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The Buchanan County Free Press This is a satire news site, we may use real events and names but all articles are fictitious. Any re

A satirical look at the happenings in and around Buchanan County Virginia.

BUCHANAN FREE PRESS WANT ADSCROWE COMMONS We've got a sweet new rental on the market, folks! A ginormous 750sqft mobile ...
26/04/2026

BUCHANAN FREE PRESS WANT ADS

CROWE COMMONS We've got a sweet new rental on the market, folks! A ginormous 750sqft mobile home, a beautiful front porch, a large drive-in barn, a hot tub and some seriously breathtaking landscaping. This baby won't be available for long. Contact Burl Crowe at Crowe Commons if you're looking to rent this gem

Local Man Accused of Election InterferenceGrundy, Va. - Burl CroweA local man, Phil Coffins, was recently accused of ele...
31/03/2026

Local Man Accused of Election Interference
Grundy, Va.
- Burl Crowe

A local man, Phil Coffins, was recently accused of election interference by several local citizens. According to information received by the Buchanan County Free Press, Mr. Coffins has been formally accused of interfering with the upcoming April 21st special election.

The accusation came in the form of a formal letter addressed and signed by several self proclaimed "concerned Democrats." According to the letter, the concerned citizens believe that Mr. Phil Coffins should be the subject of a formal investigation due to his involvement in election interference which took place on March 15th at 8:15 pm. The letter goes on to say that Mr. Phil Coffins was seen and photographed locking the cemetary gate at the Grundy Cemetary.

The letter goes on to state that "Mr. Coffins knowingly locked the gate with the full intent of preventing potential Democrat voters from exercising their rights as citizens to vote." The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to Mr. Coffins who claims innocence and stated "I had just finished cutting the grass and doing some maintenance around the cemetary and my intent was to lock the gate to keep others out of the cemetary after dark, at no time did I realize that what I was doing would disenfranchise Democrat voters."

The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to local authorities and made an inquiry to discover that the letter had reached the Sheriffs Department and that a formal investigation had begun. As of press time today, all cemetary gates in Buchanan County are ordered to be unlocked until a court can determine whether or not locking cemetary gates is disenfrancshing to Democrat voters.

With the special election only a few weeks away, this court decision and ongoing investigation could possibly determine the number of voters participating in the April 21st election. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to local Democrats for comments and we were able to find a few who were willing to cooperate with a statement.

"I bet you that guy is a Republican, they are always trying to keep people from voting, my grandpa has not missed an election since he died and I be durned if I am gonna sit back and let someone take away his right to vote now," said Lou Sassle a Grundy resident.

"I think it is something that needs to be looked into, election interference is a serious crime and if we don't stop it this time, the next thing you know they will try to make people prove who they are before voting," said Dean Gullberry of Vansant.

The Buchanan Free Press will stay on top of this story as it develops.

Roadside Coffee Shop Shut Down By Health DepartmentVansant, Va.- Burl CroweA local mobile coffee shop owner has had his ...
26/02/2026

Roadside Coffee Shop Shut Down By Health Department
Vansant, Va.
- Burl Crowe

A local mobile coffee shop owner has had his shop temporarily shut down by the Health Department. According to a press release by the Health Department on Tuesday, Kent's Coffee Shop received one violation and apparently it was big enough to shut down the small town vendors operations.

"They came in here unannounced, did an inspection and then presented me with a cease and desist order for a single violation," said the proprietor, Kent Uckly. "I was literally right in the middle of mixing a Venti iced americano 5 shots decaf with almond milk, extra ice, 8 honey, 7 matcha, double blended, double cupped latte' and they shut me down," said Kent.

The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to the Health Department and a spokesman said "rules are rules, the Commonwealth of Virginia has a strict no styrofoam rule and Mr. Uckly was violating that policy, we can't let these folks just do anything they want, the health and safety of our citizens is at stake." According to the Health Department spokesman, "Mr. Uckly will be fully operational just as soon as he removes the styrofoam cups, if he wants to be back up and operational he will need to comply with our policies."

The Buchanan County Free Press asked Mr. Uckly if he planned on complying with the ordinance to which he replied, "anything to get back up and operational again, next thing you know they are gonna start making me wash my hands before serving each customer."

FOOD TRUCK NIGHTSouthern Gap, VA.- Burl CroweThe Buchanan County Board of Supervisors in coordination with the BCIDA rec...
23/02/2026

FOOD TRUCK NIGHT
Southern Gap, VA.
- Burl Crowe

The Buchanan County Board of Supervisors in coordination with the BCIDA recently announced a proposed plan to incorporate Food Truck Night at Poplar Gap.

The initiative will feature a wide variety of local vendors each night of the week beginning in March and running all the way through the end of July.

