I’m an overall artsy person and fitness professional. I love blogging, photography, modeling, and art.
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I’ve felt like a girl since before I can remember. I only recently felt safe enough to deal with the trauma encompassing who I really was. I was taught to ignore these feelings because it was the devil trying to influence me. It was deception and the devil wanted nothing more than to remove males from the equation so he could take more souls to hell (no joke). I was forced to do boy stuff instead. When I expressed my feelings and EXTREME discomfort with wearing male church clothes, or not getting the pretty toys I wanted for Xmas, I was physically and verbally abused into submission. I was forced to BE what they thought I should be. I was not allowed to think for myself, express my opinion or feelings. I was beaten, at 5 years old, until I put on that boy suit I hated SO much so I could be shown off at church.
There were many many other abusive events that discouraged me from being who I was, and conforming to what everyone else wanted. This caused me to ignore the side of me that felt so happy and natural. By the age of 13, my misery was in full tilt. I started to pull away from reality and I even started to reject myself as everyone else did. I quit creating art, I quit trying to make friends, I quit most things computer-related, I started to create a creature to be. I became overly obsessed with growing muscle. Both for protection from my oppressors, both foreign and domestic, and in hopes that people would accept me if I became more the huge bodybuilders I had stumbled across on the internet.
This took me down a path that I seriously regret, and it has taken nearly a year of therapy to remember the person I really was. My therapy has been extremely painful. I had to relive every traumatic event in order to come to terms with it and move it to a safer place in my head. 2019 has been the hardest year of my life, even harder than the years when I was homeless, but it has reminded me of the beautiful butterfly that was never allowed to emerge from its cocoon. This has brought me such extreme happiness, relief, and self-esteem I didn’t know existed.
This page is about the butterfly. The goofy, intelligent, determined, thoughtful, ultra kind, creative, and intuitive problem solver of a butterfly I was supposed to grow up as. I hope you like my page, but if you don’t, then you don’t have to stay either. I will be me moving forward, no matter what anyone else thinks 😁
