The Buchanan County Free Press (2025)

29/04/2025

Local Restaurant Seeking Restitution For Failed Challenge
Vansant, Va.
-Burl Crowe

A local restaurant, Nacho Loco, is seeking restitution from a local family over an unpaid tab accumulated by one of their relatives. According to the proprietor of Nacho Loco, Arellio Lopez, the family is obligated to pay $172 in unpaid tabs at the local watering hole.

The Buchanan Free Press has discovered that the unpaid tab belonged to local resident Timothy Burr. Burr, who frequented the establishment in Vansant had accumulated the tab while attempting to beat the establishments Sardine Nacho Challenge. The challenge, which began five years ago requires a customer to eat ten pounds of sardine nachos in thirty minutes. The restaurant promises to erase the customers bill and give any successful patron a T-shirt with Sardine Nacho Champion written on the front of it. To date, no one has won the challenge.

According to authorities, the cost of the challenge is $20 and it appears that Mr. Burr, aka, Tim, attempted the challenge six (6) times in the same day before finally succumbing to a fatal heart attack. The additional $52 dollars in the lawsuit is listed as cleanup fees. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to Mr. Lopez, the establishment owner who said "the man ate near 55 pounds of sardines , that stuff isn't cheap, someone is gonna have to pay for it."

As this story develops the Buchanan Free Press will keep you updated.

01/04/2025

SUPERVISORS TO VOTE ON 10% LOLLYGAGGING TAX
Grundy, Va.
-Burl Crowe

The next scheduled meeting of the Buchanan County Board of Supervisors will see a proposed 10% tax levied on lollygagging. According to a recent press release the proposal will impose a 10% tax on all lollygagging county wide, effective immediately.

The proposed tax increase would be used to help finance vehicles for emergency responders throughout the county. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to a spokesperson for the Board of Supervisors who said, "we are undergoing a fiscal crunch right now and the best and easiest way to raise the necessary funds is to increase taxes, after considerable debate, we have decided to propose a tax on lollygagging."

When pressed harder on the issue the spokesman said that "lollygagging was the most obvious thing to tax as it is practiced by a large portion of county residents." The Buchanan County Free Press recently conducted a countywide survey in which 93% of all adults admitted to lollygagging on a daily basis. As with any increases in taxes, this new proposal has not been widely accepted by all citizens. "This is gonna hurt the poor man, I don't work onn'a count of my back, what are folks like me supposed to do? I never thought I'd see the day that I'd have to get a job cause I couldn't afford to lollygag, I'll be calling my Supervisor tonight and I encourage everyone else to as well," said Poke Dolittle a resident of Vansant.

15/03/2025

Local Man Wins Piddling Championship
Dismal, VA.
-Burl Crowe

A local man has been crowned the World Piddling Champion by P.I.D.L. (The world's first ever Piddeling League.)). Ronald Lee, 79, a lifelong resident of the Dismal River section of Buchanan County was recently crowned as the third ever World Piddling Champion after an amazing day of piddling at his home along the Dismal River.

Lee was awarded the title after an amazing day of piddling that saw him piddle from daylight till dark last Saturday. "I woke up and had a good breakfast and just went about my day piddling, one thing turned into another and the next thing I know they were knocking on my door," said Lee. The Buchanan County Free Press spoke with the Commissioner of P.I.D.L. ,Dank Starker, " to be honest we have never seen anything quite like it and around 5:00 pm Saturday, we knew we were witnessing something special.," According to league statisticians Lee started the day feeding the dogs, then dug a three foot drain ditch, drove six nails into a fence post that needed mending, replaced an outdoor lightbulb, pruned three hedge bushes, took a two hour nap, swept the front porch, fixed a broken cabinet door, put new batteries in the kitchen fire alarm, whittled out six tomatoes stakes for the garden and refilled the humming bird feeder, all before 5pm. The historic evening saw Lee forego dinner as he filled the grease fittings on his riding lawn mower, cleaned his fingernails with his pocket knife and finally filled the dog bowl with fresh water before calling it a day.

"Sometimes you just get on a roll, most days I'm done Piddling sometime after lunch, but today I just found a rhythm and got stuff done," said Lee. The World Piddling Champion now has some added pressure to get more done as he will try to defend his title starting tomorrow morning. "Not sure how long I can keep this up, but in some ways defending this title makes this piddling seem more like work, and to be honest, at my age, I don't care much for work, I'm retired ya know" said Lee

The Buchanan County Free Press would like to congratulate Ronald Lee on his accomplishments and according to our research he may very well be the first ever World Champion of any kind to hail from Buchanan County that wasn't a c**n dog.

