Moriarty Flash News: New Mexico's Hottest Source (2025)

06/08/2025

Beauty for Asses: The Mane Event That Changed Moriarty Forever

MORIARTY, NM — In a town known for its windswept plains, suspiciously well-coiffed tumbleweeds, and a population that outnumbers its horses by a mere handful, one salon dared to ask the question: Why should humans have all the highlights?

Founded in 1987 by local visionary and part-time rodeo clown, Glenda “Giddyup” Martinez, Beauty for Asses began as a humble grooming shack behind the feed store. Legend has it Glenda was inspired after a particularly judgmental donkey named Carl refused to participate in the county fair until his bangs were “less tragic.”

Originally catering to the grooming needs of stubborn livestock, the salon quickly gained traction among humans who admired the glossy manes and confident struts of their four-legged counterparts. “I saw what she did to Carl,” said longtime client Doris Hinkle. “He went from barnyard to Beyoncé in one afternoon.”

By the mid-90s, Beauty for Asses had expanded its services to include perms for ponies, balayage for burros, and a controversial “mane extension” program that briefly involved repurposed tumbleweed. The salon’s motto—‘If it has hair, we care’—became a rallying cry for the follicularly ambitious across Torrance County.

In 2003, the salon faced its greatest challenge when a mule named Randy sued for emotional distress after receiving what he described as “a Karen cut.” The case was settled out of court with a lifetime supply of detangler and a public apology from Glenda, who admitted she was “experimenting with layers.”

Despite the scandal, the salon’s reputation only grew. Tourists began flocking to Moriarty not for Route 66 nostalgia, but to witness the annual “Asses of Elegance” showcase, where local donkeys strutted down a glitter-strewn runway to the sound of Dolly Parton and distant coyotes.

Today, Beauty for Asses stands as a pillar of the community—a place where dignity is restored one hooficure at a time. The salon now offers “Desert Glam” packages, including cactus-infused conditioner and rattlesnake fang exfoliation (for consenting clients only).

When asked about the future, Glenda’s daughter and current salon manager, Trixie Martinez, said, “We’re looking into alpaca lash lifts and possibly a podcast. People need to hear these stories. The world needs more beauty. And more asses.”

02/05/2025

Moriarty, NM – Dumpsterland mastermind Charlie Werewolf has once again defied conventional business models with the official launch of the Biscuit Tube—the world’s first aerial biscuit trade system. Suspended over the heart of Dumpsterland, the Biscuit Tube promises to revolutionize the way biscuits are exchanged, delivered, and debated in mid-air transactions.

“Why walk to buy biscuits when you can shoot them across the sky?” Werewolf declared at the grand opening ceremony, gesturing proudly toward the intricate system of oversized pneumatic tubes zigzagging across the landfill amusement park. “It’s efficiency. It’s art. It’s borderline dangerous.”

According to project insiders, the Biscuit Tube operates on a high-speed vacuum system, capable of launching biscuits between trade hubs in less than three seconds. Levi Felon Greasewood, chief engineer and frequent participant in questionable business ventures, admitted the system had some kinks.

“The first round of tests sent biscuits straight into the swamp,” Greasewood said, gesturing toward a soggy pile of lost cargo. “But we fixed that. Now it’s a mostly controlled launch.”

Haiti Diamonds, the self-appointed PR director of Dumpsterland, expressed cautious optimism. “Look, I’ve worked with Charlie on a lot of projects. This one? Surprisingly plausible. And hey, if it fails we pivot to launching other things—maybe cannabis coffee, maybe 'handmade' jewelry, maybe unsolicited legal notices.”

The Moriarty city inspector, who attended under protest, demanded paperwork. “There is no permit for ‘biscuit-based sky trade.’ That’s not a thing.”

Werewolf remains unfazed. “Dumpsterland does not believe in permits. But we do believe in biscuits. And progress."

