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OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes
06/08/2025

OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes

This opinion piece was sent to The Nutmeg News by Matt G of Bluesky: Dear The Nutmeg News: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee and Watch the Joy Drain from their Eyes. Sincerely Matt G.

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple T...
24/07/2025

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple TV

Austin, TX - At a packed press conference in the wake of Major League Soccer’s board of governors meeting earlier, Commissioner Don Garber revealed that approximately 28 people are watching CF Montreal games on Apple TV.

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion
14/07/2025

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion

FIFA (the international criminal and money laundering organization) announced, today, that it awarded United States President Donald Trump the official 2025 Club World Cup Champion.

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia
09/07/2025

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia

WASHINGTON - Speaking with journalists at a $500 a ticket press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Cascadia bio-region would be hit with a 30% tariff.

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two ...
08/07/2025

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figur...
07/07/2025

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"
01/07/2025

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"

ST. LOUIS - Witnesses say that a drone piloted by former soccer pundit and current, “THE KIDS ARE TOO DIVERSE,” grumpy idiot Alexi Lalas crashed the recent USMNT Gold Cup practice as the former mediocre defenseman attempted to spy on, “DEI hires who aren’t playing hard for the flag.”

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game
26/06/2025

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game

CHICAGO - The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) farm team in Chicago successfully hogtied and assaulted fans at a recent Chicago Fire Major League Soccer (MLS) game as the security officials were excited for the possibility of a promotion up to the big leagues.

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want
19/06/2025

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want

WASHINGTON - During a visit to the White House with President Donald Trump, players from Juventus were reportedly given the option to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator they wanted.

German World Cup Team Prepares For United States Games By Training For Tear Gas Exposure
12/06/2025

German World Cup Team Prepares For United States Games By Training For Tear Gas Exposure

GERMANY - The German Men’s World Cup Team is reportedly preparing for games in the United States by training for tear gas exposure and police violence as their coaches put together a plan to ensure that they won’t be surprised.

God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 Worl...
12/06/2025

God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans

LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to the multitude of prayers regarding the 2026 World Cup by USMNT (United States Men’s National Te...

American Outlaws Announce Partnership With ICE To Ensure 2026 World Cup Supporters Section Is For Americans Only
05/06/2025

American Outlaws Announce Partnership With ICE To Ensure 2026 World Cup Supporters Section Is For Americans Only

NEBRASKA - The United States Men’s Soccer Team (USMNT) supporters group American Outlaws announced a partnership with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to ensure that their 2026 World Cup supporters section would be for Americans only.

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