The Ramp News (2026)

16/01/2025

Patrick Morrisey Sworn In on Trump Bible

CHARLESTON — Patrick Morrisey was sworn in today using the Trump Bible. The book is also known as Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The U.S.A.” Bible, based on the banger track by the same name.With tears in his eyes, Morrisey told Ramp reporters, “I wouldn’t be where I am today without having ...

04/01/2023

The reporter was let go after The Ramp received pressure from The Giant Monster Terrorizing The City. Reporter Carl Anse was told he no longer had Giant Monster press credentials after his latest story about The Giant Monster Terrorizing The City.

W.Va. — The reporter was let go after The Ramp received pressure from The Giant Monster Terrorizing The City. Reporter Shelly Anse was told she no longer had Giant Monster press credentials after her latest story about The Giant Monster Terrorizing The City. “Those stories really ruffled some fe...

19/12/2022

MYRTLE BEACH – The Marshall Thundering Herd and the University of Connecticut Huskies are ready to rumble in the inaugural Bargain Beachwear Bowl today, December 19. This is considered a home game for Marshall for obvious reasons. The game starts at Prime Time – 2:30PM EST.

MYRTLE BEACH – The Marshall Thundering Herd and the University of Connecticut Huskies are ready to rumble in the inaugural Bargain Beachwear Bowl today, December 19. This is considered a home game for Marshall for obvious reasons. The game starts at Prime Time – 2:30PM EST. The Thundering Herd h...

18/11/2022

In a press conference, Gillespie said, “This ball club will never use performance enhancing drugs.” Ramp reporters told Gillespie that blue lights would not deter desperate ball players from enhancing performance, but it would only make enhancing performance more dangerous. Mayor Amy Goodwin interrupted to add, “I hate homeless people.”

Gillespie said, “Sure, the blue lights will only encourage ball players to enhance performance in back alleys and on the streets, but I simply won’t have it in my dugout.”

CHARLESTON — In a nearly unsatirizable turn of events, Appalachian Power Park has been renamed GoMart Park. Park manager, Paul Gillespie, announced the first phase of renovations will be installing blue fluorescent lighting in the Charleston Dirty Birds’ dugout. Chris Lehman, who recently burned...

27/10/2022

MILTON — “Oh, lovely! Dinner rolls!” exclaimed a guest at an event catered by Leah Gore, owner of Jack the Bakery. The oblivious patron said, “My taste buds know exactly what to expect!”

Trey Donaldson, a nincompoop from Maple Grove, Minnesota, was visiting a grad school friend from The Mountain State over the weekend. The unsuspecting out-of-stater bit into the assumed regular ol’ dinner roll when his existence transformed into a Aronofysky-esque hyper-zoom revealing pupils dilating, synapses firing, time-lapses of flowers blooming, soldiers kissing their wives after returning home from war, and The Big Bang.

MILTON — “Oh, lovely! Dinner rolls!” exclaimed a guest at an event catered by Leah Gore, owner of Jack the Bakery. The oblivious patron said, “My taste buds know exactly what to expect!” Trey Donaldson, a nincompoop from Maple Grove, Minnesota, was visiting a grad school friend from The Mo...

04/10/2022

Lizzo peered down the sight of John Brown’s custom 1856 Sharps rifle. Bullseye. Lizzo lubed up another round and greased the barrel, taking aim once again. *Ting!* “I told y’all I was 100% that bitch, but you didn’t know I was also 100% *this* bitch.”

CHARLES TOWN — Lizzo peered down the sight of John Brown’s custom 1856 Sharps rifle. Bullseye. Lizzo lubed up another round and greased the barrel, taking aim once again. Ting! “I told y’all I was 100% that bitch, but you didn’t know I was also 100% this bitch.” Conservative corners of t...

13/09/2022

HUNTINGTON — Local insurance agent, who requested to remain anonymous, Johnathan Maverick, was hospitalized Monday Morning after he noticed his Herd-on -- prompted by the upset victory over Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana -- did not subside.

HUNTINGTON — Local insurance agent, who requested to remain anonymous, Johnathan Maverick, was hospitalized Monday Morning after he noticed his Herd-on -- prompted by the upset victory over Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana -- did not subside. “Yeah, I was Herd... AF. We were all Herd for Christ...

09/09/2022

Coach Huff told Ramp reporters at a press conference, “You win some, you lose some. And you gotta believe in your team… in most cases. In some, fringe cases, you just gotta show up, lay down, and try not to sustain any career-ending injuries. We’re gonna get slaughter-f**ked out there. These boys are just excited to see the stadium and tour the campus. 48-13 is my prediction.”

NOTRE DAME — Marshall Thundering Herd will be traveling to Notre Dame, Indiana to get destroyed by one of the most prolific ball clubs in the history of the sport. Coach Huff told Ramp reporters at a press conference, “You win some, you lose some. And you gotta believe in your team… in most ca...

08/09/2022

Tyler Childers and The Food Stamps released two versions of a new single, “Angel Band”, today. CAN I TAKE MY HOUNDS TO HEAVEN? will be released on September 30th. The single’s reception has been mixed-- with critics praising the track and Queen Elizabeth II literally dying.

Tyler Childers and The Food Stamps released two versions of a new single, “Angel Band”, today. Can I Take My Hounds to Heaven? will be released on September 30th. The single’s reception has been mixed-- with critics praising the track and Queen Elizabeth II literally dying. The Queen of Englan...

02/09/2022

WVU students excited to commit their traditional third-degree felony arson were disappointed when the Pittsburgh Panthers took a pick six to the house with only three minutes left in the fourth quarter. Graham Short and AJ Bragg, two Mountaineer students were ready to burn a fu***ng IKEA to the ground if their team had won the Backyard Brawl. But after such a devastating loss, the students had no choice but to perform the ritual of reupholstering and restoring a shabby, old couch.

PITTSBURGH — WVU students excited to commit their traditional third-degree felony arson were disappointed when the Pittsburgh Panthers took a pick six to the house with only three minutes left in the fourth quarter. Graham Short and AJ Bragg, two Mountaineer students were ready to burn a fu***ng I...

31/08/2022

HUNTINGTON — Are you some sort of freak? Do you like being the center of attention? Are you able to stand for eight or more hours a day while being chastised about how you look or dress? Are you willing to enter an indentured servitude agreement in exchange for measly slops and poor living conditions? Well, we’ve got an opportunity for you! All of your embarrassing flaws can be put on full display as Huntington Zoo’s new Brand Ambassador position.

HUNTINGTON — Are you some sort of freak? Do you like being the center of attention? Are you able to stand for eight or more hours a day while being chastised about how you look or dress? Are you willing to enter an indentured servitude agreement in exchange for measly slops and poor living conditi...

19/08/2022

Instead of two boxers beating the living s**t out of each other for a $1000 cash prize, dozens of contestants are meeting up at the Mountain Health Center in Huntington, WV in order to see who can rack up the most COVID-19 booster shots. There will also be feminist protests over body autonomy or some s**t.

HUNTINGTON – For decades, The Rough N’ Rowdy Brawl has drawn some of the best amateur fighters and diehard fight fans in West Virginia to some of the most remote areas in the country. The brutal and bloody competition puts two local badasses in the ring, allowing them to compete for the prize…...

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