The Town Crier (2025)

14/03/2023

A few miscellaneous items from issue #71:
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At a Staten Island restaurant, the chefs are a rotating group of grandmothers. Popular menu items are “when are you going to bring home a nice boy?” And “eat, eat, you’re skin and bones.”

The first Yellowstone grizzly bear has emerged from hibernation. Witnesses say the first thing the bear did was take a big deep breath in, exhale, and whisper “beach season, baby.”

According to data from restaurant platform Toast, California tips the least on average of all 50 states — the data proves that socially, Californians are Democrats, but fiscally, Demacheaps.

Facebook owner Meta is exploring plans to set up a new social media platform in an effort to topple Twitter. Meta is exploring the option due to the lack of alternatives in the space — currently, they said, the only competition to bring down Twitter is Elon Musk.

A passenger on a United Airlines flight was arrested after he tried to stab a flight attendant with a spoon and open the emergency door mid-flight. United called the incident horrifying — While Spirit called it “Wednesday.”

Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders has loosened child labor laws in the state, making it easier for workplaces to employ minors without strict regulations. Governor Sanders said the move to make it easier to hire children is the first step in an economic development plan — the next step is building the state’s first Chinatown.

A new study found that happiness rises with income—even accelerating at levels beyond $100,000 per year up to $500,000 per year. The study’s findings were originally hard to decipher as they were announced by a mouth full of champagne.

Archaeologists have found the earliest direct evidence of horseback riding in 5,000-year-old human skeletons — Archaeologists say they knew the human remains must’ve ridden horses because right next to the bones were 5,000-year-old assless chaps.

According to the New York Times, companies are now turning to personality tests to help determine which employees should work from home or the office. The quiz asks employees to answer “always, sometimes, or never” to questions like “Is it ever okay to microwave salmon?”

06/03/2023

A few miscellaneous items from issue #70:
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Researchers at the University of Chicago found that almost one-third of childhood burn injuries can be attributed to instant noodles. “Challenge accepted,” said Pizza Rolls.

A Japanese company is giving non-smoking employees an extra six days off to compensate for smoke breaks. And an extra ten days off for hyperproductive employees who take coke breaks.

Bernie Sanders released a new book titled “It's Okay to be Angry About Capitalism.” If the book is a hit, Sanders says he’ll release a sequel titled, “Socialism Bought These Jet Skis”

KFC announced it's bringing back the “Double Down” — a sandwich that replaces the buns with two pieces of fried chicken. KFC brought the sandwich back after reviewers gave it an impressive 4-out-of-5 bypasses.

Columbia University became the first Ivy League school this week to extend its test-optional policy indefinitely. The Ivy League school said it’ll go back to admitting students based on the size of their parent’s donation.

More than half of the global population will be obese or overweight by 2035 barring significant action, the World Obesity Federation warned. Raising the question — are sea levels rising or is land sinking?

Amazon is being sued for selling products that allegedly contain donkey meat. When asked if he was sure, the plaintiff said, “please, I know ass when I eat it.”

30/01/2023

A few miscellaneous items from issue #65:
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Park Rangers in Australia say they found a 6-pound monster toad they deemed “Toadzilla.” The rangers euthanized Toadzilla after following it back to its log pile where they found a manila folder with a picture of Tokyo and two documents that read “Part 1: Gather Strength,” “Part 2: Revenge.”

Since 2015, the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio has been offering group classes for kids aged 3 to 7 to teach them how to p**p. Colloquially known by families and staff as “p**p school” — Or as it's known in the Ivy League, Brown.

A Canadian artist received a Guinness World Record for spice painting after she used turmeric, paprika, and clove to paint a 900 square foot butterfly — confirming that white people will do anything with spice but cook.

Breakdancing will join the Olympics as an event in 2024. It’s the only event where competitors will be judged on how much money they raise from the crowd. The winner will receive the traditional gold metal along with the satisfaction of telling their father he was wrong

A new report claims North Korea faces the worst food shortage in decades. Or as it was reported in North Korean state media — “Super Fantastic! 100% of Citizens Achieving Weight Loss Resolution”

England’s King Charles kicked his brother Prince Andrew out of Buckingham Palace on Wednesday. While uncomfortable for him, Andrew said being thrown out in the middle of the week was even harder on his girlfriend because it was a school night.

Doctors in Australia conducted an experiment to see how long it would take to swallow and excrete a lego piece. You can find the published results by googling the study’s title, “Sh*tting Bricks.”

09/01/2023

A few miscellaneous items from issue #62:
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According to Vice News, “gas station heroin” has been banned in Ohio — Ohio gas stations said those still looking for the life-threatening rush should ask for the sushi.

James “Buster” Corley, a co-founder of the Dave & Buster’s restaurant and entertainment chain, passed away this week. He leaves behind a wife, children, and 350 million tickets.