13/03/2025

PROGRAM ALLOWS INMATE TO MEET HIS NEWBORN DAUGHTER
Oakwood, Va.
by Burl Crowe

A local inmate, who has been serving time since 2021 finally was allowed to meet his five month old daughter. According to authorities, Allen White, a local inmate who was incarcerated in 2021 and sentenced to 25 years in prison, for armed robbery, recently had the opportunity to meet his five month old daughter as part of a new inmate program designed to help families remain strong despite incarceration.

According to authorities, this past Tuesday, Allen White met his 5 month old daughter, Tabitha at the KMCC visitation room, for the first time since being incarcerated in 2021. The visitation was supervised by armed security and followed typical prison protocol. According to authorities this is the first meeting of its kind and "it went off without a hitch."

White, who is serving 25 years for armed robbery, was asked to comment on the emotional first time meeting. "I haven't seen any member of my family in almost four years, it was heartwarming to see my daughter for the first time and I have to admit, I got a little emotional," said White. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to Susan White, the wife of the inmate and she had the following to say, "it is difficult being separated from your husband for this long, but when we said our vows, we meant it, I am so thankful that our daughter will now get to know her father through this wonderful program, hopefully he will get paroled in a couple of years and we can put all of this behind us."

27/02/2025

Local Man Starves To Death, Work Boots Reveal Cause Of Death
Burl Crowe
-Whitewood, Va.

A local man was found by neighbors yesterday in the Whitewood section of Buchanan County dead in his home, according to local authorities the cause of death was starvation.

A spokesman for the Sheriff's Department told the Buchanan County Free Press that Dobbie Gillis, 32, of Whitewood was found dead at his home from apparent starvation. According to the spokesman, Dobbie's body was severely emaciated and malnourished. "When we arrived we found him on his sofa and he apparently had passed away sometime in the night," said a Sheriff's Deputy.

The body was originally found by Oakum Yoakum, aka "Oak," early yesterday morning, Oakum is a friend and neighbor of Gillis. "I went over to see if he wanted to run down to Food City with me and he never answered the door, I went on in and found him there," According to Yoakum, "none of this made any sense, I've been trying to get him to go get groceries for a few weeks and he kept telling me that he couldn't find his EBT card, he was on food stamps ya know, the boy didn't have any reason to starve to death."

The Buchanan Free Press reached out to family members and discovered more information about Gillis. "He was a healthy young man, never cared much for working, I guess that's why he never really had anything, but he was content in life. Just last year we tried to motivate him and bought him some new work clothes, I even bought him some new work boots, we helped him get a car and encouraged him to get a job," said Hassell Cole, Dobbie's uncle.

After some investigation by the Buchanan County Sheriff's Office the cause of death was initially listed as suspicious, however after further investigation of the home that listing was modified. "After a thorough investigation of the home one of our deputies discovered a pair of work boots that was home to a family of mice, when we went to remove the mice from the boots we discovered the EBT Card of the deceased lying beneath the work boots, so we are now listing the cause of death as a lack of desire to work."

When the news of the findings were shared with neighbors and family, Hassell Cole, the uncle of the deceased, told the Buchanan Free Press, "knowing that, it makes all the sense in the world, no wonder the poor boy starved to death his food stamps were under his work boots."

27/02/2025

CELL TOWERS ISSUE GETS COMPLICATED, AGAIN
By Burl Crowe
Grundy, Va.

A recent board decision appeared to give the good people of Buchanan County a much deserved upgrade to cell service. In a recent vote the Board of Supervisors agreed to a program that would allow cell phone towers to be erected throughout the county. This program will assure coverage to approximately 88% of the county. The service providers options could include national providers Verizon, AT&T and or T-Mobile.

The new program however has been met with opposition. A local citizen, who has asked to remain anonymous is recommending that the towers be erected inside mine shafts due to the "aesthetically unappealing nature of cell phone towers." If this individual gets their way the coverage area would be reduced to 2%. This news came as a shock to citizens and the board alike as it is being seen as unexpected and unwarranted.

As many of you may recall in a previous story published by the Buchanan County Free Press, a cell tower was buried in the old VP3 mine shaft several years ago and although being in full operation it has provided a net zero transmission since installation. This particular cell tower was installed at the same time as the infamous tower at Oakwood.

