07/10/2023
A Halloween to Remember
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A cool autumn breeze blew as we exited my dad’s 67 Mustang in my happy little feet carried me into the local Kmart. We were here to pick up my Halloween costume and I was 10 years old. I loved Halloween not really for the spookiness in the scary stuff, but I love dressing up in costume and I, like every kid my age, loved candy!
I always wanted to be unique, at least in costume, because there was nothing very unique about me in real life. I was average and that’s OK, but this time of the year, I really wanted to shine. I held my dad’s hand as we made our way past kitchen wares, past women’s apparel to the children section where every costume of my dreams lived. My dad was not particularly patient, so I knew that I needed to pick my costume out quick! I could’ve been there for hours, but my dad probably had a football game to get back to and my dad was the greatest. The reason why is because he never questioned my costumes.. he always was behind me 100% no matter if I wanted to be a hobo or a ballerina. This year I might’ve pushed him a little bit to the brink, I think? This year I wanted to be remembered! This was the year that I would have to best costume ever, but the look on my dad‘s face when I pulled out the gorilla costume was one of amusement and a bit of sympathy that was hard to not catch, even as a 10-year-old. I squinted my eyes at him and said nobody will expect this! And my Dad replied; “You are absolutely right!”
At the time, I thought he was being supportive. So,
I skipped out of Kmart with my plastic mask and my polyester, gorilla costume tucked safely under my arm, and I went home and waited for my big day.
Time seem as slow as molasses when you’re 10, waiting for Halloween. The only holiday that compares to that long wait is Christmas. As the day approached. I tried my costume on multiple times for fit I practiced in front of the mirror making gorilla like sounds & trying to walk like a monkey and drag my knuckle somewhat. It was difficult as I was a gangly kid, but I pretty much had it mastered.
October 31 arrived and it was a Wednesday, but back then in the late 60s early 70s, kids trick-or-treating school night or not. My best friend, Diane Gallagher and our good friend Melinda Peña showed up at my house and we’re waiting on the front porch while I put on my costume and gave a good growl in the mirror for confidence… this is going to be a Halloween. No one will forget, I told myself. And I left my bedroom with utter confidence, knowing my friends would be so surprised when they saw me as I left my bedroom and walked to the living room to hug my dad and mom goodbye. But my Dad asked me to wait a minute he had something to tell me. He asked me where my brother was? My Brother Charles was seven years older than me and almost ready to graduate high school. I called for Charles and he walked around the corner aggravated that we had taken him away from his model planes that he was working on. My dad said; Kids, sit down for a sec. I have some thing I need to tell you”…my mom was nowhere around and I was a little confused, but I sat down with my brother and waited for my dad to say whatever he had to say.
“ Kids, I hate to tell you this, but your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
It felt like an hour past before my brother and I spoke. We both asked why? I started crying. .. ugly crying, and couldn’t understand how this could be happening? My parents were two of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. They were professional ballroom dancers. They look like they were in love anytime they were in a room together, so how in the world, could this be happening? They didn’t fight.. Why??
Daddy didn’t really give much of an explanation. He just told me that sometimes people grow apart. I balled my eyes out I could barely catch my breath between wiping my nose and the sweat and the tears I knew my face was red as a beet. Now I have to go face my friends? My brother stormed off and slammed his door. My dad just sat there and looked pitiful. At that moment. I didn’t feel sorry for him. I did later on in life but not at that moment I asked him; “How can you do this to us?” Daddy just sat there, looking so sad and he said; “That’s just the way things are sometimes.. and you’ll understand when you get older”..
I didn’t want to understand. I wanted my dad to go to my mother and tell him what a mistake he had made, and he didn’t mean it, and beg for forgiveness, and we would all be one happy family again. But I saw the resolve in daddy’s eyes. I knew there was no going back.
So Daddy said ; “ It’s Halloween! Go have a good time!” As if he had not just given me life altering news.
And just like that my life changed. My brothers life changed. My Mothers life changed.
I blew my nose, and wipe my eyes. I squared my shoulders and pulled down my gorilla mask, but I didn’t know what to do with myself the thrill of Halloween was gone. I look to my friends for comfort. I went out on the front porch, and it took my friends a minute , then they kind of chuckled, and I could tell under any other circumstance that my aim is true. The effect was there, but the enthusiasm had vanished.