On January 14, Fredericksburg, Texas, will host the Texas Testicle Festival. There will be live music, food, and drinks, but the most anticipated event of the festival by far is the sack race.

The mastermind of the nationwide college admissions bribery scheme, Rick Singer, was sentenced to three and a half years in prison. Lawyers for Singer say after making a few calls they got him into one of the most exclusive prisons in the country.

Donald Trump Jr. has inked a multiyear podcast deal with user-generated video platform Rumble. The pilot episode is set to air on Jan 23 when Don Jr sits down with former prince Harry to discuss disappointing family.

A video released by TMZ shows UFC President Dana White slapping his wife, Anne, while the pair was on vacation last month. To be fair, when the pair married they did vow to “love, cherish, and protect yourself at all times.”

According to a report, the number of new U.S. citizens hit its highest annual mark in 15 years and the third-highest annual tally recorded in U.S. history — the report says 37% of that number is thanks to Nick Cannon.

12/12/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #60:
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The Boston Ballet is returning with a full staging of “The Nutcracker” — or as it’s known in Boston, “The Ex-Wife.”

A chef in Texas learned American Sign Language in order to communicate with deaf customers. “Big deal,” said anyone who’s ever asked for a check.

Data from Instacart shows West Virginians bought the most butter compared to the rest of the country last year. Half of that butter was used for food while the other half was used to help West Virginians get through doors.

Food manufacturers are racing to introduce "thaw and eat" products from frozen sandwiches that don't need to be nuked to pies and waffles that go from freezer to plate. The “thaw and eat” products can be found at your local grocery store’s Divorced Men’s Aisle.

A su***de prevention net on San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge costing $400 million is behind schedule. In the meantime, the bridge will continue offering su***de prevention bungee cords.

14/11/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #59:
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Airbnb will no longer hide its fees — the move is part of a new business strategy called “stabbing you in the front.”

The New York Times/New York Public Library released their 10 winners of this year’s Best Illustrated Children’s Books Award. While not in the top ten, this year’s honorable mentions include “Little Johnny Runs with Scissors” and its sequel “Johnny Eye Patch.”

According to Yahoo News, half of US dentists say their patients come to appointments high. They know someone is high when they tell the patient they have gingivitis and they reply, “no, I’m brunette.”

A Southwest pilot proposed over the PA system during a flight. When she didn’t answer right away, the pilot gently reminded her that it was going to be a 7-hour flight and that under "sky law," he could legally lock her in the bathroom.

Maxwell Frost became the first member of Congress elected from Generation Z. Frost is also the first elected congressman to deliver a victory speech without looking up from his phone.

A Philadelphia man completed a self-made challenge to eat 40 rotisserie chickens in 40 days. After finishing the last chicken, the man told reporters he thinks he’s ready to tackle his next challenge — getting a job.

31/10/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #57:
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Your smell might explain why mosquitoes always bite you — a new study found people who have higher amounts of certain acids on their skin are virtually irresistible to a female mosquito if they walk close enough to have the scent picked up. The study calls these people “Fajitas.”

Amazon workers at an upstate New York facility have voted against unionizing. Shortly after voting against the unionizing effort, Amazon workers said their families were released.

The state of Massachusetts has named the “swift-footed lizard” as the state’s official dinosaur. The dinosaur was chosen because like the people of Massachusetts, the “swift-footed lizard” also thinks it’s better than you.

Ted Cruz was heckled and booed during his appearance on The View. The View’s studio audience was furious to see Cruz partly because of his political views but more so because they were promised a shirtless Zac Efron.

A New York jury found Kevin Spacey not liable in the civil sexual misconduct trial of then 14-year-old Anthony Rapp — While they didn’t find him liable, the jury did recommend Spacey be moved to another parish.

24/10/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #56:
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According to new reports, there’s a shortage of Adderall in the OH, LOOK, A BIRD!

A new survey reports in states where ma*****na is legal the average person spent $85 per month on w**d products — and $1,000 a month on Doritos.

According to a new report by environmental investigation consultants Boston Chemical Data Corp, a suburban St. Louis elementary school has dangerous amounts of radioactive contamination. The contamination was confirmed during math class, as first-grade students were able to count to 20 on one hand.

A mobile clinic will offer 60 free vasectomies in Missouri next month to meet surging demand after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. “Whoa . . . Deja Vu,” said one man as he saddle-walked out of the van holding a lollipop.

An Idaho man held 150 lit candles in his mouth for 30 seconds to break a Guinness World Record. That story again — There’s nothing to do in Idaho.

Astronomers have published a major finding: A black hole has been "burping" out energy from a small star it was observed devouring in 2018. Astronomers say they’re not sure what it means, but they’re kicking themselves over missing the opportunity to call gas out of a black hole “space farts."

16/10/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #55:
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According to Intouch Insight's Annual Drive-Thru Study, Chick-fil-A was the restaurant with the fastest drive-thru line based on the total time cars spent in line. While Chick-fil-A was the fastest running drive-thru, Taco Bell held the top spot for fastest running-thru-you.