Local spectators watched as the first official biscuit exchange commenced, with a flaky buttermilk biscuit successfully traveling 400 yards through the tube network before landing in the hands of a delighted customer.

With expansion plans already in motion, including international biscuit trade routes and a secret toaster-powered booster system, Werewolf is confident that the Biscuit Tube will leave a lasting mark on the industry—whether the industry is ready or not.

24/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM- Residents of Moriarty gathered this week in an unusual display of curiosity and concern as local entrepreneur Charlie Werewolf unveiled his latest creation, the Toe Truck, a massive vehicle modeled after an oversized human foot. The launch event at Dumpsterland. It drew a crowd that ranged from curious spectators to city officials demanding permits.

The truck designed with hairy wheel wells and a suspiciously lifelike big toe runs on a proprietary toe jam powered hydraulic system. Levi Felon Greasewood, mechanic and part time legal trouble magnet, admitted he had concerns.

City inspector Dale Thompson was less amused. "There are no regulations for vehicles shaped like feet," he muttered flipping through his manual.

As the Toe Truck lurched forward during its demonstration wiggling its pinky toe in an unsettling fashion the city inspector promptly left. Meanwhile murmurs of future demolition derbies and potential sponsorships from foot care companies swirled among the audience.

Whether the Toe Truck becomes a roadside sensation or simply another Moriarty oddity remains to be seen. But one thing is certain no one will forget it.

23/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Dumpsterland’s newly launched petting zoo was abruptly shut down this week after furious guests discovered that every single animal was, in fact, just a possum dressed as another species.

Originally advertised as a “diverse and educational animal experience,” the zoo was marketed as featuring an exotic collection including miniature cows, rare jungle birds, and a certified emotional support camel named Todd. However, guests quickly became suspicious when Todd refused to stand upright and instead scurried into a pile of discarded flyers after being approached.

Further investigation revealed that all of Dumpsterland’s “exotic animals” were actually just possums outfitted with various wigs, hats, and questionable disguises.

Authorities ordered an immediate shutdown, while guests demanded refunds, arguing that a screaming match with a possum wearing a horse mask does not legally qualify as a pony ride.

Charlie Werewolf defended the operation, claiming, “Look, possums have an undeniable charm. Maybe instead of being upset, people should appreciate the ingenuity here.”

Despite the controversy, Werewolf insists the petting zoo will be rebranded and reopened soon, with promises of “better costumes and at least one actual bird.”

23/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Scientists and health officials are scrambling for answers after a thick green fog rolled into Dumpsterland coating attractions, visitors, and a confused group of pigeons in an unsettling neon haze.

The phenomenon began early Wednesday morning, with employees noticing an eerie glow forming above the park’s signature attraction, the Trash Tower Freefall. Within minutes, the fog spread across the entire amusement park, prompting some guests to flee while others embraced it as “unexpected special effects.”

Experts rushed to Dumpsterland to analyze the mysterious gas, but early reports indicate no clear source or explanation. One investigator, clearly frustrated, told reporters, “We’ve tested for chemicals, landfill emissions, even supernatural interference, and all we can say right now is ‘yeah, something’s definitely happening.’”

Charlie Werewolf, ever the businessman, has already started marketing the incident as a “one-of-a-kind immersive experience,” posting signs around the park encouraging guests to “breathe in the mystery” and “embrace the unknown.”

Meanwhile, health officials are advising residents to avoid prolonged exposure to the fog, though those who have come into contact with it report minor side effects including unexplained giggling, increased appetite for pudding, and occasional honking noises.

For now, Moriarty officials are monitoring the situation, though sources say Werewolf is already considering renaming Dumpsterland’s food court “The Green Zone” in honor of the phenomenon.

23/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Concerns over ride safety at Dumpsterland have reached new heights after reports surfaced that Charlie Werewolf’s latest inspection method consisted of casually shaking various attractions and muttering, “Yeah, seems fine.”

