30/03/2025
Carrying the Weight: A Journey of Healing and Faith
The first season of The Bold Type concludes with an episode titled Carry the Weight. For those still making their way through the series, I won’t reveal any spoilers—but be prepared for an emotional ride. The title itself carries a profound meaning, one that resonated deeply with me.
Like the characters in the show, I, too, have been carrying the weight—of past circumstances, of pain, of memories long buried. Ideally, I should have started the healing process years ago, but I didn’t realize back then that I was struggling with depression and anxiety. In those days, mental health wasn’t widely discussed. Either depression didn’t exist in common discourse, or people simply didn’t have the language to describe what they were experiencing.
It was only through therapy that I began to understand the triggers and symptoms that had been part of my life for so long. Reflecting on my past, I realized that my anxiety may have started long before adulthood. I remember cutting myself at sixteen, desperate to release the emotions bottled up inside me. I attempted su***de twice before I turned eighteen. I didn’t know at the time that these were cries for help, manifestations of something much deeper.
Anxiety had been present in my life since childhood. I recall an incident at a concert at the Lionel Wendt when I was just eight years old. My father, running late, left me in a crowd of strangers. Overwhelmed and panicked, I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizzy, lost, terrified. That may have been my first anxiety attack—except, back then, no one called it anxiety. In the 1980s, there were no words for what I was going through.
For years, I carried the weight of rejection, of being the scapegoat, of navigating the volatile emotions of others. I endured a broken home, a violent man, and an alcoholic father. I was surrounded by people who belittled me, who hurt me. I survived, always in survival mode, until one day my mind could take no more. A subtle act of bullying in an unexpected place triggered a deep and prolonged episode of depression—one that lasted more than a year.
Though I have emerged from that darkness, I still carry the weight. But I no longer do so alone. With the help of my therapist, I unravel the past, piece by piece. She listens, she probes, she gently guides me toward healthier ways of thinking. I am in a safe and loving space now, surrounded by a husband and family whom God has placed in my life. In this security, I allow myself to come undone—to relearn love, trust, and belonging, things that were once abused and misused.
I still carry the weight, but God is steadying my hands as He lifts it, one burden at a time. As I process my past, as I change the way I think, as I learn to love myself, I inch closer to letting go. Some closures may never come in this lifetime, but I hold onto hope that one day, I will finally be free.
Depression is complex. Sometimes it stems from the past, sometimes from other factors. But one truth remains: bullying is abuse. Emotional abuse is abuse. Raised voices in anger are abuse. Abuse is abuse. We cannot ignore it, we cannot sweep it under the rug. Tolerating bullying is not kindness—it is enabling harm.
At forty-four years old, I have carried these weights for decades. People who have suffered abuse will always bear the scars, even if they appear fine on the outside. Healing takes time. If you have been an abuser, or if you have been abused, know that help is available. Professional help is not a weakness—it is a path to freedom.
You cannot overcome it alone. The weight will only build until it breaks you. We all need help, some more than others. And for those of us who are Christian, it is prideful to pretend we are fine when our souls cry out for peace. Yes, God heals—but He often does so through psychologists, therapists, medication, and support systems.
Healing is part of our transformation, from glory to glory. We must do the legwork, and God will do the healing. He is still in the business of restoration. We just have to trust Him through the process.
So that one day, we can finally stop carrying the weight.