The Oakwood tower, which is now activated, has drawn considerable ire from area citizens due to it being installed at the base of the mountain as opposed to the more logical top of the mountain. "Doesn't make a lick of sense to me, why that kind of money would be spent on a cell phone tower only to have it put at the bottom of the mountain, it takes a special kind of stupid to do something like that," said Oakwood resident, Homer Simpson. With controversy already surrounding the Oakwood tower, the location of the VP3 tower has seemingly been lost in conversation with very few county citizens even aware of it's existence. "I completely forgot about the VP3 tower that they put in the mine shaft a few years back," said Howie Dewitt a long time Buchanan County resident. "I don't even use a cell phone but this one here beats all I've ever seen, I can't wait to hear how they spin this one," said a gentlemen at Dairy Queen on Tuesday morning.

Several years ago when the Buchanan Free Press made an inquiry about the decision to place the new tower inside the old mine shaft at Vansant we referred to a prominent citizen who preferred to remain nameless. According to him, "cell phone towers are very unsightly, and when erected they destroy the aesthetic and historic value of a piece of property, by putting this tower inside the mine shaft at Vansant, nobody will have to look at the tower and we can be spared the pain of having to look at such a monstrosity." When asked by the Buchanan Free Press how effective would the tower be if buried inside the mine shaft, the gentleman responded, "I really do not care, as long as I do not have to look at it."

It appears that the same can and will be said regarding the new towers if they are erected. An injunction, upheld by a circuit court judge on behalf of an anonymous citizen, presumably the same one mentioned above, will do one of two things. It will either prohibit the installation of new cell phone towers all together or it will permit the installation of these new towers on the condition that they are either installed at the base of a mountain or placed deep inside of existing mine shafts. The Board of Supervisors are pursuing all legal options to ensure a smooth transition and installation of the new cell towers.

16/01/2025

LOCAL MAN ARRESTED FOR BRAKE FLUID ADDICTION, SAYS HE CAN STOP ANYTIME HE WANTS
Vansant, VA.
- Burl Crowe

On Monday authorities were dispatched to Auto Zone following a report of shoplifting. When they arrived on the scene employees directed their attention to a middle aged man standing behind a building at the mouth of Watkins Branch. According to police reports the gentleman, 43 year old, Wayne Kerr was arrested without incident and taken into custody for stealing four bottles of Brake Fluid.

The Buchanan County Free Press later discovered that deputies initially found Kerr drinking the bottles of Brake fluid. " When we pulled up he had brake fluid running down his chin and was literally drinking it like one would a soda or a beer," said one deputy. Upon further discovery , a few hours later, Mr. Kerr had a relative post bail and he was released and is expected to go to trial at a later date.

The Buchanan County Free Press spoke to Mrs. Sue Flay as she and Mr. Kerr were leaving the Sheriff's Office. Mrs. Flay is the niece of Mr. Kerr. The Buchanan Free Press asked Mrs. Flay and Mr. Kerr to comment regarding the arrest and strange circumstances surrounding the incident. "My uncle has a very unusual addiction and we are working hard as a family to get him help," said Flay. Mr. Kerr on the other hand had something entirely different to say. "I am not addicted to Brake Fluid, sure it tastes good and makes me feel good, but I'm not addicted, I assure you I can stop anytime I want."

16/12/2024

MAN CASHES IN WORLDS LARGEST COLLECTION OF ALUMINUM CANS AT LOCAL RECYCLING CENTER
- Oakwood, Va.
- Burl Crowe

For Homie Reynolds it represented a life's work, for the the Red Rocks scrap yard it was entirely something out of the ordinary. On Friday, December 13th a local Oakwood resident, Homie Reynolds decided to cash in his aluminum can collection and chose to do so at the Red Rocks Scrap Yard on Dismal.

"When he pulled up to the gate in a moped and asked if we bought aluminum cans, I almost laughed, all he had was a trash bag strapped to the back," said Harley Smiles a local employee at Red Rocks Scrap Yard. However, unbeknown to Harley there was a lot more where that came from. A few minutes later a convoy of trucks loaded down with trash bags began to file into the scrap yard.

According to local sources, Homie Reynolds has been collecting aluminum cans since he was six (6) years old and not once has he ever decided to cash them in. "I remember when he was a little feller, he would bum us for every single can he could get his hands on, heck sometimes we would drink a case of Miller Lite, just to see that little feller's face light up when we gave him the cans," said Worney Payne a long time Oakwood resident.

The journey of aluminum can collecting ended last Friday as the long line of trucks started piling into the scrap yard. According to employees at the yard, the final count was 23,463 large trash bags, one car hauler and a lone shoe box filled with crushed aluminum cans. The Buchanan County Free Press reached out to the Guinness Book of World Records and made an inquiry regarding a potential world record. As of today, we have yet to hear from the archivist at Guinness, but our sources are indicating that it is indeed a World Record.

