10/09/2025
#1
Ilang araw na rin since hindi na ako consistent sa streaming.
If I am to be asked why, I have a lot of "excuses"
"I got busy with work." While it is true na naging busy ako with a LOT of gigs and work, I know I can still manage to stream, I just don't do it.
"I got scared and intimidated." How can I be scared of something I've been doing for 4 consecutive years? Because until now, I'm still on the process of "faking it, til I make it." Of course I still get affected by the hate comments. Of course I can still feel the fear of being judged, of being not enough, of people commenting about my insecurities.
"I don't feel like doing it." I know, A LOT of people would want the opportunity I had. There are people out there who would also want to be where I am at. And I know, I SHOULD be doing more.
I keep on telling myself that I should just show up. I should show up even if I'm tired, exhausted, or not feeling it. Cause showing up MATTERS.
But I'm also scared.
Scared that maybe, the people who were with me, forgot about me.
Scared that I would just get tired and lose the spark this space used to give me.
Scared that the hate comments would push me back and leave me in spiral.
Scared that I won't have the space to go back to.
I don't know.
The only thing I know is that I should try to show up - may it be in the form of livestream, reels, photo, or even this kind of post with an AI generated photo of my "could be self"/
I should try to show up more, even if I'm scared.
Like what I always tell to my friends, even if you're scared. Do it scared.
Now I am reminding myself. Axis, do it scared.
Anyways, I miss you all.
