06/09/2019
Marriage Counselling Helps. Provided…
As I said yesterday, I want to refute the idea that marriage counselling rarely or never results in long-term improvement in marriages.
Let me start by discussing the idea of having an axe to grind. Folks who dislike something or who have had a problem with or failed at something are far, far more likely to speak up than those who like or had success with that thing. This is true for the ratings on Amazon, the comments of any blog, and what people say about marriage. Or marriage counselling.
Marriage counselling has changed a lot in the last few decades. Prior to the ’80s the average success rate of such therapy was just 50%. Today studies put the rate of couples who feel they got good help that lasted over time is 70% to 80%.
Of course, that still means 20% to 30% don’t find it helps. Many are quick to blame the counsellor. While this can be a factor, it’s not nearly as common as many would like to believe. Plenty of counsellors have a 75% success rate. When the majority get help, it’s hard to blame the helper!
So why the failures?
► A bad fit. You and your wife both need to feel comfortable with the counsellor. Some of this is their skill, but it’s also a personality issue. A good counsellor will tell you if they feel they’re a bad fit for you and may even recommend someone they think will do better.
► Waiting too long. The longer your marriage has problems, the more you hurt each other. It’s like walking on a broken leg for a month and then expecting a doctor to get you healed as fast as if you had gone to them right after the break. The longer you wait, the more time and effort it will take to get things working.
► One is done. If one (or both) of you is done with the marriage, going to a counsellor is not about getting help, it’s about checking it off your list before you file for divorce.
► Fear. For counselling to work, you both have to be willing/able to open up.
► Pride. Pride shuts people down as surely as fear. If you can’t open up about and own what you’ve done wrong, counselling is worthless to you. Likewise for your wife.
► Ongoing abuse, addiction, or adultery. These issues must be dealt with before getting help for the marriage in general. Most counsellors won’t even take a couple if one of these is happening. The guilty party must deal with their problem first.
► Unwilling to change. I once told a fellow the way he treated his wife was wrong. He said I was right. Then he said he was happy with things as they were and saw no reason to change. He is no longer married. If one or both spouses are unwilling to do what it takes, their marriage is on life support and it’s only a matter of time.
A couple of articles on this:
Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress | Journal of Marital and Family Therapy - http://bit.ly/333IDUW
Timing Is Everything When It Comes To Marriage Counseling | The Gottman Institute - http://bit.ly/332hAcf
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