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07/07/2025

Keen police imitator, Vincent Cuff, also known as Filthy Frank which he wouldn’t go into, catches speeding motorists on Forton Road for the fun of it. He says he has abusive language and fingers hurled at him all the time when he points his Sony Bluetooth speaker at vehicles wether they’re speeding or not. He wants to join the police force but fears his hobby of collecting abandoned underwear from washing lines may stop him.

06/07/2025

3rd parking ticket for Jake as he parks in someone’s disabled space on Vineyard Road. Jake who claims he’s also disabled reckons he’s entitled to park in the space as he often gets a bad back after a hard day gaming at home. Jake says he’s not parking further up the road as he can’t be arsed to walk and needs to access his car quickly when he gets a Just Eat order through. He will be appealing the ticket.

04/07/2025

Sue and Stu prepare the re opening of the Newport sorting office but insist you must adhere to the strict times or you’ll be given a warning. They add that you must bring at least 6 forms of ID and be prepared to wait while they faff about with cups of tea and fag breaks. They also ask no crocs to be worn inside.

01/07/2025

Andy demonstrates how he can’t leave his house to attend job interviews due to the hole in his drive. The DWP have threatened to stop his Jobseeker’s Allowance after he failed to show up for 47 interviews. Andy insists the hole is blocking his car in and is unable to walk.

24/06/2025

Pete is the only one who didn’t enjoy this years carnival as straw, blown over from the animal show, has attracted all sorts of wildlife to use his drain as a toilet. Over the course of the day he had to shoo away 3 defecating donkeys, several sheep with full bladders and one persistent goat which made another appearance while the environment agency inspector was taking notes. The carnival committee has refused to comment.

22/06/2025

Harper Adams summer ball is to blame for Waitrose fridge chaos say Harold and Audrey Sn**ch. Their usual Sunday morning food delivery was a total disaster as all the chilled goods were warm. Audrey was quick to point the finger while Harold stated “well we’re not blaming anyone but you never know”. They are convinced all the noise coming from the university overloaded the electricity supply and caused Waitrose to lose power. Meanwhile Audrey had to defrost Harold’s meat from their deep freeze in an attempt to save their planned Sunday roast.

17/06/2025

Liam, a self professed menace on the roads, has had his wheels stolen from his pride and joy £600 Honda Civic. He thinks Albert from number 42 stole them and has destroyed his hobby. Albert wouldn’t comment although he admits to teaching Liam a lesson and is fed up with loud popping exhausts and screeching tyres all night long. Liam says he’s determined to get back in the saddle and is heading to Demon Tweeks as soon as his loan comes through for even bigger wheels and a louder exhaust. Albert has also stated he’s got some wheels for sale if anyone is interested.

16/06/2025

King Charles had the time of his life this weekend as he judged the floats in Newports carnival. He was particularly amused at the 2 councillors tending to the toilets and commented “I bet those peasants failed some exam recently so that’s why they’re looking after the latrines”.

06/06/2025

Enough is enough for Newport’s coffee infestation says Darren as he writes to the council to stop yet more coffee shops opening on our beautiful high street. Darren, who’s a tea drinker, is keen to bolster his portfolio of barbers, tattoo studios and naff nail bars exclaiming they are what the world is crying out for.

05/06/2025

Newport litter pickers came a cropper last weekend when they tried to lift what they thought was a flattened pizza box only to discover it was a tree stump. Gerald, the angry looking one third from the right, tried several times to pick it up with his grabbers while making derogatory comments about students and no respect these days. One by one the whole team tried to pick it up but it took a passing dog walker to point out it was a recently cut down tree. The dog walker also warned the litter pickers to watch their step as his lurcher, Diablo, craps at the base of the tree every day.

04/06/2025

Karen Squat took revenge on filthy neighbours today after she’d had enough of their dog dropping it’s guts all over her driveway in Broomfield Road. Karen returned the favour by revealing her rear end at Mandy and Jeff in the attempt to squeeze out a present for them but her back gave way leaving her with her arse in the air until an ambulance arrived.

02/06/2025

Councillor is a have-a-go pavement hero. Malcolm Plum took matters into his own hands to sort out one of Newport’s badly damaged pavements. He says he is now qualified after watching a YouTube video and borrowing some spare tarmac from a transit tipper while the driver was in Greggs. Telford & Wrekin council have hit back though and says he may be in trouble as it’s not an official repair which was scheduled for spring 2028. If he doesn’t put it back how he found it he may face a large bill and be demoted to issuing parking tickets during the carnival.

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