State inspectors, originally scheduled to conduct a formal evaluation of Dumpsterland’s rides, arrived on-site only to find that Werewolf had already “personally handled” safety verification using what he called his “patented reliability test.” According to witnesses, this method involved kicking the Ferris wheel, tugging on a roller coaster track with his bare hands, and encouraging Greg, the unpaid legal intern, to stand under a questionable swinging ride “just to see what happens.”

Local authorities say the investigation is ongoing, but Dumpsterland has refused to shut down attractions, insisting that “nothing has fallen over yet.”

Meanwhile, guests have started taking safety into their own hands, with one visitor reportedly wearing full-body bubble wrap while attempting to ride the park’s malfunctioning bumper cars.

Charlie Werewolf issued a public statement reading, “Listen, it’s probably fine. That’s the magic of Dumpsterland.”

The state’s final safety report is expected next month, pending further examinations that don’t involve Werewolf’s personal methods.

22/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — A deafening honk, described by witnesses as “Honk-A-Pocalypse” erupted across the state late last night, sending residents into a panic and prompting statewide investigations. The source? Dumpsterland, of course.

The honk, which reportedly caused car alarms to malfunction, livestock to scatter, and at least one elderly man to declare the end times, has left experts baffled. Witnesses from as far away as Albuquerque and Roswell reported hearing the monstrous noise, some describing it as “a goose with deep emotional baggage” and others likening it to “a truck horn blasted through a cosmic distortion.”

Authorities scrambled to locate the origin of the sound, eventually pinpointing Dumpsterland after security footage showed CEO Charlie Werewolf sprinting through the park moments after the noise, shouting, “I don’t know what just happened, but I love it!”

Initial theories suggested the sound may have come from a malfunctioning attraction, possibly the controversial Clown Babysitter Speedway, where felon clowns have been training toddlers in reckless go-kart driving. However, further investigation revealed that the honk came from deep within the park’s abandoned experimental zone, where Werewolf has been conducting secret tests for what he calls “the next era of amusement park science.”

Locals fear this could be yet another ill-fated Dumpsterland project, following past disasters such as the Baby Rodeo and Gary the Raccoon’s fraudulent tax services. Meanwhile, panic continues to spread as residents demand answers about the mysterious honk’s true purpose.

Charlie Werewolf issued a brief statement in response to the controversy, saying, “Listen, all I’m saying is—what if it was a sign? What if the honk has chosen us?”

Officials have promised further investigations, though Werewolf is reportedly moving forward with plans to monetize the phenomenon, with a new Dumpsterland attraction tentatively named “Honk-A-Pocalypse: The Experience.”

For now, New Mexico residents remain on edge, waiting for the next unexpected blast of noise.

18/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Dumpsterland CEO Charlie Werewolf has once again found himself at the center of a scandal, this time for something no one saw coming—being a secret Juggalo.

The shocking revelation was made when undercover photos emerged of Werewolf fully decked out in classic clown face paint, a worn-out Hatchetman hoodie, and a suspiciously large collection of Faygo bottles. The images, allegedly taken during an underground gathering at a highly classified dirt lot, show Werewolf passionately rapping along to Insane Clown Posse deep cuts while attempting what witnesses described as a reckless but admirable attempt at ninja moves.

The leaked evidence immediately sent Dumpsterland loyalists into a frenzy. Some employees expressed betrayal, claiming that Werewolf’s longstanding avoidance of Juggalo-themed attractions was a cover-up for his own hidden affiliation. Others embraced the revelation, stating that Dumpsterland has always had a chaotic energy that aligns perfectly with Juggalo culture.

Werewolf was forced to address the allegations during an impromptu press conference held near the world’s least functional roller coaster, where he refused to answer direct questions.

Despite this attempt at damage control, insiders say Dumpsterland’s board members are holding emergency meetings to determine whether this revelation will impact park operations.