The program will not only expose locals to a wide variety of delicacies it will also give exposure and business opportunities for local food truck vendors. The program will guarantee each vendor a minimum of $500 per night for set up and allow them to keep all profits made from their respective Food Trucks.

"We are providing $500 per night to get these food trucks here and we believe this incentive will get more of them coming back to Poplar Gap," said a Board member. The Buchanan County Free Press asked the board member to estimate exactly how much money would be spent on the food truck program. According to the board member, early estimates indicate that the county along with the IDA will be making a $75,000 investment to attract food truck vendors into the county.

As of press time the Buchanan County Free Press has learned that a huge variety of vendors have already signed up for the program. The program will pay any vendor a one time $500 fee for operating a twelve hour shift in the county, the vendor hopefully will see the benefit and return, on their own, afterwards on a regular schedule.

The Free Press reached out to a few of the potential vendors and are excited to announce that many plan on returning for multiple visits. A few of the expected vendors are pictured below.

Locals Perform Alternative Super Bowl Halftime Show Hurley, Va.-Burl CroweThe scheduled Super Bowl LX halftime show feat...
09/02/2026

Locals Perform Alternative Super Bowl Halftime Show
Hurley, Va.
-Burl Crowe

The scheduled Super Bowl LX halftime show featuring Bad Bunny was initially met with controversy. This controversy eventually led to Turning Point USA scheduling the first of it's kind alternative, the Great American Halftime Show. Two local Brothers were not impressed by either.

On Sunday night at approximately 8:00 pm two local brothers Liam and Husker Dew from Slab Fork in Hurley decided that they too were going to live stream an alternative halftime show of their own. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to the duo and asked them about their endeavor.

"The NFL has gone soft and ain't neither one of us care for any of these halftime shows they've been puttin' on as of late," said Liam. "We figure folks like us are never catered to and it was about time somebody gave the country what they really want," said Husker. The Slab Fork duo's set list included "Rocking In The Free World," "Whole Lot Of Rosie," "Stranglehold," and a banjo accompanied rendition of "Freebird."

The local duo have been rehearsing for nearly a week and along with the help of some of their friends they were able to set up a tripod with a Motorola phone and Livestream to YouTube during halftime.

According to YouTube data the TPUSA program received nearly 5 million views and an inquiry by the Buchanan County Free Press discovered that the Dew Brothers performance has, as of the release of this article, received 112 views.

When asked about how they felt their performance would be viewed by American culture, the duo had this to say, "it was our first time going up against a crowd that big, but in the end, at least you could understand what we were saying and we didn't wear no dresses, there is an audience for that and that's who this show was fer."

Area Man Convicted - Will Serve Life Sentence Grundy, VA - Burl Crowe An area man with a stutter was recently told that ...
30/01/2026

Area Man Convicted - Will Serve Life Sentence
Grundy, VA
- Burl Crowe

An area man with a stutter was recently told that he would spend the rest of his life in prison. His victims worry that he may not finish his sentence.

More news on this story as it develops.

ANTI-ICE PROTEST PLANNED -Grundy, VA. Burl CroweA local group of disgruntled citizens have announced plans to conduct an...
30/01/2026

ANTI-ICE PROTEST PLANNED
-Grundy, VA.
Burl Crowe

A local group of disgruntled citizens have announced plans to conduct an Anti-Ice rally/protest this coming Thursday in the town of Grundy. The Scheduled protest will take place at a location "to be determined" and will begin at 10:00 am and continue until 6:00 pm or "until Ice is gone from our county!"

The Buchanan County Press learned about the protest from a flier that was seen posted on a local telephone pole. Since that time we have seen several other fliers and online social media posts referencing the event.

An anonymous spokesperson reached out to the Buchanan Free Press via social media on Tuesday and shared details of the event. According to the spokesperson the event will be well attended and an expected twenty five to thirty charter buses will be transporting like minded individuals from across the region to the event. "We've had enough, this has been going on too long and it's time we put an end to it," said the spokesperson.

The Buchanan County Free Press pressed the spokesman to give more details about the event but they were somewhat tight lipped. "We don't want to reveal too much as we know that there will be counter protestors and we don't want to give too much away, but let me put it like this, we've had all of this we are going to take and beginning Thursday we are making a stand to remove Ice from our area. Either the Board of Supervisors or VDOT one is gonna have to fork over the money for more salt and gravel or flame throwers or something because this ice needs to be removed."

The spokesmen went on to encourage anyone who is tired of this ice to "bring a shovel, bring a bag of salt, bring a propane heater, a blow torch, whatever you have we are determined to get Ice out of this county ."

As this story develops the Buchanan County Free Press will update.

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