12/07/2022
So much of my life Iāve been a person who feels deeply. Iāve wanted to share everything with the people closest to me; youād rarely find me alone, and always had the biggest case of FOMO. I think for so long I was running from myself. I hated āalone timeā, and as I grew older and more jaded by life, I think that was fueled by hating myself. I took criticism heavily, I took opinions more harshly, and I created this internal narrative where I was the problem when any relationship fell apart, or friendship dissolved, or job passed on me, or when my car was my home.
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Last year this particular road in Yosemite was closing. I invited a few friends because I knew how epic it was going to be, and like so many years past, I enjoyed the company. However, one friend got a last minute job opportunity, and the other missed his flight from Boston and had no options to get in the same dayā¦so it was down to just me.
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I contemplated punting the trip. I nearly convinced myself I wouldnāt get the full experience with ājust myselfā. So often, the old version of myself will sneak back in and I hardly notice. I caught myself, and went against that nagging voice. So I drove myself up, through heavy wildfires at the time, and was alone in a cabin with my thoughts. I created my itinerary for the weekend, and couldnāt help but question why I came up: was I running from something?
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It led to one of my favorite trips Iāve done. It takes a lot of patience learning to love yourself after decades of convincing yourself youāre āless thanā. I reflected on how far I had come in the 3 years I had been in California, learning to appreciate my alone time as a stranger in a big new world. I relied on myself more, I trusted myself with myself, I leaned on faith immensely. I woke up every day and took in every view with overwhelming gratitude.
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Check in with yourself. Practice gratitude in the face of adversity; perspective is everything. The endless adventures that are available to all of us are there - donāt wait for anyone else to make that happen for you. We rarely realize the āgood timesā when weāre in themā¦so slow down and enjoy the ride for all the bumps it gives you.