25/03/2026
From the very beginning, narcissists, and toxic individuals, start to exercise out a form of control. It is done very subtly, and heightens considerably as the relationship moves on.
The narc tests the individual with small commands in the beginning to see how easy it is, for you to do something that they want. This allows the narc to see if the individual is going to be easy manipulated, and a ‘serving’ candidate for relationship purposes. They do this by direct command, or by trying to ‘wrong’ you by making you feel guilty in some way. Usually these commands may be so subtle that you go along with them quite happily, whilst not recognising that from the word go, they are starting to implement how they want you to feel, act, and think.
Some of these controlling and manipulating ‘test’ tactics to name just a few, are as follows;
1. Trying to coerce you into something you are unsure about - pressurising you into something you don’t feel wholly comfortable with.
2. Manipulating you into the relationship; continual ‘chasing’ or ‘pursuing’, and being persistent to draw you in (this can often be viewed as flattering, but in fact is extremely unhealthy, can be viewed as stalker/predator type behaviour, and waves a big red flag - this is a typical narcissistic pattern).
3. Rushing the relationship - future faking; planning a busy future immediately, ie. introducing you to family too soon, a need to solidify the relationship (you are my girlfriend/boyfriend), planning holidays, talk of moving in together, engagement, etc. This is usually done within weeks, or the first few months of the relationship starting. (This again is a huge red flag, and a pattern of narcissistic behaviour).
4. Isolating you from specific friends or family, complaining about your friends, criticising your support network, that has been there for you in the past, or coercing you into spending time with them, instead of your usual social routine with others (heightened jealousy).
5. Controlling your social media; complaining about pics or statuses, telling you to change your relationship status etc.
This is why having personal boundaries is so important - as the narc is testing you from day one, and they like individuals with little, to no boundaries.
By agreeing to commands, as above, and trying to make them ‘feel more comfortable’ by making small changes to your life, you are clearly showing them that you can be ‘trained’, and easily influenced, into being controlled. This is partly how a trauma bond begins.
For example, if you have weak sexual boundaries, and the narc manages to have sexual engagement on the first, or second date, this sends the narc a clear message that you do not have strong boundaries, and self care in place with regards to the self.
Boundaries in relation to the body should be first, and foremost on your list, do bear in mind, narcs like to rush intimacy, as not only is it self-gratification for them, it instantly creates a connected feeling, especially for women, neurologically, and the narc knows this (many a woman has been scorned, upset, and used, when dropped suddenly thereafter, when this personal boundary has been amiss).
“Remember Narcs are con-artists - they are only interested in ‘eventually’ serving their own needs in a union” - this is their ONLY goal.
Narcs know in the beginning, that a relationship with them will not last, after all, they are fully aware of; their boredom threshold, their need for constant validation and supply (one partner can’t fill their never ending love bucket), and their chaotic, and toxic behaviours, and relationship history; however, it IS in their interests to convince YOU that it will work - hence why they future fake, and love bomb YOU in the beginning, to ‘trick’ you into their make-belief fantasy - so the game can begin.
When you meet a new love potential, it is important that you acknowledge;
1. Signals of controlling behaviour, however subtle, mixed with, rushing the connection - healthy, and stable individuals do not rush this process, and integrate you slowly into their life, as they get to know you. Healthy love grows, it takes time. There is no real ‘love at first sight’ or ‘twin flame’ scenarios - they do not exist.
2. Red flags that arise, or feelings in your body that something is off, uncomfortable, going to fast, or confusing. Listen to these signals, it is your moral framework at play, your emotions, and your instinctive abilities - all there to protect you.
3. That your personal boundaries are fully in place, which are set to protect YOU. Rushing, or being rushed into a relationship, should alert you that something needs promptly addressed as there is an unhealthy energy at play - a wolf in sheep’s clothing, true narc style.
“Even salt can look like sugar”
Mac’s Healthy Love Lab - “It’s all about the Self - Attracting Healthy Love” Programme - starting late spring. Knowledge is Power.
- Trauma Therapist.
