejected Gina Rinehart's offer of $15m to keep the organisation afloat.

Having struggled to raise sufficient funds through bake sales and membership drives, Netball Australia took the deeply unconventional step of seeking funds from corporate Australia.

It is understood that Rinehart, who normally struggles to find grateful recipients for her donations, has been holed up in her compound for days after being rejected by Netball Australia. "I just have this money burning a hole in my pocket" Rinehart was heard wailing earlier this week.

Meanwhile, it is understood that Greens voters right around the country have all taken it upon themselves to compensate Netball Australia out of their dole payments and called into question the source of Ms Rinehart's wealth. A statement from local Greens warrior Haydon Carr-Jones-Gregg reads "Gina is an evil billionaire who only burns fossil fuels and doesn't contribute to society. Doesn't she know that the future is electric? Can't she build some windmills and batteries? Only paying her billions in climate reparations would make us hate her less".

More to come as this story develops

21/10/2022

Thorpedoed!

Proud Blak Slacktivist Womyn Lidia Thorpe has unexpectedly found herself on the receiving end of criticism following revelations her (very) personal relationship with the former head of Australia’s largest Bikie group could be perceived as a conflict of interest with her membership on the statutory committee for Law Enforcement.

Thorpe, largely known outside extreme leftist circles for her grandstanding about the ‘Stolenwealth’ as she luxuriated in the spartan confines of the Qantas Chairman’s lounge, has been quoted as being ‘gobsmacked’ that she could be held accountable for her actions.

Senator Thorpe, accosted by reporters as she was getting out of her Stolenwealth funded Comcar, was quoted as saying that the unfounded attacks on her to resign her tax payer funded positions could only be explained by the deep racism and misogyny in Australia’s society. “I am being persecuted for my beliefs and am appalled that I can’t be trusted to keep confidential information of material value to my lover private”.

Meanwhile, it is understood that the thread by which Ms Thorpe’s career now hangs is the subject of an intense bidding war by – well, just about everyone – with the winner given the immense honour of cementing Senator Thorpe’s complete political demise.

One Greenie down, far too many to go!

03/06/2022

01/06/2022

Winter is coming

Denizen's of Australia's East Coast are in the midst of an unusual natural phenomenon previously known as Winter. Thought to have been a relic of a long forgotten world before the onset of our current "climate emergency", the yuppies of Sydney and the hipsters of Melbourne are having to remember the name of that white misty stuff coming our of their mouths during these cold mornings.

Given that cold weather, until this week, had been a thing of the past, successive governments done the right thing and created policy settings which saw the successive closure of a material part of Australia's power generation capacity.

It is understood that key constituencies of high income earners and unemployed students believe that their moral integrity is sufficient enough to keep them warm through the cold winter months.

The Unelitist spoke to Jayden Carr-Hobson-Smith (Them/They) who stated that "Its Scomos fault that we don't have enough solar and wind farms". When asked how struggling families should pay for scarce electricity on cloudy windless days, Carr-Hobson-Smith said that his dad's company donates money to the poor people every year....

In a tragic turn of events, the Greens solar powered HQ was offline for comment this afternoon.

27/05/2022

French Friends

French President Emmanuel Macron has called for a reset to Franco-Australian Relations following the election of Anthony Albanese, the 31st Prime Minister of Australia.

President Macron sparked headlines last year when he accused Scott Morrison, the then democratically elected leader of our country, of being a liar as part of his healing process in coming to terms with losing a $40bn contract to build submarines.

In an about face of monumental proportions, media outlets across the country have clung to President Macron like Kooyong voters do to empty promises. Having had his revenge, Macron is understood to have swallowed his bitter cancellation pill, and Australia's decision to go American and go Nuclear stands as a game-changing decision.

Being armed with floating Chernobyls is understood to be more palatable to the Greens now that completion of the deal will be inked by a government more partial to left-wing politics.

For the first time in history, the French have chosen to surrender their protest.

27/05/2022

No more Conservatives

One week into Australia's post Coalition era, and that great Australian philosopher, Abby Chatfield, is pondering the future of a two party Labor - Greens political system.

"like, OMG, like no one I know would ever vote for the LNP. They're never going to be President of Australia again" Ms Chatfield was quoted as saying.

Being the first ever election loss for the LNP, there are few amongst the Australian elite who believe the Coalition remains relevant to them or their fellow Tesla-driving private-school educated golf club buddies.

With climate change and gender wars now a relic of a bygone era, it seems that there simply aren't enough aspirational mortgaged families with real cost of living pressures to believe in small governments and lower taxes.

And so with their first election loss in history, and after a decade of majority rule, the high and mighty of leafy Kooyong along with the social justice warriors of inner Melbourne bid farewell to a Coalition which continues to receive the highest proportion of first preference votes.

Lord Voldemort was not immediately available for comment.

24/05/2022

The Greens Revival

Watermelon HQ, with its vibrant Green exterior and communist red interior, is slowly waking from its post election bender having secured its best election result in a century.

Celebrating their 'Greenslide' in 'Greensland', the Greens are finding it in their hearts to forgive the sunshine state for electing the Coalition in 2019.

Buoyed by their electoral success, the Greens have discovered that Marx isn't entirely dead yet, and have embarked on a recruitment drive to save more young Australians from the evils of capitalism.

"i'm like, oh my god, like why wouldn't people want free stuff? Now that the Greens is president of Australia, i can heal from the trauma of Scummo" - Jannqiue Smith-Jones (They/Them),

It is understood have an extensive list of identities which they allow their members to identify as. This reporter failed to find "Australian" as an option.

Greens HQ has been contacted for comment.

23/05/2022

Utopia has arrived.

Having slain the mortal embodiment of evil in a democratically elected Prime Minister, today marks the first day of the revived Australian nation with Anthony Albanese, a middle-aged white dude, as Prime Minister.

Gender Studies major Meagheain Lanyon-Logie (Xim/Xer) was interviewed shortly after leaving Zoe Daniels’ victory party “We always knew that Australians had made a mistake three years ago, probably the effects of a bad batch of Betoota Bitter at the polls in 2019, there’s no way Australian’s could legitimately vote for a conservative government”.

Mx Lanyon-Logie (Xim/Xer) further stated that she can now speak with her extended Kiwi family on an equal footing from a Carbon Neutral, Gender Diverse Australia led by a political party with no history corruption whatsoever.

Lanyon-Logie (Xim/Xer) was last spotted, hungover, heading back to her parents' $4m house in the leafy Melbourne suburb of Glen Iris where she will no doubt be leaning on the inherited wealth of her enlightened parents as she dozes off to the sounds of the gardeners mowing the lawn in the family compound.

“My generation is finally having its voice heard”