30/10/2025
Today has been 3 weeks in our own house. I don’t really talk much about my OCD but it was once som**hing I never thought I’d overcome. Getting my own place was som**hing I was a little worried about because in the past when i had my own houses was when I was really unwell struggling with OCD and an eating disorder that completely controlled my life.
For years I battled with my weight and a fear of contamination and germs. My OCD i never was like it with other peoples spaces only my own. I was so obsessed with cleaning and needing everything to feel perfect. My mum used to say that my past homes felt unlived in nothing was ever out of place everything was always sterile clean and I remember how uncomfortable I’d get when people came over and touched things. I didn’t want to be like that but I couldn’t help it.
Then I went into addiction for 5 years. My addiction eased the OCD and eating disorder thoughts what I call the “voice bully” but it took me to my rock bottom.
A lady reached out to me yesterday asking for advice because her little sister struggles badly with OCD. I told her what I’ve learned that OCD is often a symptom of som**hing deeper. It’s a coping mechanism a way to control som**hing when you’re carrying pain or trauma. For me i believe my core issue came from not feeling good enough a feeling that’s been with me for most of my life.
When I hit my rock bottom I realised I just didn’t want to live like that anymore not just the addiction but everything. To really change you have to be ready. And being ready means sitting with the uncomfortable feelings, not giving in to that voice bully, and choosing to keep going even when it’s hard.
Now 3 weeks into this new place this is probably the first time I’ve ever had a home that actually feels like a home. It’s not sterile. It’s not perfect. I have a toddler who is constantly making messes always has little grubby hands and gets food everywhere and im not gonna lie i dont think the voice bully ever goes away its still there and picks at me but it doesnt control me anymore
I think when you hit your rock bottom you learn what really matters and whats more important Because at the end of the day having a roof over our heads and my beautiful little boy is what really matters.
Alot of times we focus on how unhealed or broken we still are and how far we still have to go instead of recognising how far we’ve actually come. Healing isn’t about never hearing the voice bully again it’s about learning not to listen to it and knowing you’ll be ok 💜
