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General Managers Announce Plan To Step Back And Let Coaches Take The Blame This Offseason
20/10/2025

General Managers Announce Plan To Step Back And Let Coaches Take The Blame This Offseason

General Managers of soccer teams across the nation announced their plan, today, to step back and let coaches take the blame as the Major League Soccer offseason began with a flurry.

FIFA Announces New AI World Cup Ticket Program That Will Cancel Tickets If Purchasers Are Critical Of Charlie Kirk Or Pr...
16/10/2025

FIFA Announces New AI World Cup Ticket Program That Will Cancel Tickets If Purchasers Are Critical Of Charlie Kirk Or President Trump Online

INTERNET - FIFA, the international money laundering organization, announced today that they will be using a new AI World Cup Ticket Program that will cancel tickets to the 2026 World cup if purchasers are found making negative comments about Charlie Kirk or Presidnt Trump online.

NWSL Commissioner Announces That Her Investigation Into The NWSL Commissioner Shows No Wrongdoing By NWSL Commissioner
21/08/2025

NWSL Commissioner Announces That Her Investigation Into The NWSL Commissioner Shows No Wrongdoing By NWSL Commissioner

Jessica Berman, the current National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) Commissioner, announced today that her investigation into herself showed no wrongdoing by herself as she claimed that she was vindicated for all of her recent actions.

OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes
06/08/2025

OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes

This opinion piece was sent to The Nutmeg News by Matt G of Bluesky: Dear The Nutmeg News: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee and Watch the Joy Drain from their Eyes. Sincerely Matt G.

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple T...
24/07/2025

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple TV

Austin, TX - At a packed press conference in the wake of Major League Soccer’s board of governors meeting earlier, Commissioner Don Garber revealed that approximately 28 people are watching CF Montreal games on Apple TV.

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion
14/07/2025

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion

FIFA (the international criminal and money laundering organization) announced, today, that it awarded United States President Donald Trump the official 2025 Club World Cup Champion.

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia
09/07/2025

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia

WASHINGTON - Speaking with journalists at a $500 a ticket press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Cascadia bio-region would be hit with a 30% tariff.

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two ...
08/07/2025

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figur...
07/07/2025

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"
01/07/2025

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"

ST. LOUIS - Witnesses say that a drone piloted by former soccer pundit and current, “THE KIDS ARE TOO DIVERSE,” grumpy idiot Alexi Lalas crashed the recent USMNT Gold Cup practice as the former mediocre defenseman attempted to spy on, “DEI hires who aren’t playing hard for the flag.”

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game
26/06/2025

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game

CHICAGO - The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) farm team in Chicago successfully hogtied and assaulted fans at a recent Chicago Fire Major League Soccer (MLS) game as the security officials were excited for the possibility of a promotion up to the big leagues.

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want
19/06/2025

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want

WASHINGTON - During a visit to the White House with President Donald Trump, players from Juventus were reportedly given the option to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator they wanted.

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