When Love Doesn't Fix It

25/08/2025

If it looks hard for us some days, that's because it is. It doesn't mean we can't handle it or regret anything. It just means we have chosen the chaos and their healing over our comfort.

"Because your comfort isn’t more important than their healing.
And sometimes, loving them means sitting in the chaos,
Without a thank you,
Before you choose to stay."

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You prayed for this.
You said you were “called.”
You said yes through the training and smiled during the home study.

Then the child showed up…
angry, guarded, loud.

And suddenly, it was too much.

They’re “too hard.”
“Not the right fit.”
“Disrespectful.”
“Emotionally behind.”

So you call the worker.
Ask for removal.
Start the countdown on another goodbye.

Let’s be real,
Healing doesn’t come wrapped in gratitude.
It’s screaming when the food runs out.
It’s stealing crackers and hiding them under the bed.
It’s refusing to say “I love you” because everyone else who said it left.

I’m not talking about behaviors that need medical intervention or therapeutic care…
This is the messy, raw stuff that just is.

Their trauma isn’t about you.
It’s not personal.

But if you take it personal,
If your need to be appreciated drowns out their need to be safe…
You’re not ready to foster.

You’re not ready for this sacred, brutal work.

Because your comfort isn’t more important than their healing.
And sometimes, loving them means sitting in the chaos,
Without a thank you,
Before you choose to stay.

22/08/2025

We often talk about the importance of community and support for foster families, but what does that really look like in practice?

Recently, I (Kim) worked with a foster family who has been opening their home for over 20 years. Their strength came from the community they intentionally built through their church and extended family. I saw grandparents, cousins, aunts, neighbors, and friends step in to help—whether it was covering a few hours of childcare so the parents could attend appointments, or being there in emergencies.

They also made use of respite care, which is essential for long-term fostering. This balance allowed them not only to keep fostering but also to care for their own family’s needs.

The message from their community was clear: “We can’t do what you do, but we will hold you up while you do it.”

That kind of support is what keeps foster families going strong and keeps them from feeling isolated.

16/08/2025

How much time was lost thinking I was the crazy one and that my child was telling the truth? Far too much time. Time I spent blaming myself and listening to others that blamed me.

One pivotal moment changed things for me when suddenly, I could see clearly.

But I had already lost so much by that point.

Friends, you are not alone.

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09/08/2025

So much is going on behind the scenes! We've recently been discussing how we have built our tribe and how we can help others do the same!

How have you built a supportive group of people around you? Ones that know it's hard and are willing to help in tangible ways instead of gossiping and judging from afar?

08/08/2025

"A child with developmental trauma, well-versed at manipulation, appears charming and well-behaved with other adults. Meanwhile, he or she acts out in extremely concerning ways with the primary caregiver alone. The nurturing enemy (usually the mother) is completely alone in managing and caring for the child."

This is something both of us have experienced, even with people that have been around our children for long periods of time. It's hard to explain how these children are able to pull it off right in front of others, but they do.

https://www.radadvocates.org/post/an-open-letter-to-clinicians-about-kids-with-developmental-trauma-and-their-unstable-moms?

Dear Mental Health Colleague,A mother called me in tears yesterday. Her story was one of hundreds I’ve heard over nearly 40 years in the field of attachment. The woman’s 13-year-old adopted daughter told her therapist that her mom often hits and yells at her. But here’s what happened from the ...

28/12/2024

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27/12/2024

💡 *FASD and Autism: Understanding the Intersection* 💡

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are both complex conditions that can coexist, but they are often misunderstood. While they are distinct diagnoses, they share some overlapping characteristics. Here's what to know:

✨ **Similarities**:
- Difficulties with emotional regulation and social interactions.
- Challenges in executive functioning, such as planning and organization.
- Sensory sensitivities, such as being overwhelmed by noise or light.

✨ **Key Differences**:
- FASD is caused by prenatal alcohol exposure, while autism has a multifactorial origin, including genetic and environmental factors.
- FASD often involves physical features and specific learning disabilities that may not be present in autism.

🩺**Misdiagnosis**
- Individuals with FASD are often diagnosed with austism, which can lead to therapies that are misdirected. Better understanding for how to treat FASD is greatly needed. However, because of the shame many may feel, many mothers will not admit to prenatal exposure.

💛 *Support Matters*:
- Individuals with both FASD and autism benefit from structured environments, consistency, and understanding.

26/12/2024

🎄 Supporting Children Through the Holidays 🎄

The holiday season can be a magical time, but for children who’ve experienced trauma, it can also bring challenges. Memories, disruptions to routine, or heightened emotions may feel overwhelming.

Here are a few ways we can help:
✨ Be Patient: Give them space to express their feelings, even if they seem out of place during the festivities.
✨ Create Structure: Maintain familiar routines to provide comfort and security.
✨ Empathize: Listen to their concerns and validate their emotions.
✨ Celebrate Simply: Avoid overstimulation—sometimes, smaller, quieter celebrations mean more.

Also, it's ok to be upset and disappointed when your efforts are largely unreceived. It's not you they are mad at, even when it is directed at you. The sabotage can be very strong, and very disheartening to everyone around them. It's ok to give yourself some much needed space.

23/12/2024

🎄 Let’s talk about holidays and special needs kids. 🎄

Holidays can be a lot—and not just for our kids, but for us as parents too. 🤯

Do you have family that helps out, or do they sit back and judge how you're parenting? Maybe they even offer unsolicited advice like, “Well, when I did it, I just...” 🙄 Does that sound familiar?

For kids with special needs, the holidays can throw off everything—routines, sensory needs, even expectations. And while we’re just trying to keep things together, it can be tough when others don’t quite get it.

What helps you stay sane during the chaos? What strategies or coping tips have you found that help your child (and you!) make it through the season with a little more peace and a little less stress? 💖

Let’s share and support each other. You’re not alone in this!

22/12/2024

We recently got the diagnosis for our child, and honestly, it was a bit of a rollercoaster. On one hand, getting that official label brought a sense of relief I didn’t even know I needed. It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place, and suddenly, things made more sense. The last doctor blew me off. This doctor listened and made sense of my world.

But then on the other hand, the reality hit: this is just the beginning. Now comes the real work of advocating, figuring out what’s going to help our child thrive, and navigating a whole world of services and systems. It’s overwhelming, no doubt. I’ve got the information I need, but it still feels like a lot to manage—like I’m standing at the start of a long journey, trying to figure out the best path forward.

How did you handle getting a diagnosis? Do you think it helped you in your day to day life?

18/12/2024

We've been quiet lately as we are both working with a lot of "extra" things at home. Both Kim and Naomi are working with doctors to get an accurate diagnosis for our kids.

Why?

Finding a missing piece may help us give more targeted care and therapy. Also, there is a huge mental piece when we hear a doctor say, "You are right. Your child isn't neurotypical."

The criticism we face on a daily basis is hard. I (Kim) have had a huge burden lifted just by having someone else recognize the challenge.

15/12/2024

It is impossible to know how life works in a home with special needs children.

And as their parents we do not expect others to understand, for if you did, then your lives would be just as messy as ours.

Typical parenting doesn’t work. Those cutesy reels you share about gentle parenting or informed parenting do not apply to our lives. Even our therapists, doctors and advisers often find themselves out of their depth to give us help.

But what we would like is a little empathy and understanding because sometimes (or maybe most of the times) our lives feel impossible. And every little decision we make has to impact someone.

We do our best. Knowing all the while from the outside there is simply no way to understand why we do what we must.