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22/08/2025

Theresa May is moving to Newport but insists all the potholes are filled in first. Telford & Wrekin council have agreed to fix every hole along the route she’ll be using to acces her house. They say they’ve got spare funds and this is exactly the sort of thing they are looking to spend it on. Private contractor, Seth, is delighted with the multi million pound deal and will be digging up roads within the week. It is estimated work will last for several weeks and a private helicopter has been offered to Theresa, by T&W, to avoid inconvenience when she goes shopping.

21/08/2025

Nick doesn’t want much from life but he does want his tools back after some clown filled in his hole burying his best chisels and a hammer he had for Christmas back in 1948 from Aunty Maud. He dug the hole to fix a water leak on the lane to his house but by the time he’d returned from having a cup of tea it was filled in. Council have declined to comment.

19/08/2025

Nosey Norman the local curtain twitcher is fuming as someone has placed window stickers over his prime peeping spot. Norman is a keen member of neighbourhood watch and is known for “keeping an eye on things” however his neighbour, Sheila, who doesn’t want to be named is fed up of him grinning every time she walks past. He’s tried removing the stickers but it appears they’ve been glued on.

18/08/2025

Tom thought pot holes couldn’t get any worse until he tripped and dropped his pot noodle into one on his way home from the pub. He had only just bought it from the shop where they always add boiling water to it for his journey home. He admits he’d had a skinful but even so he’s still fuming. He said in this day and age wearing a hi vis vest should prevent all these kinds of things so something’s gone wrong. He’s filed a claim for a new pot noodle with the council.

11/08/2025

Plumster plummets in tree exam. Malcom Plum failed to identify a plum tree in his tree identification test, mandatory for all farming town councillors, which means he won’t be able to judge the jam tarts at next years Newport Show. He says “it’s a constant reminder everytime I walk under it. How could I be so stupid. I feel like a right plum.”

13/07/2025

The heat was far too much for Paul yesterday afternoon at the Newport Show and left many deposits in the high street as a thankyou to the organisers. A passer by pointed out a bin where he could aim the next jet of vomit into but it was too late and it ended up on a students boat shoe and chinos.

07/07/2025

Keen police imitator, Vincent Cuff, also known as Filthy Frank which he wouldn’t go into, catches speeding motorists on Forton Road for the fun of it. He says he has abusive language and fingers hurled at him all the time when he points his Sony Bluetooth speaker at vehicles wether they’re speeding or not. He wants to join the police force but fears his hobby of collecting abandoned underwear from washing lines may stop him.

06/07/2025

3rd parking ticket for Jake as he parks in someone’s disabled space on Vineyard Road. Jake who claims he’s also disabled reckons he’s entitled to park in the space as he often gets a bad back after a hard day gaming at home. Jake says he’s not parking further up the road as he can’t be arsed to walk and needs to access his car quickly when he gets a Just Eat order through. He will be appealing the ticket.

04/07/2025

Sue and Stu prepare the re opening of the Newport sorting office but insist you must adhere to the strict times or you’ll be given a warning. They add that you must bring at least 6 forms of ID and be prepared to wait while they faff about with cups of tea and fag breaks. They also ask no crocs to be worn inside.

01/07/2025

Andy demonstrates how he can’t leave his house to attend job interviews due to the hole in his drive. The DWP have threatened to stop his Jobseeker’s Allowance after he failed to show up for 47 interviews. Andy insists the hole is blocking his car in and is unable to walk.

24/06/2025

Pete is the only one who didn’t enjoy this years carnival as straw, blown over from the animal show, has attracted all sorts of wildlife to use his drain as a toilet. Over the course of the day he had to shoo away 3 defecating donkeys, several sheep with full bladders and one persistent goat which made another appearance while the environment agency inspector was taking notes. The carnival committee has refused to comment.

22/06/2025

Harper Adams summer ball is to blame for Waitrose fridge chaos say Harold and Audrey Sn**ch. Their usual Sunday morning food delivery was a total disaster as all the chilled goods were warm. Audrey was quick to point the finger while Harold stated “well we’re not blaming anyone but you never know”. They are convinced all the noise coming from the university overloaded the electricity supply and caused Waitrose to lose power. Meanwhile Audrey had to defrost Harold’s meat from their deep freeze in an attempt to save their planned Sunday roast.

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