11/09/2024
Growing up I can point so many incidents where who I am, was ridiculed. These moments have tormented me for such a long time.
The most impactful moment from my childhood was when the pastor’s wife, of the church I grew up in, asked me one day if there was something wrong with me mentally. I say this, but want to clarify, I am almost certain what she actually asked me was if I was mentally re****ed. I find so much irony in this question. I was a young child STARVED for attention. A child who wanted someone to find me worthy of loving.
Another segment of my past that has recently reappeared. I almost sent my ex husband a message clarifying the damage he had done. He had reached out in 2021 to “make amends” for his sobriety program. The part that continues to stand out to me is when he said something to the effect of, I don’t remember the bad times I only remember the good times, after I told him he almost broke me. In this letter I wanted to remind him of the EXACT pain he left. How he is a huge reason why I still carry so much shame about my body. The way it works, looks, smells. A torment so profuse that it would lead me to have five mental break downs. I continued to be the child who just wanted to be worthy of being loved.
It is classic when the planets align to aide in the energetic clearing of pain. Pluto went retrograde in Capricorn on September 1st. This will be the last time Pluto goes retrograde in Capricorn for the rest of my life. This is important because there has been a karmatic cycle going on for the last 16 years. This will be the last time I will have the planets on my side to move through this, as a Capricorn rising. I intend on removing a huge chunk, if not the whole wound of unlovability and worthlessness.
When I reflect on the last 16 years of my life, there is a NOTEABLE difference. In 2011 I would take my first step in loving myself. I would leave my ex husband and file for divorce. Something I wish I had demonstrated to me prior.
The most impactful event has been on this journey I wasn’t even conscious for the most part, was creating a family of my own. My own little family has rocked my world. The largest shift being the day I found out for certain, something was wrong with my son. From that moment on, my entire personhood changed. I moved as quickly as my terrified body could, from a mousey and manipulative girl, to who I am today.
Every time I advocated for my own child, I advocated for the little girl in me who was desperate for love. That means, even when I struggled greatly with the reality of his diagnosis that would affect the rest of my life.
In 2020, two years after my spiritual awakening and healing journey started, I would find myself sitting across from myself and she would tell me things so profound to my self realization. She would reveal that she was my driving force. This little naked two year old version of me, laying on the floor of my mind, she was why so many things that happened to me wouldn’t happen to my son.
My severely intellectually delayed child, by proxy, has been a huge leader in my own self love journey. Much of why is because my first experience with unconditional love was with him. An unconditional love so profound that when I became glaringly aware of my own struggle with him, I removed the pressure and weight I put on him and started my healing journey FOR HIM! If I didn’t start this journey to protect him from all of MY very broken parts, I would have never sat with those broken parts.
In 2020 when I sat with myself, I didn’t realize that a few months later I would be at my lowest valuelessness in many many years. Even fanticizing about what it would be like to die. That’s when my beautiful husband said the most impactful thing to me in my adulthood. He told me about how my value isn’t connected to what anyone thinks about me. I was born with value. I was given an inherent value that no one can give me OR TAKE AWAY!!!
I would spend the next few years learning to accept myself. Learning to accept my quirks and loudness. Learning to accept my intensity with grace. Smiling when I think about the times I acted “strangely”, rather than cringing.
September first started the remainder of my journey. Loving my body as much as I love the person inside of my body. Reconnecting my body to my personhood and not treating it like we are two separate entities. I saw what I needed when I was doing the shadow work. My body shows up every single day. It never abandons me, but I abandon it. It never hates me, but I hate it. It always believes in me, even though I don’t believe in it.
I don’t know where I will land with this journey, but I will tell you where I hope I will land. I want to land in a space where what I look like isn’t in the forefront of my mind. A space where I respect the strength this body has to have survived all of the violence and abuse I have experienced. One where when someone makes a comment about what I look like, my heart doesn’t hurt, but it is neutral because I love my body as much as I love myself. Because when someone doesn’t like how I act, I don’t tell Myself that it is my job to make them more comfortable by being smaller. I now tell myself it is their problem to deal with because I can’t fix their self rejection. I want to land in the same space with my own body. A space where ALL of me KNOWS I am worthy of love.
