31/08/2025
Not going to lie but im really starting to feel like quitting. This is getting hard.
I dont know why but the only thing ive ever wanted to do in life is be a content creator. It started when I was homeless in 2012. I started living in a shed with an extremely abusive man and had pretty much given up on life. The only escape i had from how horrible my life had gotten was watching YouTube and, honestly, seeing creators like Trisha Paytas and Loey Lane. I had attributed most of my misgivings in life to being over weight. Seeing these women be overweight and just be themselves on camera gave me hope. It gave me an escape. Something to laugh and smile at in my darkest days and this soon spread to seeing other creators doing the same and being inspired by them as well.
Ever since then, creating content is all ive ever wanted to do. But I dont want a niche. I've always just wanted to be myself on camera, be silly, and make people laugh and give them an escape from whatever is happening in their life.
I started making YouTube videos. They were always silly. They never went anywhere. They made me laugh though and further gave me a bit of joy in my completely joyless life.
In about 2018 after doing YouTube for several years and never making it anywhere I tried instagram. I did body positive modeling on instagram and made great progress. I started working a job and got myself out of being homeless. I built myself up in my job to a high position and gave myself stability but working took so much of my time. The goal was ALWAYS to have my following transfer to my YouTube where I could do what I want and just make my silly videos. It never happened.
Then COVID hit. I had to work even more as other people quit or got sick or couldn't, etc. Life happened. I struggled mentally. I lost 195lb with an ED. This made a lot of my body positive following fall off and unfollow. Brands dropped me. YouTube fell off. Short form reels became the thing. I gave up... but I never stopped wanting it. I knew id never find a career path that I was actually happy with other than THIS. But I thought id have to settle. Have to conform. Have to just give up because my dream is stupid.
Then with my 2nd pregnancy I became a SAHM. I suddenly had the TIME to create again. So I did. Back to sharing my body positive and pregnancy story. People loved it. Feedback was great. But then I gave birth and had 2 under 2... no more time to make videos. And social media is unforgiving. Once you stop posting even for a day... you basically start over. Let alone stop posting for months.
Since about April ive been trying again. My brain just cant let this go. The point im sharing is that ive tried and tried to let content creation go so many times. I NEVER can. It's the ONLY interest thats ever stayed so strong and so consistent in my entire life... and as an ADHD person ive gone through MANY. My brain is obsessed. I dont know why. I can not let it go. Even though the logical part of my brain says "youre 35... its over.. youre not making it. Your time passed. Just stop." i can NOT stop. I think its because really... I think im funny. I like my videos. They make me laugh watching them back. I have fun doing them. I have hyperactivity and they are a great outlet for that. Despite everything for some unknown reason... I believe in my self. Even though that doesnt make ANY sense because sometimes it seems like no one else does. And then its this fight in my brain. Why do I believe in myself when everyone tells me stop some days? Why cant i let it go? Why do i have to be obsessed with doing the one thing that seems so unlikely for me? It's honestly enraging. I could have been passionate about ANYTHING. Anything feasible. But no... the one thing that never works out is the only thing I have a passion for.
So the point is... im just trying to make silly content to make people smile. I never set out to have a niche. But I made some adhd videos and they have been the only thing people really like. So I stick with them. But really I just want to make ANYTHING and everything that is just silly and makes people laugh. But the way the algorithm works you cant do that anymore. The time for that online is done. Now you need a niche. A "micro niche" even as tiktok says. And the only one I can get any sort of recognization for just brings me loads of hate. Even death threats.
So I dont know. Im just venting I guess. I thought the hate didn't get to me. I guess sometimes it does. And I wish more then anything I could just tell these people they won and throw in the towel. But for some idiotic reason, I cant. For some idiotic reason, I believe in myself and will keep going. This isn't just a hobby for me. This is all I've ever wanted in life. This is my hope. And I can't stop. And I hate that much more than you know.