We walked down the pathway to the city Street, and down Greenway Road to start trick-or-treating. Suddenly I broke into tears. I could not keep my composure. When my friends asked me what was wrong, I took off my mask, and I blew my nose and wipe my eyes again and said; “ MY PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE!”
There was about 15 seconds of silence. I waited for my friends to respond, and they didn’t. Not out of ugliness, but they were perplexed as to why I was crying? I said louder; “My parents are getting a divorce!!” Finally my friend Melinda spoke up and said; “Kelly get over it. Everyone’s parents get divorced.”
It was like a kick in the gut! I had no response. So I just trudged behind them. I didn’t want to go trick-or-treating, but I also didn’t want to go home. After about seven or eight houses the mood lightened and I was able to have a little bit of fun. Diane & Melinda were always fun, so I did my best to be fun too, but it was mostly an act to not ruin their night.
We scored a major hall that Halloween. I swear some of the little neighborhood ladies must’ve sensed my sadness because they gave me handfuls of candy in my bag, and when I got home and laid all my candy out for my dad to see, he just glanced at it, which really threw me because every year prior, he would carefully inspect each piece of candy, as if each wrapped tootsie roll or tootsie pop or orange and black, peanut butter, wrapped, whatever those nasty things were, every smarty, every blow pop was laden with razor blades or poison. This year he just glanced at my candy and told me it looked safe to eat… but I wasn’t so sure?
I questioned everything I’ve ever known at this moment!
Daddy asked for a mini Mr. Goodbar I shrugged and gave it to him, maybe it’ll make him feel better? I told him to take more if he wanted it he said no, so I bagged up my candy and went in my bedroom and sat in my bed eating candy after candy after candy and throwing each candy wrapper under my bed, as it was my habit. And I didn’t care. Life felt cruel.. and I was loaded with as much apathy as a 10 year old can muster.
Halloween was really never the same for me after that, my parents, divorced, my dad kicked my brother out of the house at 18, and my stepmother moved in shortly there after. I learned real quick to be flexible…if you’re not life can really get the best of you. And all the best gorilla moves in the world will not spare you from the moment when you’re no longer a child, but forced to grow up, and put fantasy aside. I think of that moment every Halloween. My brother was never the same. He felt betrayed. I was never the same, and I have always felt that a 10 year old girl does not need to be told her parents are divorcing on her way out of having the biggest night of her life. I’ve always held a small grudge, but that information could’ve waited till the next day.
I know parents aren’t perfect, and maybe it took all my Dad‘s courage to tell us that, at that moment, because he couldn’t, or wouldn’t be able to muster the courage to say it if he didn’t say it right that moment? Of course I forgave Daddy and Mama life went on. I gained a younger brother a lot of adjusting, went on, as my stepmother moved in and took over, but there’s not a day in my life that I don’t remember the feeling of the rug being pulled out from under me.
They say kids are flexible, …resilient. No, they’re not. Children are fragile. It’s adults who are flexible and resilient. Every Halloween, since I have made it a point to be as joyous and celebratory as possible. I will not let one Halloween as a child ruin the rest of my celebrations going forward. I try to make the entire Autumn season bright and happy. I go a little overboard decorating the house with Autumn leaf garlands, pumpkin spice candles, and comfy throws on each chair. Jack-O-Lanterns are always on the porch and a happy skeleton sits on a haybale welcoming kids on their own special night.
As a hand out trick or treats to the young kids, who stop by my door, appear past their costume, mask, or make up, and look deep in their eyes, searching for that one kid that has a bit of sadness that would otherwise be missed. Then, I give the kid a whole handful of candy.. a little look that says; "Whatever your sadness, I feel you and this too shall pass"..
And whisper a little prayer that whatever it is that made him sad, will resolve itself soon.
Halloween will forever be connected to feeling let down and abandoned, but I'll mask that memory with all the joy that Autumn brings. For me... for the little kids that come to my door. And I hope to be an old, old, woman, doing the same decades from now, but perhaps by then, the harshness of that memory, from the depths of my childhood will feel less tarnished, and more of just an observation, that parents are people too. They aren't perfect.. they are probably full of secret regrets, and they deserve forgiveness too.
Happy Halloween. May yours, be as delightful as I've made mine. And trust me, the older I get, they more forgiveness I grant my parents. May you do the same.