Senator Ben Sasse, a Nebraska Republican, plans to resign to become the University of Florida’s president. When asked why he’s leaving the senate and transferring to the University of Florida, he said “hotter chicks.”

A woman who applied for a job at her local sheriff’s office ended up being cuffed instead after her potential employer found that she had a slew of outstanding warrants. To be fair, the job ad did say candidates were “wanted.”

After nearly 13 years at the helm of ABC's "Good Morning America," co-anchors Robin Roberts and George Stephanopoulos, both 61, are the longest-ever network morning show pair. To put how impressive that is in perspective, Roberts and Stephanopoulos have been together longer than anyone has ever been married to Jennifer Lopez.

The Supreme Court is weighing a California animal cruelty law that pork producers say could upend their industry and raise the cost of their products. It’s the first big economic move on pigs since California lawmakers proposed defunding the police.

According to data from Google trends, online interest in Vladimir Putin dying surged in Russia with the phrase “death of Putin” hitting peak popularity late Monday. And this is interesting, users who searched “when will Putin die” and “who will kill Putin” noticed regardless of what they started typing in their next search, it auto-filled to “I’d be careful if I were you”

Workers pressure washed, primed, and painted the Hollywood sign ahead of its centennial celebration next year. The work being done solidifies the reputation of Hollywood — as even the signs get facelifts.

10/10/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #54:
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Friday was Russian President Vladimir Putin’s 70th birthday — “I wonder who this is from?” said Putin while stomping out a flaming bag of sh*t.

Snoop Dogg launched a THC infused version of Funyuns. The combination is a classic case of killing two birds with one stoner.

In a new survey, 60 percent of Americans say they’ve never cheated on a partner while in a relationship. Of the other 40 percent of respondents, 30 percent said that they had cheated in the past and 10 percent yelled “IT’S A TRAP.”

Fortune Magazine ranked CVS President and CEO Karen Lynch the most powerful woman in business — Fortune says Karen climbed to the top by continuously asking to see the manager.

Two teens were brutally assaulted on the New York City subway by a gang of neon green bodysuit-clad women. Those with any knowledge of the incident are urged to call the police — either city or fashion.

Denmark's Queen Margrethe has stripped four of her eight grandchildren of their royal titles. The queen grandmother answered each of the four grandchildren’s calls following their removals with “oh, so you do know how to pick up the phone.”

The United States secured the release of seven American detainees from Venezuela in a rare prisoner swap with the country. “Must be nice,” said Brittney Griner.

05/10/2022

A few miscellaneous items from issue #53:
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A new trend in helping sufferers of ADHD is listening to “brown noise” — a sometimes hazily-defined category of neutral, dense sound that contains every frequency our ears can detect. Experts say brown noise is like white noise except for some reason it gets stopped more often by police.

In 2019, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos predicted that within a decade, robotic systems will be advanced enough to grasp items with the dexterity of a human hand. This week, a video published on Amazon’s science blog features a new “pinch-grasping” robot system that could one day do just that. In the background of the video, you can see the smiling scientist who got the robotic grip just right.

The CIA has launched its own podcast. If you’re listening to the CIA podcast thinking, “I feel like I’ve had this exact conversation before,” it’s because it’s yours.

Celebrating her 50th birthday this week, Gwyneth Paltrow decided to pose completely n**e covered in gold body paint. The 50-year-old’s n**es are an advertisement for her droop products . . . sorry, Goop products.

John Cena has just set a new record as The Guinness Book of World Records recognized the actor and WWE superstar for the most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish foundation, with 650 wishes. Cena said there’s nothing he savers more than seeing the face of a dying child who thought they were getting The Rock.

19/09/2022

A few miscellaneous items from this week's issue:
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A Delta passenger won an upgrade to the airline’s Comfort Plus section by competing in a dance-off. It’s the first time a Delta passenger has said “you wanna dance?” that didn’t end in bloodshed.

A chess grandmaster has offered to rematch long-reigning world champion Magnus Carlson naked following cheating accusations. We advise against the move as it's a well-known axiom in chess that you never leave your king exposed.

A highly infectious bird flu strain was found in a Florida dolphin, the first known observation of transmission to the species. Scientists believe the dolphin contracted the disease after hooking up in Margaritaville.

Fred Franzia, of Franzia wine fame, died on Tuesday at age 79. Per his final Will and Testament, Franzia will be the first person buried in a box with a spout.

Nick Cannon welcomed his ninth child with six different women this week with two more on the way. When Cannon’s 11th child is born, he will officially become a Mormon elder.

President Biden spoke with England’s King Charles for the first time this week. The two had a lengthy discussion regarding the advancements in saltwater taffy.

A growing number of men are getting expensive surgery that lengthens their legs to make them taller. According to reports, the number of men getting the surgery is directly proportional to the number of women who say “that’s not what needs lengthening.”

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