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Werewolf is considering adding an all-Juggalo section to Dumpsterland, including attractions such as:
- The Faygo Flume – A log ride where guests are repeatedly blasted with suspicious soda
- The Insane Carousel Posse – A spinning attraction that never stops unless you prove your dedication to the family
- The Whoop-Whoop Waterslide – Self-explanatory

While Dumpsterland fights to contain the scandal, Werewolf himself remains unfazed. When asked directly whether he identifies as a Juggalo, he simply cried, howling out a weak, "Whoop whoop."

Only time will tell how Dumpsterland survives this latest revelation.

16/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — In a move that has accountants and federal tax officials deeply concerned, Dumpsterland CEO Charlie Werewolf has unveiled a new service just in time for tax season. The new pop-up tax booth, Totally Legal Tax Preparation, is operated by Gary the Raccoon, whose only qualification appears to be an abacus and questionable ethics.

The tax booth, located between the Dumpsterland bumper car graveyard and the suspiciously unlicensed roller coaster, promises lightning-fast tax filing at never-before-seen discounts. Flyers circulating in town claim that Gary can optimize deductions using proprietary rodent logic and help taxpayers keep more money using methods that are technically legal.

Sources say that Gary, a raccoon with no formal tax training but a deep commitment to dramatic bead counting, has already processed over 17 tax returns. Most include deductions for dumpster usage fees and emotional damage from government forms.

When asked how the operation works, Werewolf assured reporters that Gary is a numbers guy, a tax wizard, a finance prodigy. He understands loopholes on a spiritual level. He then added that the raccoon is extremely passionate about lowering taxable income before aggressively winking several times in a row.

Critics, including actual licensed accountants, have already warned citizens not to trust a tax service run by a wild animal who sleeps in a pile of shredded invoices. The IRS has declined to comment, but one anonymous official was overheard muttering, "We're going to have a very long tax fraud investigation next year."

Despite growing concerns, Dumpsterland is actively encouraging locals to swing on down and let Gary take their tax burdens off their paws. The service will remain open until either tax day or the moment Gary is forcibly removed by authorities.

For now, the people of Moriarty must decide—do they trust a raccoon with their financial future, or do they want to avoid prison this year?

16/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — In a development that has left locals speechless, Levi Felon Greasewood, self-proclaimed Lord of Loserville, has entered into a polygamous relationship with April Felon Greasewood and an unidentified hybrid chicken with a split tongue.

The announcement was made during a Loserville press conference, where Levi stood atop a pile of discarded lawn chairs, dramatically declaring, "Love transcends boundaries, logic, and species. Also, the chicken has strong moral values."

While April Felon Greasewood, known for her expertise in passive-aggressive fundraising, appeared entirely unbothered by the arrangement, the chicken—named Professor Beakly in official Loserville documents—remained largely silent except for occasional disapproving clucks.

The union has sparked significant controversy, with critics arguing that Levi is using the relationship as a bizarre marketing stunt to bring attention to Loserville. Others suspect it is an elaborate attempt to outdo Charlie Werewolf, who once proposed adding Romantic Dumpster Weddings to Dumpsterland’s attraction list.

Legal experts are also weighing in, with some questioning whether Loserville’s governing policies even allow cross-species marriage. The Moriarty Municipal Court has already received paperwork from an unnamed concerned citizen requesting an official ruling on whether poultry can consent to a long-term commitment.

Charlie Werewolf, when reached for comment, simply laughed for thirty uninterrupted seconds before stating, "I’ve done a lot of strange things in my life, but I can proudly say that marrying a chicken has never been one of them."

Despite public skepticism, Levi remains adamant that the relationship is legitimate. He has reportedly submitted plans for a lavish honeymoon featuring a private booth at the local gas station diner and a celebratory ride on Loserville’s malfunctioning Ferris wheel.

Meanwhile, Professor Beakly has yet to issue an official statement, though sources close to the hybrid chicken claim that she’s just trying to take this one day at a time.

As Loserville continues to spiral into increasingly bizarre territory, only time will tell whether this unusual romance stands the test of time or if Professor Beakly ultimately files for divorce.

