The Review Eulogy

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The Review Eulogy

Hayden and Dalton review movies that receive a 10% or less on Rotten Tomatoes! Were the critics too harsh? Are they worth a watch? Tune in to find out!

20/07/2022

Oh BOY there’s another episode of the pod out there that I forgot to post about. Oh well.

Do you like funhouses? Same. Who actually likes funhouses? I mean who actually wants to visit one of these places and thinks it will be fun? It makes no sense, these places are gross, dirty, FULL of STD’s and spiders. That doesn’t even include the squatters! Did you know that funhouses are actually the most common mating grounds for Bengal Tigers? Well, now you do.
Yeah.
Imagine going to one of these with your family, taking your kids out for a nice day of fun and BOOM. Bengal Tiger corners you at the urinal. Not fun now, eh? Exactly, who wants a tiger looking over your shoulder, counting your shakes and making sure you don’t break the rules. NOT ME. NOT ME, THAT IS FOR SURE.
I just came in here to p*e, not to be reprimanded by a Bengal Tiger for how many times I shake myself dry before I go back and try to enjoy the funhouse. THIS is a free country, and this funhouse is in this FREE country so I don’t have to LISTEN TO A BENG-

I am getting off track. Anyway, what I meant to say is TUNE IN and give the new episode a listen as you anxiously await ANOTHER new one tomorrow!

07/07/2022

69 episodes.
69 movies.
69 times you have been told about this stupid podcast.
69.

Nice.

There is no way to avoid it- this movie is an unrelenting, “aggressively unwatchable” disaster. You owe it to yourself to see it and listen.
Or just listen.
Or not? It’s a free country.

69.

Nice.

23/06/2022

Oh boy do we have something special for you!
Not one...

Not TWO....

But THREE NEW MOVIES.... Entirely because I forgot to post the promos the last two weeks...

First, we have the rip roaring comedy Mother's Day, a harrowing story centered on the third crusade and how it ties into modern day conspiracies about the moon landing and the Lizard King.

Second, the heart breaking coming to age tale about a couple of friends searching for the light of God in Mexico, Search Party. Two boys piece together the journal entries left as markers by their other dead friend as they try to understand who we was. It is a truly moving adventure about drug addiction, forgiveness, and respect.

Lastly, from yesterday, is Babylon A.D....
just.. just go ahead and watch this one..

Available literally anywhere you get inject pods into you!

02/06/2022

We here at TRP would like to apologize.

First, for the embarrassing lack of promos the last month, it has been a busy, wild few weeks and sometimes our brains just do not have the creative capacity for something stupid.

Second, for what you see below. We are sorry there is no actual kissing, but Tennessee and Illinois are very far away from each other. I am sure you must be wondering, ”why are Dalton and Hayden almost kissing?”

Simple.

It’s because we are in lov- I mean because the movie we watched this week is ALL about kissing, lit up balls, resolutions, and Ludacris the police captain. That movie, of course, is New Year’s Eve! Remember that brilliant Valentine’s Day movie with Taylor Swift back in the day? Yeah, you know the one. Yep, that- no wait, go back. One more, THERE it is. That Valentine’s Day movie.

Anyway it was so “well” received ($$$$$$$$) that the team was motivated to draw from that creative well again….. and we got this.

Tune in NOW to a NEW episode of the pod available everywhere you listen!

21/04/2022

Are you disappointed yet, mom?

By show of hands, how many of you know why there’s a donkey on the cover?

Is it wrong to say Pinocchio has a nice looking ass?

Today’s movie is as enchanting as this photoshop is. 2002’s Pinocchio BUT…. With an English dub so bad it might as we’ll be banned from the Academy for a decade.

This movie is rated G, so it’s perfectly fine to show your children. Who cares if a donkey has a rock tied to its legs and is thrown into the ocean?

Out now EVERYWHERE you get pods!

16/04/2022

Fant4stic is a movie. Is it a good movie? That might depend on who you ask.…

…but was it a FUN movie? I mean it has a rock hard dude, some flaming man, stretchy boy, and some weird forcefieldy invisible lady so….
.that might also depend on who you ask.

In what can only be described as the E3 Gameplay Reveal of movie posters, the climactic battle in a city detailed below never actually appears in the movie, which, to be honest, sets the tone for ther entire three hour epic crammed into 100 minutes.

But what you really want to know is how WE feel, right?

Maybe? UwU

No?

Well if you change your mind there is BRAND NEW episode of the pod available RIGHT now - available literally everywhere!

08/04/2022

Is Dalton hungover? What is Hayden looking at?

There is no answer… at least not to the second question. There are, however, answers to be found in the cinematic masterpiece that is Kangaroo Jack.

Come along with the okayest boys this side of the Mississippi and indulge in a meandering, wholesome TAIL about an entirely CGI kangaroo that made off with the plans to the Death Star, and how best friends Thomas and Percy must work together to save them.

Available RIGHT NOW everywhere you ingest pods!

31/03/2022

Life comes at you fast and if you don’t slow down and take a look around every now and then you’ll forget to post the promo for a new episode of the pod like we definitely didn’t forget to do last week.

BUT. This week. We set a reminder.

A reminder for what you say…?

