09/09/2025
Our nervous system has its own language, and we know what's right or wrong for us. We need to listen to our gut instincts and not force ourselves through situations that we know we should say no to.
When “No” lives in the body
Sometimes we talk about “saying no” as if it’s a purely logical choice. A rational decision. A sentence that comes from the head.
But so often, “no” is something much deeper than that. It’s a physical sensation.
Think about the last time you knew, instinctively, that you couldn’t or shouldn’t do something. Maybe someone asked for your time, or suggested a plan, or pushed you into a direction that didn’t feel right. Before you even had words, your body probably reacted: a tight chest, a knot in the stomach, a sudden heaviness in your arms, an urge to move away.
That’s your nervous system speaking.
For many of us – especially if we’re neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or have a history of masking to please others – recognising those body signals is hard. We’ve been trained to override them. To say yes when everything in us is screaming no. To smile and comply while our insides shrink back.
But learning to notice the physical “no” is powerful.
It might feel like:
• Shoulders rising up without you realising.
• A lump in the throat.
• Muscles stiffening.
• A sudden urge to fidget or retreat.
• A wave of exhaustion hitting out of nowhere.
These are not signs of weakness. They are signs of self-protection.
For children and young people, this is especially important. A child who refuses, avoids, or “misbehaves” is often showing us their embodied no. Their body is setting a boundary before their words can. Yet in school systems, or even at home, that can be misunderstood as defiance or rudeness.
What if, instead, we paused and asked: what is their body telling us that words cannot?
As adults, many of us need to relearn this too. We need to trust that if our chest tightens, if our breathing changes, if our whole being resists — that’s not us being “difficult.” That’s our body protecting our energy, our time, our safety.
Saying no doesn’t always come out neatly in a polite phrase.
Sometimes it’s shakily whispered.
Sometimes it’s a flat refusal.
Sometimes it’s silence, withdrawal, or even tears. That doesn’t make it less valid.
So how can we begin to embrace to the physical “no”?
• Notice what your body does when you want to say no. Write it down.
• Practise small nos in safe spaces – decline an invitation, ask for
more time, step back from a task.
• Support children to name body sensations: “I can see your shoulders are tight – is this a yes or a no for you?”
• Remember that a delayed no is still a no. Sometimes the body tells us later.
No is not just a word. It’s a whole-body experience.
And if you’ve spent years overriding it, you’re not alone. Learning to feel and honour it again is an act of self-compassion.
💬 Do you find it easy to say no? How does it show up in your body?
Emma
The Autistic SENCo
♾️
Photo: Number 2 had great difficult coordinating his limbs when learning to swim so I got him to lay on an ironing board, raised it a little and then he had something to hold him while he practised. This picture is of Number 3 doing the same on a bench.