16/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Chaos erupted in the local theme park scene this week as Levi Felon Greasewood, self-proclaimed Lord of Loserville, unveiled his newest venture—Loserville, an amusement park built directly atop a landfill.

The attraction, marketed as "a luxury trash experience," has already raised eyebrows due to its aggressive marketing campaign, which includes slogans such as "Forget Dumpsterland, come wallow in your failures at Loserville" and "Where dreams go to rot, but at least there’s funnel cake."

Greasewood, a notorious businessman with a history of highly questionable entrepreneurial pursuits (including Unlicensed Rodeo for Teens and The Discount Haunted House That Was Just His Garage), insists that Loserville will "redefine landfill leisure" and "give Dumpsterland a run for its money."

Attractions include:
- The Sad Ferris Wheel– Moves slower than expected, leaving riders in extended moments of self-reflection
- The Regret Rapids – A water ride made entirely from repurposed bathtubs, sponsored by Moriarty’s number one divorce attorney
- Trash Tower Freefall – Guests climb a mountain of discarded furniture before dramatically falling onto a pile of questionable foam mattresses

Despite Greasewood’s confidence, Loserville’s grand opening has already faced backlash. Reports indicate that several rides stalled due to excessive rat interference, and guests complained that the VIP Lounge was just a broken recliner surrounded by expired soda.

Meanwhile, Charlie Werewolf has responded to Loserville’s emergence with barely contained amusement. In a brief statement, he remarked, "I wish Levi the best of luck competing against me. Though I do wonder if he’ll regret calling his park ‘Loserville’ when the lawsuits start rolling in."

Insiders say Dumpsterland employees have been instructed to "monitor Loserville’s inevitable implosion" while preparing for the inevitable legal battle. If history is any indication, Dumpsterland and Loserville are on a collision course for what might be Moriarty’s most absurd business rivalry yet.

Stay tuned—because nothing in this town stays functional for long.

15/04/2025

MORIARTY, NM — Dumpsterland is back in headlines with their highly controversial clown babysitters, hired by Charlie Werewolf. In a desperate attempt to replace the Baby Daddy Coalition, he once again landed the amusement park in hot water. This time, the scandal involves an unauthorized event dubbed the “Dumpster Baby Rodeo,” which left parents furious and local authorities scrambling to restore order.

Witnesses say the clowns, who were hired despite their questionable criminal records and complete lack of childcare experience, decided to host the Dumpster Baby Rodeo as a “fun bonding activity.” The event featured toddlers dressed as miniature cowboys, riding atop mechanical bulls made from repurposed carnival equipment.

The chaos began when one of the bulls malfunctioned, launching a baby cowboy into a cotton candy stand. Another toddler reportedly attempted to lasso a clown, resulting in a tug-of-war that ended with the clown falling into a puddle of melted pudding cups.

Parents were horrified, with one mother describing the scene as “a nightmare disguised as entertainment.” Another parent, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I thought Dumpsterland couldn’t get worse after the Baby Daddy Coalition was fired. But this? This is a new low.”

Charlie Werewolf, when reached for comment, defended the clowns, stating, “Look, they’re trying their best. And honestly, who doesn’t love a good rodeo? It’s cultural enrichment.”

The clowns, however, have refused to take responsibility for the fiasco. One clown, known only as "Bold Bozo” claimed the event was “an artistic experiment” and blamed the toddlers for “not understanding the deeper meaning of rodeo culture.”

Local authorities have since shut down the Dumpster Baby Rodeo and issued fines to Dumpsterland for violating safety regulations. Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that the clowns are planning their next big event: a “Baby Gladiator Arena” where disputes over toys are settled in a foam-padded coliseum.

Dumpsterland’s reputation continues to plummet, with critics calling for Charlie Werewolf to step down as CEO. Werewolf, however, remains defiant, releasing a statement that reads, “If people can’t handle a little rodeo action, maybe they’re not cut out for Dumpsterland."

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