Marjani Lane

24/09/2025

There are many reasons why people practice hierarchical polyamory, whether you like it or not. Shaming people about what they're doing is unlikely to motivate them to self-reflect and change. What's actually effective is approaching these topics with empathy and curiosity, and you might be surprised at how different people define the term and what it actually looks like. I’ve met people who labelled themselves as hierarchical but did not practice polyamory in a way that I would personally define as such. I have also met “non-hierarchical” folks who are actually just practising sneaky hierarchy!

A while ago, I wrote a detailed post about why I'm moving away from using the word "hierarchy" and now I try to be more specific about what I mean - behaviour that disenfranchises others, couple privilege that goes unquestioned or is taken for granted without adequate communication of the consequences, actions/decisions made out of insecurity or fear. I'm less interested in what people are doing, and more interested in why - and I recommend you do the same.

If you're also tired of conversations around hierarchy and want to learn more about the practical aspects of couple privilege and what REAL conversations look like when negotiating equitable arrangements in polyamorous dynamics, come to my upcoming workshop, "Deconstructing Couple Privilege" with the esteemed Polyamarla. ALL TICKET HOLDERS GET A RECORDING - so even if you can't make the date, sign up anyway so you don't miss out on all the juicy content!

REGISTER HERE: https://polyam-couple.eventbrite.co.uk/?aff=Leanne

A taste of the topics we will cover…
🙏🏼 the problems with hierarchy discourse in non-monogamous communities, and the many ways asking "is this hierarchy?" can actually be counterproductive and even harmful
🙏🏼 how couple privilege affects all partners in polyamory, not just those outside of coupled pairs
🙏🏼 how finances, disability, parenthood, and other factors intersect with - and complicate - the concept of 'couple privilege'
🙏🏼 how to consider, mitigate, or (if desired!) dismantle the effects of couple privilege in a effective, empathetic, and communicative way

TICKETS: https://polyam-couple.eventbrite.co.uk/?aff=Leanne

24/09/2025

Learning the true story behind Mother Teresa, really flipped my view of christian missionary work. When I was in the church, we were taught she was a savior that helped the sick, wounded, and needy. That she collected all sorts of funds and medical equipment to aid the healing of others, and she brought first world medical care to third world countries…but that wasn’t true.

A 2013 University of Montreal study concluded that her mission prioritized the spiritual value of suffering over providing effective treatment. Her belief was that suffering helped individuals get closer to God, and this philosophical stance overshadowed the practical need to relieve pain.

Mother Teresa glorified suffering in others. She refused to use most of the medication and funds for its intended purpose. Allegations of mismanaged charitable funds were made, with critics questioning the use of the large sums of money donated to her organization

Critics and volunteers reported inadequate medical care in her facilities, including unsanitary conditions and a reluctance to use painkillers for the dying and sick. Her rigid opposition to contraception, abortion, and divorce was considered by some to be an example of her overly dogmatic views, which could impact the effective care of those in need.

She received the Nobel Peace Prize. All she did was pray over those dying, while refusing to use charitable contributions to care for her patients. She was glorified for prolonging and exacerbating the suffering of others. She had the tools and means to provide aid, but she only provided prayer.

There is nothing virtuous about torturing those in pain. When looking into other missionary work, I found similar stories. We only heard one side of the story, and the communities missionaries aided…were frequently left worse off than they started.

Just like with everything in life, there is good in the bad and bad in the good. I’m not saying missionaries don’t do anything good. I’m just saying they are doing and taking whatever they want, and everyone assumes anything under the guise of charity is with pure intention.

A modern example is Renee Bach. Renee Bach is a controversial American missionary and founder of the charity Serving His Children, which operated in Jinja, Uganda. She was seen as a savior. Completely unqualified, she decided to start playing doctor.

Due to Renee’s lack of education, she killed over 100 people in 5 years due to malpractice. She collected donations and medical equipment, claimed the best of intentions, and kept murdering her patients. Uganda voiced they were powerless against the missionary, and the USA refused to hold their citizen accountable. She has a documentary called “Savior Complex” that will go in depth.

