The Alliston Gerald

06/28/2025

For the first time since late last summer, Matthew Hastings, who inherited a cottage in Muskoka several years ago, has an active and vibrant social life. “It was opening weekend and I had a lot to do to get ready,” Hastings said. “And suddenly I looked at my phone and it was just blowing up wi...

06/28/2025

A local high school student is hoping for some reprieve this July and August after a school year that saw him put all his energy and free time into completing as little school work as possible. “My gaming skills have started to slip,” Ty Demmings, a seventeen-year-old student DM’d the Alliston...

04/24/2025

Quite a few people have attempted this, but no one as far as I know has finished it, so it's probably right to give the (previously hidden) theme. Every clue is guiding you to say a place near New Tecumseth. Let's see if you anyone is able to crack this!

04/12/2025

Everett Man Believes He May Have Eaten Easter Bunny

"...as the rabbit died, there was this p**f of rainbow confetti that turned grey and then black as it disintegrated into the air. So there’s one that doesn’t happen with ordinary rabbits when you shoot them. I mean, in hindsight, anything magical really should have been my first clue,” the man, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Alliston Gerald. “And the fact that it was wearing this quaint little cardigan also seems important. And finally, upon reflection, I realize that as the rabbit was dying told me in plain English that he forgave me for shooting him…If only I could forgive myself.”

EVERETT, ONTARIO—A local man claims he has reasonable cause to believe he may have accidentally hunted, cooked, and consumed the animal popularly known as the Easter Bunny some five days ago. The rabbit, he asserts, was not in a house at the time of the shooting but was hopping through a wooded ar...

02/17/2025

There's been a lot of talk about trains in town lately... A Re-run from last year.

TOTTENHAM, ONTARIO—A growing number of new residents in an Ontario town claim to have been unaware of the occasionally noisy trains moving in the region when they decided to relocate. While the crossing signals stand in plain sight, many allege they were unaware the train tracks would ever have li...

02/06/2025

Local Trail Now Made Up Entirely Of Dog P**p

"Can you imagine people picking up p**p merely for the betterment of the trail they're currently enjoying? Insane, right? Now, can you imagine people not picking up p**p for the betterment of the trail? Well, yes, you can.”

Long says the experimental project is all about positive affirmation. One indeed catches more flies with honey than vinegar, but how about a hiking trail lined with defecating dogs?

Skeptics are saying it's a slippery slope."

BEATTIE PINERY, ALLISTON—Ontario Parks has recently taken steps to replace the mulch on a local walking path with 4,500 tonnes of imported canine excrement. A land survey indicated the makeup of the trail had reached a tipping point where dog f***s outweighed the wood-chip mixture previously used....

01/25/2025

School Board Praises Vandals For Unwavering Commitment To Free-Range Eggs While Vandalizing School

“I’ve concerned drawing up a rubric for an assignment where students could be graded on their ability to plan vandalism of this calibre,” Steven Lytvynenko, an Alliston grade-eight teacher, reported. “Plus, if I made students do it for homework, the graffiti would probably stop.”

The Simcoe County District School Board is finding the positive in the behaviour of a group of youngsters who egged one of Alliston’s public elementary schools over several months. The board concluded that, after careful investigation of the trash and yolk found in the area, the eggs were from fre...

01/20/2025

“Forty’s The New Twenty,” Says Delusional Aging Person

BEETON, Ontario—-Sources indicate that a man on the verge of turning forty told a group of friends that he was similar, if not the same as, a twenty-year-old. While the man claimed to have received unanimous congratulations after making his statement, witnesses described experiencing feelings of d...

01/11/2025

Thought we'd try something completely different with a crossword...

Test your knowledge of Beeton. The puzzle indicates if you guessed correctly. How many correct answers are you able to find?

Test your knowledge of Beeton. The puzzle indicates if you guessed correctly. How many correct answers are you able to find?

01/07/2025

ADVERTORIAL: Tenants Wanted To Fill Apartment In Public Washroom

ALLISTON,ONTARIO—Looking to live a clutter-free life of experience, adventure and unlimited toilet paper? Look no further. Sweat disorder leaves you in constant need of a hand dryer? We've got you covered. Nostalgic for the communal frat atmosphere of college? This could be seen as a version of th...

12/30/2024

Alliston Couple Living Off Holiday Trash Comforted By New Year's Fitness Plans They’ll Never Get Around To

"We have one day planned already on the calendar. We're calling it 'crunch time,’” Melissa Shoreman wrote online. “The plan is that one of us is doing crunches every second of the day. Paul's cooking breakfast. I'm doing crunches. I get up to eat. Paul drops to the floor and does crunches. The whole day goes on this way. Are you telling me we can't now split a bottle of Bailey's over some Count Chocula?"

An Alliston couple is preparing to radically change their diet and fitness level in the New Year by posting about it on social media and consuming everything in their home that is not an antioxidant-rich, bioavailable probiotic.The couple claims to be living by the adage "Work hard, play hard" only....

12/22/2024

Council Puts Construction Of Gingerbread House On Hold As Developer Reneges On Candy-Cane Pledge

theallistongerald15 minutes ago0 min readCouncil Puts Construction Of Gingerbread House On Hold As Developer Reneges On Candy-Cane Pledge