The sheer excitement of the cash in and the laborious effort poured into this project by Homie Reynolds led the Buchanan Free Press to seek him out at his home in Oakwood. When asked about the 58 year journey of collecting aluminum cans all Homie could say was "it was a labor of love." "I've spent most of my life pursuing these cans and I don't regret a single moment spent looking for them," said Homie. "Everyone has something that motivates them and this is what motivated me for the best part of 60 years, I have always longed for the day that I would cash 'em in."

Now, that the can collecting is over for Homie, the Buchanan County Free Press asked him about his future plans. "I'm not quite sure but tomorrow I plan on going to the bank and cashing my collection check and then make a trip to Dollar Tree, it's not everyday you come into $1.83."

25/10/2024

Mason Jar Time Capsule Creates Controversy
Vansant Va.
- Burl Crowe

A local man, Cash "Yard Ape" Oats, a resident of the Vansant area recently unearthed a burlap wrapped mason jar and the contents thereof has spurred the interest of local, state and federal authorities. According to Oats, he encountered the time capsule while digging post holes for his his new deck. "The jar was heavily wrapped in burlap" included a note from his grandfather and an extremely strange photo.

It appears that the landowners grandfather, Blackey Oats, left the time capsule hoping that someone would one day discover it. According to authorities, who examined the time capsule and the contents, the photo was authentic and has been dated around the turn of the twentieth century, 1900's. " The photo is not a fake, of that we are certain, however, it is hard to believe the corresponding note that was left with the photo," said a sheriff's deputy.

The hand written note was in pristine condition as was the photo. The note, signed by Blackey Oats read: " To whomever finds this time capsule, I, Blackey Oats would like to make known that my family and I found and raised a Sasquatch child that was left on our back porch one dark night in August. The young ape-like creature grew up and became domesticated, our family tried hard for several years to keep him secret but eventually our secret was exposed. It wasn't long after he was discovered that a group of locals came and tried to have him killed. He was called a monster, a devil and some suspected that he was a fallen angel. Nonetheless our family fought hard to protect him. Eventually, we had to stage his death in order to keep the locals from persecuting him further. Years later we shaved him and made him wear clothes and convinced people that he was our long lost cousin Chester from Ohio. He worked in a local coal mine the remainder of his life and eventually fell in love and married Sally Stewart a local itinerant teacher. He remained a recluse most of his life but was loved and respected by all who knew him. The couple had several children, many of which still reside here in Buchanan County."

The letter and the corresponding photo have led the Buchanan County Board of Supervisors to conduct a mandatory physical exam of every citizen, starting with residents in the Vansant area. According to the advanced medical team the on site physicals will be conducted at roadside stations that will be established starting next week. "Right now cooperation is voluntary," said one board member, "but if participation is too low we will have to start knocking on doors."

A spokesman for the board of supervisors says that the physical is a precautionary measure, " we would like to know who might be related to the Sasquatch in the event that there are domestic issues, kidnappings, etc. in the area, it would allow us to have a short list of suspects."

The Buchanan County Free Press spoke to Dr. Marcus Welby the lead physician with the project and asked him what the team would be looking for. ""Although we can't be certain of what to expect, we expect any immediate relatives to have slightly bucked teeth, massive amounts of back hair, large feet and a persistently pungent body odor." "Anyone that checks the boxes on these characteristics will be held in quarantine for 48 hours and a DNA test will be conducted.

Anyone interested in volunteering for an onsite physical at one of the many locations throughout the County will be free to do so beginning this Monday. To find out when your area will be subject to physicals check with your respective Buchanan County Board of Supervisors member or Allen Boyd with the Buchanan County Sheriff's Office.

14/06/2024

And Yet Another Dismal River Mystery
-Burl Crowe

Dismal, VA

In the past few years the Dismal River area of Buchanan County has been the site of several unexplained mysteries. First it was the Dismal River Woodbooger, the river creature and then the infamous live sighting by Burl Crowe himself, and Percy, of that same Woodbooger several years ago. (see these stories on the Buchanan Free Press) Yesterday, marked the fourth mysterious event/sighting to take place along the infamous trout stream.

According to a police report filed by Dilbert Pickles, a mysterious, unidentified object that appeared to be some type of flying saucer was recently discovered along the banks of the river just about a half mile below the Hale Creek intersection.

According to the report Pickles and his female companion Barb Dwyer were enjoying an evening of trout fishing when Barb noticed the shiny object around a bend in the river. "Barb, called for me to come over, I figured she had caught a big one but when I got there, there it was, sitting on the bank, a genuine UFO, just like the ones on t.v.," said Pickles.