Missionaries taught me the importance of there being 2 sides to every story. The stories we hear, aren’t the stories these impacted communities tell.

23/09/2025

Just in case you forgot …

Slavery and colonization had a huge impact on how Black people navigate non-monogamy.

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23/09/2025

I got over 8,500 reactions on my posts last week! Thanks everyone for your support! 🎉

22/09/2025

22/09/2025

Ma’am, our children are here.

And yes this is the same ex-wife that broke into my home years ago. To this day I don’t understand how someone could blame me for a man that very clearly didn’t want you.

I rarely get to see so up front, close and personal how some women would literally ignore all of the signs for a man, as long as they have a man.

The fact that I had messages upon messages where he said he didn’t want to be with her unless I literally didn’t want him is astounding. The whole time I’m sitting there like - “oh great, this is ghetto to be attempting to fight me over a man that would leave you right now if I say the word.”

I can remember her now, insulting me because I was polyamorous - which had nothing to do with anything. It’s not a win to take back an abusive partner. No one wins.

Want to hear more about what happened this day? Subscribe lol.

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21/09/2025

The other day after relaxing with a partner, I went and had lunch with my son.

It is likely I acquired PTSD strictly from my last serious relationship- something I’m coming to terms with as of lately. So when I have a days like this I really try to get comfortable.

Sometimes with my PTSD for this specific situation I spend a lot of time focusing on what I couldn’t do or preparing for something bad to happen. From learning to sleep comfortably without worrying that someone will break into my home or my partner’s home looking for me (yes- this has happened), or knowing when I get home that there won’t be any harassing notes on the door or “gifts” at the front door (although I still turn my corner to my door with anxiety expecting something), or remembering that I don’t have to prepare for a sabotage by just going on a date.

It’s very difficult to leave a relationship that you don’t realize you’re being abused and/or you excuse the abuse because the person isn’t getting mental health care. I’m not super empathetic but when it comes to mental health, I have a very open mind due to my own issues with it in the military.

However not getting mental health care when someone you trust expresses concern and you have access to get affordable or free care can be abusive do your loved ones.

And I’ll d/e on that hill.

So on days like this - after my nervous system is relaxed by kind words, gestures, and someone with a secure attachment - I feel grateful and energized. It also shows my son healthy relationship dynamics regardless of how he chooses to navigate his adult relationships.

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship(s), you have to give yourself permission to leave. You have to remember you have free will and a choice. You can also be sad and feel guilty for “abandoning” a partner(s) in need, but if that person is excusing their abuse for their mental illness (diagnosed or not), you don’t have to accept that. DV doesn’t have to be as obvious as physical violence. It can be cold shoulders, sabotaging experiences, poor financial decisions, stalking (even if they leave “nice things”), calling you during important events multiple times, not letting you sleep, using your children as buffers, indirect insults (like saying they hate a certain type of person but you’re “different” even if you identify as that), and the list goes on.

I encourage those who are healing from these relationships to really lean into the small things and remember those are the minimums for your life’s enjoyment.

20/09/2025

March 2021, I came home to a random woman who said she was the wife of the man I had been seeing extremely casually at that time.

She did not have permission to enter my home from me. She did pretend to be someone else and my roommate let her in.

She spent the greater part of our about 30mins exchange begging me and then attempting to manipulate me into stopping all correspondence with her husband.

To be clear she walked past her husband to come to my house to ask me this. She also drove his car. And come to find out she has been stalking him and in turn me.

I couldn’t hear anything past her breaking into my home which years later she acknowledges that she did do. And before anyone starts - they were separated and preparing to divorce. I even asked her face to face - “is he cheating on you with me?” And she said no, agreeing that they had decided to start dating other people during this time.

Now if you want the full details of how this happened - I’ll be posting the story - with my receipts - in my subscription section. You’ll have to subscribe for all of that, sorry.

But in the meantime - don’t break into people’s houses and beg them to stop talking to your spouse or partner - that’s a deadly move in some states.

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