A reminder for a BRRRRRRRRRRRRAND NEW episode of the pod featuring the LISTENER pick (see mom I told you) Dumb and Dumberer, the entirely necessary entry into the DaDCU.

What’s the DaDCU? Well, if you don’t know that then I don’t know what to tell you. It’s the Dumb and Dumber Cinematic Universe. I absolutely didn’t make it up.

Tune in to find out if this movie really deserves the rotten 10% critics awarded it. I mean it has p**p jokes, sack jokes, b**b jokes, fart jokes, s*x jokes, brain freeze jokes, more p**p jokes, special needs jokes, racist jokes, more p**p jokes, more b**b jokes and Bob Saget. What’s not to love?

Available EVERYWHERE you listen to pods!

17/03/2022

The Rod is a multifaceted, multitalented, multimillionaire. Apparently he had a brief acting career before becoming a diplomat to North Korea- you know, what he’s famous for.

Now… is the Rod a GOOD actor? I mean, really you already know the answer to that BUT…

…if you wanted to learn more about it you can check out a BRAND new episode of the pod available everywhere you listen to pods. What do we think about Dennis Rodman in the 1999 action comedy Simon Sez? Who cares, really. What does our SUPER SPECIAL guest and creator of our logos Courtney Donnelly think? Tune in and FIND OUT!

10/03/2022

My dudes, dudettes, and non-binaries- thank you SO much for a fantastic year! We cannot state our appreciation and joy effectively enough. We just like talking about sh*tty movies and APPARENTLY y’all like it.

We have tried so many different projects over the last couple decades, something was bound to stick- because that’s how averages work.

Anyway.

Please, indulge in a brand new episode of the pod where we talk about our favorite moments, least favorite characters, directors we’d like to wine and dine, and if we think differently about any of these bad boys we watched.

As usual, we will be back with a BRAND SPANKING new episode next week, and who doesn’t like spanking? I mean really.

Thank you, we love you.

03/03/2022

Have you ever thought to yourself “What would Hayden and Dalton look like with a nu***ck on their necks?”

Well, my friend. You are in luck.

Feast your eyes upon our glorious throatsacks.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself “Why did Dalton and Hayden surgically implant a pair of the finest n**s this side of the Mississippi on their throats?”

Fear not, for the answer exists… in a NEW episode of the pod available RIGHT NOW wherever you get your pods from! Movie 43 is the topic this week and BOY is it a special one…..

17/02/2022

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, the movie for this week is… is it technically even a movie? Does it count if it’s just barely over an hour?

Whatever.

Smoke a fatty, grab some waves, bro, and tune in to a NEW episode of a the pod! We “dive” in deep to discuss the merits of living as a beach bum, VR surfing, and love in this riveting prequel to the FIRST season of True Detective!

Not really, but Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey ARE in this. So, maybe it’s a prequel? Look all I’m saying is there’s a LOT of things that line up is all. If there’s a world where The Rock and James Bond exist in the same- you know what, never mind.

NEW POD OUT NOW DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. 🏄🏼

09/02/2022

What’s that? We’ve never seen Bio-Dome? Are we EVEN MOVIE FANS?

That remains to be seen…

On the NEWEST episode of the pod (Out tomorrow if you were curious) we put our domes together to talk about the appeal of this critically panned, “universally hated,”90’s dumpster fire of movie…

…that has blossomed into a beautiful, glistening, THICC butterfl- I mean cult classic!

TUNE IN tomorrow (Thursday) and laugh at us as we try to discuss what appears to be an audience favorite!

02/02/2022

Legend has it this movie tells the story of how 50 opened his candy shop.

After the roaring success of 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand and a standout role in the cinema classic Righteous Kill, 50 was able to tell a life changing story about a boy and a horse named Artax who travel through time to save the world.

Supposedly a biopic, though now I’m questioning the authenticity of the Craigslist ad I saw, TWELVE is up next on the pod!

Oh, did I mention we’ll have ANOTHER person with us? Tune in TOMORROW for a fresh episode with our lovely “special” guest, SwarlyPepperman, otherwise known as Scotty “The Salami” Chesser! Don’t miss THIS three way!

27/01/2022

I want you to do something for me.

Focus. Think. Remember.

When was the last time you heard the name "Larry the Cable Guy"?

Years ago? ............Days? ...............Hours?

Don't worry. Take my hand.

I can show you the world.

"You are now about to witness the strength of [Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector in a NEW EPISODE of the POD TOMORROW]" -Dr. Dre, probably.

19/01/2022

Legend has it that the movie Gigli was considered the lowest point of Ben Affleck’s career, but is that true?

After all, now the FAKE NEWS would have us beLIEve that he is “thankful” for it and “does not consider it a low point” and “how did you get in my house I’m calling the police” all because he met J-Lo (J Lo? J-Low? Jello?)

We’ll see about that! Tune in TOMORROW bright and early and push our new sounds inside your ear holes with a BRAND SPANKING NEW EPISODE OF THE POD.

11/01/2022

Oh BOY is this episode a doozy! Tune in THURSDAY to check out our stupid review of a stupid movie.

Depending on who you ask, Vampires Suck is a flawless masterpiece. Some might even say it’s the very best vampire movie ever made!

Some may also say that it is monument to all of our sins.

FIND OUT what WE think anywhere you listen to podcasts.

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