The couple immediately called the authorities and a report was filed with the sheriff's department. The Buchanan County Free Press was on the scene before the object could be removed by the Sheriff's Department and we were able to capture this single photo of the wreckage.

The on site deputies attempted to confiscate our camera but we were able to evacuate the scene before they could access our camera. We reached out to the Sheriff's Department a short while later and we were informed that the report was a misunderstanding and that upon inspection only a few sheets of aluminum foil and some tethering for a weather balloon were discovered. We asked for a quote and a spokesman for the Department said, "Mr. Pickles and his lady friend were mistaken, there was no UFO and what they saw were the remnants of a downed weather balloon, there is no story here."

The Buchanan Free Press is doing an investigative report on this incident and hopefully we will eventually find out what the authorities are hiding regarding what obviously appears to be a crashed UFO.

* Update #1
as of 1:00 pm Friday evening a large section of route 638 along the Dismal River has been closed to traffic and all residents in the area have been temporarily moved to a local Hotel. One eyewitness that we spoke to said "hazmat suits, men in sunglasses and black suits, helicopters, etc. are everywhere, something is going on up there!"

**Update #2 (2:30 pm, Friday)
A mysterious gentleman, smoking a cigarette has approached the Buchanan County Free Press asking that we relinquish the single photo and camera to him, he claims to be with the "authorities," but has yet to produce any identification..

*** Update #3 ((3:39 pm Friday)
A young man and woman, who work with the FBI have shown up at the residence of Burl Crowe inquiring about the incident.

Stay Tuned as this story develops.

11/06/2024

HEADLINER ANNOUNCED FOR THE BUCHANAN COUNTY FAIR
- Burl Crowe

Vansant, VA.

The headline act for the 2024 Buchanan County Fair was announced during a recent press conference. According to committee chairman Howie Dewitt the Fair committee recently secured the booking rights to rising national artist, Fleetwood Mac and Cheese.

The five man band has been described by Rolling Stone magazine as "Confederate Railroad meets Luke Bryan meets Spinal Tap." The hard rocking group, from Bucksnort TN. are no strangers to rural Appalachia. "We love us some cornbread and beans and can't wait to rock with the fine folks of Buchanan County," said lead singer Rufus St. Rock Stone.

The five man band formerly known as Bachman Turner Overweight are responsible for some of contemporary rocks hottest groove tracks. Most famous being the modern rock anthem "Cleft Palette Claire," a song about a disfigured high school classmate and other unforgettable riff shaking tunes like "Welfare Check" and "Spit Bottle Blues ," the hard rocking group is guaranteed to put on a crowd pleasing performance.

The Fair committee informed the Buchanan County Free Press that they are currently negotiating with an opening act that will be named soon.

22/05/2024

Typo Leads To New Mascot Controversy
-Burl Crowe

Grundy, VA

The excitement over the new consolidated high school in Buchanan County quickly dissipated after a recent Mascot Committee meeting discovered a major error.

On Tuesday, the Buchanan County Free Press was informed by an anonymous committee member that the new mascot would invariably be received with mixed emotions. "But, we are gonna make the most of a bad situation and run with it,' said the chagrined committee member.

Apparently, the Mascot Committee met on Monday night and were to choose from a selection of potential new mascots for the soon to be consolidated Buchanan County High School.

The voting included some of the following options, Coyotes, Mustangs, Miners, Eagles, Cougars and Coondogs to name a few. When the committee votes were tabulated the winning mascot was Miners. Until it wasn't!

The Buchanan Free Press was informed that after all votes were tabulated and the committee made a motion and a second to accept the selection it was discovered that the word Miners was misspelled and actually read Minners. It would seem that something as simple as a typo could be overlooked however, according to a county attorney, the decision is fixed and cannot be amended per the VA. Code bR:549. The new school mascot will be a Minner (Minnow)

The Buchanan County Free Press spoke with a committee member who asked to remain anonymous who said, "we had one job to do and we blew it, but we won't let this set us back, we will move forward and embrace the new mascot."

In the coming weeks a new school name will be selected and hopefully any typos can be avoided to secure a proper name for the new school. As always the Buchanan County Free Press will be on the scene to provide updates and breaking news.

The Buchanan County Free Press

29/04/2025

01/04/2025

15/03/2025

13/03/2025

27/02/2025

27/02/2025

16/01/2025

16/12/2024

25/10/2024

14/06/2024

11/06/2024

22/05/2024

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