27/09/2025
The 'No-one-can-agree-on-anything' family apple pie
This recipe has been passed down through our family for generations, and by "passed down," we mean it's been shouted, argued about, and scribbled on the backs of various utility bills. It's a true testament to the chaos that is family baking.
For the crust (or, as Uncle Stan calls it, "that unnecessary floury thing"):
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (or just "enough," per Grandma Dot)
1 teaspoon salt (or a "healthy pinch," which is a subjective measurement)
1 cup cold butter, cut into cubes (but don't use the good butter—that's for company)
1/2 cup ice water (or a guess-timation, depending on your commitment level)
For the filling (or, "the good stuff" according to everyone):
6-8 apples, peeled and sliced.
1/2 cup sugar (but add an extra 1/4 cup if you want your teeth to vibrate)
1/4 cup brown sugar (for that "rustic" flavor)
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour (for thickening, not for throwing at your siblings)
1 teaspoon cinnamon (or "just sprinkle until it looks right," which, to your cousin, means the whole container)
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg (optional, if you're not feeling fancy)
2 tablespoons lemon juice (to prevent the apples from turning brown, and to add a touch of drama)
A pinch of passive aggression (a family secret)
Instructions:
1. Start with the crust. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour and salt. Cut in the cold butter using a pastry blender or your fingers, as your ancestors did, and remember to complain about how much work it is.
2. Add water. Add the ice water, a tablespoon at a time, and mix until the dough comes together. Do not overmix, or your pie will be tough, just like your family's sense of humor. Form the dough into two discs, wrap in plastic, and let it chill in the fridge while you get distracted by social media.
3. Prep the apples. This is a family-bonding experience. Assign each family member a job: one to peel (the overachiever), one to core (the one who finds a "creative" way to do it), and one to slice (the one who cuts all the slices into inconsistent sizes).
4. Make the filling. In a large bowl, combine the sliced apples, sugars, flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, and lemon juice. Add a little extra lemon juice just to watch everyone's face pucker.
5. Assemble the pie. Take one disc of dough and roll it out. Drape it over the pie plate and fill it with the apple mixture. Roll out the other disc for the top. You can make a traditional top or attempt a beautiful lattice pattern, which will inevitably be botched and look like a toddler's art project. Seal the edges, either by crimping them with a fork or by just pushing them together with your thumbs and hoping for the best.
6. Bake. Preheat your oven to a temperature everyone can agree on (spoiler alert: no one can agree, so just pick one and stick with it). Bake for 45-55 minutes, or until the crust is golden and the kitchen smells amazing and everyone starts asking "is it ready yet?" every five minutes.
7. Serve. Let the pie cool down for a bit, but not too long, or someone will start eating it off the pan. Serve it with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, or with a scoop of shame for anyone who complains that it's "not as good as last year's."
Yields: 1 pie and a lifetime of fond, albeit slightly traumatic, memories.
